How Republicans Weaponized Technicalities For Both Offense And Defense

While Muellering the latest Russia-probe developments somewhere in Page, AZ, the above headline suddenly Stzrok me. This is at the heart of the problem with our debates, Pokey. Not my groaners, but the fact it’s always Serious Criminality v Fictional Technicality. We have had serious scandals in recent history, so why focus on the Benghazi Chronicles? No one ever said, I bet Hillary is mishandling her emails so let’s investigate. Republicans simply scrutinized every aspect of Hillary’s life in search of their coveted ‘technicality’. This is at the heart of today’s attack on the Mueller probe as well. The Special Counsel will find some level of Trump collusion/conspiracy, aka the reason for the investigation in the first place, and wrongdoing will likely range somewhere between highly troubling to legally damning. But this is never the case rightward. From the right’s perspective none of that matters, because the investigation never should have occurred due to this aforementioned ‘technicality’, the relevance or legitimacy of which is always secondary. Any inconsistencies, no matter how trivial, convoluted, or incomprehensible will suffice, so long as Fox & Frauds can use them to muddy those waters and avoid the very real indictments lurking at the threshold.

[Bo Diddley was a Deep One joke removed by the editor.]

[Winslow: Stop tailoring your jokes to the handful of Old Blues/Lovecraft fans out there]

My friend is blaming the people who are trying to save our republic from a monster. Here’s one of my blogvesary’s recent comments on the Russia probe:

This is not justice; it’s totally political. RESIST, and unleash all investigative and legal powers to find anyway to destroy him and/or his family and/or his supporters. Tyranny.
-Pokey McDooris

Even a spoof news guy can’t make this shit up. The people resisting the tyranny are the tyrants. Similarly, that guy who tried to blow up Hitler with a briefcase bomb was doing so on secondhand information. “Sure some Jews have been disappearing lately, maybe they’re traveling. What has Hitler really done that’s wrong? There’s no specific statute about genocide, is there?”

Whereas Benghazi was politically motivated, the Mueller probe is an attempt to maintain our sovereignty and protect our voting process. We already know what happened to our 2016 elections; it’s not conjecture. The only remaining question is: why don’t they understand that? Two facts: 1. Russia interfered with the 2016 election, and 2. Our President failed to even acknowledge this fact, let alone do anything about it. Forget collusion for a moment, when those two truths are listed how can the Republicans ignore them?

Any layman can see why we investigated Russian meddling into the 2016 election, and thereby Moscow’s suspicious/dubious/numerous interactions with the incoming administration. But then there’s these two ‘technicalities’ that have surfaced:

  1. Christopher Steele’s “salacious & unverified” dossier triggered the initial FISA warrant (with the extra added bonus of some Hillary funding).
  2. The FBI duo Stzrok and Page’s personal text interactions that triggered three meaningless hearings …not to mention the terrible first sentence of this article that you, fair reader, endured to make it this far. Bravo!

If McClatchey’s recent Cohen phone-feature rings true, so to speak, it’s game over. If Michael Cohen’s phone did ping in Prague then yet another component of the dossier will be verified and collusion is in the books. All Along The Cell Tower? Meanwhile, The right-wing media has turned a collection of unrelated wrongdoing by a group of people across our political and intelligence spectrum into an irrational deep-state conspiracy. Many of their ‘key points’ aren’t even factual. Nothing will come from FISA-gate even after the Republican-led tribunal, but it will have served its purpose, namely, to help Trump ignore Mueller’s findings and stay in power.

If my friend Pokey could identify what led him down all of these meaningless rabbit holes we could decipher what exactly is happening to the Republican brain and perhaps even create an antidote. President T-virus?

Throughout the years you can always add/replace the right-wing’s ‘technicality’ with the word ‘distraction’. That’s what’s happening here, even if my friend isn’t savvy enough to grasp the tacticality (yes, that’s a word) [Winslow: Not according to Merriam-Webster, but go on…]. There’s a difference between outrage (RESIST) and feigned outrage (Hannity’s America). Lest we forget, George W. Bush is a war criminal—an inconvenient truth. After all, “We tortured some folks.” Dubya got off on a tacticality, namely Obama’s good will and nation-healing naivety. Today, Torturer George is climbing back in the polls just for sneaking Michelle some candy at daddy’s funeral. If things were reversed, Barack Obama would have ended up with so many holes Trump would’ve accused him of being a dairy product from Switzerland. Zurichism?

I’ve suggested when and where we should investigate in real time over the years, and in retrospect about nine out of ten of my conspiracy theories rang true. On that note:

Retraction: I would like to take a moment to apologize to the Romney family, who I became convinced were reptilians who lived in cities deep within the Earth’s crust after listening to Coast to Coast AM on ketamine, mimosas, and hash brownies.

Yeah, I can’t think of what I got wrong either, but most of what I’ve focused on proved to be low points in our nation’s recent history, as opposed to my friend’s theories, which proved to be low points in our nation’s conspiracy theories. My own behavior at Sosoba Noodle Shop last Sunday excluded.

Speaking of which:

“Though the United States was not the subject of the inquiry, it was the Bush administration that falsely sold and launched the invasion (of Iraq). There has been no comparable, comprehensive official inquiry in Washington by independent investigators into the origin and politics of the fateful decision to go to war.” —NYTs 2016

Zero investigation into arguably the largest scandal of our time. When is the New York Times going to say, Pokey was right! Great wrongdoing was done and ignored by his friend Zano? Never …we’re not that popular. But in the interests of false equivalency, these people will keep pitting the likes of Benghazi vs torture & lying a nation into war, or Bill Clinton’s Moscow speech v conspiracy to defraud our elections, or Iran Contra v the Bush created Fast & Furious program. It’s always been Pizzagate v Watergate, yet they will keep insisting, despite all rhyme or reason, that they have a point about something.

In order to take the worst affront to mankind seriously, aka Hillary’s mishandling of her emails, you need to address Ivanka and her daddy’s mishandling of classified information, today. You would agree, because you’re following this story that their use of unprotected devices, some while in foreign/hostile countries, is a security problem? And you would also have to look at Colin Powell’s use of a private server as Secretary of State, because if you don’t it’s something called “Selective Enforcement.” Have the investigation, part ten, whateves… Again, since you’ve lost all perspective, essentially you’re pitting global annihilation vs should unemployed women be on probation? I choose to keep my eye on the ball.

Why, with one tenth of the facts, do Republicans get all the investigations?! You people couldn’t find a beer fart in a frat house. Your inquiries are garbage. All of you and your ilk’s investigations have done is restore my confidence in government bureaucracy …which implies I had some. Part of the reason I voted for Hillary was because of her competently executed seven-plus hour testimony during Phase seven of the Benghazi bullshit. Compare that to your 45-minute Kavanaugh tantrum/sob fest and you have a pretty good idea of Democratic intelligencia vs Republican brain rot.

Character: you people should consider getting some.

(Irony Alert: And this was the guy at Sosaba Noodle Shop last Sunday, lecturing you on behavior.)

Look, the damage inflicted by the Democratic party over the last twenty years has paled in comparison to the atrocities of the GOP. History tells us that about a third of elected populists attempt to end existing term-limits and seize power indefinitely. Our own populist, Donald J. Trump, has already floated the idea: “Maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” I’m sure he’s talking about Elizabeth Warren… So you’re willing to roll those one-in-three dice, Pokey? …just so long as no one tries to provide you or your family with affordable healthcare, right? I guess if you don’t have healthcare that’s as good a hill to die on as any.

As long as you choose to remain impervious to facts and believe a pathological liar over our intelligence communities, you will continue to screw the political pooch on every issue. The press is not the enemy of the people, Trump and his base are the enemy of the people, but only because I have made a very clear and compelling case that if they get their way: we.are.doomed. The long term damage they may inflict on this world could top all of the evil before them. Even Hitler wasn’t shooting for mutual environmental annihilation. And, to top everything off, Donald J Trump has the nuclear football #TrumpocalypseNow. You’re okay with a temp Secretary of Defense, a warmonger National Security adviser, and an emptier cabinet than Walking Dead Season Seven? Really? Our recent political polarization has weaponized stupid and it’s contagious. This is not hyperbole as I have been covering this story tick by doomsday-clock tick.

To keep with tradition,

Here’s what’s actually happening while my friend is still investigating Benghazi:

The Doomsday clock shifted to two minutes to midnight, the closest we’ve been to apocalypse since the Soviet Union acquired nuclear arms, and Hillary Probation Watch reaches ‘meh’. Good night and good luck.
*As for the Douchebag part in the opening image, my friend Pokey is cleared of all douchebagian charges, ha! There’s hope for him yet, even if there’s very little for his political party.

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.