Tag Archive for trump

Wreak Havoc And Let Tweet The Dogs Of War! #WagTheDogsOfWar

 

Tweet Tower—Shortly after President Trump’s first inflammatory tweet was directed at Iran’s president, a second tweet attack was launched from deep in the bowels of Tweet Tower (aka, a staffer admits the president was going ‘number two’ at the time). The Defense Department is downplaying their attempt to set up a back channel to Twitter headquarters in an effort to cut off the president’s ability to launch unauthorized tweets of war. Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis said, “That’s preposterous!” He then made the following cryptic statement without explanation: “Omeonesay omfray ittertway allcay emay, ASAP. The very future of Earth aymay ependday onyay it.”

Post Trump’s Rump Churchill’s Chair Posted On eBay!

London, GB—A number of British newspapers and tabloids trashed President Donald Trump’s recent visit with the Queen, particularly for his decision to plop down on Winston Churchill’s chair. The Mirror exclaimed, “How dare you!” Luckily for President Trump, he never really looks in The Mirror. Today there is a new development as the prized piece of furniture is now appearing on eBay. The Queen of England is refusing to comment on the decision, and no one in the royal family is explaining why they are suddenly willing to part with this historic piece of furniture for a mere £100.

White House Staffer Leaks The Actual Cognitive Test Administered To The President

 

Tweet Tower—Under the increased speculation that the president is unfit for office, the White House physician administered a cognitive assessment exam earlier this week. The physician, Patsy McPassfail, said the president performed “exceedingly well” on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. Today, however, an unknown staffer leaked the actual test the president received. The leaked assessment contained  mostly tailored questions that the president had already answered at one time or another in tweet form. The physician also failed to follow standard scoring practices, often awarding partial credit to the president for picking something ‘right next to’ the correct answer.

DOJ To Investigate New Trump Playground’s ‘Unpresidented’ Access And Instances Of Quid Pro Kid

Mar-a-Lego—A new playground is at the center of a brewing White House controversy. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is under mounting pressure to investigate claims that the president is using a playground in Springfield to recruit new administration members and staffers and get them to join his Trump Youth movement. The Discord’s Cokie McGrath staked out the playground yesterday. “These kids are getting ‘unpresidented’ presidential access that could influence Trump’s policy making decisions,” said McGrath. “Will Trump’s wall come complete with some cool tunnels, slides, and a built in jungle gym? I have already discovered laundered money, counterfeit money, and lunch money on the premises. Everything is under the table here. Really, it’s right under that picnic table and some of it looks really dirty, like it’s been in the mud puddle at the end of the slide.”

Clerical Error Leads To Man Named Harvey Receiving All $15B Of Hurricane Relief Bill

South Houston, TX—All of the latest federal relief funds designed to get Houston back on its feet arrived in check form to the RV park address of one Harvey Ford of South Houston. The Trump Administration is downplaying the mistake and delegated blame to an under-under-secretary, currently under some Congressman. Upon receiving the check, Mr. Ford said, “After the storm I was just happy my rig wasn’t flooded, but now, with $15-billion in my savings account, I may purchase the remains of downtown Houston. Actually it’s more than $15 billion, because I already had over a thousand in there.”

Pence Agrees To Emergency Transfusion To Help Balance The President’s Cerebrospinal Fluid

Tweet TowerAt the top of Trump Tower, to the backdrop of thunder and lightning, two Democratic Senators met secretely with Vice President Mike Pence yesterday. Senators Franken and Feinstein urged Mr. Pence to consider finding a way to help stabilize the president’s erratic behavior. They pitched their daring plot to restore some semblance of balance to the president’s temperament and brain function. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) told the Vice President, “This is not a left right thing, this is more of a the-president-of-the-United-States-is-batshit thing.”