Turdingham, ENG—In a much desired break from the recent rash of milkshake attacks plaguing malty-old-England, Scotland Yard is seeking any information regarding the whereabouts of a large pigeon. The bloated bird is believed to have assaulted Brexit-great Nigel Farage last week with what many are calling an avian Moloturd cocktail. The pigeon, a known proponent of the UK’s remaining in the EU, normally frequents Trafalgar square, Big Ben’s ledge, or that statue of Queen Elizabeth that looks like she’s wearing a toilet seat around her head. On the day in question, however, this pigeon acted like a pigeon …um, possessed by a much nastier pigeon.
47 search results for "england"
Post Trump’s Rump Churchill’s Chair Posted On eBay!
by Mick Zano •
London, GB—A number of British newspapers and tabloids trashed President Donald Trump’s recent visit with the Queen, particularly for his decision to plop down on Winston Churchill’s chair. The Mirror exclaimed, “How dare you!” Luckily for President Trump, he never really looks in The Mirror. Today there is a new development as the prized piece of furniture is now appearing on eBay. The Queen of England is refusing to comment on the decision, and no one in the royal family is explaining why they are suddenly willing to part with this historic piece of furniture for a mere £100.
Trickle-Clown Economics: Brought To You By The Man Of Constant Borrow
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Economic articles are often a little dry, unless served Discord-style (extra Zano, slightly pickled). No one should be surprised by Ass-Clown’s positive annual economic report, and this isn’t back peddling …I’d crash. If our water and our air is turning brown and our government agencies remain emptier than our president’s skull cap, of course there’s some savings to be had. Trump was handed a strong economy. His agenda—namely to not fund anything meaningful, lower corporate taxes and gut industry regs—will pay dividends for a time. All economic indicators have been steadily rising for several years and the graphs have simply continued upward, through no fault of the president’s. The question is will he, or any Republican for that matter, ever hand a strong economy back? Thus my initial prediction: Trump’s gross incompetence would start to mitigate any gains within a couple of years. When Republicans are about all gains tend to vanish into the hands of the top 1% of the 1%, who historically all contain large, trickle-proof bladders.
Harbingers of Dumb? More Signs This 240 Year Experiment In Democracy Is Winding Down
by Mick Zano •
I’m kidding! The GOP has been a big pile of shit for a long time. It just keeps getting deeper, is all. Searching for the last sane Republican is tough, like finding Bigfoot on Mars tough. I’ve always referred to the last few sane conservatives with an almost cryptozoological fondness. I’m talking about people like David Frum (an old Bush speech writer), Andrew Sullivan (blogger extraordinaire) and the grandpa of the party, George Will. Where are they now, you ask? Well, Frum is still fighting the good fight over at the Beast, but even he admits his party broke from reality long ago, here. Andrew Sullivan nearly went mad trying to reform the GOP and finally stopped Dishing it out all together. And, last week, George Will announced he switched from Republican to unaffiliated. This means he may well struggle now when choosing an appropriate public restroom. Upon Will’s departure Trump immediately Tweetomized him here. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about The GOP, but there are signs all across the globe the scheiss is about to hit the lufter.
Why Are Republicans So Angry? Ignorance Is Supposed To Be Bliss
by Mick Zano •
Early in the 21st century, Republicans decided to untether themselves from reality, or more accurately, someone decide for them. Fox = news and morality = pews so no critical thinking necessary. How do they continue to gain seats with this record? Amidst the Age of Information, how have they dragged such a large faction of our country into delusion? Bill Maher recently asked, “did this crazy base always exist or have their numbers swelled through Fixed News and the like?” I think it’s a little of both. We all know someone who still says: had we only used bigger bombs in ‘Nam, or if we’d only kept those “gains” from The Surge in Iraq, or if we’d only ignored Watergate and left Nixon alone …so he could focus on Benghazi.
Nation’s Capital Assailed By Patriotic Missiles
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Washington was assailed by a barrage of patriotic and colorful missiles. Didn’t you read the headline? The President is referring to this attack as Operation: Flag and Awe as many onlookers waved flags and said “awe” during the hour long siege of our Nation’s Capital.
The President, who to onlookers appeared drunk, rambled on about NASA and England’s upcoming UFO disclosures and then started plagiarizing parts of the presidential speech from the Sci Fi movie classic, Independence Day. It marked the first time in U.S. history the Secret Services contemplated taking out the President in the interests of national security.
Pope Loses His Shit While Waiting For Putin
by Mick Zano •
Moscow, RU—After being late for their first meeting, Russian President Vladimir Putin asked the Pope to be his guest at the Kremlin. The Pope agreed but unfortunately Putin arrived even later to greet His Holiness for this second meeting. Bored and frustrated, the Pope allegedly tore down a tapestry of Putin, broke an ornate clock in Putin’s likeness, and then threw a bust of Putin out of a second story Kremlin window. Russian officials have confirmed the plunging bust did, in fact, damage the nose of a statue of Putin in the square below.
Putin’s tardiness is legendary as he was 14 minutes late to greet the Queen of England, three hours late to greet Secretary of State John Kerry, and a whopping five weeks late to greet a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses, who incidentally were never seen again. Some believe the Dalai Lama is still waiting in a little café just off of Red Square, as Putin allegedly “promised to pick up the tab.”
The Captain & Tennille Split Up: Millions Rejoice
by Tony Ballz •
Prescott, AZ—1970s pop stars The Captain & Tennille have called it quits. On January 23, 2014, keyboardist Daryl Dragon was served divorce papers by wife Toni Tennille at the couple’s Prescott home, effectively ending their 39 year marriage. The Discord is only posting this now because our site admin is still reeling from the news.
Manmade Vs God-Given Rights
by Mick Zano •
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Is the Constitution Obsolete in This Zano Nation?
by Pokey McDooris •
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