Washington—President Obama announced today he is not going to have a typical lame duck last term. For his final year in office, the President plans to acquire as many guns and Holy Bibles for his “personal collection” as possible. Obama told reporters, “I want to do something good while I’m still in office because, let’s face it, nothing good has happened so far. Heh, heh. I’m calling it: Operation 2nd Testament.”
Senator John Q. Republican was quick to condemn the move. “This is a clear attack on religion as well as our 2nd Amendment rights. If that Muslim son-of-a-burka comes anywhere near my gun or my Bible, I am going all Old Testament on his black ass. ”
Obama responded to the Senator’s statement thusly, “Look, this is the same senator who still thinks Republicans have points about stuff. I don’t want to deal with this clown-car congress (CCC) anymore. When they speak I feel like just honking a horn back at them. How can anyone hear themselves think over all their saber-rattling, anyway? Putin could probably nuke us and I wouldn’t even know it. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Anyway, it’s all vetoes and executive orders from here on out. Honk, honk, bitches! That’s why I think this initiative is so important. Sure correlation doesn’t necessarily imply causation, but they don’t even know what that means, so screw ’em! I’m not taking shit! I think I’m going to melt down the guns to make giant birthday cake statue for Sasha. I’m also thinking about using The Bibles to build an exact replica of Stonehenge. Power to the Pagans, people! I might even let the American people decide this one. Ha, ha…kidding. I’m going to do both. I want to have my cake and edict too. Get it?”