Washington, DC—Inauguration Ceremonies for our forty somethingth President was apropos for a once great nation in decline. For many the highlight was seeing deceased actor Leslie Neilson taking the stage with Christina Aguilera for the singing of our National Anthem. Neilson, still not entirely himself since his death in 2010, waved stiffly to the crowd before shouting, “And don’t call me Shirley!” When the cheers finally abated the two preceded to butcher the Star-Spangled Banner.

“At one point I was singing the second verse and she was singing the third,” said Neilson. “You can’t plan for that sort of thing. You just feel it in your groin and you go with it. And then later, when your groin stops hurting, you just laugh your ass off until your groin starts hurting again.”

When someone asked if Francis Scott Key was spinning somewhere in his grave, Nielson smiled and said, “I’ll let you know.”

Aguilera then took the mic and said, “I am so honored to be here on the same day when such a great black man was finally silenced.”

A confused hush fell on the crowd after her statement—the hush was only broken when the jumbo screen finally zoomed over to Miss Teen USA 2007, who said, “The U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children and stuff.”

Then as Barack and Michelle Obama finally made their way to the podium, Kanye West fought his way through throngs of guests and secret service agents alike before saying, “Yo Obama, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but that Mormon guy had the best campaign ever! He should be President!”