Libertarians Anonymous: Breaking with the Tea Parties, Texas Tea, and All Things Lipton

Art Fenski

Hi, my name is Art and I’m a libertarian.

[Room responds “Hi Art”]

Today, I am celebrating 387 days sane and centrist!

[Applause]

I come before you today to share my personal 12th step in recovery – carrying the message to others.  My logical awakening was only possible through working this ideological-cleansing 12-step process.

Like many of you, I was seduced by the siren songs of personal liberty, limited, efficient government, and free market economics.  The soothing comfort of my nightly serving of libertarianism had a magical way of making the day’s problems disappear (or so it seemed).

Life under the tyranny of the Obama regime could suddenly be tolerated, if not accepted.  The IRS seemed less threatening.  Universal healthcare would probably not survive the inevitable Supreme Court challenge.

But soon I found myself needing more to cope with my anxiety.  One dose of basic libertarianism was no longer sufficient.  I needed the hard stuff and lots of it: Social Darwinism before dinner, unfettered environmental destruction with my meatloaf, target practice in public parks with my mashed potatoes…maybe even a nightcap of total anarchy!  I started circling the IRS in my Cessna…hell, I even watched the 700 Club once and caught myself saying, “You tell ‘em, Pat!”

[Nodding in empathy]

I was well on the path to ideologically-induced paranoia, or advanced IIP as it is know on certain acronym-laden websites (ALW).  Suddenly there were socialists everywhere!   Every act of compassion and fairness I witnessed was in fact a threat to the Constitution.  I even channeled Beck with a Ouija Board, until someone reminded me he wasn’t dead yet. I had to put a stop to this for the good of my country and the future of my children.  The only way out was…The second amendment.

[Gasps]

Only by baring arms outside the halls of indoctrination could I put a stop to this red menace.  I called upon the omnipotence of our libertarian forefathers to deal with these modern threats to freedom.  The Kenyan conspiracy must be stopped!  The election was a fraud. Obama had stealthily usurped power just as his mentor Adolph Hitler had done decades earlier.  If only Kenneth Star could uncover a sexual scandal, our long national nightmare would end…

I realized far too late that libertarianism was a gateway philosophy.  It seemed like such a harmless pleasure at first, something along the lines of the Ghetto Shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise.  And surely a touch of radicalism couldn’t hurt, right?  Then, the next thing you know you’re watching Glenn Beck in your underwear and firing live rounds into the ceiling fan.

[Nods of understanding]

I’d witnessed others espouse the virtues of property rights and free markets and they seemed able to handle them.  How could I know that, for a certain percentage of the population, libertarianism could lead to AM talk-radio dependence, subscriptions to “National Review,” and endless 24 hour Fox News cycles?

[One woman runs sobbing for the door]

I had bottomed out.  I knew that I was powerless to recover on my own.  Fortunately, an LA member was discretely handing out pamphlets at a local Birther rally.  I attended my first meeting eighteen months ago.  I admit I’ve fallen off the wagon a few times since.  A couple of times I even snuck into a bar just to catch Hannity’s America.  I told my wife I was having an affair.

[More empathetic nodding and a burp which may have been unintentional]

I am now well on my way back to the rational world.  Freely elected legislative bodies are not a sign of the apocalypse.  Adding millions of poor people to the healthcare system is not the equivalent of burning the Constitution.  Mexicans, who cross the border looking for a better life, don’t need to be flogged in order to preserve the future of a white society.

Life in the rational world is your birthright!  The iron grip of the absurd ideology can be broken…but only by first confessing that alone you are powerless to fight it.

Thank you for allowing me to share.

[Standing ovation]

Let us close with the sanity prayer:

Mind, grant me the sanity
to reject any propaganda-based paranoia I cannot swallow;
embrace the rational beliefs of the center;
and the deductive reasoning to know the difference.

Studying one issue at a time;
analyzing one solution at a time;
accepting logic as the pathway to progress;
imagining, as George Will did, this dogmatic world
as it can be, not Hannitized for our protection;
trusting that we will make all things right
if they are subdued by our votes;
that we may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with others
‘til November do us part.
Ramen.

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