BP has announced that each day the Deepwater Horizon gusher is now releasing over 5,000 barrels of Guinness into the Gulf of Mexico. BP believes the switchover from oil to Guinness happened sometime yesterday, around ‘happy hour.’ Only moments after the announcement, distributors and beer enthusiasts across the globe created several viable plans to not only cap the well, but to salvage the majority of the beer already in the Gulf.
“This turn of events has mobilized a world response like no other,” said CEO Tony Hayward. “Well, at least not since the great Michelob eruption of 72.”
Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop, believes this discovery will radically change our understanding of prehistory. New theories about the extinction of the dinosaurs have already surfaced. Did the Irish kill off the dinosaurs, or at least their livers? Even more outlandish theories involve planetary brewing systems and vast networks of ancient interstellar pubcrawlers. Meanwhile, Dr. Hogbein’s book Chariots of the Grogs remains ignored by the archeological community.
BP is strongly advising against unauthorized attempts to plug the hole by concerned private citizens.
“And under no circumstances should anyone try to drink anything floating in the Gulf,” warned Mr. Hayward. “We have just struck Guinness and it will take several weeks before the first Guinness slicks reach shore. This does mark the end of the fiasco and the beginning of the fiesta.”
Despite the rosy picture BP is painting, critics claim this is the worst case of beer abuse in recorded history…er, well, since the Michelob eruption of 72.