When I was picked to lead Expedition Earth, I was eager to put to rest the age-old question involving the species known as the Republican tribe. Inspired by our recent discovery how the Maya were overrun due to a weak defense, a burdensome public healthcare option, and an almost non-existent immigration policy, we knew we were close to solving an even bigger mystery. The Republican’s exodus from Earth remained a mystery for ions, which are like eons only futuristically spelt wrong. They didn’t just die off, as some assert, for they were fatter than their Democrat counterparts. This has since been confirmed by many of the communications of the time. They also had better healthcare than their donkey-loving counterparts. The Democrat tribe created a federal universal healthcare system for themselves, while their fatter counterparts had their own “specialists” paid by the client, not by the provider, as is done today. There is no record of a war or civil strife of any kind during this critical juncture of human history. Republicans just started to disappear around 2025, with the last vestiges found in cave drawings in abandoned Pennsyltucky Coal mines, circa 2077.
On a large island dump off the coast of a place known as Nevada, we found many references to a California. We realize now that this island was once connected to the mainland, as its coastline matches up to the island’s shoreline perfectly. These land masses were joined at the “fault line” as per the local record keepers of the time known as “The Doobie Brothers”. Why these prolific siblings made light of “livin’ on the fault line” we will probably never know. The mindset of the locals regarding this precarious geological lifestyle (PGL) may have resulted from the local practice of inhaling burnt remnants of some of the local flora. It has been described in other records as “weed” and was widely used and taxed by the local governing body to recoup losses caused by gross mismanagement.
As we were looking for records, other than Doobie Brothers, we stumbled upon piles of bones. These remains were of local animals eaten, by mostly Democrats it seems, judging from the local record keepers of the time, including, but not limited to, Barbra Streisand and one Donald Henley. While most of the bones were of the bovine variety, with lesser amounts of the snouted, spring-tailed variety, many fewer animal bones were unearthed as compared to the southeast region. Hidden in a vault, our research team discovered an even larger group of bones that turned out to be a grisly discovery indeed.
Our experts identified these bones as human. We initially questioned this fact, as the area was a refuse pit, not a burial site. Upon further examination, however, our experts realized some of the bones looked like those of the Republican variety, judging by their wide ribcage size, perfect teeth, and wide pelvis caused by spending most of their life in a sitting position. It was then that our lead archeologist turned to me and pointed to a series of cut marks made by the local tableware of the time. The vault walls were strewn with carvings, such as “And for dinner we enjoyed my good friend, Senator such and such from Nebraska,” and the like. It dawned on the research team at that precise moment, why there was no record of the Republican tribe after 2025. They disappeared from the planet soon after the Democrat tribe realized they were wrong all along, but still did not want to submit to their evil counterparts. I assume in retaliation for “political” reasons, they did the only thing left for them: they ate them. Thus the term CHUDS: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Democrats.