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Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Cuban Fizzle Crisis? Did Jeb Unleash Marco Malware?
by Mick Zano •
Cruz’s “Trapped In Box” Performance Wows New Hampshire Voters
by Mick Zano •
Nashua, NH—Just days before the New Hampshire Primaries, Senator Ted Cruz strayed from the usual stump speech and broke into a dazzling mime act. He thrilled scores of Republican primary voters with his performance of: “Invisible border wall, built by Mexicans.” He then swung into a rousing rendition of: “Man trapped under crushing federal deficits.” Cruz then took a break from the action, which consisted of drinking from a cup of imaginary water, before resuming with: “Man walking against wind of Islamic extremism” and “Shrinking government and then drowning it in bathtub.” Then for his grand finale he performed a masterful: “Man climbing out from under overwhelming government regulation.”
We The Discord, In Order To Form A More Perfect Onion
by Mick Zano •
I’m not changing the Constitution, Pokey! I just added the beer mugs. The Founding Fathers would eat that shit up, or in this case drink. Thursday’s Dem debate showed two conscientious people who understand the intricacies of today’s problems. They offered real strategies, solutions, specifics and even the historical context behind each issue. Republicans, meanwhile, sound like no one studied for the middle school debate final. I think if you asked them to define Glass-Steagall, they’d say, “Isn’t that the department store across from Macy’s?” They have a few prepared talking points—rehearsed in front of a mirror with an air guitar, no doubt—and then they insert these gems randomly into the discourse. It’s like listening to someone with Tourette’s contract encephalitis during a brain fart.
“Sure some things are ideologically driven on the left, but EVERYTHING is ideologically driven on the right, and when I say driven, I’m talking Captain Ahab with roid rage. And what is the result? The Republican candidates’ domestic policies are incomprehensible and their foreign policies are unconscionable.”
This is a response to the article: It’s The Constitution, Zano, Not Your Articles Of Degeneration.
Could Eastwood’s Empty Chair Get The VP Nod?
by Mick Zano •
Tampa Bay, FL—Clint Eastwood’s chair is once again making a bit of a stir on the campaign trail. The chair, best known for its appearance during the 2012 Republican National Convention, told reporters it has received several calls from Republican frontrunners regarding the possibility of joining their ticket. The chair was pivotal in helping Clint Eastwood help Mitt Romney lose the 2012 general election. Since its controversial debut in Tampa Bay, the chair fell out of the spotlight. It eventually ended up in a rundown apartment in Sarasota where the chair spent the last few years as a recluse. It was rarely seen in public unless more than three guests arrived for meals or card games.
The Force Mistakens
by Mick Zano •
Hillary Hacked! Frontrunner Served After Self-Serving Selfie Slip
by Mick Zano •
The Avenger? Iowa May Yet Bern, Baby, Bern
by Mick Zano •
Bernie Sanders has a crowd in Iowa right now that looks like a Beatles concert with Led Zeppelin opening. On the eve of the Iowa Caucuses and this incredibly important election I can’t help but think, what the hell is a caucus? I could Wiki this shit, but the NHL All Star game is about to start. I really don’t understand Iowa either. I’ve driven through it a couple of times…you know, to get to more primary states (badum, bump). Right now, I have to admit I’m scared blogless. I never wanted Hillary to be the Democratic nominee, but Bernie may not have the necessary independent appeal to win a general election. If Bloomberg enters the race, we could be facing a Republican supermajority and then, promptly, a failed state. That’s fine if you’re into that kind of thing. Banana Republican? Many believe the mindset of our country is essentially, “We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore!” I think what best captures our current Scheissgeist is more like, “We’re all dumb as hell and…look, a squirrel!”
A Daily Discord Public Service Announcement
by Mick Zano •
Blizzard Update: Man In E3 Waiting Until Chick in E4 Finishes Watching All 49 Episodes of American Horror Story Before “Making Move”
by Mick Zano •
Bloomfield, NJ—Amidst the recent east coast blizzard, 26-year-old tenant of Crestridge Apartments E3, Kyle Gustafson, has a plan to “finally hit on that girl in E4.” The plan, which many are calling ‘stupid’, involves his waiting until she watches all 49 episodes of American Horror Story on Netflix. There are so many problems with Mr. Gustafson’s plan, not the least of which is: Netflix is offering 51 episodes, not 49.