Washington—President Marco Rubio has flip-flopped on his decision to allow the Senate Intelligence Committee to pursue yet another Benghazi hearing. The president told the press today, “With new evidence tweeted to me from Donald Trump Jr. *cough* from prison, there are still a number of unanswered questions about the Benghazi embassy attack.” After some initial reservations, the president is now ordering the exhumation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from her current resting place at Memory Gardens Cemetery in Arkansas. Clinton’s final wish was to be buried right alongside Vince Foster, a friend and colleague who died under mysterious circumstances, so “they could save time by only having to dig one hole for their next bullshit investigation.”
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Under New Budget The Department Of Housing And Urban Development (HUD) Is Now Just UD
by Mick Zano •
Tent City—Under the new Trump budget, funding for the Department of Housing And Urban Development is being drastically cut. HUD Secretary Ben Carson told the press today, “We are still focusing on housing for the poor, but just not of the four-walls-one-roof variety. We will be moving toward a block grant model, which blocks the grants from poor people and shifts them to the rich. It’s all part of the president’s new Dooh Nibor initiative. Think about that one… But we are going to make sure the domicile-impaired get hooked up with some really good real estate people and financial advisors, for a fee of course. We want to help them sign onto a mortgage then our friends on Wall Street can step-in and work their repackaging magic. There’s also some concern about those folks who are homeless and suffer from addiction or mentally illness. I can assure you these folks will still be eligible for all the same supportive services, well, until the behavioral health cuts kick-in next month.”
Fox News Explains Recent Stock Market Slump: Now Available In Coloring Book And Scratch-N-Sniff
by Mick Zano •
Dimension F—Sean Hannity of Fox News infamy was quick to blame the stock market’s recent 1600 point plunge on Donald Trump’s predecessor. For those Foxeteers among us, that means the black guy. Hannity then proceeded to go on a lengthy rant about Obama’s terribly weak, no good economy, when he was actually referring to Obama’s predecessor. For those Foxeteers among us, that means Incurious George (oh, and you can look up “incurious”, but by definition you probably won’t). Hannity finished his latest insightful segment with a special comment on how #Bear Markets Matter, which, as it turns out, is also bull.
Google Earth Discovers Foundation Of Popular Drinking Establishment Under Existing Dive Bar
by Mick Zano •
Brooklyn, NY—Thanks to advancements in Google Earth imagery, researchers examining the ancient New York bar scene have discovered a previously unknown Brooklyn watering hole. The foundation of this older establishment is much larger than the current business, Jake’s Shithole & Grub, located at the same address. Anthropubologists believe this earlier structure was built by post-McSorelian nomadic brewers many decades ago. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, told the Discord today, “For a pub archeologist, this is like finding the Holy Ale or the Beer of Destiny. This could help fill in entire gaps in the ancient pubcrawlic record. We may find clues about the period between rock and grunge, or post-disco and hip-hop, or even between Saturday afternoon and that incident I had at Chumley’s at last call. This amazing place, revealed by Google Earth, looked to be a hybrid of a pub and a club. This ‘plub’, as it were, housed both a giant dance floor as well as several regulation pool tables. And this is just the tip of the ice beer.”
Now Hiring For Director Of The Federal Bureau Of Investigation: Experience A Plus, But Not Required
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—According to an unnamed Discord source, the White House is behind a series of help wanted ads for the FBI directorship appearing on LinkedIn and Indeed. The controversial posting states, “Full-time, must be 18 years of age. The candidate must be a ‘yes’ man, and ‘man’ preferred. Unswerving loyalty to the president required. White privilege a must. Will train if not misogynistic, racist, or xenophobic. Good phony communication skills (not a typo). Must be willing to destroy the rule of law and protect a sociopathic man-child prone to periodic temper tantrums. Must possess knowledge of adolescent behavioral modification strategies. Prior FBI or police experience a plus, or at least watch some of the new X-File episodes prior to interview. Must be able to hide the bodies, but then not disclose where said bodies are buried. Excellent benefits (for now). Knowledge of Excel a plus.”
God Claims Responsibility For Derailment Of Train Carrying GOP Congress Members, Calling It “A Metaphor”
by Mick Zano •
Crozet, VA—God has claimed responsibility for the derailment of a train carrying a number of Republican congressman outside of the small town of Crozet, Virginia earlier today. God stated that the attack was a response to last night’s State of the Union address. His or Her Holiness told the U.S. press today, “Do not follow this false prophet! Trump talked for friggin’-ever last night and then the Democrats got their turn to respond after his speech, so what about me? Why can’t the Supreme Being get a word in edgewise? Well, I’m done with this shit. Trump does not speak for me, hell, without a teleprompter that ass-clown can’t speak at all!”
Republicans Set To Release Nunes Memo On Wednesday And Then The Flying Monkeys On Thursday
by Mick Zano •
Liberals are at a huge disadvantage during a Republican scandal.
For one thing, we can’t ask what did they know and when did
they know it, because they don’t know anything.
Air Fries One? Trump’s New Self Serve Kiosk Costs Tax Payers Over Ten McMillion
by Mick Zano •
The Friendly Skies—Another campaign promise was fulfilled today, a promise being hailed as a ‘special one’ to the chief. President Trump told the press, “I deserve a break today. Sometimes it’s a long flight between my hotel and my other hotel with the golf course, not to mention that place we all went last month, Camp Donald. Today, finally, I can get all my favorite meals, made fresh, whenever I want. Screw those little peanut packets that you losers get on the way to New Zealand. Me, I’m lovin’ it! Trust me, a Happy Meal makes for a happy flight …except they switched the toy to those Yo-kai Watch things. Damned Japs. You want to see time fly? I’m going to throw this foreign piece of shit out of the window at 30,000 feet. Year two of my administration I intend to make Happy Meals great again!”
The Kristol Ship: Can’t The GOP Just Get Back To Unnecessary Wars And Tanking The Economy?
by Mick Zano •
Regardless of one’s political affiliation, it’s hard to dislike William Kristol of Weekly Standard fame. He, if nothing else, represents a rare voice of reason for the conservative movement. He’s always proven wrong, but he’s at least a seemingly informed know-nothing. Not surprising, Kristol is showing some buyer’s remorse amidst the new political wasteland that he and his ilk helped foment. In a recent article, he said, “Disenthrallment is not disdain. Thinking anew does not mean thinking as a progressive.” This can be roughly translated as, “With a Republican super-majority, thus in our darkest hour, we must resist the urge to turn toward anything remotely sensible.” Well, there goes the last of the Republican intelligentsia and good riddance. The Brigade will advance! Trumpeter, walk …march!”
—Charge of the Right Brigade
As Mueller Investigation Intensifies GOP Distraction Factory Working Overtime
by Mick Zano •
The Republican scandal factory, known for manufacturing a long line of meaningless political diversions, is back in the news today. The CEO of the company, Rupert Murdoch, is demanding mandatory overtime for all staffers, provided they increase their production of low quality, Glenn Beck-level Foxal matter. In the wake of recent revelations, the president is losing even more sleep over this whole “Rusher thing”, so he requested his friends at Fox News step up their efforts to discredit his enemies. On the docket this week: “Why Is The President’s Own DOJ Protecting FBI Wrongdoing?”; “Is The Clinton Foundation Behind School Shootings?”; “Does Bob Mueller Have Trump Impeachment Fantasies Involving Leather?”; “Is The Deep State Listening To Your Deep Thoughts?”; “If Trump Is Indicted Should His Accusers Be Deported Or Shot?”; “Why Hasn’t Bigfoot Testified On Benghazi?”; “What Does Sasquatch Know And When Did He Know It?”