Brussels, BE—Ironically, Italy, the last NATO country to successfully budget 2% of its overall GDP to defense spending, has done so ahead of the expected 2020 deadline. Instead of cheers from The Trump House, the timing could not be worse. Super Supreme Leader Donald Trump is scrambling as the EU, Australia and Canada, currently known as the Coalition of the Cognizant, just declared war on the United States of The Donald. As rockets are launched ahead of an imminent land invasion, Trump addressed the nation via a historic tweet from his bunker deep in the Earth’s crust. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and those rockets, of course. Wow, there’s a lot of them!! We shall fight them on the beaches, we will defend my land and business empire, whatever your cost may be. How many characters left? Crap. #NeverSurrender!”
Tweet Tower—With the head of the Environmental Protection Agency resigning amidst a sea of scandal, President Trump thought long and hard on how to make a bad situation worse. He eventually tasked his aids with creating a list of the most absurd job histories for those who might replace the disgraced Scott Pruitt. Trump said, “As soon as I saw ‘coal lobbyist’, I stopped reading the rest of the list and called my buddy Andrew Wheeler.” The president later admitted how a coal lobbyist who he would first have to pardon would have been the best choice. The president later added, “Hey, but any port in a shit-storm, right?”
Here’s some of Mr. Wheeler’s accomplishments for those not familiar with this outstanding citizen:
Tweet Tower—President Trump minced no words today… kidding, that’s what he does with words. But the president did sign an important and controversial Independence Day executive order that claims the 4th day in July “is for America and America only.” Other countries located on the planet earth must honor this agreement and all world calendars must reflect these important changes by 2019, or risk additional tariffs, sanctions, and/or a barrage of hostile tweets #MakeAmerica4thAgain. Essentially this executive order demands that all countries outside of the U.S. must have calendars that go directly from July 3rd to July 5th without stopping on the fourth day in the 7th month.
*This edict is void in North Korea, Russia, and the Philippines (Turkey has an every other leap year clause).
Tweet Tower—The White House is reeling today after some of the key interview questions the president is asking each potential supreme court nominee was leaked to the press. This occurred only hours after the president announced he had narrowed the field of prospective replacements for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to four. The first question President Trump asked of each finalist was: Do you believe a sitting president can be indicted? And the follow up question: What if he’s standing?
Tweet Tower—In order to protect members of the Trump Administration from PBR cans, Starbucks lids, and spitballs, key members of the Trump Administration have been issued a Safe Space of their own. At least a dozen Trumpsters are being issued Secret Service protection as well as cool bubble cars. Many are calling this a natural progression as republicans already live in a political bubble, so an actual physical bubble represents the next next logical step in their devolution. Eventually these vehicles will double as swamp fan boats so, once indicted, they can simply return to their primordial ooze.
Tweet Tower—Only hours after the announcement of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s pending retirement, President Trump tweeted his intention to fill the Supreme Court vacancy in a timely manner. He later announced that he’d be using his friends at Speedy Temp to hire a competent and professional Supreme Court Justice “minus all of the usual red tape.” Moments ago the president signed an executive order that skips the whole “nomination/congressional approval thing,” which he hopes will make the transition for Supreme Court Justice Larry faster and smoother.
Palm Beach, Fla—As Special Counsel Robert Mueller is ramping up his activities in an effort to conclude his Russia investigation, President Trump is responding in kind. The president was seen pushing a cart full of pardons in a Sam’s Club in Palm Beach, only several miles from his Mar-a-Lago resort. Many Republicans, including the vice president, are supportive of Trump’s actions, and call the move “a necessary endeavor to protect real Americans from some fake FBI agents.”
If President Trump wants us all to be a little more like North Koreans, here’s my Daily Despot decree. Hear ye, hear ye, all Republicans! Authoritarianism is the opposite of freedom …oh, and it doesn’t involve supporting your local authors either. Here’s a handy dandy scandal overview that lists the findings of our special counsels and judicial experts over the years. The conclusions of these investigations show how our right-wing types always get their day in court, but probably shouldn’t. How many thousands of news hours are wasted each year by Fox and Frauds? Hasn’t it gone on long enough? If our Republican friends devolve any further, grasping for straws will become much harder (what with the lack of opposable thumbs and all).
San Francisco, CA—If you enter an establishment with a certain red hat or other Trump-Related-Insensitive-Paraphernalia (aka, Bad TRIPs), you may not be able to order everything from the menu. Fear not brave populists, many restaurant owners are starting to store a few gay wedding cakes in the back, which they will gladly sell to their rightwing patrons at an inflated price. These cake toppings are often a little racy, with either bent over grooms or icing dildos for the ladies, but they are tasty. A 29% kitchen-to-table tariff will also be included in your bill and saliva can and might be added for no extra charge. It’s not that Republicans are not welcome in liberal districts anymore, they just have to order a la shart.