Tweet Tower—The White House announced that all flags in the U.S. are to be flown at half-staff as the default position until further notice. President Trump told the press today, “With all the constant illegal immigration activities, rats, shootings, rat shootings, witch hunts, and even rat shooting witch hunts, the flag will be flown at half-staff all the time. I only have half the normal staff to run this dump, so it’s fitting. The flag can be returned to the usual way up high position when I say so. This will be easier than all that up and down for every shooting, misstep, tragedy, or important guy kicking the bucket. Eventually I might have the flag raised or lowered based on my mood, you know, when I get laid, acquitted, whatever.”
Most of us get up in the morning for work and drive over the structurally unsound bridge and then pass the accident at that same place …you know, the dangerous intersection the city keeps ignoring. But it’s all good. The cop writes the tickets while the mechanic, the tow truck, and the hospital get their cut and, hey, now they captured it all on camera to maximize litigation. Then you make it to work and report to the Board-selected sociopath—who, surprise surprise, the governing board identified as the only personality disorder anywhere near the top of the food chain—a person whose sole, yet soulless, job is to figure out how to do more with less human resources. And you are a salaried employee, possibly in a right to work state, which translates as: you’re on call 24/7 and please work 50-80 hours a week or we’ll find someone else who will. Oh, and we can fire you without cause, just ’cause. You wander to the window where the facility guys have resumed emptying those skull & crossbone labeled barrels into in the culvert across from the park. Sure, the drinking water’s getting a little Flintier and the food is getting a little more salmonelliear, but we’re saving money, right?
I’m going to cut my friend Pokey some slack. He’s just being used by our rightwing friends and lucky for him the inability to process information is not a crime. Devin Nunes and my friend Sean, on the other Hannity, are actively aiding and abetting a known felon. I’ve touched on this before, because I like to discuss what’s going to happen and avoid my friend’s approach, namely the misinterpretation of everything that already has. Many of us remain 90% sure that a variety of felonies are heading Trumpward. But others close to the president have known about this wide array of wrongdoing for a long time. Likely charges on the low end of the spectrum = obstruction of justice and a wave of white collar crimes. High end of the spectrum = full blown conspiracy + that other shit. The former should—and the operative word here is should—trigger impeachment proceedings. The latter should—and the operative word is should—trigger the full annulment of this administration. Team ass-clown is likely compromised to the Russians and the Saudis. Who knew? Uh, well, most of us. If it walks like a Trump and tweets like a Trump #ItsATrump. My above equation shows the results of such misdeeds in a functional democracy, which we no longer have. Yes, we ran past the point of no return on our environment and our democracy while half the country was too busy investigating the Clintons. Thanks? Today I want to talk about those enablers among us. Not my friend Pokey, a man blinded by the right, but those who are clearly aware of the wrongdoing and yet are protecting the enemy’s of democracy. Post Mueller’s findings, here’s who needs to fry for protecting Trump:
Many of our readers are wondering how this website has gone from bad to worse over the years. I, as CEO, blame the inability of our marketing committee to raise enough funding for a functional Donate button. Next step, the creation of a Go Fund Me page to raise the money to create an on-site Donation button. More to come on that matter, but we are working diligently on this problem. Meanwhile, our recent article Where Is The Femdom Caucus Now? should have read ‘Freedom’ Caucus. We also apologize for the unfortunate direction our Photoshop team chose to take this misguided directive. We have removed the offensive image from the site and created an office dart board with it. Zano took a copy of it into the rest room for half an hour. I don’t know what’s up with that…OK, yes I do. Anyway, last week’s article Alien Ghost of Chiliean Found in Bowl in Mexico, should have been Ghost Chili Found in Mexican Illegal-Alien’s Bowl. This mistake caused a bit of panic south of the border—thankfully just the glorified gift shop in South Carolina, not the country.
Liberals are continuing to make a profound mistake hoping for some republican reformation, a day when the Trumpsters of the world will turn some ideological corner toward reason. Even after the next line of political debacles, no matter how costly, their zenwrongness will hold steady. Essentially 1 in 3 people in this country are impervious to reality. Most citizens are ill-informed, for sure, but this one swath of society has almost no chance of joining the vaguely sentient any time soon. They are locked in this political death spiral, forever tacking toward delusion, even as their champion of freedom gets one step closer to legal, economic, and political disaster every day. Liberals are sill holding onto the notion that, post Trump’s carnage, many will see the error of their ways and embrace some more sophisticated worldview. Let me dispel that notion today, in fact, let’s take said notion and separate if from its family, tear gas it, and banish it to parts south.
Tweet Tower—A senior staffer claims President Trump is exploring the idea of setting up carbonite storage facilities along the U.S.-Mexico border to deal with the current immigration problems. In this way asylum seekers can be frozen and stored until such a time as another president from the future, who might actually give a shit, can thaw them for final processing. Mexico is believed to be intrigued by the idea as well, but is pushing to have the facilitates located on the U.S. side of the border.
Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.
Paramus, NJ—A man is in custody at this hour after being declared the winner of the Garden State Plaza Mall Shop-n-Shoot contest. After a rampage that cost two people their lives and injured several others, Gus Stahl of Maywood, NJ landed a great deal at Best Buy. He made several purchases that likely made gunmen shoppers across the country jealous. Dylan Klebold, of Columbine fame, said, “There were several other Black Friday incidents across the country yesterday, but this guy gets my vote, well, if I could vote. He was a professional. He got in, he got out, no fuss, no muss, and he saved a shit-ton of money. There’s a guy in Delaware who used way more bullets for some Beats. Seriously, dude? Headphones? You’re going to kill a bunch of people and save like, what, fifty bucks? You people make me sick.”
Paradise, CA—A controversial study was published today in The Lancet by Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Coin Op Laundry. Data from the self-proclaimed ‘quantum psychologist’ suggests the height of the smoke plumes from the recent devastating wildfires in California topped that of the average size of Donald Trump’s ego for a brief period of time between the hours of 7:15AM and 9:28AM PST Sunday, November, 17. The White House has thus far refused to comment on the controversial piece of peer reviewed research, which may only further the psychologist’s claim.