News & Politics

News & Politics

Trump Holds Emergency Summit With Actors Who Portrayed Presidents In Film

Tweet Tower—After President Trump’s recent proposal to end the government shutdown failed to budge key Democrats, the president has called for an emergency meeting with all the best actors who have portrayed presidents in film. Our commander in chief understands the very real tension between himself and the majority of Hollywood, but in a presidential tweet he implored them to set aside their difference for the ‘greater great’. Trump asked each of them in the midst of this self-induced crisis to discuss the very real role he must play in the days and weeks to come. The president tweeted: I know some of you don’t get how great I am, but this is important!! And there’s still McDonald’s leftovers from that Clemson thing! #McLeftovers.  

UK’s Theresa May Brought In To Mediate Shutdown

Washington—President Trump has just made a major announcement. The United Kingdom’s embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has agreed to meditate the debate on border security here in the U.S. in the hopes of reopening the federal government. President Trump thanked the Prime Minister upon her arrival and told reporters, “Now we have two of the best negotiators in the world in the same place, so in my opinion the wall is all but built and the government is all but reopen #WallInTheFamily.”

Furloughed TSA Worker Not Even Trying To Find Drugs Up Man’s Rectum

Chicago—The ongoing shutdown is impacting millions of Americans and the willingness of the unpaid masses to keep performing their critical roles is waning. TSA agent Harry Stiles is one man who’s bearing the brunt of this political impasse. Word came in yesterday that an individual was smuggling enough heroin on his person to fund Trump’s team of attorneys for an entire year, but Mr. Stiles is starting to have a shutdown problem of his own. He agreed to speak to The Discord only under the condition he could remain fictional. “This week I started patting down one leg and the person’s alternate arm. Next week I’m going with my ‘every other person pat down’ policy and if this shit drags on into February I’m initiating Operation Wild Wild West.”

Kids Totally Deface Iconic Southwest During Shutdown

The Southwest—The lack of supervision during the government shutdown has triggered an unprecedented wave of criminal mischief across our national parks and monuments. Numerous reports are coming in that scores of juvenile delinquents have officially wrecked the southwest. Park rangers claim rattle snakes are being forced into clog-removing snake labor, whole canyons are being backfilled, and cactuses across our deserts are being humped and molested outright. There’s even reports coming in that the town of Sedona is now overrun with snooty, New Agey types. No, wait …that part’s normal.

Twitter Threatens To Oust Trump Over Shutdown: Trump Caves 17 Minutes Later #EndedTheShutdown

Tweet Tower—President Trump ended the government shutdown 17-minutes after Twitter announced it would be closing the president’s account. The company also informed the president that it relies heavily on indirect government funding to remain a leading social media platform #GovFundMe. Upon hearing the news, several White House staffers claim the president frantically tried to log onto his Facebook account. This ended minutes later with a Presidential Zuckerberg-Related Tirade (PZRT) that could be heard clear to the Washington Monument. The president then cursed all of the Facebook founder’s children and his childrens’ childrens’ children, before opting to bailout twitter and end the shutdown.

Statism And Zano’s Eight-Point Plan For State Centralized Control

Statism is the common feature all systems of Tyrannical Powers of Centralized Control whether they be fascist communist or social dictatorship. It is also the economic regulation of private industry by the state. Mick Zano has done us the great favor of outlining his eight-point plan for implementing a state system of centralized control. Stop pointing to Trump as the villain, Zano, and try looking in a mirror.

Ho-Ho No-No? Trump Sons Bag, Stuff, And Mount Endangered Bumble

Camp Donald—The gift the Trump sons chose for their father on Christmas morning is turning into a scandal in and of itself. Minus the necessary permits, the two brothers entered the Yukon Territory before tracking, shooting and killing a Bumble, an animal the Canadian Government considers protected. Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, is calling this an ‘act of gore’ and has mobilized the Canadian Mounties and the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen to monitor any and all Trump family movements along the U.S./Canadian border throughout the rest of the holiday season.

Trump Floats Canadian Border Wall To Halt Bumble Migration

The Great White North—President Trump recently relayed to Homeland Security his intention of building a northern border wall between the U.S. and Canada. At a rally in Orlando, Florida the president explained, “We need to keep out all the Yetis, the Bumbles, the Eskimos and those Abominable Hockey Players. That whole country could win an ugly sweater contest. It could. I’m also not happy with Trudeau. Not happy! And don’t worry about the cost, because I’m going to get Santa’s factory elves to pay for it.”

After Rash Of Airport Incidents Skynet To Release Drone Terminating Drone

Tweet TowerThis year has seen a marked increase in the illegal drone presence at and around our airports. Many citizens are also upset by an expanding fleet of private drones that continue to encroach on our personal privacy at beaches, pools and naked Dungeons & Dragons marathons. Moved to Friday, gang! Shortly after the two day drone siege of London’s Gatwick airport, the White House is finally addressing this global problem. President Donald Trump has used his Art of the Deal prowess to finalize an agreement between Skynet and the Trump Organization. The Donald believes this arrangement is win win, and by ‘win win’ he means “for myself and my family.” The president told the press today, “I made a deal with the best people over at Skynet! The best people!! Illegal drones are history, HISTORY!! #Trumpinated.” Despite the benign sounding business agreement, The Discord has discovered the secret involvement of many other key global players in this endeavor, such as, but not limited to: Umbrella Corp, Soylent Corp, Koch Industries, Beelzebub Global, Monsanto, Rio Tinto, The Backstreet Boys, American Cyanimide, MomCorp, GeneCo, Multi-National United, Mordor LLC, Dante Laboratories, SCOTUS, LexCorp, Tyrell Corporation, Veidt Industries, The National Rifle Association, Blackwater, Abstergo Industries, The London Symphony Orchestra, KAOS, Chick Fil A, LexCorp, Biffco, Alternate Street Parking, Biffco again…

White House Offering New Staffers Choice Of Very Own Free Range Lawyer

Tweet Tower—The White House has remained woefully understaffed throughout President Trump’s first term and, since legal jeopardy is rising for cabinet and staff members alike, the president has proposed an innovative solution. Anyone who accepts a position with the administration will now get to hand select their own personal free-range attorney directly from the White House lawn. The Trump Administration hopes this new perk will increase the number of applicants, which have recently fallen to slightly below zero. In related news, the HR director is unavailable for comment and is facing significant jail time.