News & Politics

News & Politics

Republicans Insist They Are Not Partisan, Just Stupid

When asked about his disdain for President Obama’s stimulus package, Senator Boehner (R) from Ohio had this to say, “As the economy tanks completely we need some plausible deniability.”

Boehner believes that backing the bill, should it fail, would be catastrophic for the remaining republican egos in both the Senate and the House.

“We would have no one to blame but ourselves, and we can’t have that now, can we?”

When asked why the Senator urged his fellow Republicans to vote ‘yes’ for the 700 billion dollar Bush bail out, which has since disappeared into a few banker’s personal accounts freeing up zero dollars for loans, Boehner had this to say, “Umm, er…actually, I feel, er…you see, truth be told, I was dropped on my head as a child.”

The Audacity of, “Nope”

Has anybody else noticed how Obama uses the same George W. Bush style tactics to pass his policies through Congress? 

“If you don’t let me take a trillion dollars from the tax payer’s children and grandchildren RIGHT NOW, then we’re all doomed.”

Isn’t this the same politics of fear?  Remember when George Bush gained the right to invade Iraq or when he passed the Patriot Act?

“Did Congress even read the act?” we asked. 

Well, why don’t we ask that of this 1000 page Stimulus Package?  Has anybody really read it….Bueller, Bueller, anyone?  How do I know Obama isn’t just paying back all of those scumbags who got him elected?  By the way, where the hell is this trillion dollars coming from, Madoff Enterprises, or maybe Stanford Inc?

Why should I believe that the Federal Reserve, the Congress, and the Obama Administration aren’t simply exploiting our country’s spiraling demise?  Stop everything and take a deep breath; let’s go through this package step-by-step with the American people.  Explain why this stimulus package will benefit our economy rather than harming it.

Thus far, I’ve given Obama the benefit of the doubt.  Just because his friend and Pastor shouted racist rants in public, doesn’t  necessarily make Obama a racist.  Just because he has friends who insist the world would be a better place without America doesn’t make Barak Obama anti-American.  Just because he kissed the ass of every sleazy politician in-and-around the Chicago area to gain power doesn’t mean he’s a sleazy politician.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to stop giving Barak Obama the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s start calling a spade a spade (am I still allowed to say that?). 

Barak Obama is an aspiring tyrant in the tradition of Mussolini, Fidel Castro, and Hugo Chavez, who would do or say anything and who would sacrifice all of our liberties to benefit his own power.

Top 10 Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package

  1. Bankruptcy Lawyer
  2. Crises Worker
  3. Suicide Hotline Operator
  4. Grave Digger
  5. Drug Dealer
  6. Thrift Store Specialist
  7. EMT  Worker
  8. Government Economic Advisor
  9. Security/Police/Military or, better yet, Military Police
  10. Discord Consultant/Editor/Contributor

Marijuana Linked to Losing Sponsors

A study conducted by Northern Arizona University showed a significant correlation between recreational pot use and the losing of massive financial sponsorships. The study looked at seven people at random who had already lost major amounts of money due to revealing pot party photos. Michael Phelps is only the latest victim in a long chain of similar situations, often involving bowls and blunts and bongs, oh my. Professor Schmidt “Smitty” Stoltz, nearing both tenure and senility, suggests that famous sports figures should go back in time and stop their friends from taking pictures of them while in the process of smoking pot.

AC/DC Admits All Nineteen Albums Really Just One Long Song

Angus Young of the Australian hard rock band AC/DC admitted during a congressional hearing this week that all nineteen of the band’s studio albums were written during one lost weekend in Sidney. The drug-induced recording session occurred in early 1973 while under the influence of beer, whiskey, and a powdery substance, possibly crystal meth.  The band originally named the twenty-seven hour long song AC/DC.  This title only became the band’s name after the 73’ recording session, primarily because the next day no one could recall their original name (which Mr. Young believes started with a B). On a related note, Adult Protective Services are currently pressing charges against the band’s manager for the long and grueling exploitation of these severely mentally ill individuals.  Dr. Stempen would like the band members to know they can always “come home.”  Food and injectable psychotropic medication are ready upon their arrival.  Dr. Stempen wants Angus to know that the wardrobe rules at Fairview Pines have relaxed.

“You can wear your knickers whenever and wherever you want.”  Shirts are now only required during visiting hours.  Also, the nursing staff has completely forgiven Malcolm for the “sponge bath incident.” 

Mikko, Mikko, Mikko

The Crank

First off, it’s painfully obvious with your rather word-y response to my rant that you have WAY too much time on your hands and WAY too much access to useless information—unless, of course, you harbor the secret desire to be the next William Ef Buckley. Perhaps Charles Johnson’s interpretation of Mahasatipatthana sutra might help, wherein blah, blah, dispassionately examine evidence, blah, blah, product of past conditioning blah, blah, blah. Say fucking what? That, Mikko, expends way too much hot air. Think of global fucking warming the next time you release that much hot air recklessly into our fragile ecosystem.

Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go; I AM the 800 lb gorilla in THIS fucking room. (Uh…my picture?) Though beige I might be, no less gorilla am I. Second, after watching what good do-gooders have done for this world, or lack thereof, and mainly what being a do-gooder has done for the do-gooders themselves (re: you and your family) for the last fifty plus years, I have made a command decision to stop you all in your tracks before you do any more fucking good for you or the rest of us. I have had enough good to last a fucking lifetime. I am good to go, so good riddance to all of you good for nothing good eggs.  Good damn it! 

Where I come from this turn the other cheek shit will get you killed, or at the very least poor and friendless. Its obvious to me that no one with a carbon-water based anatomy can be trusted once they get to power.  The phrase “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely” will appear on my tombstone.  Look what happened to the northern Germans when you put a Klingon-esque uniform on them. Yes, all life CAN be Trek-Related. If you listen carefully, Klingon does sound juuust a little German.  Why do you think Hitler had such bangs?  He was hiding his forehead ridges.

It doesn’t seem to matter what the politicians say or what they are campaigning on, they all do the same shit when they are in office, and, the young of this world take no advice from their elders. History ignored is history repeated, and you mindless lemmings believe everything you hear, looking up at the podium as if it’s an altar of truth.  Can you say Sich-fucking-Heil, anyone? I sometimes wish bullshit had the color and odor of its namesake.  Even the “journalists” of this generation forget just what the fuck their real job is. Quotes like: “Even the sea gulls hovering above feel the humanity” and “when I listen to him, I get a feeling running up and down my leg?”

Are you kidding me?!

Although the faces have changed in the pressers, nothing else has. In the immortal words of Steven Tyler, “it’s the same old song and dance.”  The same buddies are picked for positions they have NO fucking right or ability to occupy.  The same laws will be changed to fit the current regime. The same useless pork will be spent without regard for the applesauce. They will all have the same disdain for “the little people”. The aristocracy will always feel we lack the academia or the expertise to have a say in anything, and should just “let them do what’s needed.”   Fuck them.  I have spent 50 + years learning by watching, some of it after discovering Ritalin!

I don’t like anything I see…anything! Well, maybe Adderal.

That, you see, is why at some stage, some of us just can’t take it anymore. Young liberatards, not unlike yourself, who have not experienced life as we older folks have, WILL either come to this realization sooner or later, or DIE sad, wondering why it all went down the shitter.

SO, rather than go to bed each night all frustrated and worried, I rant at you! It makes me feel much much better and I sleep like a dead ape. THAT, my little friend, is what it’s all about for me at this stage. 

Yours Unruly

Goomis

Al-Qaeda to Close Twenty-Seven Training Camps

A desperate Al-Qaeda is ramping up its rhetoric against the Obama Administration as members are leaving their jihad training camps “by the droves,” stated Abdul Abdul Abdullah to our own Bald Tony during an inappropriate on-line chat last week.

Desperate for an edge in the PR wars, Al-Qaeda is considering increasing their afterlife compensation.

“We are considering upping the ante to 82 virgins in the afterlife,” stated Abdullah. This is a limited offer, void where prohibited.

The terrorist group is doubtful the new strategy will work, however, as a recent Al-Qaeda poll suggests most jihad savvy Arabs really don’t know what to do with more than twenty virgins anyway.  Al-Qaeda is disappointed with recruitment in recent weeks.

“Obama is bad for business,” stated Abdullah.  “Bush was doing a fine job, but now there is hardly enough hatred to go around.”

Abdullah fears an outright end to hatred, which would force him to grow-up and get a real job, perhaps in the gay porn industry.  In the wake of this new age Al-Qaeda is setting more realistic expectations.  Instead of using their bread-and-butter chants like ‘Death to America’, they are considering more achievable goals like ‘Death to Jersey.’  It is hoped that this shift in objectives may gain more support inside as well as outside of the U.S.

“Most agree at least Newark should go,” explained Abdullah, “even Bruce Springsteen, if cornered.”

Pork, It’s What’s for Package

On the hill this week, U.S. Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) declared Obama’s nearly trillion dollar package as “93% spending and only 7% stimulation.” The Obama Administration was quick to point out that all of Bush’s recent 700 billion dollar stimulus package went to the crooks who “got us into this.”

Barack Obama is pleading with the American people for patience and told reporters during his weekly radio address “You must understand that politicians are not going to stop being crooks overnight.”

Team Obama is trying to hit home the message that change is a gradual process. When questioned about Senator Inhofe’s estimation of his stimulus package, Obama responded, “You have to admit that seven percent is a modest improvement over zero percent and that is math you can believe in.”

SpankenCranken

Mick Zano

Goomis, Goomis, Goomis. Not all of life’s lessons can be explained by Star Trek episodes.  Besides, it’s much more like the one when the shuttle crash-lands on that planet, only to be assailed by large rock-hurling giants. (Although, I’m not exactly sure why it’s like that.)

This is going to come as a shock to many of you, but I suffer from Bush Derangement Syndrome (BDS). Fear not, fair reader, for slowly my world will return to normal now that there is some semblance of leadership in the White House. And by normal, I mean, of course: no home, no job, no retirement, and no food. I’m going to miss the American way of life. Give me some time to mourn, for Pete’s sake!  Haven’t you ever heard of the five stages of the grieving process?  Perhaps this recent example will help:

  • Denial (He’s a Yale man and his dad was kind of sharp…)
  • Anger (Torture! The Constitution! The Bill of Rights! The Justice Department!)
  • Bargaining (If I vote straight Dems for the midterms, maybe impeachment…)
  • Depression (Well, Canada has hockey and beer…)
  • Acceptance (Hey, Canada has hockey and beer!)

What confounds me is your endless vitriol aimed at anyone expressing a perspective. Whereas I direct my ire toward a group of individuals responsible for breaking the country—spiritually, morally, and otherwise—your ire involves an ideology: some quasi-nebulous possibility that certain educated tree-hugging types might be bad for our country. Are all educated people indoctrinated by crazed liberal-leaning professors, or is there something more sinister at work here? All of the people you are so angry with have a valid and noble perspective. Pollution = bad; constitution = good; destroying the rain forest = bad; peace = good; dependence on foreign oil = bad; nationalism = good; but too much nationalism = bad. And, most importantly, torture = bad (unless a safe word is first agreed upon).

For the most part, FOX News is not conservative—it’s ridiculous. Not the whole thing, mind you, but FOX-ers generally champion the shittier parts of the fundamentalism (amber) and entrepreneurial (orange) realms. The shadow side of this perspective has led us into a blind alley that some of us refer to as 2009.  I understand what Wilber now designates as “amber” and “orange” have to offer; but they, on the other hand, are missing the 800-pound gorilla in the room: themselves.  Some posit that liberalism may hold even greater dangers. This is where we need the Sean Hannitys and Pokey McDoorises and, yes, even the Crank Manifestos of the world.

Higher perspectives understand and appreciate more perspectives. This color coding is not meant to demean. It’s hologarchial by design (which means nested), not hierarchical.  It’s not a contest.  There are important aspects of each perspective, but there are also heaping piles of horseshit in each perspective.  My view is that FOX News represents the sicker parts of amber/orange, just as Michael Moore arguably represents the sicker parts of green, and the Daily Discord represents the sicker parts of lower integral (so you’re in good company).

Ken Wilber asserts that integral practice involves improving one’s ability to understand more and more ‘nuanced’ perspectives.  You claim I am the flipside of Sean Hannity? I assert that Keith Olbermann is the flipside of Sean Hannity, which is why I critiqued Mr. Olbermann so harshly in a recent article. You are way too liberal with what, and whom, you define as liberal. Integral thinkers will go where the truth leads them, avoiding ideology whenever possible. Many people lumping all higher perspectives as liberal and can’t see the rainforest for the trees.  This is usually done by picking one bad example from a given perspective and then trashing the whole paradigm.  There is surely a vast difference between the Dalai Lama’s fundamentalism and Pat Robertson’s, right? 

Christopher Hitchens would just as soon ditch all fundamental thinking. While I agree most of it is problematic, at best, I think folks like the Dalai Lama have an important message for humanity.

Despite my Hannity insanity, I will defend his right to spew his propaganda.  If—or, more accurately, when—Obama backs the Fairness Doctrine, he will be hearing from the Discord. It is unconstitutional and, like most of Pelosi’s ideas, utter crap. And you should be annoyed about Obama’s “coronation,” but you should be more annoyed with the people who made a coronation a reality. You know, your guy.

Ultimately, my rants are part of the healing process.  Perhaps Charles Johnson’s interpretation of Mahasatipatthana sutra might help, wherein he suggests everyone should “dispassionately examine evidence, tame their minds, know where their thoughts have come from and be able to distinguish what in the mind is the product of past conditioning and received opinion (political ads and propaganda), what thoughts are genuinely their own, and what their desires might be projecting on reality.” 

The trick is to see important aspects from each perspective, in your case other than entrepreneurial (orange). One of the core principles of a more integral philosophy, as Ken Wilber asserts, is to “face our limitations and learn from them, rather than responding with defensiveness and denial.” There are inherent truths from each and every viewpoint, but the more skilled we get with these perspectives—each ever-increasing in complexity—the deeper the level of consciousness attained. In other words, fuck you.  ( :

The Crank Manifesto: On Hannity & Zano, a Match Made in Heaven!

The Crank

Sean Hannity, Micko? You couldn’t resist seeking out the only other person on this whole whirling shithole of a planet that can’t let go of George Bush. Did you just happen to tune in on America’s Newsroom with Megyn “Long-Legs” Kelly and Bill Whateverthefuck? No. Did you just happen to tune in on FOX & Friends with Gretchen “Up-Skirt” Carlson? No. How about The FOX Report with Shepard “I’z-Only-Read’n-Wuts-on-de-Teluhpromptr” Smith? No. Not even The O’Reilly Factor with Bill “See-My-Reflection-in-This-Window” O’Reilly? No. It just HAPPENED to be Sean Hannity, a man whose idea of going “green” was buying a Cadillac Escalade Hybrid. BULLSHIT! You’re looking at a mirror image of yourself, there, Micko. Like when the transporter divided Kirk into the “Good” Kirk and the “Bad” Kirk on Star Trek. Alan Colmes got so all-fucking tired of hearing it he quit! Where can an old funny-looking Democrat with a Roswellian-shaped head and 4 million memorized talking points find work? Oh yeah, there’s always MSNBC, where all bad journalists go to die.

FOX News Channel does have other shows that are much more mentally or visually rewarding, depending what’s on your mind (what little there is of it). I can watch Gretchen Carlson for hours with the sound off and find myself strangely satiated, sort of like watching Xena reruns on the queer channel in the middle of the night. I can listen to Megyn Kelly for hours as she makes interviewees look like Neanderthals. I laugh my ass off every evening watching Shep Smith try to talk. There’s also the FOX News brother channel, FOX Business, with Alexis “Can-You-Spell-Cougar” Glick in the morning, or Rebecca “Cuchi-Cuchi” Diamond and Cody “Jumping-Beans-up-My-Ass” Willard during Happy Hour from, of all places, the Bull & Bear Saloon in the Waldorf Astoria. Come on, your Mickness, try it—grow as a person. It’s not too late, no matter what your daughter says.

Why don’t we hear about the fucking 1.5 TRILLION dollars spent on the coronation—er, I mean, “inauguration”? If it were McCain spending that much, you liberal know-it-all fucking idiots would barely be able to walk, what with the raging hard-ons you would all have in anticipation of the media enemas McCain would be receiving.

I’ve got it! It’s like the Star Trek where the guy that’s half black and half white goes into a locked time warp to fight the guy that’s half white and half black for all time. You and old Sean could sit in a sealed room across from one another for all time, debating the great GWB—and no, I don’t mean the bridge. When the Daleks dig up what’s left of our hemorrhoidal civilization in 10 thousand years, they will find—hermetically sealed (hemorrhoidally sealed?) in a locked vault buried deep in a secret military installation in the mountains of Utah—Micko and Sean, locked in a never-ending battle, still debating the same 16 fucking talking points until the end of time.

In the immortal words of Senator John McCain, when he was stopped by Maria Schwarzenegger on camera and asked how he felt upon losing the presidential nomination eight years ago, “Go away, please. Just go away.”

Yours Unruly