Al-Qaeda to Close Twenty-Seven Training Camps

A desperate Al-Qaeda is ramping up its rhetoric against the Obama Administration as members are leaving their jihad training camps “by the droves,” stated Abdul Abdul Abdullah to our own Bald Tony during an inappropriate on-line chat last week.

Desperate for an edge in the PR wars, Al-Qaeda is considering increasing their afterlife compensation.

“We are considering upping the ante to 82 virgins in the afterlife,” stated Abdullah. This is a limited offer, void where prohibited.

The terrorist group is doubtful the new strategy will work, however, as a recent Al-Qaeda poll suggests most jihad savvy Arabs really don’t know what to do with more than twenty virgins anyway.  Al-Qaeda is disappointed with recruitment in recent weeks.

“Obama is bad for business,” stated Abdullah.  “Bush was doing a fine job, but now there is hardly enough hatred to go around.”

Abdullah fears an outright end to hatred, which would force him to grow-up and get a real job, perhaps in the gay porn industry.  In the wake of this new age Al-Qaeda is setting more realistic expectations.  Instead of using their bread-and-butter chants like ‘Death to America’, they are considering more achievable goals like ‘Death to Jersey.’  It is hoped that this shift in objectives may gain more support inside as well as outside of the U.S.

“Most agree at least Newark should go,” explained Abdullah, “even Bruce Springsteen, if cornered.”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.