News & Politics

News & Politics

DNA Reveals Santa Slayer Actually Just Santa’s Helper

Covina, CA — DNA results now prove the Santa Gunman, responsible for killing nine people and injuring three others on December 25th, is not the real McCoy. Sometimes Santa Claus goes on a killing spree, but sometimes, just sometimes, he hires a Blackwater-like group of mercenaries to do his Yule-time slaying.

“It is a sad day at the North Pole when Santa Claus has to outsource his hits,” says a former consultant to the Kringle family.

The disgruntled elf is very disappointed with his former boss’ behavior.

“Granted, the naughty list is getting longer, but if the fat bastard feels strongly enough about homicide, he should do it himself.”

Fat Bastard, annoyed by the comment, is suing the elf for slander.

A Stimulating Conversation with Fox: I Got Your Package Right Here

Mick Zano

This is going to be a catastrophe!

— Dick Morris

“Going to be”?  Three weeks ago the global market came a hair’s length away from completely collapsing.  The only thing keeping it alive is imaginary money.  I repeat, “going to be”?

— Mick Zano

Obama’s gloom and doom is not helping the market!

— Sean Hannity

Oh, that’s right; you’re supposed to lie your ass off to the twenty-percent of the population stupid enough to still believe your bullshit.

— Mick Zano

We could face a global meltdown that we’ve never seen the likes of!

— Stephen Moore

Ya, think?  Hey Wall Street guy, apparently that gloom and doom stuff isn’t helping.                                                                                      

— Mick Zano

I’m actually hoping that nothing cataclysmic happens to force them to do more bad things. 

— Rick Santorum (You heard right)

“More bad things”?  Obama hasn’t had time to do a list of bad things.  What he has done hasn’t had time to work or not work.  He just got here, but, if memory serves, you’re the guy that had eight years.

— Mick Zano

These quotes, minus mine, all occurred on Fox News 2/23/09 over the course of about twenty-five minutes (end of Hannity beginning of Van Susteren).  The folks at Fox are hedging their bets in the hopes that voting against our last ditch effort, which again, only has about a 15 percent chance of working, will help them in their road-warrior-wasteland-election to come.  Good luck with that.

All of the House Republicans just happened to vote ‘no’ on this stimulus package to kick off Operation Plausible Deniability, but I wonder which obstructionist is now getting the talking points over to Fox?  The propaganda used to be disseminated in an orderly fashion directly from the White House.  Hmmmm.

Remember, this is the same bunch that gladly brought us “Uhhh, where the hell did the last $700 billion go?”

Now they’re ALL getting a little queasy with Package, Part Deux.  Fox’s stance is, of course, painfully predictable, but I really thought they’d wait at least a few more months before blaming it all on Obama. They continue to have no respect for their listening audience.  Four weeks ago our debt was not the issue, there was nothing to see here, just please keep buying more shit, and ignore the man behind the curtain (he’s trying to reread My Pet Goat, shhh!).  The last gazillion dollars is not the problem, it’s this gazillion dollars…you know, the batch with the big (D) next to it.  Now the sky is falling.  Now the so-called fiscally conservative amongst us are suddenly questioning big spending and big deficits. Questioning that was strangely absent for the last eight-years.  Now they have seen the light.  The regular Fox watchers, that I know, all believed the economy would turn around in few months.  This was but some passing clouds.  Now, a few weeks later, under new management, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! FILM AT ELEVEN.  Give me a break.  What is this? Tape delay from the fucking coast?  For the record, I was ambivalent about both Obama’s and Bush’s bailout plans.  At this point in history we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.  But let’s blame the person who broke the country, not the poor sap trying to fix it.  The Republicans, what’s left of them, are just playing Pin the Fail on the Donkey and the cost, either way, will be the American way of life. 

Top Ten Things We Should Nationalize Before They’re Gone

  1. The National Hockey League (national is already in it!)
  2. The Lesbian Gladiator Website (I’m begging you here)
  3. The Daily Discord  (Soon to be America’s Only News Source)
  4. The McLaughlin Group (except parts of Patrick Buchanan)
  5. Pot
  6. Netflix
  7. Potflix (save Reefer Madness!)
  8. The Polar Ice Caps
  9. Angelic Jolie’s breasts.
  10. France

Obama Administration Already Low on Promises

Washington, DC – President Obama admitted to the American people this week that the government is dangerously low on promises.  It is feared the U.S. Government can not maintain sustained growth without more, much needed, unrealistic promises.

“The promises we had in the Federal Reserve are all but gone.” warns Obama, “Only by manufacturing more vital, yet empty, promises can we hope to lead the global market from the brink of destruction.”

Obama vows not to use as many promises in the future.

“We have already taken away all of V.P. Joe Biden’s promises,” said Obama, but added that stretching out the remaining promises “won’t be easy.”

The President is urging the American people to sooth themselves with the promises already promised, so as to stretch out the current supply. President Obama is denying allegations that members of his administration have initiated talks to purchase shoddily manufactured promises, in bulk, from China. Obama promises that this is not the case.  Doh!

So Long My Friend; Real Men Will Miss You

All good things must come to an end; they can’t last forever. These past eight years have gone by in a flash. It seems like only yesterday you were looking over George’s shoulder at his first inaugural, silently saying the oath of office to yourself as George said it aloud, mouthing those immortal words knowing full well you’d be the one doing the real “Presidentin”, as George liked to say. What a great maneuver. How did you get yourself appointed to the office of V.P., or, as you liked to call it, “Virtual President.” What a great feeling it must have been to know that the next pork chop might be your last. What’s an eighteenth cardiac infarction amongst friends, right? It takes all the pressure off making decisions based on future plans. What future? To be able to do what ever the fuck ever you wanted, day or night, for eight years, gives even me a small yet substantial woody (SYSW). When you said “fuck you” to that senator at that photo op, I almost came in my pants, or as I like to call it SYSW + (no really, it was close). When your friend got in the way of a good shot on that hunting trip, you just said to yourself “well, I’ll make sure he doesn’t do THAT again”.

POW!

All of us NRA guys understood.

Haliburton got it all, and damn the liberatards. It’s not like you had to worry about public opinion! I’m sure when you watched protests of the Iraq war on TV, you said out loud “It IS all about the oil idiots” with that wonderful little crooked smile of yours. To have the power of the Presidency of the largest economy on earth, without the little hassle of being “elected”, must have given even your ailing ticker a little jump, eh? You always did what was right—for you, and that takes a real man.

Well, we’re all glad you “made-it”(literally) to this point, even though you had us worried there a few times, like in 01’, 02’, 03’, 04’ etc. You got to stay out of the hospital, because that place will kill ya fer sher. I guess you will now go do whatever retired Darth Vaders do: you will mount your trusty wheelchair and roll away into the sunset giving the world the proverbial finger, as we real men say “Thank You, Mr. Virtual President; may we have another?

For eight years, WE were in charge, and it felt good. Now that “That One” is in charge, and our V.P. is just a mindless puppet with terminal foot-in-mouth disease, all of us “men” will just tuck our penises between our legs and limp our way through the next administration. Who knows, maybe we can get the ‘Nuge to run for President in 2012 and I could maybe, just maybe…

Indeed, Mr. Cheney, perhaps I can be trained in the ways of the dark side; heed the call of the Sith Lord. Hmmmmmmm…

And you, old friend, we will watch your retirement with great interest.”

Yours Unruly

Goomis E. Kyaam

Nuge-Cranken in 2012

Top 10 Social Programs Even Obama Won’t Fund

  1. Fighting Childhood Obesity One Fat Little Fuck at a Time
  2. Moms for Masturbation (MfM)
  3. The Social Inclusion Club (members only)
  4. The ‘Playtime with Mr. Bad Touch’ after school program
  5. The ‘So He Beats Me’ Society
  6. (which spawned) The ‘So He Still Beats Me’ Society
  7. MAMIA – Mothers Against More Inane Acronyms
  8. The Fuck Abstinence Program
  9. The Bucket-O-Food Stamps for the Morbidly Obese Initiative
  10. Card Counting for Compulsive Gamblers (OCD Edition)

In truth, the Obama Administration is still considering 1, 5, and 9.

Republicans Insist They Are Not Partisan, Just Stupid

When asked about his disdain for President Obama’s stimulus package, Senator Boehner (R) from Ohio had this to say, “As the economy tanks completely we need some plausible deniability.”

Boehner believes that backing the bill, should it fail, would be catastrophic for the remaining republican egos in both the Senate and the House.

“We would have no one to blame but ourselves, and we can’t have that now, can we?”

When asked why the Senator urged his fellow Republicans to vote ‘yes’ for the 700 billion dollar Bush bail out, which has since disappeared into a few banker’s personal accounts freeing up zero dollars for loans, Boehner had this to say, “Umm, er…actually, I feel, er…you see, truth be told, I was dropped on my head as a child.”

The Audacity of, “Nope”

Has anybody else noticed how Obama uses the same George W. Bush style tactics to pass his policies through Congress? 

“If you don’t let me take a trillion dollars from the tax payer’s children and grandchildren RIGHT NOW, then we’re all doomed.”

Isn’t this the same politics of fear?  Remember when George Bush gained the right to invade Iraq or when he passed the Patriot Act?

“Did Congress even read the act?” we asked. 

Well, why don’t we ask that of this 1000 page Stimulus Package?  Has anybody really read it….Bueller, Bueller, anyone?  How do I know Obama isn’t just paying back all of those scumbags who got him elected?  By the way, where the hell is this trillion dollars coming from, Madoff Enterprises, or maybe Stanford Inc?

Why should I believe that the Federal Reserve, the Congress, and the Obama Administration aren’t simply exploiting our country’s spiraling demise?  Stop everything and take a deep breath; let’s go through this package step-by-step with the American people.  Explain why this stimulus package will benefit our economy rather than harming it.

Thus far, I’ve given Obama the benefit of the doubt.  Just because his friend and Pastor shouted racist rants in public, doesn’t  necessarily make Obama a racist.  Just because he has friends who insist the world would be a better place without America doesn’t make Barak Obama anti-American.  Just because he kissed the ass of every sleazy politician in-and-around the Chicago area to gain power doesn’t mean he’s a sleazy politician.  Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to stop giving Barak Obama the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s start calling a spade a spade (am I still allowed to say that?). 

Barak Obama is an aspiring tyrant in the tradition of Mussolini, Fidel Castro, and Hugo Chavez, who would do or say anything and who would sacrifice all of our liberties to benefit his own power.

Top 10 Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package

  1. Bankruptcy Lawyer
  2. Crises Worker
  3. Suicide Hotline Operator
  4. Grave Digger
  5. Drug Dealer
  6. Thrift Store Specialist
  7. EMT  Worker
  8. Government Economic Advisor
  9. Security/Police/Military or, better yet, Military Police
  10. Discord Consultant/Editor/Contributor

Marijuana Linked to Losing Sponsors

A study conducted by Northern Arizona University showed a significant correlation between recreational pot use and the losing of massive financial sponsorships. The study looked at seven people at random who had already lost major amounts of money due to revealing pot party photos. Michael Phelps is only the latest victim in a long chain of similar situations, often involving bowls and blunts and bongs, oh my. Professor Schmidt “Smitty” Stoltz, nearing both tenure and senility, suggests that famous sports figures should go back in time and stop their friends from taking pictures of them while in the process of smoking pot.