News & Politics

News & Politics

Republicans, Democrats to Swap Symbology

Pierce Winslow

Ever since the 1870’s cartoons of Thomas Nast the donkey has graphically represented the Democratic party while the elephant has symbolized the Republicans. In a bold move, the RNC and DNC recently announced that they will be switching their iconic beastiality. The annoncement was made at a recent joint news conference.

Vermont Governor Howard Dean, chairman of the DNC stated “In recent years the Democrats have been all about big government and the Republicans have been asses. It just seemed appropriate that we reassign the ass to the Republicans and the elephant to symbolize the Democrats.”

The very elephantic Dennis Hastert

Mike Duncan, chairman of the RNC added “What really clinched it was the addition of Joe “Big Speech” Biden to the Democratic ticket, and of course, the selection of Sarah “Scripted Speech” Palin as John McCain’s running mate. If that wasn’t a classically assinine move by a long-time Republican ass I don’t know what was. It just works on so many levels.”

Not everyone is as enthused about the switch as Duncan and Dean (D&D).

“I don’t see the need for the change. I rather relate to the elephant.” remarked the very elephantic former Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert. “And I’ll have the Colossal Thickburger, large fries and chocolate shake. What do you mean ‘there’s no lunch at this interview’?”

From the other side, Democratic Senator John Kerry was quoted as saying “I actually did vote for it, before I voted against it”. While it’s not certain what he meant by that, we at the Discord believe that Senator Kerry thought that the ass was an appropriate symbol for himself.

Bush, Fascism, and the Other ‘N’ Word

Mick Zano

It’s time to put an end to the unfounded accusations that our government is moving toward fascism.  Most people probably don’t even know the real definition. Fascism involves an unhealthy enmeshment between corporations and government.  For instances, Bush’s entrepreneurial buddies throwing Enron-like parties at the taxpayer’s expense and leaders waging wars while sitting on the boards of profiting companies…unrelated stuff like that.

Let’s go back in history.  When Adolf Hitler was 19, he traveled to Vienna to enroll in a prestigious art school, but he was denied admission.  This is reason enough to accept anyone to any art school regardless of talent, money, or tendency to sculpt headless puppies.  I only mention this because, well, how would history have changed if Hitler had been admitted into that art school?  We might have avoided so much senseless tragedy—like his frivolous avant-garde stencil period, which many found to be ‘tripe,’ and ‘ghastly.’  In contrast, Bush never went to art school, but he did snort coke with a guy named Art at school.   Apparently, Julio was in rehab.

During Hitler’s rise to power, he began quelling any and all dissent by declaring people who opposed his views as “enemies of the state,” probably starting with his art critics.  FOX News’ Sean Hannity (White House propagandist extraordinaire) has also referred to his political foes as “enemies of the state” during his hit show Hannity’s America.  He was forced to change the title to “enemies of the week” upon receiving a memo from the Vice President with only the words, “Subtlety, dumbkopf!” Hannity’s show is must-see TV.  No really.  You have to watch it…now.

Meanwhile, back in Germany, Hitler hijacked the judiciary, the radio, and the press in short order.   But, the Bush Administration only revamped the Justice Department to include ‘more agreeable sorts,’ ignored the legislative branch with signing statements, and only really owns FOX News, AM radio, and parts of Katie Couric.  So there is still plenty of opposition from cable news, several Jewish comedians, and certain disreputable e-zines like the Daily Discord.

We really need to do something about those Jewish comedians.

In Mein Kampf—which I believe can be roughly translated by non-German speaking comedic journalists as ‘my puppy’—Hitler was actually quoted as saying, “The receptivity of the great masses is very limited, their intelligence is small, but their power of forgetting is enormous.”  This is precisely why I voted for Al Edwards in 2003…if only he hadn’t been waterboarded by those fraudulent Korean Vet bastards!

“In consequence of these facts,” Hitler continues, “all effective propaganda must be limited to a very few points and must harp on these in slogans until the last member of the public understands what you want him to understand by your slogan.” The Bush administration’s behaviors bear little resemblance to such crass tactics.  Reminding people constantly that we are ‘fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here,’ and, ‘read my lips, she was over 18 officer,’ is just sound politics.

Hitler goes on to say: “And only after the simplest ideas are repeated thousands of times will the masses finally remember them.” Even Hitler could not have foreseen just how much repetition it would take for things to sink into the skull and bones of one George W. Bush.  But did Hitler foresee such future events?  It might explain his ‘No Fuhrer Left Behind’ program, passed in 1932.  I’m sure it is just a coincidence that over 60% of the US still believes Iraq was responsible for 9-11 and that a clear link exists between Iraq and Al-Qaeda.  As it turns out, if you topple Iraq’s government, Al-Qaeda flows in over the border.  See the connection?  And they called Bush mad…

In 1933 it is suspected that Hitler arranged the bombing of the Reichstag, which was apparently some German embassy, or possibly a jelly donut.  Ich bin ein Reichstagger!  The would-be Fuhrer dubbed this fiery incident as an act of terrorism, and immediately started playing Scherenschnitte with the German constitution (Today’s bonus word, kids, is Scherenschnitte: a cool paper-art craft thingie).  After the incident, Hitler indefinitely suspended Habeas Corpus, which he felt was a “silly word anyway,” and believed it should “not only be suspended, but should not be allowed back on school property” (rough translation).

Bush did nothing of the sort after 9-11.  Well, he did do all of that, but only to keep us safe (on the bright side, look at the cool snowflakes he made from the Bill of Rights).  There are many who feel 9-11 was an inside job, but Bush couldn’t orchestrate a Comedy Central roast of Paul Wolfowitz, let alone pull off anything this big.  So give it a rest.  What was his plan?  Hey, I’ll pretend to be reading a book to children while the towers fall, heh, heh, heh.  Let’s face it, reading is just not a plausible alibi for incurious George.

After the Reichstag bombing, Hitler circled the wagons, became incredibly secretive, and started a new department called Homeland Security.  Although, I admit this seems vaguely reminiscent of recent events in America, just look at the German version: Vaterland Sicherheit.  See?  Granted it means Homeland Security, but in Bush’s defense, the German version bears little resemblance.

With that pesky Habeas Corpus out of the way, Hitler created some secret prisons and expanded the Secret Police’s standard interrogation techniques, Versch ärfte Vernehmung, to include stress positions, sleep deprivation, and waterboarding. Oh, wait, they didn’t officially include waterboarding, as that would clearly be torture and they could get themselves into a real international pressure-cooker if they admitted to that.   The Gestapo really dodged an electrode to the nad on that one.

Another key component to the Nazi’s success was the religious right.  Hitler used religious leaders to spread his peace, love, and fascism throughout Deutschland.  The entire Discord research division could not draw a single parallel to what’s happening today.  That could never happen here!  Unless we started some type of Club with, say, 700 of our closest friends.  What should we call this club? Hmmm.

Hitler, as you recall, was a big fan of Nietzsche, and Bush’s favorite philosopher is, of course, Jesus.  Nietzsche believed God is dead, Jesus equals God, and therefore Bush is God, right?  This is called the Sowhatic Method.  I’m being told to end this now…They are insisting.  One more voice silenced in Hannity’s America.  Sadly, most of the stuff in this article is accurate, except the part about the girl being 18 years of age, that schweinhund!

Barack Obama: You Mean I’m Going to Stay this Color?

Not since Bobby Kennedy’s tragic drive to the White House in 1968, when he ran out of gas on I-95, has so much excitement surrounded a candidate as presidential hopeful Barak OBama.  To find an explanation for the O’bama phenomena, I traveled to the heartland of this great country.

After speaking to Harvard University professor, Dr. Chowder McHateshisownrace, I finally understand how ‘White America’ can finally absolve their slave guilt by electing an African-American.  This will serve as the ultimate legitimization of affirmative action.  I also discovered that any criticism of Obama’s policies, or heaven forbid, voting against him, is tantamount to racism.

I then traveled to Harlem, New York, where I spoke with people so often disappointed by their elected leaders.  For instance, Charlie Rangel, one of the most powerful congressmen for decades, has done little for his constituents.  But this time will be different, I’m told.  “If Brother Barack is elected,” said Apollo McWelfare, “he’ll solve all of our community’s problems—I can almost smell that reparations check.”  When I asked him who they’d vote for if General Colin Powell (R) ran against Obama (D), the answer was unanimous, “It just doesn’t matter.”  Excitement isn’t the only thing that’s high around here.

Hollywood, the land of dreams and fantasy, where high-profile writers, producers, and directors teach Americans how to better themselves.  Celebrity image consultant, Flakey McShallow, needn’t know any details of Obama’s policies or positions.  She was enamored simply by Barack’s camera presence, his well-dressed appearance, and how popular he was amongst Hollywood A-listers.  Oh, and he was clean and articulate.

“I keep hearing the word “change” and in this business darling, one must be on top of next season’s fashion and style.”

As I was leaving for this assignment I picked up a USA Today at the bus station.  A colored pie chart showed that America is heavily in debt.  The federal government is bloated and inefficient while pork projects and waste run rampant.  Obama’s plan (though I was told to keep this on the DL) is to keep all of the subsidized programs in place and to actually increase the size of the government because they know how best to manage our money.”

This whole Global War on Terrorism has many Muslim people indignant.  For eight years they have been subjected to suspicion, humiliation, and disrespect.   Never mind the fact that Al Qaeda hates our way of life and has killed 3000 people on September 11.  Never mind that they want to eliminate our freedoms and live under repressive, misogynist, religious 1500 year-old laws.  When those prisoners had their Abu Ghraib photo shoot, well, I can understand why they’d take out their revenge on a female aid worker by cutting off her head.  She shouldn’t have interfered in their cultural order and challenged their male egos…what did she expect?   Barack wants to change how we handle foreign policy and says he’ll talk to our enemies. Obama’s No Decapitated Head Left Behind program is bound to save countless lives.  He’ll restore the political correctness that has been so lacking in this theological “misunderstanding.”  The last thing we want to do is hurt their feelings by committing more social or verbal faux pas.  Once they realize Barack will change America’s attitude towards them and let them live how they want, they will lay down their arms and only decapitate people on weekends.

Many are under the misconception that Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim.  This can be no farther from the truth. For TWENTY years he attended the church of Rev Jeremiah Wright.  He was married by Rev Wright and his children were baptized by him.  Fiesty Mcblackradical knows Obama from church.  “I remember brother Barack…there was this one time when Rev Wright was reminding us that the White man brought AIDs to America’s inner cities to kill off all the brothers and sisters.  Barack testified, “We need CHANGE. Halleluiah!”   Ronald Reagan had Billy Graham and Bill Clinton had Jesse Jackson…Barack Obama will have no Muslim cleric—the Christian Rev. Jeremiah Wright will serve as his spiritual advisor and councilor when that 3AM phone call rings.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that Barack Obama is running against a white man, race becomes an issue, but Barack Obama is actually white!  His mother is white, he was reared by his white grandparents, he went to Harvard Law School and he vacations in Hawaii!  He’s a millionaire and has Bruce Springsteen on his IPOD.  He’s whiter than I am! So for all those white independents and moderate republicans out there, feel better about Barack.  He’s one of you.

Speaking to political insiders in Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco, I’ve found “unity” in the air.  Pat McLezdyke claims that Obama will bring Republicans and Democrats together. During his long 15-month tenure as senator, Barack had the most liberal voting record of any member of that house.  What better way to bridge the ideological gap than to impose policy from the most extreme pole of the political spectrum?  “After eight years of leadership from the other extreme pole and seeing how it fractured the country, we need someone to bring us together.”  I reminded Pat that George Bush ran on that slogan in 2000. He was “A uniter not a divider” and we were all fooled.  I asked what makes Barack Obama’s message more believable?  I never got an answer as she began accusing me of racism.

Joe Biden’s pick as Barack Obama’s running mate is a great choice!  He enjoys 36 years experience as a Washington insider and is a major government power player.  He’s experienced in foreign policy, economics, knows how the city works, and gets things done.   Not that Obama needs any help, but look what Dick Cheney did for George Bush.  He compensated for all the weaknesses and shortcomings of W. He helped him win in 2000 and guided him throughout his 8-year term.  A man who’s been in the Senate since 1972 is the personification of CHANGE.

If Barack Obama is elected, he plans to bring our troops home from Iraq immediately!  We can finally wash our hands of that problem and let the Iranians or Syrians take care of it.  While attending the funeral of a fallen soldier, I approached a vocal group of “Free Speechers.”  Hippy McSheehan shouted, “Obama didn’t start the war so why should he fix it? Those 4000+ American servicemen and women who died trying to make things “right” in Iraq did so as volunteers.  They should have gone to college instead.”  By pulling out of Iraq unconditionally we’d regain our global popularity.  Countries like China, Russia, North Korea and Iran will take us seriously if we’re more sensitive to their point of view.

So there you have it, a cross-section of middle Americans and a bevy of solid reasons why we should all vote for America’s would-be-savior, Barack Obama.  Next month, Nutsy McNeocon will provide an equally compelling argument to vote for that other old crotchety old bastard, John McCrabby or something.

A Recent Email Exchange Between Barak Obama and the Discord’s Own, Mick Zano

Mick —

This night could not have happened 40 years ago — or even 4 years ago.

And it could not have happened without you.

You believed, against the odds, that change was possible. I felt your passion here tonight, and I know it was shared by millions of Americans who are building this movement all across the country.

Tonight is your night. But tonight is just the beginning.

I need your support more than ever.

Barak Obama

Dear Barak,

I don’t think we should see each other any more. It was fun and all, and, let’s face it, Biden was a much better pick than what’s-her-name. But here’s the thing: you’ve been plugging up my email and impeding my ability to get to LesbianGladiators.com. I need lesbians Barak, and I am not as interested in their rights to visit each other in hospitals as I am their ability to fight each other in the field of battle with only their glistening god-given armor and a broad sword (pardon the pun).

Mick Zano

Study Finds Obese Children at Greater Risk for Fat Jokes

A recent non-experimental study conducted at Washington Middle School suggests a rotund correlation between heavier children and lipid-related peer-scrutiny (LRPS).  Actually, it was more of a survey, really…OK, we stopped some fat kid in the hall, but we really feel there is something to this.

The Once and Future Nepotist

Mick Zano

Is our current democracy contaminated by nepotism?  While history is fraught with examples, historians consistently damn this dubious practice. When kings appoint their dimwitted sons instead of their most able men to lead them, the empire invariably quakes and crumbles like a fruit cobbler in a centrifuge.

If you don’t believe in the cyclic patterns of history, then try this on for size.  Anyone remember Marcus Aurelius, arguably one of the greatest emperors in Roman history?  He chose his moronic son, Commodus, as his successor and, well, I think they eventually named the commode after him.  (I’m guessing his first name was probably Loo or John, or maybe Crapper John A.D., but I digress…)

Never heard of Marcus Aurelius?  How about Julius Nepos?  You know… the inspiration behind the word “nepotism.” He ascended to the throne in 474 AD, and he was only crowned because he was the nephew of another emperor—and could belch the entire alphabet in Roman numerals (backwards). As one of his first fateful decisions, he chose Orestes to command the Roman Army.  Apparently a big Musharrif fan, Orestes soon ran Nepos out of town during a coup.  In 475 AD, Orestes placed his own 14-year-old son, Romulus Augustus, on the throne.  A few years later, in the immortal words of Porkelus Pigelus, “Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

See any parallels today?  George Herbert Walker Bush, a self-made commander-in-chief like Orestes, wins the Gulf War and eventually banishes Julius Clinton from the White House by placing his own son, Incurious George (emotionally only 14 years old) on the throne. And once again, “Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

Even more compelling is this: Both Commodus and Augustus were born-again Pagans who successfully dodged the Hunnic wars by joining the Palace Guard Reserves.  OK, I made that part up.  But regarding the Rome’s last imperial rulers, Wikipedia notes that they “had a much more tenuous connection to the land and its traditional cultures than the Republic’s peasant farmers had had. These rich men enjoyed the wealth that poured in from Rome’s conquered provinces…”

Is this ringing any bells yet? Certainly not the Liberty Bell.  Fast-forward a few centuries, and now we’d have better luck fixing Humpty Dumpty with a barbwire egg beater than salvaging the rule of law.  The Bill of Rights and the systems of checks and balances that once sustained our precious liberties have been hijacked — not by Bush Jr., but by the head of another Senate Dick…or dickhead, if you will.

Do rotating family monarchies really work in a republic?  I mean, it’s worked sooo well lately.  I’m talking to you John Quincy Adams.  Is nepotism leading us to a hereditable monarchy? Or, is it leading us to even bigger words than hereditable…perhaps hereditarianistic? Now, back to our dynasties for a moment: Was FDR power hungry, or simply unskilled at counting?  Thankfully, his Full-Term-for-Each-Initial-Plus-One-for-Good-Luck amendment was eventually overturned, much to the chagrin of George HWB.  Post-FDR, an amendment was passed to limit a person’s stay in the big house to two four-year terms.  This was done to keep our executive branch from becoming despotic and long-named.  After witnessing the Clinton and Bush dynasties, do we need to revisit the FDR amendment? Just think how many years the Clintons could remain in office if they were to pass their own multi-initial amendment!  WJC + HRC = …well, you do the math, JFK!  What if Hillary in 2012 passes the Equal-Initial amendment and her middle initial becomes fair game?

Our Electoral College system simply does not work the way our forefathers intended on ethanol.  A dysfunctional two-party system has developed, powered by political connections, family affiliations, money, and Thai hookers.  (Sorry, it’s the only way I could work them in this week.)  By handing down money, political connections, and affiliations, we forfeit free and fair elections.  Furthermore, this marital arrangement between the Clintons is obviously a way to circumvent our term limits.  I say “arrangement,” because I believe this is a political marriage of convenience.  And as for the Bush family…they may not share a bed, but they do share a Dick (and several other advisors).

I feel that this topic needs to be addressed now, not later, or else it’s Hillary again in 2012. We need to seriously look at nepotism in our government, as well as this trend toward dynastic monarchies. We need to pass new laws limiting such encroachments on our democracy.  This proposed legislation should be called the I-Live-in-Fear-of-Chelsea amendment.

Of course, I would be willing to forgo my campaign if Nancy Reagan would consider joining the Republican ticket. But alas, she’s already gone and just said, “No.”

Hillary Names Running Mate

Hillary named Chelsea as her Vice Presidential running mate, reinforcing the campaign theme of ‘keeping it in the family.’  Extinguishing a cigar, her husband said, “My one presidential regret—not keeping it in the family.”  The pressure mounts as what’s-his-name shows some promise at the Convention. “So it is imperative,” she claims, “to take the offensive.”

“Bringing Chelsea on board solidifies the ticket while making my assassination less plausible.”  It’s expected that Chelsea’s youth will ‘seize the change’ Carpe diem, a theme inexplicably ducked by all of the rivals. Add the youth vote and the historical significance of the first all female ticket, and you’ve got yourself a team of instant acclaim.

The Clintons, who ran a very successful, although admittedly aggressive campaign, stated, “It’s time to reenergize our base to secure the Democratic nomination.  We’ll never give up our fight to bring strong family values back to this great nation.  Although unable to secure the nomination during roll call at the convention, we are confident that our ‘willingness to concede’ will catapult us back into the race.  Enough super delegates will be persuaded before the General Election.” Talk about a November surprise.

Due to her rave reviews in Denver, Hillary believes she can capitalize on the momentum.  She stated “My charismatic speech at Borat’s convention proves that I am presidential and ready to lead.”

Senator Obama, upon hearing of the announcement, had no comment, just a bewildered look.

Senator McCain stated “I am not sure how many daughters Hillary has; I will have to check with my aids.”  But within hours he ran an ad questioning her radical voting record at Stanford regarding cafeteria food, the use of microwaves in dormitories, and her ‘liberal’ arts degree.  When asked about her readiness to lead, McCain added, “Remember, she is one heart beat away from…what were we talking about?”

Undaunted by the attacks, Hillary retorted “the old bastard is playing right into my hands.”