Nowhere, AZ—Mick Zano is in police custody tonight after the grisly discovery of several body parts at his residence. Mr. Zano has “no idea” how the human remains came to inhabit his freezer, and his only alibi, a “masseuse” on Spring Mountain Road in Vegas, doesn’t speak Engrish, but did tell police, “Bad man. Bad tipper.”
Despite maintaining his innocence, Zano remains a person of interest in the case, and may be connected to several other missing women across the southwest.
His boss and CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow disagrees with authorities, “He’s really not that interesting.”
When asked if he thought Zano might be a serial murderer/cannibal Winslow, said, “Sure, but he’s still not that interesting.”
Police questioned Mr. Zano at his current job as a Walmart greeter after he was found running up and down aisle four accosting various customers with a bottle of A1 Sauce.
A customer claims Zano asked her, “Did you find everything OK?” then added, “Could I marinate your arm overnight?”
Zano is maintaining his innocence despite a damning eyewitness description (bottom right), which is building a strong case for the prosecution.
Both of his friends and fans are sticking by Mr. Zano, but “Not too closely. He tends to bite,” said Sarah Angelfire, a fellow Discord contributor.
Zano weakened his own defense earlier today with this statement, “If you’re not going to do anything with it, can I keep the meat? Please, can I get one of those Hannibal Lecter hockey mask thingies?”