Indianapolis, IN—E*Trader and yuppie wannabe, Dave Blotchenski, lost most of his retirement money this week after investing in the ill fated Facebook wave.

“I just thought, hell, I’m on Facebook all the flippin’ time, so is everyone else,” said Blotchenski. “Besides, Facebook promised to create thousands of new millionaires, and guess who was the first of my friends to like? Isn’t that worth something anymore? Now every time I see that little E*Trade baby I want to kick him in his pre-toddler face.”

Upon news of the massive dip in the company’s stock, Blotchenski tweeted, “Help! I lost it Al! I have officially bought the FarmVille!”

He meant to type, “I lost it all” but later blamed the typo on a combination of insomnia and household inhalants.

His pleas did not fall on deaf ears as several Facebookers came to the rescue by leaving important comments like, “Did you see the Ranger/Devils game last night?” and “You lost it Al? Who’s Al? LOL” and “You said you’d help me acquire a FarmVille tractor, bitch?!” Four others inexplicably liked his comment.

Mr. Blotchenski admitted after stocks fell to 38 dollars a share, he considered virtual suicide. “I just wanted to unplug everything, all of it, and maybe go outside.”

To the horror of his family, who were completely engrossed in X-Box 360 at the time, Mr. Blotchenski was last seen heading to a park with a baseball bat and a mitt. Having no idea where the neighborhood park is exactly, his family has been asking if any members of his social sites have seen him.

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

“Umm, we get enough of that,” said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. “We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly).”

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, “The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover.”

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, “Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!” He then shouted, “To infidelity and beyond!” but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, “Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font.”

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, “She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta.”

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. “I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’”

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. “Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle,” said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, “Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?” Gingrich replied, “Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big.”

Tombstone, AZ—The Black Panthers recently put a bounty on the head of rock star and activist Ted Nugent for his recent incendiary remarks against President Barack Obama. The Panthers do not feel the Secret Service’s recent visit to The Motor City Madman will suffice.

Black Panther national spokesman, Chawn Kweli, told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, “In recent weeks, we put out a bounty on the heads of George Zimmerman, Harold Steinman and now Ted Nugent for crimes against humanity.”

When McGrath asked about Steinman, Kweli replied, “That cock sucker cut me off at the mall and took the last parking spot. I ran his plates and that mother f-er is going down!”

Ted Nugent suggested the Black Panthers meet him at the historic OK Corral in Tombstone Arizona to settle their differences. On Saturday May 12^th, at high noon, Ted Nugent plans to square off with the three key members of The Black Panthers for what was once known as ‘the quick draw’. The Historical Society and City Council of Tombstone Arizona have approved the use of real bullets during this gunfight extravaganza, which locals think should “significantly boost tourism.”

The Mayor of Tombstone, Kirby Jenkins, said, “We’re kind of hoping they just blow the shit out of each other. I know there’s some sympathy for Ted’s position around these parts, but at the end of the day the world will be a better place when Boot Hill has a few more permanent residents.”

Gabby Johnson of nearby Rock Ridge added, “frRRrravish!”

Arlington, VA—The new garbage container designs have all but ended many years of wastepaper basketball. Will this sport follow the fate of kick the can, or spin the can, or ring around the spinning can? At its peak, the popular sport was played in one form or another by an estimated 75-million people across the U.S. By 2010, to the chagrin of an elite group of home hoopsters, all kitchen garbage cans came with lids.

Wastebasket ball great, Barry Mellman, said, “I would shoot waste baskets to make the cleaning more fun. With the new pale I tried putting a large rock on the lever to keep it open, but my wife broke her toe on the fucking thing. Besides, you never get a true bank shot off those circular contraptions.”

“I cried the day the lidless ones died,” said Hall of Fumer, Ron Fratelli. “I even own an official garbage basketball hoop. So last week I make this great shot with an overripe tomato. It, of course, ends up through the hoop but on the lid—with mucho tomato shrapnel on the wall. My wife asked if it was a mob hit. Women just don’t appreciate the wasteular arts.”

Garbage container manufacturers claim the newer models are more hygienic and significantly cut down on odor.

Oscar the Grouch added, “You mean they keep odors in, right?”