dailyDiscor

Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since.

Apology XCV: Why Zano’s Botched Trump-Tweet Coverage Is Grounds For Dismissal

pierceWinslow

Some have taken note of a pause in my periodic Apology column. I can assure you this so-called “pause” amounts only to a period of time wherein I could not bring myself to my job. It takes almost a superhuman editorial strength to acknowledge some of the rampant journalistic abuses all to common in this rag of a website. Zano is both the Head Comedy Writer as well as the Chief Editor, but his tendancy to post articles around last-call is becoming concering to say the least. His recent coverage of the first Democratic debate is the last straw. The incident is even worse than previously indicated as I will attempt to explain (operative word: attempt).

Apology XVX: I Am Going To Fix This Or My Pseudonym Isn’t Pierce Winslow

pierceWinslowRecently The Discord has fallen below its usual high level of journalistic excellence. As CEO I have identified the problem as the general weed availability in the Flagstaff area. Too much or too little has yet to be determined. In our recent Putin Syria coverage, we implied the Russian fighter was the adversary from Rocky II when actually he was from Rocky IV. On a similar note, I don’t know what XVX even means numerically. We have had so many apologies over the years I can no long count that high in roman numerals. I believe Rocky XVX fought Cthulhu, right? I would fire Zano, but in the past this has only proven to further Miltonize him. On a related note, I want my stapler back.

In retrospect, I should have sent Alex Bone to the Vikings Lives Matter rally instead of Cokie McGrath…

A Couple of Quick Points

Pierce Winslow

I hate to get sucked into these debate things between Zano and McDooris, but there are a couple of things that need to be said.

First:

Pseudo-quote the Constitution: “The constitutionality of any given issue is to be determined by the Supreme Court of the US.” Given that, and that said Supreme Court ruled that the Healthcare Mandate is constitutional, it is constitutional. Debate over. If you expect the hospitals to fix your sorry ass after an accident, regardless of your ability to pay (your right to Life), you have an obligation to help fund that. Just because your rights include being so irresponsible as to not cover your own ass (your right to Liberty), that doesn’t not give you the right to have me to pay for saving said ass, like it or not. The mandate ensures my right to have reasonable healthcare costs despite your irresponsibility (my right to Happiness).

Second:

ISIS is about as Muslim as the KKK is Christian. The argument has been made that since the Koran contains talk of Jihad, and all Muslims must believe in the Koran, that any Muslim not blowing up a mall is not really a Muslim. Lettuce examine the Bible. Here is a list of offenses from the Bible that carry the death penalty:

Murder
Adultery
Bestiality
Rape
Sodomy
Picking up sticks on the Sabbath
A betrothed woman who does not cry out while being raped
A woman who is found not to have been a virgin on the night of her wedding
Worshiping other gods
Witchcraft
Taking the Lord’s name in vain or cursing his name
Cursing a parent
Kidnapping

Of course, in typical Republican fashion you can buy your way out of any of those except pre-meditated murder, but I digress… So, anyone not whipping out the stoning squad for saying “God Damn it!” or building a campfire on Saturday isn’t really a Christian. Then I guess we should have a lot of vacant fancy buildings around town, huh? Islam has evolved as has Christianity. Yes, there are those that live still live in the Bronze Age on both sides. There are also those that site those ancient, now anecdotal excerpts as rallying cries to incite radicalism, but they are the vast minority. To suggest that we as a nation need to launch a military campaign through the Middle East based upon that is medieval thinking; very crusade-like you might say (and historically a disaster). I prefer the age of enlightenment myself. Except for that part where if my brother croaks then I have to bang his wife (another death penalty thing). That rocks.

So, Zano and McDooris, I have resolved your arguments. Enough already. Can we get on with the discussions of midget porn and squirrel water skiing? Jesus Christ…oh, Mohammed…Apollo?

Duck Dynasty’s Downfall: It’s Mallard Time

Pierce X. Winslow

So Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, really stepped in it this time. In case you’ve been living in a swamp somewhere, the star of the world’s most popular reality TV show made a number of inflammatory remarks about gays and homosexuality. No, not the guy from Swamp People. That one’s different.

Such remarks usually ignite a national debate, though this one was more of a political food fight. First of all, why does this surprise anyone? Look at who you’re dealing with: lily white boys from the deep-south swamps of Louisiana, aka the poster-children for intolerance and bigotry. You know, real Americans, good Christian bible-beaters all. I’d be shocked and alarmed if they didn’t feel that way. This is like being surprised when W invades the wrong country or Bloomberg knocks a Big Gulp out of someone’s hand. It’s to be expected.

Why does anyone care what this guy says anyway? We shouldn’t give Phil Robertson any more credence than we give Pat Robertson. And at least Pat doesn’t look like ZZ Top gone Sasquatch. Just because they make a Chia Pet in someone’s likeness doesn’t mean we should take them seriously. Doing so just makes them feel important.

Lest we forget their rural and geographic handicap. Until this TV thing came along Jed and the rest of the Clampetts made their fortune making little devices to lure innocent ducks to their demise. And in order to pull off this major feat, they have high-tech camouflage and weaponry to blast these creatures out of the sky. Wow, blasting Donald and Daffy to oblivion; I’m impressed. How about you go toe-to-toe with an Orangutan, hand-to-hand? Granted you have the height and weight advantage but that’s set off by the Orangutan’s higher intelligence. I’d pay money to see that ape rip your arm out of its socket and beat you over the head with it.

And that leads me into the next question: how do the antics of these morons warrant a TV show? A&E no less. Really? This drivel constitutes Arts & Entertainment? Wouldn’t this be more appropriate for Animal Planet, the Military Channel, or maybe Country Music Television? Or how about Fox News? There’s a channel already filled with shit you can’t believe. What’s worse is this circus is one of the highest rated TV shows on the planet…Animal Planet. And people say our society isn’t falling apart. Oh, wait, they do say that. But if society is falling apart, these prejudiced moralists aren’t helping.

So, for Robertson’s efforts, the so called patriarch of this brood has been suspended from their show. On that note I have to say that I fully support his right to say his piece. That’s the very cornerstone of American democracy. As such, I am also allowed to say:

“F-off, you donkey raping shit eater,” or “blow me you testicle-shitting rectal wart”.

In fact, I can use any other South Park quote I see fit to plagiarize. This should not be an issue, just as with the 100 times it has happened in the last couple of years. As everyone is so adamant about pointing out, we do have the right to say what we want, except for the profanity and the decency censorship on broadcast television…

SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happily, this is the internet.

I can do what I waunt, biotch.

The real backlash came when A&E suspended Robertson from the show. Everyone is in an uproar. The right crying “fowl”…sorry…for suspending him; the left crying “foul” because they didn’t cancel the show outright. Look, A&E is funding his show. The reason he was in that interview in the first place was because of that program. A&E has the right to do whatever they want with their show. Robertson may have the right to say whatever he wants, but he also has to be prepared to accept the consequences of doing so.

Will it be a full Paula Deen, or a mere Alec Baldwin? In the end, the final outcome will not be driven by political correctness, or free speech, or a moral basis of any kind. What it all comes down to is money. Which demographic does Arts & Entertainment value most, the mass of yokels that watch that one show, or the entire LGBTQ community who happen to watch the rest of their schedule?

Addendum: Just this morning A&E announced that the homophobe was reinstated and that the shooting (pun intended) will resume in the spring. Chalk one up for the real Americans, and one down for the betterment of society.