Alex Bone

Alex Bone

Alex Bone (Michael D. Griffiths) is a man who likes to keep busy, too bad it mostly involves cleaning squirrels. In the past, his writing has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies sometimes even published by someone else. He was awarded first place in Withersin’s 666 contest, which he was told will later give him the Golden Ticket tour of the third plane of Hell. He is on the staff of The Daily Discord, Cyberwizard Productions, SFReader, and on the Board of Directors for the Society of Advanced Humans that Seek to Live as Viking Ninjas. His series The Chronicles of Jack Primus is available through Living Dead Press. After being bitten by a zombie, his attentions have turned toward the walking dead and he has begun a new Zombie Apocalypse series called the Eternal Aftermath. When he discovered that he was a cloned from Eric the Red’s DNA, he wrote the Science Fiction series Skinjumpers. Later while experimenting with strange fungus, he slipped into a Fantasy world ruled by the mad mage Dalsala Den.

Fox News Alert: Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.

Alex Bone

In the chaos of world events and our declining economy, America has clearly entered uncertain times. We are all juggling multiple jobs, multiple credit cards, and multiple hookers (sorry Tiger).  And, as times get tighter and America decays under the weight of its own gluttony and greed, it is often harder to remember our moral priorities. This is where Fox News presents: The Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.

With the liberals telling us that love is always okay on one hand, and the GLBT movement demanding fair treatment on the other, a decent god-fearing Christian can often lose their way within the fog of human rights advocation. After all, we all know that Jesus believed we should love all mankind, unless, of course, they are different from us (Malkinicus 3:11).

I could not hope to replicate all the profound wisdom this educational program inspired, but I will do my best to give justice to their highlights:

1. Homosexuality isn’t natural.

Sure, a few hundred animal species are known to engage in homosexual behavior, but I have still never seen hot male-on-male koala action. After all, life can not be created without a male and female component (aside from all asexual creatures and that one Schwarzenegger movie). One can look at our Christian male God for instance. Yes, he created life without a female, and we all know he is obviously male. So a male can create life without a female, but he didn’t need another male, until he created his male companions. Sure he could have created female companions first, but God liked hanging out with dudes. Yeah, it was a big sausage fest up in heaven, that’s for sure, but he didn’t need their help to create more males and then a few more males. You follow?

Review time: God is male; he liked hanging out with other males; he only created males at first, and he didn’t need a woman to create more and more males.

2. Homosexuality destroys the family unit.

Families should have two parents; we all know this. And just because the parents love each other and their children, doesn’t make things right. Children need to be raised by parents of each gender, unless, of course, one parent has died, or the couple has become divorced, or the children have been taken away from abusive parents. So besides the above (which constitutes about two thirds of American families), we would not want to compromise our children with other types of loving parents.

3. Homosexuality is a cult that recruits our children.

We all know that no one would want to be a homosexual voluntarily, therefore our young must somehow be brainwashed by older homosexuals who wish to take advantage of their young fit bodies (code name: NAMBLA). Of course most children know they are different long before they are ever contacted by other homosexuals, but if we could just conceal the fact that homosexuality even exists, then these children might not know why they are different and would just remain uncertain, confused, alienated, and at higher risk of substance abuse and suicide for the rest of their lives.  You know, the way God intended. Saying that our youth can only become homosexual through converting them by others also brings up the point that there must be some first homosexual somewhere, perhaps one of those male angels getting bored in Heaven so long ago.

4. Homosexuality sets a bad example.

This is undeniable, aside from the deniable parts. In this modern world of pollution, war, lack of resources, and overpopulation, we all know that the job of a good Christian is to have as many babies as possible so we can continue the wars that help us steal resources from the infidels. More homosexuals mean less children for our holy wars. Also, this would end up using less resources and that is just plain Un-American.

5. Homosexuality is decadent and wrong.

For many people this is the strongest argument. First off Lesbians spoil women. All women will soon be expecting to have an organism each time they have sex and that is a lot of extra work for most of Fox’s uninventive viewers. As far as gay men go, well that is just gross, am I right? And there are more of them than lesbians too. Some experts believe that 5% of all males are homosexual! Now, we all know that it is okay for 50% of the world’s population to have sex with men, but it is certainly not okay for 52.5% of the world’s population to be doing so.

It is our hope that we here at Fox have finally laid this matter to rest so we can move forward with our lives free of the fear associated with having our fellow alternative-lifestyles Americans (FALA) taking the Land of the Free to mean that they are free to do what they like with other consenting adults.

Trend Rending

Alex Bone

Has this ever happened to you? You are trying to get in touch with a friend, which, these days, doesn’t involve a phone call or a letter. Maybe you are going to go old school and send an email, instead of a text.

“Hey man, we are heading out to 151 for a few nights—the usual place. We will be BBQin, playing horseshoes, the whole bit. Do you think you can make it?”

They reply, “cool.”

As Chuck Noise recently pointed out, our communication window is quickly shrinking. We all know this, but that is not what I am here to discuss. What I am wondering is how far will the spill off from this cultural shift towards brevity go? In particular, how might it affect music in its various forms?

But in most respects it was merely a mobile stereo, other than the fact that I was now isolating myself from the rest of the world.  But, then again, it did help “the voices.”

In recent times, our options have increased. Music videos in some respects mixed our stereos with live performances. Now online services, such as U-tube, put a myriad of options at our fingertips 24/7, and as Tony Ballz is so happy to point out, it’s free! Still, this begs the question as to how, or if, this current trend of ADD-driven sound bites will effect music. How many times has someone posted a music video link in your email or Facebook page? Do you look at it, and if you do, do you bother to watch the whole thing?

“Come on man, that video was almost three minutes long, I don’t have time for that.”

Thanks to the punk movement, the eighties saw the invention of the incredibly shrinking song. Where the rock dinosaurs thought bigger was better, punkers could get a whole song belted out before Keith Moon could dig his drumsticks out of the woofer. In 1983 Poison Idea put out the album, Pick Your King. It has thirteen songs and is less than sixteen minutes long. Now, it seems the current trend in punk is for longer dirge songs, but we’ll see how long that lasts. Will some of the newer modern bands, which have members that grew up on text messages and My Space, create a new style of mini-music? Five years from now, will we be hearing mega short sound bite songs?  Just like the little twenty second diddies that I can check out on my cell phone or blast from my Face Book page and then quickly move  In an age where no one has the attention span to even bother to call a friend, when text messages will do, will music also tread down this Twittered path?  On a related example, this post was originally the length of War and Peace, until Winslow got a hold of it. 

I could be way off on this, but if you are listening to your middle school daughter hum some half minute tune, a few years from now, remember you heard it hear first.

  • Problems on the double,
  • Try to burst my bubble
  • Chaos all around
  • Feet never touch the ground
  • (4 second guitar solo)
  • I don’t know why
  • Fingers to the sky
  • I might as well try
  • Before I flippin die.

“Sorry Mr. Bone, but that song is a little longer than what we are looking for. If you can trim it down to half that size, maybe we could work out a deal.”