Alex Bone

Alex Bone

Alex Bone (Michael D. Griffiths) is a man who likes to keep busy, too bad it mostly involves cleaning squirrels. In the past, his writing has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies sometimes even published by someone else. He was awarded first place in Withersin’s 666 contest, which he was told will later give him the Golden Ticket tour of the third plane of Hell. He is on the staff of The Daily Discord, Cyberwizard Productions, SFReader, and on the Board of Directors for the Society of Advanced Humans that Seek to Live as Viking Ninjas. His series The Chronicles of Jack Primus is available through Living Dead Press. After being bitten by a zombie, his attentions have turned toward the walking dead and he has begun a new Zombie Apocalypse series called the Eternal Aftermath. When he discovered that he was a cloned from Eric the Red’s DNA, he wrote the Science Fiction series Skinjumpers. Later while experimenting with strange fungus, he slipped into a Fantasy world ruled by the mad mage Dalsala Den.

Arizona Adds Social Site Addiction to Statewide Recovery Programs

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—All across Arizona the need for traditional 28 day Recovery Programs has never been greater.  In most states an individual must be addicted to certain types of drugs to qualify for treatment. Things like alcohol, crystal meth, pain pills, and cocaine addictions will get you in, but other substances like tobacco and caffeine will not. Some other problematic addictions, like gambling and sex addiction, will not get you help either. This has unfortunately kept people like Mick Zano on the streets.

Arizona, in an unprecedented move, has added addictions to social sites as a reason for qualifying for its 28 day programs.

Arizona Governor, Janet Brewer, is quoted as saying, “Social Sites such as Twitter, Face Book, and My Space have become the drug of choice for our next generation. This drug is far more dangerous than Cocaine ever was. A person hooked on traditional drugs can eventually run out of money. Or, at least they eventually die and stop burdening society. However, until the plug is pulled on this web menace, people will continue to become obese zombies, consuming more potato chips than at a Woodstock potato chip stand.”

An area man, in no way affiliated with The Onion, had this to say, “Drug users at least attempt to hide their problems, but now you can’t walk ten feet without seeing kids texting. What are they even talking about? I tried to talk to my son but he’s as boring as a pile of socks. The pale freak hasn’t gone outside for over six months. The most interesting thing that happened to him this year involves our house cat and his computer chair.  Poor thing.”

The youth entering these new 28 day programs are stripped of all technological devices. Laptops and cell phones are forbidden. Within hours, the victims of this foul addiction complain of headaches, isolationism, and strange compulsions to scribble notes and hand them to other people.

Erika Devins has been working with substance abusers for over ten beers. “It used to be that we’d have to search for small packets of meth, and the like, after lights out. Now, we have to keep our eyes peeled for the glow of cell phones hidden under blankets or clients begging to check their Face Book on a stranger’s lap top during outings. Last weekend, I had to stop a girl from offering sexual favors just for a chance to post an update on her Twitter account.”

Chuck Buster, a supervisor at the 28 program in Prescott, AZ said, “In recent years, most of our data collection has been transferred to computer use, but when these Social Site Junkies (SSJs) see my staff typing away, it’s like interviewing a coke addict at crack central.  They don’t even look at you.  They just stare at your computer screen as their eyes glaze over. SSJs pose other problems as well.  We thought alcohol was bad, but cell phones and laptops are everywhere. These poor victims are exposed to their addictions anytime they go into public, or they walk into any business or residence!”

Erin Dakowski, the wife of a SSJ, has problems of her own.

“First my husband loses his job, because he couldn’t stop playing World of Warcraft at work. Now he won’t job hunt because of that lame-o Farmville on Face Book. I’ve already had to store my computer at my sister’s house, yet every time I set it down, Harold snatches up my Blackberry and starts planting vegetables or some shit.”

Many people wonder if there is hope for these social-site addicts. Professor Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Daycare Center, had this to say, “These problems may be just the tip of the iceberg. On a good note, some traditional drug abuse might become a thing of the past.  Who has time to wait two hours on a street corner to score some horse? Think of all the scrolling tweets you could be typing in that time.”

Sorry, folks, I got a go.  Zano gets me a pint of ale for every fifty Twitter fans I score for the Discord.”

Arizona’s Crawdad Menace and Other Disturbing Observations

Alex Bone

Caved-in-Shack, AZ—Something deeply disturbing is happening in Arizona.  No, I’m not talking about Janet Brewer, Immigration laws, or Mick Zano’s naked bar crawls….I’m talking about something reaaalllly disturbing.  Back when I was shelling out ten bucks a bag in New Orleans for mini-lobsters known as crawdads, how could I have known a few years later these same bastards would be on the verge of destroying my state’s ecosystem?

In case you are unaware, crayfish or crawdads are not native to the states west of the Rockies, like funding for education and the arts.  Over the years, scores of intrepid crawdads died trying to traverse the Rockies.  Most eventually gave up and settled in Denver to open microbreweries…very small ones, obviously, or micro-microbreweries.

In a similar manner to the republican migration, crawdads have crept into the southwest and have invaded our delicate ecosystem with their big trucks and their wild tea parties. These evil little beasts have infected the streams and lakes in every part of my home state—not to mention their racially charged immigration bills.

Similar to the red state’s pro-Christian stance, many of these crayfish were introduced through a misconception of facts. A statewide program for seventh-graders had the children studying these, nearly impossible to kill, cockroaches from hell. Then, at the end of the school year, in a truly misguided attempt at environmentalism, teachers had their students dump this destructive invasive species into every stream and pond across our fair state.  This is why eco-friendly people are often only slightly more devastating to our planet than the Sarah Palin’s of the world.  Hey, maybe Sarah can shoot crawdads from her chopper?

Once in our formally tranquil waters, these demonic (yet tasty) crayfish begin to devour everything in their path, much like laws enacted by our governor’s red pen.  Soon all aquatic life is killed off.  After this eradication comes the demise of all plant life. Without plants there is nothing to recycle to carbon dioxide other than algae—not to mention, there’s nothing to smoke. This turns clear streams and lakes into murky dark pools, where the crawfish now have no choice other than to eat each other in a dark cannibalistic frenzy, not dissimilar to Zano’s naked bar crawls.

As a follower of Yig, I find the loss of frogs and other amphibians across our state the most depressing aspect of this crustacean invasion. Even the most selfish swimmer cannot be enjoying a wade into the murk with crawfish nipping at your toes, unless they’re trying to save money on a pedicure.

So what can we do to stem the tide of evil and death that is sweeping over the west? The answer is simple. All crawfish must be boiled alive and eaten, preferably with butter sauce.  Boil that crayfish, boil that crayfish. Boil! Boil!  Devour those selfish shellfish, munch on those crusty-aceans, cook those lobster mobsters, can those crabby…I’m being told to stop.

It is only fitting that we, the species responsible for started this plague, sacrifice our time to eat as many of these delicious morsels as possible. It’s a rough job, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. And, if such sacrifices involve eating endless piles of buttery white meat that tastes like lobster, then so be it.

Leave no stone unturned!  (Literally.)

So, my fellow Americans, pick up your nets, your traps, your spears, and maybe some of those concealed handguns, and let’s go crawdadding!  Book your Coconino County Crawdad Chopper Safari with Alex Bone today!

My Dreams Down the Twitter: Yet Another Daily Discord Lawsuit

Alex Bone

In these hard economic times, there is little I won’t do to try to snag a few free brewskis. (Please disregard anything Senator Larry Craig says I’ll do for a beer; it’s all lies!). Despite the Discord contributors’ bulging pockets, they have yet to send me a single royalty check. I heard Zano is taking his family to Costa Rica with his last check, and Winslow just bought his sixth house.  If you add Winslow’s houses and John McCain’s houses…never mind; McCain would have to know how many he has.  Anyway, can you guess what sort of scam these blog boobs try to rope me into?

Let me try to quote Zano verbatim, “If you can get The Daily Discord set up on Twitter and get us a bunch of followers, I’ll buy you a beer.”

Being the inventive (greedy) thinker I am, I quickly asked, “Well, if I get more followers, will I get more beer?”

I received a hesitant ‘yes’ so envisioning all of those free suds a-flowing, I immediately got to work. Now, I’m not sure how much all of the millions of people that are reading this know about Twitter, but it’s its own beast. On both My Space and Face Book, accepting a ‘friend’ is a mutual exchange. You can ask to befriend a thousand people, but you won’t get a single bite unless they agree, or you happen to look like Jessica Alba.

On Twitter, things are different. They don’t have friends, they have followers, and I think this is mostly because of their cult background. AKA, don’t drink the Kool-Aid. So in theory, it is sort of like a high school popularity contest a week before Valentine’s Day. You go around ‘following’ others on the slim hope that they might think you are cool enough to return the favor.

But I was already an expert at Twitter cuz, you now…I’d been on there for a whole six months now. At first I scoffed, because the people at the Discord were posting things with zero followers (pretty much like this article), so I stepped in and started ‘following’ hordes of others like crazy. Crazy like a fox.  Before you knew it, The Daily Discord was on the books.  We were somebody and, more importantly, I got two free beers out of Zano! (No easy trick.)  This was going great. Things were rolling. I was drinking for free, living the dream.  But, like the greedy bastard I am, this wasn’t enough. What if I could get them hundreds, maybe even thousands of followers?!  I could be drinking free all the time. I could reach some Pale Ale Nirvana.  I could attain EnBudLitenment.  I could quit my day job. I could get my cell phone turned back on.

So after ingesting those precious free beers—and a few more of my own, back home—I began to hit the streets of Twitterville.  I was knocking on more doors than a Jehovah’s Witness with a meth habit.

The numbers were flying by. I couldn’t even keep up with how many people The Daily Discord was following. We were going to be HUGE.  They like us, they really like us.  More importantly, I was going to be drunk, and soon!

I didn’t even look at how many followers I might have gained for the Discord.  I wanted to be as surprised as everyone else. I just hoped Zano had brought his credit cards because, heck, I might be getting some chicken wings too. I then proudly opened up my laptop and, much to my dismay, that damn cult had taken a big Twit on my hopes and dreams. Yes, Twitter had closed our account.  The Daily Discord Twitter account went Elvis, only 24 hrs after Operation Happy Hour went into effect. 

Maybe they thought we were porn producers or spam artists, but I’m not buying it. They saw our site and they want to suppress the truth. The truth as only we dare print. Well, we’re not going to take it.  I, for one, will not put up with this twit!  I emailed the bastards, twice, and they are ignoring me, outright.  Sorry, but that’s my wife’s job, assholes.

The Daily Discord intends to sue Twitter to the fullest extent of the law.

Next week we will be filing claims in federal district court for breach of contract, violation of free speech, violation of due process, defamation of character, defecation of account, and anything else our clever lawyers can come up with.  Hell, I might even throw in an interference with contract claim on my own behalf, because they prevented me from getting my free beer. Those bastards will be reeling when they get served with the papers. I’m guessing we’ll be asking for about $10 million, maybe more.  Oh, and now I owe Zano a beer, so you can bet that will be tacked onto the suit as well.  Bastards!

So you had better watch out Twitter. Your days are numbered. No one keeps me from getting twit-faced.

The Crotch Bomber Kid

Alex Bone

How dare Al-Qaeda! What despicable levels won’t these pricks stoop to, to take a young impressionable kid from Nigeria and send him to Detroit? The Monsters! Talk about Out of Africa… Luckily, the terrorist’s attempt at ruining the holidays turned into one of the best Christmas presents for America, ever.  They gave us the gift of comedy.  The whole event left more than a few people scratching their heads, or was it their crotches?

Who exactly is this big-eyed, close-mouthed twerp that many are now calling the Crotch Bomber Kid (CBK)? How desperate is Al-Qaeda getting when the best they can muster is to con some fruit of the loom to assail us with his dysfunctional Underoos?  Talk about “Weapons of Ass Destruction”. What are they going to send at us next year, orphans using anthrax as talcum powder, or an army of Tiny Tims with exploding crutches?  Have a holy jolly jihad.

It seems quite obvious that the CBK is more than a little slow upstairs, not to mention a little crispy downstairs. What sort of message do they expect this will convey? And you thought we looked incompetent?  How are they going to spin this one?  Well, don’t worry fellow martyrs; he’ll still get 72 Virgin Airways frequent flier miles in the afterlife. Great PR move. I can see it now: “Are you an idiot?  Are you easily impressionable?  Are you stupid enough to believe in Al-Qeada’s cause? You too can join Jerry’s Jihadists today!”

Most likely, they expected him to go up in flames with his hot pants, leaving the world ignorant as to the real CBK. But, luckily for some rough and tumble passengers, that plan is as history as the Qaeda Kid’s sex drive.

Yet another upside of this whole Great Balls Of Fire event is this: the conservatives over at Homeland Security and the anti-child porn lobbyists, two groups usually on the same side, are now at each other’s throats over the idea of airports X-raying through our clothing. But screening even children might be a good idea, since terrorists are now touring grade schools with large boxes of candy for their recruitment campaigns.

As for the Crotch Bomber Kid, the supervisors over at Guantanamo Bay are already busy at work constructing a new Special Ed wing. And, in a rare fit of insight, they are preparing to get a jump on Al-Qaeda by drawing up plans for a children’s wing, a dementia wing, and a smart primate wing (SPW). That’ll add a few more jobs to Obama’s stimulus package.

Think of all the good that came from this nearly tragic event…  Our intelligence agencies are finally going to start working together *snicker*.  All the great jokes banding about the media. And, hey, as an exhibitionist, I can’t wait to try out one of those new airport scanners.  I think I’m going to get a one-way ticket to DC with a wad of cash, no luggage, and one of those trench coats.  But do you think a false mustache is over the top?  Be honest.

Fox News Alert: Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.

Alex Bone

In the chaos of world events and our declining economy, America has clearly entered uncertain times. We are all juggling multiple jobs, multiple credit cards, and multiple hookers (sorry Tiger).  And, as times get tighter and America decays under the weight of its own gluttony and greed, it is often harder to remember our moral priorities. This is where Fox News presents: The Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.

With the liberals telling us that love is always okay on one hand, and the GLBT movement demanding fair treatment on the other, a decent god-fearing Christian can often lose their way within the fog of human rights advocation. After all, we all know that Jesus believed we should love all mankind, unless, of course, they are different from us (Malkinicus 3:11).

I could not hope to replicate all the profound wisdom this educational program inspired, but I will do my best to give justice to their highlights:

1. Homosexuality isn’t natural.

Sure, a few hundred animal species are known to engage in homosexual behavior, but I have still never seen hot male-on-male koala action. After all, life can not be created without a male and female component (aside from all asexual creatures and that one Schwarzenegger movie). One can look at our Christian male God for instance. Yes, he created life without a female, and we all know he is obviously male. So a male can create life without a female, but he didn’t need another male, until he created his male companions. Sure he could have created female companions first, but God liked hanging out with dudes. Yeah, it was a big sausage fest up in heaven, that’s for sure, but he didn’t need their help to create more males and then a few more males. You follow?

Review time: God is male; he liked hanging out with other males; he only created males at first, and he didn’t need a woman to create more and more males.

2. Homosexuality destroys the family unit.

Families should have two parents; we all know this. And just because the parents love each other and their children, doesn’t make things right. Children need to be raised by parents of each gender, unless, of course, one parent has died, or the couple has become divorced, or the children have been taken away from abusive parents. So besides the above (which constitutes about two thirds of American families), we would not want to compromise our children with other types of loving parents.

3. Homosexuality is a cult that recruits our children.

We all know that no one would want to be a homosexual voluntarily, therefore our young must somehow be brainwashed by older homosexuals who wish to take advantage of their young fit bodies (code name: NAMBLA). Of course most children know they are different long before they are ever contacted by other homosexuals, but if we could just conceal the fact that homosexuality even exists, then these children might not know why they are different and would just remain uncertain, confused, alienated, and at higher risk of substance abuse and suicide for the rest of their lives.  You know, the way God intended. Saying that our youth can only become homosexual through converting them by others also brings up the point that there must be some first homosexual somewhere, perhaps one of those male angels getting bored in Heaven so long ago.

4. Homosexuality sets a bad example.

This is undeniable, aside from the deniable parts. In this modern world of pollution, war, lack of resources, and overpopulation, we all know that the job of a good Christian is to have as many babies as possible so we can continue the wars that help us steal resources from the infidels. More homosexuals mean less children for our holy wars. Also, this would end up using less resources and that is just plain Un-American.

5. Homosexuality is decadent and wrong.

For many people this is the strongest argument. First off Lesbians spoil women. All women will soon be expecting to have an organism each time they have sex and that is a lot of extra work for most of Fox’s uninventive viewers. As far as gay men go, well that is just gross, am I right? And there are more of them than lesbians too. Some experts believe that 5% of all males are homosexual! Now, we all know that it is okay for 50% of the world’s population to have sex with men, but it is certainly not okay for 52.5% of the world’s population to be doing so.

It is our hope that we here at Fox have finally laid this matter to rest so we can move forward with our lives free of the fear associated with having our fellow alternative-lifestyles Americans (FALA) taking the Land of the Free to mean that they are free to do what they like with other consenting adults.

Trend Rending

Alex Bone

Has this ever happened to you? You are trying to get in touch with a friend, which, these days, doesn’t involve a phone call or a letter. Maybe you are going to go old school and send an email, instead of a text.

“Hey man, we are heading out to 151 for a few nights—the usual place. We will be BBQin, playing horseshoes, the whole bit. Do you think you can make it?”

They reply, “cool.”

As Chuck Noise recently pointed out, our communication window is quickly shrinking. We all know this, but that is not what I am here to discuss. What I am wondering is how far will the spill off from this cultural shift towards brevity go? In particular, how might it affect music in its various forms?

But in most respects it was merely a mobile stereo, other than the fact that I was now isolating myself from the rest of the world.  But, then again, it did help “the voices.”

In recent times, our options have increased. Music videos in some respects mixed our stereos with live performances. Now online services, such as U-tube, put a myriad of options at our fingertips 24/7, and as Tony Ballz is so happy to point out, it’s free! Still, this begs the question as to how, or if, this current trend of ADD-driven sound bites will effect music. How many times has someone posted a music video link in your email or Facebook page? Do you look at it, and if you do, do you bother to watch the whole thing?

“Come on man, that video was almost three minutes long, I don’t have time for that.”

Thanks to the punk movement, the eighties saw the invention of the incredibly shrinking song. Where the rock dinosaurs thought bigger was better, punkers could get a whole song belted out before Keith Moon could dig his drumsticks out of the woofer. In 1983 Poison Idea put out the album, Pick Your King. It has thirteen songs and is less than sixteen minutes long. Now, it seems the current trend in punk is for longer dirge songs, but we’ll see how long that lasts. Will some of the newer modern bands, which have members that grew up on text messages and My Space, create a new style of mini-music? Five years from now, will we be hearing mega short sound bite songs?  Just like the little twenty second diddies that I can check out on my cell phone or blast from my Face Book page and then quickly move on.org.  In an age where no one has the attention span to even bother to call a friend, when text messages will do, will music also tread down this Twittered path?  On a related example, this post was originally the length of War and Peace, until Winslow got a hold of it. 

I could be way off on this, but if you are listening to your middle school daughter hum some half minute tune, a few years from now, remember you heard it hear first.

  • Problems on the double,
  • Try to burst my bubble
  • Chaos all around
  • Feet never touch the ground
  • (4 second guitar solo)
  • I don’t know why
  • Fingers to the sky
  • I might as well try
  • Before I flippin die.

“Sorry Mr. Bone, but that song is a little longer than what we are looking for. If you can trim it down to half that size, maybe we could work out a deal.”