Tag Archive for humor
In 5-4 Decision Justices Agree To Abandon Scalia On Subway Platform
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court has agreed to lure Justice Anthony Scalia to a designated subway station and leave him there. The other Justices hope to convince Scalia that this is a planned outing that will include both a free lunch as well as a chance to overturn the Affordable Care Act. The other members of the Supreme Court are going to act as if they’re getting off at the Capitol Heights Station and then plan to jump back on board just before the train pulls away.
Justice Ginsberg explained, “I don’t plan on any jumping, per se, but I can lean toward the door a little.” When questioned about the legality of this move, she said, “We decide what’s legal, remember? Look, if we had our own Supreme Court reality show, we would have voted Scalia off Justice Island a long time ago. We’re just implementing our own three strikes and you’re out thing. Scalia is a conservative, he is a Catholic, and he is a Yankee’s fan. Oh, and it doesn’t help that he’s an asshole.”
Benghazi V Charleston: False Narratives 101
by Mick Zano •
While Obama delivers his eulogy for a Reverend Pinckney, my thoughts remain with the people of Charleston. During Fox News’ coverage of this event, the words “racially motivated” and “terrorism” were avoided like an Ebola victim donning a suicide vest. The Fox News All Sharts tried their best to deny that the attack constituted a hate crime—one fueled by white supremacy and a semi-automatic Clip of Freedom.
The Haunted Pioneer Saloon: Part I
by Mr. Sherman •
The Dukes Weigh-in on Flag-gate
by Mick Zano •
GOP Insists Obama Get More Serious About F-ing Up Next War
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—President Obama’s reluctance to lose more conflicts, create more jihadists, and get more Americans killed is confounding many. Intelligence gathering, diplomacy and targeted drone-strikes remain foreign concepts to republicans, like Taco Bell or Panda Express. Republicans’ ongoing plea to become mired in more ground wars is thus far falling on deaf ears. As ISIS gains more ground—ground that is actually sand—conservatives remain fixated on the oil that might be under said sand…er, ground. Oily to Dead?
I Know We Have Our Differences, Pokey, But Can’t We At Least Agree That I’m Always Right?
by Mick Zano •
I commend the notions that most religions foster, such as moral restraint, humility, community cooperation and asceticism. These are good things, but your fundamentalist approach invariably strays faster than the Ghetto Shaman on a Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Pokey is no different. There’s something inherently wrong with organized religion. It’s kind of like watching Real Time on TiVo or farting during an NPR segment of Fresh Air.
Discord Deploys Yellow Submarines Against ISIS
by Mick Zano •
Flagstaff, AZ—A long time ago in central Pennsylvania I left a bar called Sal Assante’s to find the streets filled with brawling people. Not knowing what to do, I started instinctively singing The Beatle’s Yellow Submarine. This seemed to pause the violence as everyone kind of stopped punching each other to look at the crazy person. Yesterday, I employed this same tactic in the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona, and once again my singing somehow ended the violence. So what if we weaponized the Fab Four and deployed specific Beatles songs to combat ISIS?
New Twist In New York Manhunt
by Mick Zano •
Pope Loses His Shit While Waiting For Putin
by Mick Zano •
Moscow, RU—After being late for their first meeting, Russian President Vladimir Putin asked the Pope to be his guest at the Kremlin. The Pope agreed but unfortunately Putin arrived even later to greet His Holiness for this second meeting. Bored and frustrated, the Pope allegedly tore down a tapestry of Putin, broke an ornate clock in Putin’s likeness, and then threw a bust of Putin out of a second story Kremlin window. Russian officials have confirmed the plunging bust did, in fact, damage the nose of a statue of Putin in the square below.
Putin’s tardiness is legendary as he was 14 minutes late to greet the Queen of England, three hours late to greet Secretary of State John Kerry, and a whopping five weeks late to greet a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses, who incidentally were never seen again. Some believe the Dalai Lama is still waiting in a little café just off of Red Square, as Putin allegedly “promised to pick up the tab.”