Alex Bone, contributor for the The Daily Discord, Priest of Yig, and founder of the Men Against Migo Association (M.A.M.A.), was reported missing last weekend. The only survivor of the Bone Gang, Mick Zano, awoke with green hair and an ‘I ♥ Bacon’ tan line across his chest. He is currently deemed “still too disoriented” to help authorities.
A search party was organized…well, just as soon as the campers had eaten breakfast, played a few rounds of horseshoes and found their underwear. But, to date, all attempts to locate Mr. Bone have been unsuccessful. Authorities did find a half-finished pale ale near an area south of Parks Arizona known as the Lilly Ponds. Since Bone was a fan of Bukowski and would never not finish a beer, his friends and family have concluded: the crawdads had their revenge at last.
Over the past several beers, Mr. Bone has become a well known spokesperson against crawdad rights. Here is a quote from his last ‘Crawdad Go Home Rally’ held in Wheeler Park in down town Flagstaff—which Fox News didn’t cover, on purpose, because they’re crawdad loving sympathizers(CLS):
“We all know that Crawdads are an evil invasive species, most likely sent to Earth to destroy all life by those brain sucking cowards the Migo. We’ll just suck their brains right back and cook up their tails too! I’m the last one to let some so-called intelligent Fungi boss me around. And don’t even get me started on Nyarlathotep. I got stung by a yellow jacket last week and I’m sure that that crawling chaos bastard was behind the whole sting!”
As far as anyone can tell, Bone lives in a dark Lovecraftian world, which exists on the very edge of our reality…or he’s on meth; we’re sure it’s one of the two.
So far all local authorities have refused to help in the search for Bone.
The Flagstaff PD stated, “We still remember when that so called anarchist used to put on punk rock shows for the kids too young to get into bars. As a result of his influence, my son votes Democratic now and my daughter married a hippy. If only they’d stayed home and watched Fox News 24/7.”
The Park and Game Commission have also declined to be involved with anything to do with, “That damned liar, Zano.”
So the surviving members of M.A.M.A scoured the woods for their founder.
He-Who-Should-Not-be-Named, er…another words, someone who participated in the search but would like to remain anonymous, said “Sacrifices were made, like calling in sick, withdrawing money from their children’s college funds to help with more beer and munchy runs, smoking all of Uno’s weed (he shouldn’t have left it out), and burning all of Bone’s conspiracy theory books to keep warm…it got really cold that week and we were just too drunk to gather more firewood…”
The statement actually goes on for seventeen more paragraphs, but that was the only comprehensible part. Some of us here at the Discord can’t help but see the irony in his being dragged to his death and devoured by crawdads. What a way to go for such a well known hero. After fighting his dark nemesis, the Xemmoni, or maybe his sanity, in the end it was those little bastards that took him down. The sad thing is, witnesses noticed several sticks of butter missing that morning.
One camper commented, “Unless Devo was making some new friends, it must have been a horrible way for poor Alex to go.”
Mick Zano claims a crawdad hunt & bake is being held at the Lilly Ponds next weekend in Bone’s honor, “This way a little piece of Alex will be with us always…in a creepy cannibalistic kind of way.”