Despite the ongoing collapse of conservative ‘thought’, each news cycle still brings a barrage of new and intriguing rightwing dimsights. At least Puerto Rico has a storm to blame for knocking it back 30 years, what’s the Republican party’s excuse? Today, as the Antarctic Pine Glacier retreats another 100 miles, the GOP’s brain capacity retreats another 100K neurons. Meanwhile, our President is mulling trade rules that could lead to tariffs on California solar, at the same time his crony, Rick ‘can’t-remember-all-three-things’ Perry, is bailing out coal and nuclear. The juxtaposition is astounding. This would be dumb twenty years ago, but today we have to invent a new word (luckily I have, later in the article).
While we should all be very proud of the individual efforts of Texans during the aftermath of Harvey, let’s not let this impressive local chutzpah distract us from the key takeaway points. Wait, I’m being told the Keys have already been taken away by Irma. In 2017, we remain woefully unprepared for future meteorological events, which can mostly be attributed to a Lemony Snickets-syle series of unfortunate elections. Let’s review the Republican scorecard: 1. They didn’t want a carbon tax to reduce the CO2 levels in the atmosphere; 2. Under Trump, city planning projects are forbidden to use flood studies that take rising sea levels into consideration; 4. They never want to fund basic civil engineering projects to protect our cities in the first place, citing cost and a general repulsion to anything resembling forethought; and 5. They have always been reluctant to switch to green energies for fear of improving our species chance of survival.
Here’s Pokey’s last article, dissected into tiny segments of wrongness for your enjoyment. And, yes, it will be humorous or my name isn’t Mick Zano …and it isn’t. When conservatives accidentally stumble upon the truth they always seem to claim ownership—not like scholars and gentlemen, more like cats. We can link back to who said what first, Pokey! Didn’t we have you neutered? Try utilizing the search button at the top of the website. Uh oh… I just thought of that scene from the end of Planet of the Apes:
Mick Zano argues that Democrats are not nearly as moronic, harmful, and sociopathic as Republicans. As an example he sites a scenario wherein a high percentage of polled Democrats would allow refugees from a non-existent country to enter the U.S. He feels this is a far less reprehensible position than having a similarly high percentage of polled Republicans favor the bombing of this same fictional country. This example shows the disturbing flaws in the psychological make up of many of both Republicans and Democrats alike. When confronted with perceived threats both sides tend to instinctively react without reflection, but their irrational reactions are different. When Ricky Republican feels threatened he looks to blow up the first thing that moves, while Denny Democrat would rather open up his front door, raise his hands in the air and channel Neville Chamberlain. “Come into my house. Take anything you want, just please don’t hurt me! I’m a pluralist for fuck’s sake!”
Le Bourget, FR—World leaders reconvened in France today at the request of the Heat Miser. November’s meeting at the same venue was a multinational effort hailed as “the planet’s last, best hope to stave off the impact of climate change before the Force Awakens opens.” After a thorough Palinesque vetting process, The GOP chose The Heat Miser to present the republican counterargument. The controversial marionette demanded an immediate audience with the United Nations, so over 30,000 diplomats and delegates quickly assembled.
As part of his opening remarks, The Heat Miser insisted, “This has nothing to do with the ginormous check I recently received from the Koch Brothers.” During his 17-hour filibuster-style heated rant, The Miser presented a powerpoint presentation designed to repudiate global warming. The slides included an image of a person shivering after getting out of the shower, another person defrosting a very icy freezer, and Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) holding a fully intact snowball on the floor of Congress.
Tokyo, JP—The left wing media remains overly fixated on the deaths of seals, dolphins and polar bears, but what’s going to happen to our giant radioactively-enlarged monsters? With the advent of climate change Polar bears are switching their food source from seals to dolphins, and sharks are already acquiring a taste for human flesh. This begs the question, what’s going to happen when our ocean’s apex predators get a Big Mac attack? What happens when Godzilla runs out of whale kibble? What happens when Gamera runs out of Megaladon and chips? Speaking of which, always offer the malt-vinegar with that order. Gamera totally loses his shit without malt-vinegar! Do you want some toast with that town of yours? Word to the wise, that turtle is not fucking around.