76 search results for "Rome"

Points: Why Republicans Don’t Seem to Make Any

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The only thing Pokey and I can agree on these days is how we both speak different languages. Ich habe es dir gesagt, Herr Pokey! My friends list of top concerns is, in and of itself, very concerning. In 2015 we can all do better than conspiracy theories wrapped in delusion. Crappetizers? There’s clearly some stuff worth hashing out from his last post. Speaking of which, hopefully that “candy” will come in handy during this endeavor.

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Republicans Accuse God of Being “Weak on Terror”

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Republicans Accuse God of being "Weak on Terror"

Rome, IT—Earlier today, his Holiness the Pope called for all Muslim spiritual leaders to condemn terrorism. Republican leaders from all over the heartland voiced their extreme displeasure with the Pope’s radical approach to extremism. They are calling it “un-American” and “ungodlike” and “unnatural.” Many in the GOP feel the Pope is acting a lot more like Barack Obama lately and a lot less like he should be, aka uneducated.

John Q. Republican said, “How do you account for these Biblical discrepancies? I mean these, not the ones in the actual Bible. Is the Pope mixing up his political messages with God or is God weak on terror? There has always been a close link between conservative thought and the smiting-shit parts of The Bible. Was it not Jesus who turned the tables on the money changers? He was the first Galilee Partier. Heh, heh, get it?”

The Pope responded to allegations by pointing out several quotes from the New Testament and several quotes from President Obama’s similar attempts to reach out to the moderate Muslim community leaders.

John Q. Republican was outraged, “I never made it passed the Old Testament, so I’m lost on this hippy juice shit. Honestly, I never even made it through the first part, you know when God said ‘let there be whites’…or something.”

AM radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, added, “The Pope is getting it all wrong. He’s asking for a global condemnation on all terrorist acts, which essentially calls for Muslims to condemn other Muslims. It makes no sense. He needs a global condemnation of Barack Hussein Obama and his policies. I have managed to repeat the dangerous stuff Obama’s doing on this show, over and over again. Isn’t the Pope listening to the stuff I spend hours making up? It’s a sad day when Christianity moves away from hatred. What next, you can’t get into heaven if you’re F-ing rich?”
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Reptilican Virus Spreading in the Elderly

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Mick Zano

Sure Ebola is a big problem, if you live in West Africa, but here in the good old U.S. there’s a more insidious virus infecting our populous. Conservative “thought” is now airborne and spreads through only a couple of powerful media sources. It can trigger an immediate emotional response from the more primitive centers of the brain, akin to a brain fart. The Limbaugic system?

This virus, known as Reptilicans, can attack the person’s ability to reason, shutting down the higher cognitive functions faster than a Big Gulp of Irish Moonshine. Never order that (I’m talking to you Uptown bartender with the cap). This com-murdoch-able disease has already infected everyone in the Fox Nation and its one of the greatest threats we face—worse still, it’s spilling over into my own political lap like a drunk stripper with an inner-ear infection. Never order that.

This movement is harnessing all the fear, paranoia, propaganda and bigotry in this world as it shifts the focus away from the biggest problem of our time, namely themselves. My years of Henny Penny blog rants went unnoticed so I think it’s time we all ducked. The sky is falling and a recent Pew research poll is backing some of my unsettling claims, here. It basically suggests the ongoing impetus behind our increasing polarization is republican in nature, and—surprise, surprise—it’s predominately a Fox News-driven phenomenon (FNDP). I’m afraid this trend will have a more direct link to our demise than all the jihad-stoning-nutjobs combined. Shock poll: no one shocked by this.

Where political parties come for their news
Where political parties come for their news

I guess all those jokes I’ve made about republicans not being able to connect the dots comes down to the fact…um, they only have one. Here’s Waldman’s take:

“You’ll notice that for the consistent conservatives, trust is basically a function of ideology and partisanship. The only sources that over 50% of them trust are Fox and a bunch of conservative radio hosts.”

—Paul Waldman

I would argue the other 50% of conservatives can be broken out into two camps: the semi-sane and the people not really interested in stuff. The semi-engaged will always be among us, but it’s these Walkers we really need to worry about:

Boo! Sorry We Couldn’t Get This Out by Halloween.
Boo! Sorry we couldn’t get this out by Halloween. Our PhotoShopper got into some of that Big Gulp moonshine again.
Our PhotoShopper got into some of that Big Gulp moonshine again.

 “The fact that conservatives are this paranoid should be alarming enough, but it becomes even more frightening when you consider who conservatives do trust in the media. Consistent conservatives only trusted 8 media sources–compared to the 28 liberals trusted–and of the eight, only one has anything approaching respectable reporting or reliable information. And that one, the Wall Street Journal, has good straight reporting but has an op-ed page that is a train wreck of right-wing distortions and misinformation.”

—Amanda Marcotte

My recent bashing of the Wall Street Journal, here. Yes, the best of their best remains a shit-show. So why is it working? How is it getting people elected? I admit that they have a rabid fan base but isn’t rabies eventually a lethal? (aka, foam at the mouth and fall the F over already, geez.)

Forging a new reality through bullshit has served them well. It’s good work if you can get it. But what does the truth about anything matter when lies are rewarded with Congressional seats? Of course, our Foxeteer friends would say the midterms were some kind of vindication, but for what? Doesn’t vindication imply being somehow vindicated? I guess not. Who knew? Are they being vindicated for a 7% approval rating in Congress? Someone may thank me someday for my insights—or not—but the only thing I’m sure about is our future selves will never thank a republican. Ever. At least not this current 21st century, batshit variety (CBV).

I am a little annoyed that Obama wouldn’t do those fireside-style chats I suggested long ago, here. He tried to stay above the fray and you can only do that for so long. Obama didn’t explain shit the way he should have, certainly in part because anything he said would have been used against him. But the negatives associated with not speaking outweighed any positives See: would-be Senator Grimes in Kentucky. I understand why that poor woman couldn’t utter the name Obama. Where she’s from that’s a bad idea. Of course, they have one of the best ACA exchanges, “Because it’s better than that there Obamacare!” And, Obama if finally attacking coal, which they apparently use to keep their lungs warm. Regardless, Obama should have shown some balls and exposed these troglodytes for what they are. Pssst, what are troglodytes again? Didn’t they do Wild Thing?

Meanwhile, post the midterms, the rest of the world is still trying to pick their collective jaws off the ground:

“Many of us Canadians are confused by the U.S. midterm elections. Consider, right now in America, corporate profits are at record highs, the country’s adding 200,000 jobs per month, unemployment is below 6%, U.S. gross national product growth is the best of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) countries. The dollar is at its strongest levels in years, the stock market is near record highs, gasoline prices are falling, there’s no inflation, interest rates are the lowest in 30 years, U.S. oil imports are declining, U.S. oil production is rapidly increasing, the deficit is rapidly declining, and the wealthy are still making astonishing amounts of money.”

—A baffled Canadian (as found on The Dish)

What the rest of the world doesn’t understand is that The United States of Andromeda has seceded from this planetary system. We don’t have to live here anymore and, if the republicans do find a way to win in 2016, it will become even more painfully obvious…uh, except to them. you see, there’s that virus in their heads and it’s not going anywhere. It will pat their hand and say it’s not your fault. It wasn’t dumb wars or dumb economics that killed America, it was…

“Wielding a gun that was smuggled back into the country originally from the Fast & Furious scandal, Obamacare jumped over The White House fence and shot our economy in the head.”

—John Q. Reptilican

Remember, peeps, post that R collapse, there’s a few billion other people in the world who aren’t going to have a clue what the hell you’re talking about. With a republican president in 2016, it will be very interesting to see two parallel universes crash right into each other like sumo wrestlers with acromegaly. Never order that.

On the good side, every exchange with another world leader will become spoof news gold! I may lose my shirt, but I will not lose my dignity. Oh, I’m being told my pants are going too. Never mind. A reptilican president will have to deal with so many poor misguided folks across the globe who are still burdened with something called reality.

Dear Reptilicans,

What are you so mad about? Is it because you’re working again? Making too much money on the stock market? Is having less of your children dead or injured due to unnecessary wars too much of a burden? Is it having the greatest decrease in the deficit to GDP ratio in our nation’s history too fiscally sound for fiscal conservatives? Are recoveries really worse than depressions? Is it too distasteful allowing people to have choices that you don’t agree with in this land of the free? Or, are you mad that healthcare costs finally dropped for the first time in decades? Oh, I know…it’s because you or someone you love is now insured, right? …you know, death panels.

Who am I kidding…it’s BENNNNGHAZI!!!!!!!!!!

XOXO,

Ben G. Hazi

P.S. Whoever eventually usurps this shit-show called America is going to try to save and study the brains of reptilicans for…oh, that’s right, you don’t believe in research.

Whereas it’s true the Dems couldn’t or wouldn’t articulate their successes, this is only part of the story. The real nasty bits of this Scheissgeist involves the deliberate creation of an alternate universe—a world I am now forced to reside. Oh rapture!

So dare I drink the Kool-Aid too? Should I just relax and enjoy the show from my virtual window seat, here at the Blog at the end of the universe? Some folks are saying that with republicans running both houses of Congress it will force them to become adults. Whoever said that—uh, I can’t find the link right now—but that statement is the best argument to keep weed illegal. What are you basing this on? (cough, cough….uh, cough, Twinkie). Oh, and speaking of raptures, if the rapture occurs immediately following the next republican-caused economic collapse, and I’m stuck here, I’m going all Old Testament on a certain cloud-hanging bearded donning somna—

[Last sentence edited by GOD]

God doesn’t seem to understand the 1st Amendment either. Imagine that.
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Obama Creates Coalition of the Good Luck With That

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Mick Zano

I thought I understood the Obama Doctrine, until now. More disturbing than the prospects of Iraq Part Deux is this: a recent poll indicates Americans would prefer a return to a Bush-style Doctrine, here. If this is true, do you remember Bill Paxton’s character from Aliens? Game over, man!

For anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine, how about we book you the Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’. Boots on the ground? How about a boot up your asses? I realize we’re all short attention spambots these days, but if we forget every historical lesson, every time—between the couch and the flippin’ fridge—why do I bother with all this [*********] blogging?!

[The word insightful removed by the editor]

The ONLY glimmer of insight from the Drudgelands in the last decade was this shift away from Fox’s Chicken Hawk Syndrome. Obama’s recent soiree into stupidity has me flummoxed and I’m rarely flummoxed. Is Obama caving to public opinion? Are there too many morons on both sides of the aisle offering advice? Is ISIS more of a threat than they seem? Will the McMillian Pub management lift my recent ban from their establishment?

I just went off on Hillary’s foreign policy, here, and now Obama is doing this shit?

“He committed himself and us to a victory we cannot achieve in two countries we cannot control with the aid of allies we cannot trust. And, worse, he has done so by evading the key Constitutional requirement that a declaration of war be made by the Congress.”

—Andrew Sullivan

I am not freaking out as much as Andrew, because drones, special ops and air strikes will continue to be necessary in the Middle East for a long, long time. And I’m, frankly, fine with that. But I do not want to arm anyone, save maybe the Kurds, and no significant boots on the ground. Advisors and special ops, maybe. But no arming Syrian rebels! Broader air strikes will need to occur with someone else’s boots on the ground, but whose? As predicted, Coalitions post Bush will be tough and Obama’s is going to be meh at best. Maybe he should call it Coalition of the Good Luck with That.  For all intents and purposes, we’ve been alone since about 2004. And the GOP keeps knocking justice from 30,000 feet. Today it’s all we’ve got. Thanks.

Dear Mr. President,

Of course your generals want to play with all of their toys. That’s what generals do, but it doesn’t mean it’s the best overall policy. Every intervention thus far has created even more radical splinter groups. Thankfully you held your ground on those boots on the ground, but you cannot afford to screw up, sir. Arming Syrian rebels is dumb.  Saying we’ll wipe out ISIS is dumb. Leave dumb for those who have already mastered this adjective. The first hint that your plan was dumb was the resounding bipartisan approval it met in Congress.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. I want the sweater I knitted you back.

We have a rare opportunity to completely marginalize the batshit right. So get it together, sir. I do not, circa 2016, want to see a republican president denounce ISIS and then start a war with the Egyptian Goddess of Love.

Earlier today, President Perry ordered air strikes that laid waste to the Egyptian step pyramid of Zosar. Outside of the remains of the Third Dynasty structure, Perry asked Defense Secretary Cruz, “WTF? Why didn’t she come out?”

The various militias in the Middle East should not get any more of our toys? They end up using them against us. The Onion nailed it: Obama Vows To Split ISIS Into Dozens Of Extremist Splinter Groups.  See, I thought spoof newsers were just smarter than republicans, but if we become the overall experts and authority on everything… (gulp). I would say Big Gulp but then Mayor Bloomberg would confiscate that last sentence.

No one has ever said, “Hey, Zano you’re the voice of reason.” People have said, boy”, if you’re the voice of reason, Zano, we’re in big trouble.” We are in big trouble…

I could actually understand folks seeking a third viable option or party but returning to the Bushies for guidance is like asking Marion Berry to guard your stash. To take one more step beyond, everyone is looking to Mitt Romney for answers. This cannot be overstated enough: Republican chicken hawks are the assholes who got us here and today they are arguably even less insightful. I watched what every republican said on foreign policy in the last two primaries, and besides Paul 1 and Paul 2, they don’t have a sliver of an inkling of a quark of a grasp on reality [editor not touching that one.]

“Foreign policy, the interventionist critics claim, has no place for nuance or realism. You are either for us or against us. No middle ground is acceptable. The Wilsonian ideologues must have democracy worldwide now and damn all obstacles to that utopia. I say sharpen your knives, because the battle once begun will not end easily.”

—Rand Paul

Rand Paul has some foreign policy sense, which disqualifies him from becoming the republican nominee in 2016. As Congressman Todd Aiken reminds us: when someone has a brain, the GOP has a way of shutting that whole thing down. Republicans are only taking applications from those promising to amplify the disparity of wealth and rule the rest of the world with an iron fist. You know, part Hoover part Hitler.

Someone recently noted Eisenhower’s exit captures the essence of the Obama Doctrine. I agree.

“I’ll tell you what leadership is… It’s persuasion — and conciliation — and education — and patience. It’s long, slow, tough work. That’s the only kind of leadership I know — or believe in — or will practice.”

—Dwight D. Eisenhower

I understood Bush’s blunders during each tragic misstep because, like My Pet Goat, he was a pretty easy read. Obama is smart, so it’s much harder to glean all of his longer term strategies.

“Halfway through this President’s second term, negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program have, at last, a realistic chance for success. Russia’s recent aggressions in eastern Ukraine may end in an uneasy truce. The gains have been unshowy and incremental. But when your aim is to conduct a responsive and responsible foreign policy, the avoidance of stupid things is often the avoidance of bloodshed and unforeseen strife. History suggests that it is not a mantra to be derided or dismissed.”

—David Remnick

Our neocons have taught us all only one thing, just how ineffective and tragic a poorly conceived military campaign can be. What would republicans actually have done between 2008 and 2014? I have never seen a group blather on about nothing for so long since my last existential Meetup group. Saber babbling?

So to all of you know-nothing Obama blamers, I don’t know what our President should do about ISIS and neither do you. I would not want to be in his golf shoes. But in 2003 Bush had a clear and easy choice to make on Iraq. He made the wrong one and that’s why we’re here. That is called a fact. Bush’s Iraq War was an intelligence failure, just not the kind you think. But has Obama jumped the shark on this one? And, can anyone really get away with comparing a war to an old Happy Day’s reference? These questions and more will be answered, same blog time, same blog station.

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Obama Condemns Own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum

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Obama Condemns own Drone Strike on 60s Band Procol Harum

One witness claimed, “We thought it was all part of the show. We were all like, how did they just explode on stage like that?!” Then I remember thinking, “These guys are the next Floyd, but then I was on fire.”

The White House spokesperson Jay short-timer-syndrome Carney said, “It was just a typo. It was an honest mistake by an honest intern, who, honestly, has since been promoted. Normally any drone strikes within U.S. borders requires a second signature from a witness or something. Look, Obama said he’s sorry and he’s asked Chuck Hagel to bring him coffee all week for this incident, because he’s sorry too. They’re all really sorry.”

The only surviving member of the Procol Harum, Robin Trower, said, “First we don’t get into the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame and now this. Well, at least we didn’t have to play Whiter Shade of Pale, I am so sick of that that fucking song.”

The owner of the club is suing the government for damages and insists his establishment “released all of the kidnapped school children weeks ago.”
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Religion Added to DSM-V

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Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In an unexpected move, the authors of the new DSM-V, which provides an overview of the many different types of mental illnesses and soup recipes, have decided to add religious disorders to its Axis-II category.

Psychiatrist David Cardonis said, “Axis-II personality disorders such as anti-social tendencies, histrionics, and Fox Television Viewing (FTV) now have some new siblings. We psychiatrist types feel that fundamental religious thought fits in nicely with the other existing disorders from this category.”

The sub-diagnoses added include:

1. Pentacaustic Personality Disorder (PPD)

2. Rational-denial Syndrome (RDS)

3. Obsessive-Confessional Character Pathology (OCCP)

4. Repetitive Flagellation Psychosis (RFP)

5. Crucifixion Dependence (CD)

6. Borderline Evolutionary Functioning (BEF)

7. Post-catechistic Stress Disorder (PCSD)

8. Archangel-typal Personality Disorder (ATPD)

9. Paranormal Personality Disorder (PPD)

10. Major Repressive Disorder (MRD)

11. Genuflexia Nervosa (GN)

12. Orthodoxicosis permanentalis (OP)

13. Reality Deficit Hyper-rigidity Disorder or RDHD (primary Biblical subtype vs. primary Koranic subtype or the yet to be discovered combined variant)

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Dry Cleaning, added, “Some of the hard data on these diagnoses are pretty suspect, as the subjects included only a few nuns and a homeless person, but that shouldn’t stop the progress of labeling people for ease of billing,” said Dr. Hogbein.

The religious right was far less sedate. The Revered Mark “Man-Mountain” Conway spat these words in my face and I was later diagnosed with hepatitis. “This will not stand! We have nothing in common with inflexible individuals that repeat formulas that have failed thousands of times.”

He then repeated that sentence for about an hour before adding:

“We only avoid all evidence that points toward facts out of a primal fear of change. We have evolved beyond the need for facts and we have learned to ignore any data that contradicts our beliefs. Oh, wait, we don’t believe in evolving. Crap.”

Jack Primus was hiding from the cops in my basement and agreed to be interviewed as long as I didn’t dial that last 1.

“I worked as a tech in a psych ward back in the day,” said Primus, “before Vile Darken turned the clients into hopping giant slugs, so I suppose I can diagnose individuals as well as anyone. And although I’d love to break Dr. Cardonis over my knee after he dropped me into that pool filled with flesh eating otters, I have to agree with him on this one. The only humans more nuts than people cursed with Religiosity are those who believe Republicans are good at balancing budgets. Oh, wait, I’m being told they’re the same people…never mind.”

As a result of the recognition of these new disorders, psych wards across the country are expecting a huge influx of new consumers. The state of Arizona immediately responded to the increased need for services by cutting mental health provider’s budgets in half.

On the upside, if my in-laws get to uppity at our next holiday meal, I can probably have them committed. I think I’ll go with Rational-denial Syndrome.
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New DSM-V Adds Religion As a Funde-Mental Disorder

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Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—The authors of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manuel for psychiatry, which provides summaries and outlines for all mental illnesses, added religion to its Axis-II category. This area was originally dedicated exclusively to sociopaths like Hannibal Lechter, or histrionic-types like CNN’s Nancy Grace.

Doctor Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “Many people already suffer from Axis-II disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and Discord Staffers’ We’re Out Of F-ing Coffee Again Syndrome. But now, thanks to some new disorders, there’s even more shit hitting the psychiatrist’s couch. Now I can make money off the faithful! Ten Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and what is your primary insurance carrier, sir?”

The DSM-V has also added several fundamental sub-diagnoses. These new Mental Illnesses include but are not limited to:

Pentacaustic Personality Disorder (PPD), Rational Denial Syndrome (RDS), Obsessive-confessional Character Pathology (OCCP), Repetitive Flagellation Psychosis (OUCH), Crucifixion Dependence, Borderline Evolutionary Functioning (CDBEF), Reality Deficit Hyper-rigidity Disorder (RDHD), primary Biblical subtype vs. primary Koranic subtype or the yet to be discovered combined variant), Post-Catechistic Catatonia (PCC), Archangel-typal Personality Disorder,  Paranormal Parable Personality Disorder (also known colloquially as Burning Bush Batshit Syndrome), Major Repressive Disorder (MRD),  Genuflexia Nervosa (GN), Orthodoxicosis-permanentalis (this last one is only in the ICD-10 as it was snubbed by the DSM folks. Thankfully it will be covered by your medical providers under the Affordable Care Act).

And, finally, Sunday Morning Hyposomnia (SMH). This condition is easily treatable by skipping church, sleeping in, and then watching cartoons.

“Some of the hard data on these diagnoses are pretty suspect (just a few nuns and a homeless person) but that shouldn’t stop the progress of labeling people for the ease of billing Insurances!”

—Dr. Sterling Hogbein

The religious right adamantly protested this obvious attempt to marginalize the angry and the wrong.

Pastor Prime of the First Church of Galactica said, “This will not stand! We have nothing in common with inflexible individuals that simply repeat formulas. Most data contradicts a belief system we have fostered endlessly through repeating bullshit. Most data contradicts a belief system we have fostered endlessly through repeating bullshit. Most data—” (cut)

As a result of all these new juicy billable disorders, behavioral health providers are expecting a huge influx of new consumers. So the state governments from those square states have immediately responded to the increased need for services by cutting mental health provider’s budgets in half. On the upside, if your in-laws get too uppity at our next holiday meal, you can probably have them committed.
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NASA Finally Tracking Quetzalcoatl’s Progress!

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"You've Got a Friend in Cheez-it" Campaign Causes Controversy

Houston, TX—The Mayan God, Quetzalcoatl, may be late, but it looks like he’s still coming to dinner…and you’re the dinner! With new images acquired from the Hubble Telescope, NASA is not ruling out the Mayan God’s arrival or even the Mayan Apocalypse itself! And that’s good news for people who are frankly sick of this shit. NASA is tracking the Feathered Serpent’s progress as he plunders his way through the nearby Andromeda Galaxy, while searching for fire-targets, food, and followers—or “the other three Fs” as they are known to Mayan psychologists.

NASA’s chief technologist, Mason Peck, said, “With his current progress, we expect Quetzalcoatl to pass the Ort Cloud at the edge our solar system by January 25th and we should have a cozy little world ending event some time during the first week in February. As the giant creature enters our atmosphere and incinerates large sections of our continent, it should be a great show. But don’t worry about us. We’ll be deep inside a nuclear bunker.”

NASA hopes to hand over the reins to NORAD as the Mayan God enters the Earth’s atmosphere. NORAD is excited to track the giant reptile’s progress as he lays waste to city after city.

“It will sure be more interesting than tracking Santa,” said Lieutenant General, Alain Parent. “Santa Claus just left Peoria, blah, blah, blah.”

Alex Bone, a key spokesman for Quetzalcoatl, said, “I received a transmission from Quetzalcoatl, or as I call him, My Lord Yig, while binge drinking over at Hops On Birch. He wanted to let the people of Earth know he is not late, the Mayans simply forgot to carry the one, or something.”

Bone regrets his decision to run drunk and naked through the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona during the days prior to his master’s original arrival date.

“That’s not actually very different from how I usually spend my weekends,” said Bone. “So no harm done.”
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Records Are Great

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Tony Ballz

Records are great. You youngsters call it vinyl, us old folks call them records, or LPs. Vinyl is what your car seats are made out of, or a raincoat. I have records by a band called The Raincoats, but I don’t think a band called The Car Seats exists. I’ll have to Google it.

I woke up from the party on my living room floor, a dull pain in my right side. I rolled over and saw that I had passed out on my 180-gram Sundazed reissue of the Stooges’ Fun House which was cemented to the floor in a puddle of hours-old beer. I got a cigarette butt out of the ashtray and lit it. Blah! Menthol. I stubbed it out in the grooves of Fun House, right in the middle of “Loose”. I pried the record from the floor and went over to the turntable. My copy of Scratch Acid’s first EP from 1984 on Rabid Cat was still spinning round, stuck in the inner groove, and it looked like someone had smeared cat food all over it. It might have been me. I flung it aside, and slapped on Fun House, the sticky side with the beer spill.

It sounded fantastic. The guitars were real warm.

I went to use the bathroom and found myself urinating on my original 1969 Elektra copy of the MC5’s Kick Out The Jams, the one with the word motherfucker intact, before the label had to recall them. It was sitting in the toilet, half-submerged in vomit and pee. I cleaned it off by swishing it around in the bowl and carried it back into the living room. Just then, a glob of gunk on Fun House’s surface caused the needle to break off and go flying across the room, right in the middle of “1970”. It sounded like this: Ah feel all riiight! Ah feel all riiight! Ah feel all riiiPKK! GZZSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I retrieved the needle, scotch-taped it back onto the cartridge, and put on the MC5, still wet from the toilet bowl.

It sounded bitchin’. The guitars were real warm.

I stepped outside and quizzically surveyed the carnage in my driveway. Then I remembered my redneck friends had brought their shotguns to the party, and we had decided to play a late night game of The Kids Are Alright. The ghost of John Entwistle smiled upon us as we skeet shot some of my faves. The Repo Man soundtrack. BLAM! Absolutely Free by the Mothers of Invention. BLAM! In The Flat Field by Bauhaus. BLAM! The first Grateful Dead album on the gold Warner Bros. label. BLAM! The original 1967 The Who Sell Out on Decca. This one’s for you, John! BLAM! The insanely rare 12″ 45-rpm Everything Falls Apart by Husker Du on Reflex that I found at Bookman’s for $5. BLAM! Bitches Brew by Miles Davis. 2 record set! BLAMBLAM! Bonus round.

Those of us who made the playoffs had to hit seven inches, and they took a lot more skill, especially the old big hole 45s. “Up on The Roof” by the Drifters on Atlantic, BLAM! Sorry guys. “Open My Eyes” by The Nazz on SGC, BLAM! Hope that wasn’t too painful, Todd. Dwight Twilley’s “I’m On Fire” on Shelter, BLAM! See you in hell, Dwight. “Mongoose” by Elephant’s Memory on Metromedia, which I’ve had since 1974 and have never found a backup copy of, BLAM! Dammit, missed. “Savory” by Jawbox on deSoto, BLAM! Sorry Kim. “We Love You” by the Stones on London, BLAM! You guys were the greatest.

Amidst the morning after debris, I spied my old 7″ of Black Flag’s “Nervous Breakdown”, intact except for the edge of a shotgun blast which had widened the center hole considerably and singed the SST logo. It looked like a motorcycle had peeled out on it, too. I took it inside and put it on.

It sounded awesome. The guitars were real warm.

Recently, a local publication ran a cover story about how cool records are, and I was (not very) surprised to find that the author hadn’t talked to any club DJs or punk rock fans (the two main subcultures keeping vinyl alive for over 20 years), just his friends. Now, there are lots of indie rock bands I love, but those people don’t give a shit about records. They would buy the latest Iron & Wine or Calexico if it was pressed up on a Ritz cracker, as long as it cost $45.99 and was a limited edition remaster.

Records are now what CDs were when they first came out: overpriced vanity items for a niche market. A fetish. Thanks to the internet, music is free at last and CDs are recognized as the crap plastic they are. This means Compact Discs can finally be cool because now everyone can afford them, not just snotty audiophiles and collector scum. See, one of the main reasons records were/are cool is that they’re AFFORDABLE. They should be $10 or less, not 10 percent of your paycheck. And you’re supposed to PLAY them, not display them. It’s the difference between a record collector and a music fan.

Personally, I’m heartened by the fact that old farts with great LP libraries are croaking every day. Their children say “Let’s get rid of this junk” and give their records to Goodwills all over this white trash country of ours. Happy hunting!
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The “No Mas” 16

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The Crank

There are sixteen widely used terms today that invoke nausea in me every time I hear them. I would like them from this moment forward stricken from all political discourse. Once one of my ‘16 forbidden phrases’ (similar to Carlin’s seven dirty words) are used on TV, or in print, they take on a life of their own. These are terms I never want to hear again. I’m sure I speak for everyone, and by everyone I mean six people, when I say please stop!

Here they are, in no particular order:

Outside the box

If this saying were to have its way, we would ALL be thinking outside the box, which would mean that inside the box would be a very lonely place indeed. I envision Zano sipping a specialty coffee alone in a room starting a political party. AND, if everyone thought outside the fucking box, then to be different one would have to think inside said box. Ponder that one. It’s a ‘sound of one hand farting’ kind of thing.

Fiscal cliff:

There is no fiscal cliff, unless we are taking about Road Runner and the Coyote. That cliff is followed closely by an Acme safe to the noggin. There are only stupid people making stupid decisions with other people’s money based on their bullshit agendas or the lining of someone’s pockets. That’s not a cliff, it’s an indictment…or at least it should be.

Civil rights

There are only MY civil rights. There is no YOUR civil rights. If I want it, it’s a right, if you want it, tuff shit. But what if YOUR civil rights oppress ME? Yeah, see what I mean? It’s all bullshit. A regal word has been reduced to birdcage liner. Beaten to death like a Syrian rebel.

Racist

See above. You can not disagree with anyone not of your exact color. Nope, not ever. Can’t. Why? We say so, that’s why. No reason. Dr. King is surely whirling dervishly inside his mausoleum hearing that word made so meaningless, after so many have died for it.

“Hey Joe, we got nuttin’ for a comeback on his last campaign ad.”

“That’s ok, just call him a racist.”

It is what it is

Just what the fuck is it? Is this another Clinton definition of is is thing? Couldn’t it be what it’s not? How about what it was? I know, it’s what it’s gonna be. It makes me want to smack the shit out of people who say it. Then you can quote this back to them when they ask why I did it. Sorry, many, it is what it is. Hey, but I did call 911.

At the end of the day

Yeah what? The fucking sun goes down. We all fall asleep.

(See also) When all is said and done. Another stupid phrase. Please. When all is said and done, you shut up and do nothing? Is that what it’s supposed to mean? Now, let’s put these two together.

“When the sun goes down and we fall asleep, we shut up and do nothing.”

Very profound.

With all due respect:

Graciously excuse me please while I jam this twig in your eyeball. Permit me, kind sir, to throttle you within an inch of your life. When someone hears this, their sphincter involuntarily clenches up. It’s like when I read a Zano feature.

Viral:

STDs are viral. Mad fucking Cow is viral. Videos are not. “I must have touched the railing and got this video from someone.” “Oh, I got a bad video and now it hurts to pee.” I hope it doesn’t last too long. Why don’t you just rub that ointment you got from the clinic onto your YouTube and call me in the morning?

Epic fail:

This fucking phrase is an epic fail. Every time I hear this, it’s like drinking a Slurpee too fast. I get brain freeze, or as they call it NY, Bloomberg Syndrome. Until something fails, there is no way to know in advance of its demise, epic or bleepin’ otherwise. Just say what you mean:

“I hope your idea fails so grandly that many people get hurt and you spend the rest of your life in prison.”

Wow factor

You mean to say impressive, right? Then why not just say it? It makes you sound somewhat intelligent, unlike using the words ‘Wow factor’, which over the course of time seems to have lost all of its….ahem.

A-ha Moment:

This phrase signifies the dumbing down of the English language at its finest. Kind of like when Hugh Laurie has that spaced out, faraway look, when he’s just discovered the cure for something. Or, when I’m looking through the my trunk for my lost car keys and suddenly realize the sound I heard yesterday—the one that seemed kinda’ funny at the time—was, in fact, my keys sliding off the trunk lid onto the road…only to be immediately run over by a truck. Now, whenever Dr House has that look, I scream out “holy shit, the keys fell off the car!”

Man-up:

No. What if I’m “sensitive”(code)? Then what, Mr. Masculine know-it-all, huh? Why don’t you put on your big boy suspenders and stop using this. Oh, and stop using that one too.

I’m just sayin’:

If I was writing, I’d be just writin’. If I was cooking, I’d be just cookin’. Of course you are just saying…unless, of course, you’re simultaneously writin’ and dancin’. That would be very different, now, wouldn’t it? I’m just multi-taskin’? What you really mean to say is that you think what you said is true, but you won’t go to war over it.

Racial Profiling:

Israel does it very effectively. If I’m looking for an Arab terrorist, I make sure to feel up every old white woman, especially the Nuns, and the children with red hair. Sorry, but they should put up jumbo pictures of all eleven 911 terrorists in every airport with a sign saying, “If you look like this, we want to ask you a few questions.”

Politically Correct:

What you mean is that your testicles are tucked WAY up inside your body, and you do not wish to offend anyone on earth-simultaneously-with a word, gesture, or a non-verbal cue. It’s called the profound pussification of society, which has now proven to be fatal to said society.

Any questions?

The Crank
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