Kidding, Trump only speaks pig, not Pig Latin.
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Trump Claims He Left Signing Ceremony Prematurely Because Pence Bought The Wrong Crayon Pack “Without The Sharpener!”
by Mick Zano •
Large Shipment Of Artificial Trump-Credibility Seized Only Five Miles From Mouth Of Potomac
by Mick Zano •
Chesapeake Bay—A Russian freighter, the Любовь Путин, was seized by Coast Guard personnel earlier today in the Chesapeake Bay. The ship, which hailed from Moscow, was reportedly full of artificial credibility ranging from supportive fake news, to Trump achievement ribbons, to trophies that say ‘Everybody Gets a Trumpy!’ Many are concerned this only increases the perception and likelihood of pre-election collusion between President Trump and the Kremlin.
Trump Sending Kushner To Attend Narnian Economic Summit A Diversion?
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump is asking Congress for an additional 200 million “just to keep all those crazy half-animal things from eating my son-in-law.” This trip, which the White House is hailing as a fact-finding mission, is shaping up to be the most expensive diplomatic excursion since Nixon’s trip to the 9th circle of Dante’s hell. Critics are calling this trip “a fantasy” and “not worth a red cent-aur.” Others are asking, “Will that big lion even budge on trade?” and, “Is that the place with the Hobbits?”
God Backtracking On Initial Trump Support: “I Only Attended Every Trump Rally Because I’m Omnipresent”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Heaven—According to several reliable archangel sources, God’s patience and enthusiasm for the new U.S. administration is waning. Evangelical poster-child Pat Robertson spoke with the supreme being this morning for over an hour on the phone. Since that discussion, Robertson is preparing to either make a retraction of his earlier statement, namely how ‘Trump is God’s candidate’, or he will be announcing his new career in the food service industry. Fingers crossed, heathens!
Daily Discord Takes Half-Hearted Stab At The Sam Elliot Meme
by Mick Zano •
Shart Of The Deal? Somewhere Ayn Rand Is Underpaying Someone To Roll Her Over In Her Grave
by Mick Zano •
Washington—Paul Ryan is less than pleased by the premature death of Trumpcare, a healthcare system many were calling ‘irresponsible’ and ‘stupid’. Whereas Speaker Ryan remains distraught, President Trump is already shifting his focus to other things he hopes to fuck up. Ryan told the Discord today, “All I wanted to do was destroy the poor and middle class. Is that so much to ask? I had this whole bit I was going to do after it passed. I was going to say, ‘And now for something completely indifferent.’ Damn, that would have been rad.”
Spider Venom And Rat Poison Added To Trumpcare To ‘Sweeten’ Deal For House Freedom Caucus
by Mick Zano •
Washington—The republican healthcare plan designed to replace Obamacare remains in critical condition at this hour. Trump spent the last day before the crucial vote trying to woo conservative support by learning what the word ‘woo’ means. Many in the House Freedom Caucus are attacking the Trumpcare bill from the right. Congressman Aschlocke (R-AK) told the Discord today, “The American Health Care Act can not pass in its current form. It doesn’t do nearly enough to screw up this country’s healthcare system.” When asked what it would take for the Congressman to flip his vote from a no to a yes, he said, “Trumpcare has the word ‘care’ in it. Take that shit out for starters. Republicans are looking for a plan nothing short of repeal and disgrace. Comprende? Oh, and if anyone else uses the word comprende they will be deported.”
Official White House Tour Now Includes 17 Historical Items Likely Eavesdropping On President’s Thoughts
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—In an effort to cut both cost and interest, the White House tour is proud to announce a President Trump narrated audio tour. You can listen to our president go room by room and talk directly into your head about all the historical items that he believes can talk directly into his. The first historical item on the tour is the James Madison tea table, which Trump is convinced can not only read his thoughts, but has encouraged him to write and post slanderous tweets at two in the morning #libel.
Shadow Of Amelia Earhart’s Plane Discovered On Google Images
by Mick Zano •
“This is the biggest lead we’ve had on the Earhart case since that image surfaced of her and Bigfoot.”
—Jimmy Hoffa
