Houston, TX—Justin Russell of Bellaire remains trapped on a Whataburger rooftop since Hurricane Harvey savaged the Houston area last Friday. The man claims to be struggling with weight gain, lethargy, and excessive flatulence. He told the Discord, “Look, I’ve watched the film Supersize Me, so I know I don’t have a lot of time! I can feel my arteries hardening as we speak. I tried to catch some fish with a snelled onion ring and some Whatachick’n bites, but the Metro Houston fish still seem spooked. I am on the top of the Whataburger on 4th! The message on the roof says Send Whole Foods! You can’t miss it.”
Tweet Tower—Members of President Trump’s White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when it’s their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow …well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to make leaving the premises quicker and more enjoyable for all involved. He opted to install a zipline that spans 1,287 feet and leads from the Truman Balcony all the way to an open sewer grate on 17th Street.
Tweet Tower—A small gathering assembled outside the White House today to say farewell to Steve Bannon, the president’s chief-misogynist. Mr. Bannon used the executive sewer system, created by former Vice President Dick Cheney, to return to his subterranean headquarters at Breitbart.com. Upon his departure, Bannon told the Discord, “I realize the White House has 35 bathrooms, but where I’m from you can piss wherever you want. And you can’t put a dollar sign on that, unless you spray paint one on the wall. Or you can always throw up a swastika or two, or just throw up. Heck, whatever you want to do down here in the sewer is alt-right with me, hah! Whatever happens in the sewer stays in the sewer. No one will ever know, well, besides the rest of Trump’s cabinet, who should be joining me shortly.”
Rockville, MD—Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller was seen leaving a Sam’s Club in Rockville Maryland pushing a shopping cart full of indictments and subpoenas. An unnamed source believes the special counsel-led investigation has expanded to the automotive and hardware sections. In a rare public statement, Mueller told the Daily Discord, “I was thinking about going to Out-of-Office Max or Indictments-R-Us, but then I was I like, Fuck it, I need to get gas too.”
Tweet Tower—Donald Trump announced his decision today to appoint Swamp Thing to head the Department of Homeland Security. Many are already calling into question Swamp Thing’s lack of related experience, or the lack of any employment history whatsoever since a laboratory explosion forced him to reside in a nearby swamp in 1972. In a rare comment former President Barack Obama told the Discord, “Let’s set a side for a moment the question as to whether or not Swamp Thing is prepared to execute the duties and responsibilities of this key position, but how did this president ignore the obvious optics?”
Tatooine—Chalmun’s Cantina, an infamous watering hole located at the Mos Eisley spaceport, has closed its space doors forever after a violent incident involving an Ewok and the hind end of a Tauntaun. Shortly after the Imperial Stormtroopers’ arrival, their blasters claimed the life of the owner, a Wookie, and several of his staff. Empire personnel then arrested 23 of the establishment’s intergalactic patrons. The Empire hopes to reopen the bar again soon, complete with extended hours, an expanded menu, and more of a Neimoidian theme.
Kauai, HI—This trip proved the most challenging for team Search Truth Quest, at least financially. We would make both cryptozoological history as well as history of our flex funds. For this journey STQ was on the hunt for two Hawaiian heavyweights: a tribe of hobbits known as the Menehune as well as a 12-foot guardian lizard known as the Mo’o. Our CEO and primary funder, Pierce Winslow, figured it would be cheaper if we pulled a mythological twofer. He paid for our flights, our accommodations, and all the Ramen we could stuff into our carry-ons. We needed to recover from our last disastrous trek to the Dominican Republic. There was a lot on the line for this one, because the search for the truth in quest form must continue.
Faber College, PA—Skip “Skeeter” Mcyentire of Beta Alpha Lambda (BAL) is ready to take hazing to a more humiliating level with the addition of some built-in safeguards designed to protect his fraternity from any litigation. “All our activities come complete with waivers now, drawn up by our pre-law adviser and regular keg signer, Ted “Blotto” Freihoffer. “He’s been in pre-law for almost twelve semesters and is arrested almost every weekend, so he has definitely learned a lot about the ins and outs of our legal system.”
Emerald Isle, NC—A presidential tweet is at the heart of the investigation into how two U.S. nuclear submarines beached themselves earlier today along the North Carolina coast. Trump recently called Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and said: “We have two submarines heading to North Korea to keep baby face, nut job in line. They are nuclear submarines, so they glow. The best glowing subs! Better than even the Philly cheesesteak. So if you see two glowing things south side of your island Sunday night about 11PM. Just wave. It’s all good.”
Rome—Today the Pope, who usually tends to pooh pooh the intentional summoning of demons, unveiled his controversial plans to take down President Trump with an ancient evil. The Pope apparently stumbled upon the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis in the Vatican while “poking around the basement.” Many fear that since discovering the book, The Pope has become obsessed with it. “It’s a good read,” said the Pope. “The Kandarian Demons and their Deadite minions really out did themselves on this one. The book also makes reference to a Kandarian Dagger, but the basement in the Vatican is an impossible mess. Maybe if we had a garage sale or something.”