National Parksylvania—If the looming stalemate in Congress shifts to a partial government shutdown that could prove a worst case scenario for our national parks and memorials. Park and memorial services across the country would need to scramble to make only some of their featured landscapes and monuments available to the public. There would be strict congressional guidelines involving access, fees, and available vistas. For example, if you climb into the Grand Canyon and then the partial shutdown hits, you would not be allowed to climb back out. In Wyoming at the Grand Teton National Park, only one of the Great Tits would be displayed. Even more disturbing, the necessary geological mastectomy to remove the other mound may tally in the billions. At Yosemite National Park you can get into the scenic valley, but the famous Bridalveil Falls will be turned off with a giant spigot installed during the partial government shutdown of 2013.
Ken Wilber is often hailed as the smartest guy you never heard of. For an ‘integral’ part of his theory, Wilber built on Jean Gebser’s work on societal and evolutionary development, which suggest societies move through levels of consciousness as they grow, ie: tribal, fundamental, entrepreneurial, liberal, infinity and beyond. Buzz Enlightenedyear? Throughout his tenor, Wilber has generally ignored republican antics in favor of lib coaching (Summary Alert: with deeper levels of consciousness, comes greater responsibility). In Trump And A Post-Truth World, Wilber labels the main pitfall of liberals as ‘aperspectival madness’, or how pluralism (moral-relativism) has paved the way for this truthless post-modern landscape. Progressives tend to insist that all perspectives are equal and, in such a world, truth itself dissolves into an egalitarian nightmare. He also points to the onslaught of fake news as contributing to the problem and how search engines are weaponizing shitty viewpoints by trading meaning for popularity. He rails against click-bait, which *cough* reminds me, before reading further please like and share my Man Trapped On Whataburger Roof Calls 911 For Rising Cholesterol Levels.
Tweet Tower—President Trump was all smiles today as he unveiled the three potential prototypes for his Great Wall of Stupid. The President told the press, “I call the one that looks like an old Bavarian-style castle, Wall Disney. It’s amazing! Amazing! But I really love the yuuge gold wall design, because, as Ivanka tells me, it will match all regions of the southwest, any season. If we choose that one, I’m using the same folks who installed my golden thrown over at Trump Tower. Great people. The third choice doesn’t look as pretty, but it’s a structure patterned after the wall on Skull Island, the one that kept out King Kong. So it’s bigly durable. I’m really in love with all of them and I look forward to the final selection and then the construction of said wall, by liberals, who will be forced to build this monstrosity. And the Mexicans will be paying for the liberals who will be building the wall …on weekends.”
Washington—The Department of Education plans to rollback Obama-era sexual assault guidelines in an effort to protect some harmless college antics and pranks. Education Secretary Betsy Devos is leading the charge to decriminalize all ‘pre-rape’ offenses and instances of inadvertent penetration. DeVos told the press today, “Not all miss-conduct is the fault of mister-conduct. Sometimes shit happens in locker rooms and frat parties across our great nation. It did for me and I’m a better person for it. For example take the ‘Just the Tip’ phenomenon. Even if unwelcome, the tip is just not sex. No one likes ‘Just the Tip’, so the situation is obviously some type of mutual misunderstanding, or mister-understanding.”
Tweet Tower—The Trump Organization is looking to borrow money from the Kremlin to help transform downtown Houston from its current soggy state to a lush and sprawling golf course resort. Many are calling this win, win, unless you happen to own property in an existing water hazard. President Trump pitched the idea to Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner at a ballgame today, during a flood delay. The President believes an elite golf course with this many natural water hazards will attract “some of the best golfers across the globe. The best!”
Houston, TX—Justin Russell of Bellaire remains trapped on a Whataburger rooftop since Hurricane Harvey savaged the Houston area last Friday. The man claims to be struggling with weight gain, lethargy, and excessive flatulence. He told the Discord, “Look, I’ve watched the film Supersize Me, so I know I don’t have a lot of time! I can feel my arteries hardening as we speak. I tried to catch some fish with a snelled onion ring and some Whatachick’n bites, but the Metro Houston fish still seem spooked. I am on the top of the Whataburger on 4th! The message on the roof says Send Whole Foods! You can’t miss it.”
Tweet Tower—Members of President Trump’s White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when it’s their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow …well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to make leaving the premises quicker and more enjoyable for all involved. He opted to install a zipline that spans 1,287 feet and leads from the Truman Balcony all the way to an open sewer grate on 17th Street.
Tweet Tower—A small gathering assembled outside the White House today to say farewell to Steve Bannon, the president’s chief-misogynist. Mr. Bannon used the executive sewer system, created by former Vice President Dick Cheney, to return to his subterranean headquarters at Breitbart.com. Upon his departure, Bannon told the Discord, “I realize the White House has 35 bathrooms, but where I’m from you can piss wherever you want. And you can’t put a dollar sign on that, unless you spray paint one on the wall. Or you can always throw up a swastika or two, or just throw up. Heck, whatever you want to do down here in the sewer is alt-right with me, hah! Whatever happens in the sewer stays in the sewer. No one will ever know, well, besides the rest of Trump’s cabinet, who should be joining me shortly.”
Rockville, MD—Special Prosecutor Bob Mueller was seen leaving a Sam’s Club in Rockville Maryland pushing a shopping cart full of indictments and subpoenas. An unnamed source believes the special counsel-led investigation has expanded to the automotive and hardware sections. In a rare public statement, Mueller told the Daily Discord, “I was thinking about going to Out-of-Office Max or Indictments-R-Us, but then I was I like, Fuck it, I need to get gas too.”