AG Barr Blames Epstein’s Death Behind Bars On Epstein-Barr

Washington, DC—The Justice Department has both opened and closed the case on the death of accused sex-trafficker and socialite, Jeffery Epstein. AG William Barr ordered the Inspector General to open the investigation into the circumstances surrounding Epstein’s suspicious death while in federal custody and then finalized the report, in what many are calling an orchestrated effort to end the Justice Department’s inquiry, roughly seventeen minutes later, to coincide with a presidential tweet on the same subject.

The head coroner of the Federal Bureau of Prisons released a report on the incident, which confirms that Epstein’s death was ruled a promicide, as the facility was enjoying a mock senior-prom-type celebration during which Epstein both failed to find a date and then fell into a vat of a gelatinous substance containing a highly lethal strain of the Epstein-Barr virus. Since the virus was contracted via a top secret executive order, many are calling this a rare form of Monarchonucleosis, a virus designed to attack the loosendic lymph nodes of those deemed legal threats.

President Trump tweeted, “Epstein was found unresponsive in his cell, so I call him Sleepy Jeff. Mueller took like what, two years to find no collusion and no obstruction? Barr found the same thing much quicker, with zero cost to the U.S. tax payer! Zero!! I don’t even pay him anymore to suck up …and down. And what about the Feds?!! Epstein was in federal custody when he died!! Drain the swamp!!!”
Those close to The Donald confirm that the president is currently writing an executive order to drain said swamp.
[Retraction: our president can’t write, but he does reportedly “have people for that.”]
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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.