Geneva, SW—LHC, the world’s largest high-energy particle accelerator, is back in the news again. After bombarding two particles at near light speeds earlier today, a flaming eye-like arc formed across one of the accelerator’s key detectors.

“This is completely unlike anything we’ve seen to date,” said senior research scientist, Lucas Taylor. “I think it’s safe to say our detector has, in fact, detected something.”

According to eyewitnesses, what really shocked everyone was when the fiery eye exclaimed, “You cannot hide! I see you. There is no life in the void, only death.”

“When quantum life attempts to communicate, it’s pretty momentous stuff,” said Taylor. “The voice seemed to come from inside our own heads which was, perhaps, the most fascinating part of the experience.”

When questioned about any potential danger to mankind, Taylor replied, “What can I say? Sometimes you go looking for the ‘God Particle’ and shit happens.”

Some are calling the apparition the Higgs-Sauron Particle, in honor of the dark sorcerer from J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic Lord of the Rings. Meanwhile, LHC administrators are maintaining that the atypical and combative personality changes running rampant through their ranks is “merely a coincidence.”

“Most of the workers have abandoned their duties in the last few hours and seem content to clearing the trees surrounding the facility,” said Taylor. “It’s apparently all for some insidious weapons-making-purpose.”

But Taylor reassured the media that LHC administrators are “looking into that.”

Tripoli, LY—In what many are calling a “sad” and “pathetic” maneuver, Muammar Gaddafi made numerous calls to comedians this week for one last ditch effort to quell the masses.  Gaddafi then broadcast a seventeen minute comedy act to the entire nation of Libya on Thursday.

“Not watching the performance was a capital offense,” said a resident of Benghazi, “which, may have squelched some of the initial enthusiasm.”

The despot’s plan was to create the perfect standup routine to win back the hearts and minds of his people.  Granted, it was a feat made more difficult by strafing his own people with military jets the day before, but if anyone could pull it off, it was him.

Gaddafi opened his act with “I shot a protestor in my pajamas this morning.  How he got my pajamas, I don’t know,” and, “Firing missiles into crowds of my own people may seem heavy-handed, well excuuuuuuuuse meeeee!” 

He then, apparently, channeled Rodney Dangerfield by adding, “I don’t get no respect.”

There was no joke before or after his statement, he just kept repeating it.

At one point, Gaddafi actually stopped the act and said, “Have you all failed to notice the arrow that seemingly passes through my head?”

“He died out there,” said a once loyal tribal leader.  “There were long awkward pauses where he thought people would be laughing.  Didn’t anyone tell him there was no live audience?  Of course, if there had been, we would have rushed the stage…but not in the way he would have liked.  If he had only done something with a pie to the face, now that would have been something.”

Hobbiton—47 hobbits are missing and presumed dead after Google sent hundreds of unarmed Shire folk into the wilds of middle-Earth to draw the surroundings of each and every path. The ambitious plan was to cover all the land from the Grey Mountains to Mordor. Despite being nearly five years into the project, only an estimated two percent of middle-Earth has been captured in their Path View.

The partially eaten remains of Bimbo Boffin of Bugger Downs was found in a tree north of Bree, and the torn and bloodied clothing of Friskycoot Titgroper of Hobbiton was found in a warg den in the heart of the Misty Mountains.

“We sincerely hope the rest of the Hobbits all make it back safe and sound,” said Google CEO, Larry Page. “We only went with Hobbits after the Riders of Rohan and the men of Gondor told us to piss off.”

Page went on to extend his deepest sympathies to the families of those devoured.

Page also told reporters, “Google is sending people to help find the other 45 missing Hobbits and that all Path View activity has been suspended until a better strategy, one that doesn’t involve Hobbits in any way, can be developed.”

Lodi, NJ—The Discord’s Bald Tony met with Frankie Vincent, of Sopranos and Goodfellas fame, to discuss their “situation” with a radicalized, extremist pop-band known as Devo. This group is threatening violence in response to intentions to destroy several Duran Duran albums during the Discord’s highly controversial event Burn Duran Day.

Bald Tony reports negotiations at an undisclosed location over pasta went well last night.

Vincent told the Discord staffer, “Consider the problem solved. They’re nerds.”

Bald Tony reports the meeting was cordial but intimidating.

“I just kept thinking, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes, no Mafia jokes…then, the first thing out of my mouth is, ‘so this horse’s head, Joe Pesci, and a Port Authority employee walk into a bar…’”

 It all ended well, apparently, although no one has seen or heard from Tony since Operation Cannoli went into effect yesterday evening.

“We underestimated the response,” said Discord CEO, Pierce Winslow. “We had no idea how many people still liked Duran Duran. We have suspended Burn Duran Day indefinitely, and we are probably just going to go drinking instead.”

When asked if any members of the Daily Discord might forge ahead with the scheduled album burning, Winslow said, “No. They really like drinking.  Besides, they’re not worried about any backlash; they just don’t finish anything they start. Take this post, for example, they were supposed to…

Philadelphia, PA—A radicalized pop band calling themselves The People’s Republic of Devo are sticking up for the popular 80s band, Duran Duran.  They are calling for the heads of all Discord staffers in response to the ezine’s controversial decision to burn 16 copies of Rio this Saturday at the Liberty Bell Pavilion.

“They should die,” said front man, Mark Mothersbaugh.  “horribly if possible.  This is an affront to Bowie the Goblin King and all things 80s.  Think about it, what would 80s night be like without Rio?  It would be as bad as a fucking 90s night, if you can imagine that.”

CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is firing back—out of the side window of his Buick GNX.  “Yeah, I’m packing and I am defending my 2^nd and my 18^th Amendment rights.”

When it was pointed out the 18^th Amendment involved the repeal of prohibition, Winslow said, “Yeah…drinking, shooting, and driving.  What did you think I was talking about?”

The FBI and local law enforcement personnel are encouraging the main contributors of The Daily Discord to take this threat seriously and are suggesting they all lay low for a while.

“Just look at those orange hats,” said Springfield Police Chief Clancy Wiggum.  “According to the MTV archives, they’re packing whips too.  Not to mention, they’re probably all doped up on goofballs.”