Dear Whomever The Fuck (DWTF),

Greetings and salutations. Like I did for your buddy Sergio, let me congratulate you on assuming only the best parts of an iconic American company for free, at the taxpayer’s expense, of course, while doing the crabwalk around all the “bad” stuff. You know, like the bondholders, and companies you forced out of business by not paying for shit you bought. Great country America, isn’t it?

Let’s go over, car line by car line, just what you had, what you now have, and what you will need for the future.

Pontiac: don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Ten years of ugly small underpowered cars, and just when you get the go-ahead for a new GTO, you go to Aus-fucking-tralia!  No, let’s not build the penultimate GTO from our decades of experience in musclecardome, let’s just phone a totally forgetful one in from down under. You idiots deserve to be at home now, waitin’ fer yer bailout like the rest of us.

Saturn: with Penske as new owners, is a wait & see. That is, wait & see how long it takes old Rodger to bring them Chinese cluster-fucks to our shores.

Hummer: the devil drives a Hummer. It IS what is all wrong with America. Driving a Hummer says “I have taken advantage of, and probably crushed the hopes of many unsuspecting common folk so I can impress all of my shallow friends.”

Saab: Saab? Really, who cares!  Purchasing Saab must have been one of those, “I wanted to buy a car company, but then I got high,” kind of moments. Nope, losing those last two was a good move from any standpoint.

Chevrolet: Impala is Ted Nugent living in Steven Colbert’s body. It’s near invisible to most people, yet it’s one of the best autos to come out of the Big Bowtie in decades as far as people moving, dependability, and power vs. economy. But you forgot one thing: it needs to look like something we just might want to purchase. Malibu: please don’t fuck with it. Really. Please. Oh, and lose Cobalt. Let’s hope we all don’t go out and buy a Volt (see past diatribe on being green). Cruz looks good. Silverado is a truck. I don’t mind a few luxuries, but let’s not forget it is not for getting soccer mom’s asses to the local mall, it’s for getting large amounts of “stuff” from point A to point B. If soccer moms want to ride tall, I have a seven-foot friend who would love to accommodate. The new crossover SUV Equinox is great as is. No one really needs a full-sized SUV.  Sure they may WANT one, but they sure as hell don’t NEED one, so lose them. They are only for Hummer-ites in training. The Vette is an icon, don’t touch this (dum dum da dum, da um, da dum ). Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear said the Z06 was just like a Ferrari, but the air conditioning worked, it rode better, and was 100k cheaper! The new Camaro looks great, but let’s see how it’s made.

GMC: uh, you already make trucks in Chevy. (Come over here and turn around so I can hit you in the back of the head.) Re-badging is what got you into the steaming compost heap you now find yourself. Let’s not go there again now, eh dorks. Lose GMC. We dun nid no stinkin rebadges. (I know, I’m sorry.  It’s Mikko’s influence.)

Buick: The problem with Buick, for a decade it’s been synonymous with old people. Here in Arizona, every fall we have what we call the, “Annual March of the Driverless Buicks.” It’s when all the short old people drive back in force to Sun City for the winter. You can almost set your watch to it. It’s kind of like the birds of Capistrano on ludes.  There are more ’97 to ’04 LeSabres, Centuries, and Park Avenues per capita than any other car on the planet in the Sun City area.  Let’s figure out why:

1. Dependable: The 3.8 V6 is almost bullet proof. It will run on pee, or beer. I know this for fact. Miller is beer and pee, which might sound tempting, but don’t try it.
2. Economy: My wife’s Park Ave has 164k on it and regularly gets 25 – 27 MPG.
3. Room: All that out of a car a block long that seats six REAL people, seven if they have blue hair, and you can still fit five bodies in the trunk. That’s all of the members of Chicago and Lynard Skynard, dead or alive.
4. Ease of service: Almost anyone on the planet with a fucking wrench can service a 3.8. (except Mikko, but that’s another story).
5. Ride:like a magic carpet. Total isolation. Like playing a giant video game from the comfort of your Barkalounger.

Look, we old people need cars too, and my fat beige ass don’t want no mo “excitement” or “feel of the road.” I’m willing to slip on that car condom at this point. Tight handling, who cares? How many boxes of Krispy Kremes fit in the trunk? Can I get in it without being double-fucking jointed? If I hit something, will there be anything left for the Jaws of Life to extract? Will it get out of its own way on a regular basis? And can I do all of the above while passing the occasional gas station? These are things I give a shit about. The Buicks did this. Notice I said DID! In 2005 they figured, let’s make them smaller, heavier, less efficient, so the younger people will buy them. Duh, well, not so much. There is room for BOTH. Make the new 2010 Chinese design Lacrosse (known in China as Racrosse) for the young, and bring back the LeSabre for the rest of us. The new Lacrosse is great looking, the best vision for a Buick in a century (pardon the pun).  Let’s just see if I can get in and out of one.

Cadillac: I had a ’94 Sedan DeVille. 300 horse V8 front wheel drive. The best kept secret in Detroit. Fast as hell, blew away nearly everything from the stoplight. With all that weight on the drive wheels, I used to pass 4WD trucks stuck in the snow. It was what Mikko called the “Meadowlands Edition,” complete with the six body trunk (which could fit all of the Back Street Boys and still had enough room for most of Barney Frank). I put nearly 200k on it in 10 years at a total cost of gas, oil, tires, brakes, and about $800.00.  I had Vanity Plates that read “CRUZSHIP.” I miss that car. My very own “fat assed Caddy” as the NYPD called them, but that’s also another story. Anyway, today it’s all about the CTS; really nice car for the younger crowd. It has single handedly saved Caddy’s ass. The CTS-V was called the best American car ever by James May on Top Gear. It annihilates all its competition and can still conveniently dispose of the bodies. The new wagon version will be a killer, as will the new crossover SUV coming that’s based on it.

Escalade is yesterday’s bling. It’s dead, Jim. Lose it. It’s literally the 5000 lb gorilla in the room. Today, the Escalade says, “I gots lotsa muny from bein Gangsta and I gots a 5^th grade edumakashun, and a chrome handgun,” or it says, “I sold subprime ARM’s to uneducated consumers.” What you DO need to do is create a new full-sized flagship car.New from the ground up, rear wheel drive, V8, full luxo boat, with the obligatory  $ 90k price tag. Please call it FLEETWOOD.  Make Mercedes and BMW look like so much useless Kraut technology. Real luxury can be FELT, as well as seen (like boobies). More toys do NOT necessarily equal true luxury (tassels come to mind).

One final note, Mr. WTF, please take note of the main problem facing Ford. Their problem? Well, unbeknownst to the Green police in the Government, the F150 TRUCK still outsells everything they got, as well as some Toyotas. With C.A.F.E going to 30+ MPG, it’s a problem brought on by our own Government, cause they tink dat we da peeps caint be trusted wif impowtant desishuns. We dead dinosaur lovers are not all dead yet. We just need representation, one with a very loud voice, and maybe, just maybe, a tight ass, and some perky boobies. I do believe just such a person has recently made herself available.

Goomis E. Kyaam

Dear Goomba:

I will start out with a hayadooin & congrats on getting an iconic American car company, complete with freshly minted bailout money, for six yenpesos and a pizza coupon. The last “wap” that “inherited” Chrysler was Lido Iacocca. He did more for Chrysler than any other man before or since. The One Billion dollar bailout he got was probably bigger in terms of what the dollar was worth at the time, but who’s counting?  Really, at this point who is counting? Iacocca paid it back early, driving a fleet of 5^th Avenues (dissolving as they went) up to the White House to hand deliver the check. I remember it well. Nothing like seeing a line of newly made American autos, followed closely by a street sweeper sucking the dust and particles created by the near immediate breakdown of that great seventies sheet metal, covered with that wondrous new lead free paint. Mom had one. It would have lasted longer had it been painted with marinara sauce.

I, for one, am very happy to see the Italians coming to the USA. I have had more than enough German overdesigning to last a lifetime. You want proof someone can redesign something so many times it can not possibly work? “I” drive and “Bluetooth capable” ring a bell? Friggin disasters, both. I have also had enough Japanese Quaaludes on wheels. Jeremy Clarkson of the BBC said that whenever he can’t get to sleep, he just looks at a picture of the Camry and he’s straight off. American auto design needs emotion, Italian emotion, and needs it fast! I am getting a stiffy just thinking of a Viper with a body by Pininfarina.  I think the word Viagra is actually in that combo somewhere.

But I digress. Serge, can I call you Serge? Anyway, Serge, listen up. There are only a few things that are worth saving in the lineup you just, well, for lack of a better word, won. Jeep is one. A Wrangler diesel could be the new “country with no navigable fucking roads” car, followed by an American/Italian version of the Range/Land Rover made from the Grand Cherokee where, unlike the British vehicles, the electronics would actually work. Oh, and 500 horsepower plus 1000 lbs of torque equals 10,000 maniacs. The person purchasing such a vehicle would probably want it to speed up or slow down the Earth’s rotation at will (at the very least).

Second order of business would be the 300/Charger/Challenger.  Only what I would like to see is a 300 based Alfa Romeo luxury sport sedan. All the “Cocks” that currently just switched from Beemers to Audis would cream at the crotch. It would have “greasy day trader/skeevy investment banker” written all over it!

But a better interior on the Challenger, please! It’s as interesting as the Morning Crop Report on the RFD channel. For 40k, its interior has GOT to look like something more interesting than Dave Atsals in a speedo.  Oh, and it should FEEL better too. For 40K it should cure not cause hemorrhoids. Ditch the current Charger for a more modern (real Italian) design. Oh, and please put the 2.7 engine to sleep. I can run faster than a 300 with a 2.7.

I can’t wait for the Fiat 500; it’s a real “Mini” killer. Turbo charge the little bastard and call it the GLH, Iacocca’s initials “for goes like hell.” That’s the old Dodge Omni Rabbit killer. But, maybe I’m just splitting hares.

Next up, the Ram. Listen, if you greaseballs want to understand just what makes up an American car guy, spend a week in a new Ram. An interior like a futuristic jet fighter, only one made for short fat pilots. Thirsty-lazy-short-fat pilots. With short little arms. A ride smoother than any pickup ever built. And an exterior design that when viewed in your rear-view mirror says “Get The Fuck Out of My Way”. With beer coolers built in to the truck bed—how fucking cool is that? Now, follow this, its very important: Make a short bed short cab 2wd version with the 6.1 hemi in go-mango orange, Black or Cool Vanilla, with no fucking stripes, no fucking scoops, no fucking ground effects. Just a sweet toned set of pipes. And the beer coolers! Black “vinyl” interior, no carpets, kick ass stereo, 6 spd manual, fat tires with 20” chromes. All for less than 30k. Done. In homage to the Road Runner, call it, ready for this, the RamRunner. I know, and you’re very welcome.  Maybe the horn can go, Mee, Meep, but in more of James Earl Jones kind of way. 

In closing, let me just say throughout American history Chrysler Corp. has always been a leader in design and technology. That was until the Nazis stole it.  They raped the company blind, and left it for dead. I am sincerely hoping that you and your company can revive some of the old that was great, and put to sleep some of the new that ain’t so great. I am rooting for you. If you’re ever in Phoenix, stop by and we’ll have a cannoli and some beer. It’s the Italian/American way!

Yours Unruly

Goomis E. Kyamm

Washington, DC – Sometimes when you dismantle the rule of law and then give up the One Ring to another group, problems arise.  This is the case for former Vice President Dick Cheney.  Rooting for another attack against the homeland can easily find Cheney on the darkside of his own brand of politique. Our CIA director, Leon ‘Death Squad’ Panetta, feels that Dick Cheney wants to see another attack on the US, probably to assure that we stay sufficiently afraid, vigilant, and demented.

Panetta’s quote: “It’s almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it’s almost as if he’s wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point.”

It is hard to take advantage of lawlessness, but, in this case, what the hell? Based on this flimsy evidence, but clearly enough proof under Bush Law, the Daily Discord has decided to charge Cheney’s own secret death squads to bring the aged douchebag into custody.  Since he can easily be deemed an enemy combatant at this point, he is no longer available for legal council.  He will be picked up on US soil in the middle of the night, detained without due process, and shipped to Syria for some good old fashioned torture.  He will then be sent back to Gitmo for some good old fashioned nuanced torture: walling, stress positions, forced nudity, cold confinement, and waterboarding.  Er…in his case the prison guards have requested we go a little easy on the forced nudity.

Who knew that dismantling the rule of law could be so much fun?

Cheney is not alone.  There remains a disturbing ideology in this country.  Many real Americans, the twenty percent still locked into the neo-conservative bubble of non-reality, have made the easy transition to enemies of the state.  And here they said it was me.  They coroneted a king (which I tried to say at the time was a bad idea) and now they want to succeed when the next king is not to their liking.  If they haven’t reached the height of stupidity, they’re certainly scratching at stupidity’s whiskers.  The neo-cocoon was much more comfortable with Bush. You know, when the Constitution and the economy were being obliterated?  Sure Obama is following Cheney’s lead.  Halliburton?  Wuss. Obama’s going to purchase the automotive industry outright and all of our banks to boot (even the two solvent ones).  You should be excited about this. Obama is showing some testicular fortitude, the kind of stuff that makes real Americans start singing the National Anthem. 

This neo-cocoon disconnect remains a viable obstacle.  Reason has no place in the discourse (kind of like the libertards).

During a recent discussion with the Crank, I said, “Remember when Ron Paul relayed to the Republican Convention the reasons why Al-Qaeda attacked us and he was booed?  I can’t believe Guiliani didn’t even know any of the reasons Al-Qaeda attacked on 9/11. After all, it was his city that was attacked.”

The Crank said, “I don’t give a shit; they murdered three thousand people. Who cares about anything else?” 

You know what happens when you don’t care, don’t know, and don’t do your homework?  YOU INVADE THE WRONG COUNTRY!  But thanks for summarizing the Bush mindset in one extraordinarily short-sighted sentence.

Anger is boiling over for many staunch conservatives and there rhetoric, like Cheney’s, is disturbing. If you really hate Obama and his version of expanded executive power, then be a real American.  If you are rooting against America then take your own advice from a few short months ago.  You remember, right? When the shoe was on the other foot? Email cheneydeathsquads.com and turn yourself in.  Or, drive to your local law enforcement agency and ask for a one way ticket to Gitmo.  We’ll keep Gitmo open long enough to waterboard your sorry ass, because, it’s the right thing to do.

Here are some predictions: as aforementioned, we are heading toward an incredibly difficult period for the United States, which, when it ends, a multi-polar system will emerge (not just one superpower).  We will be struggling for many years economically, and foreign policy is going to become increasingly sucky as everything comes to a head.  Unless, of course, the Mayans are right and we go back to the Stone Age.  Now if Obama legalizes pot, which he just might, we can go back to the Stoned Age, which sounds preferable.

Furthermore, Obama will do very well with Israel and Palestine.  He is a shrewd customer and wants to appear neutral. The fully-on-Israel’s side thing has really been fun, but it doesn’t work horribly well if you want to mediate something.  Obama will skillfully handle a lot of the difficulties to come.  We have moved from a checker player to a chess player.  Of course, Obama is starting with no queen or knights, and the last rook is up to its own turret in Chinese debt, but it still should be fun to watch (from a distance, say, Mars).  He will play our last hand well, but make no mistake, it is our last hand.  And, no, that is not his fault.  So don’t get too rapped up in the particulars.  It’s all down hill from here, folks, but look on the bright side.  (See next article for the bright side, I’m going to need some time on that front.)