An Open Letter To Whomever The Fuck Is Going To Actually Be “IN CHARGE” Of The “NEW” General Motors

(And, uh, hoping its not Obamarama, ‘cause, uh, then this whole letter is a total fucking waste of my time and, of course, the readers’)
The Crank

Dear Whomever The Fuck (DWTF),

Greetings and salutations. Like I did for your buddy Sergio, let me congratulate you on assuming only the best parts of an iconic American company for free, at the taxpayer’s expense, of course, while doing the crabwalk around all the “bad” stuff. You know, like the bondholders, and companies you forced out of business by not paying for shit you bought. Great country America, isn’t it?

Let’s go over, car line by car line, just what you had, what you now have, and what you will need for the future.

Pontiac: don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Ten years of ugly small underpowered cars, and just when you get the go-ahead for a new GTO, you go to Aus-fucking-tralia!  No, let’s not build the penultimate GTO from our decades of experience in musclecardome, let’s just phone a totally forgetful one in from down under. You idiots deserve to be at home now, waitin’ fer yer bailout like the rest of us.

Saturn: with Penske as new owners, is a wait & see. That is, wait & see how long it takes old Rodger to bring them Chinese cluster-fucks to our shores.

Hummer: the devil drives a Hummer. It IS what is all wrong with America. Driving a Hummer says “I have taken advantage of, and probably crushed the hopes of many unsuspecting common folk so I can impress all of my shallow friends.”

Saab: Saab? Really, who cares!  Purchasing Saab must have been one of those, “I wanted to buy a car company, but then I got high,” kind of moments. Nope, losing those last two was a good move from any standpoint.

Chevrolet: Impala is Ted Nugent living in Steven Colbert’s body. It’s near invisible to most people, yet it’s one of the best autos to come out of the Big Bowtie in decades as far as people moving, dependability, and power vs. economy. But you forgot one thing: it needs to look like something we just might want to purchase. Malibu: please don’t fuck with it. Really. Please. Oh, and lose Cobalt. Let’s hope we all don’t go out and buy a Volt (see past diatribe on being green). Cruz looks good. Silverado is a truck. I don’t mind a few luxuries, but let’s not forget it is not for getting soccer mom’s asses to the local mall, it’s for getting large amounts of “stuff” from point A to point B. If soccer moms want to ride tall, I have a seven-foot friend who would love to accommodate. The new crossover SUV Equinox is great as is. No one really needs a full-sized SUV.  Sure they may WANT one, but they sure as hell don’t NEED one, so lose them. They are only for Hummer-ites in training. The Vette is an icon, don’t touch this (dum dum da dum, da um, da dum ). Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear said the Z06 was just like a Ferrari, but the air conditioning worked, it rode better, and was 100k cheaper! The new Camaro looks great, but let’s see how it’s made.

GMC: uh, you already make trucks in Chevy. (Come over here and turn around so I can hit you in the back of the head.) Re-badging is what got you into the steaming compost heap you now find yourself. Let’s not go there again now, eh dorks. Lose GMC. We dun nid no stinkin rebadges. (I know, I’m sorry.  It’s Mikko’s influence.)

Buick: The problem with Buick, for a decade it’s been synonymous with old people. Here in Arizona, every fall we have what we call the, “Annual March of the Driverless Buicks.” It’s when all the short old people drive back in force to Sun City for the winter. You can almost set your watch to it. It’s kind of like the birds of Capistrano on ludes.  There are more ’97 to ’04 LeSabres, Centuries, and Park Avenues per capita than any other car on the planet in the Sun City area.  Let’s figure out why:

  1. Dependable: The 3.8 V6 is almost bullet proof. It will run on pee, or beer. I know this for fact. Miller is beer and pee, which might sound tempting, but don’t try it.
  2. Economy: My wife’s Park Ave has 164k on it and regularly gets 25 – 27 MPG.
  3. Room: All that out of a car a block long that seats six REAL people, seven if they have blue hair, and you can still fit five bodies in the trunk. That’s all of the members of Chicago and Lynard Skynard, dead or alive.
  4. Ease of service: Almost anyone on the planet with a fucking wrench can service a 3.8. (except Mikko, but that’s another story).
  5. Ride:like a magic carpet. Total isolation. Like playing a giant video game from the comfort of your Barkalounger.

Look, we old people need cars too, and my fat beige ass don’t want no mo “excitement” or “feel of the road.” I’m willing to slip on that car condom at this point. Tight handling, who cares? How many boxes of Krispy Kremes fit in the trunk? Can I get in it without being double-fucking jointed? If I hit something, will there be anything left for the Jaws of Life to extract? Will it get out of its own way on a regular basis? And can I do all of the above while passing the occasional gas station? These are things I give a shit about. The Buicks did this. Notice I said DID! In 2005 they figured, let’s make them smaller, heavier, less efficient, so the younger people will buy them. Duh, well, not so much. There is room for BOTH. Make the new 2010 Chinese design Lacrosse (known in China as Racrosse) for the young, and bring back the LeSabre for the rest of us. The new Lacrosse is great looking, the best vision for a Buick in a century (pardon the pun).  Let’s just see if I can get in and out of one.

Cadillac: I had a ’94 Sedan DeVille. 300 horse V8 front wheel drive. The best kept secret in Detroit. Fast as hell, blew away nearly everything from the stoplight. With all that weight on the drive wheels, I used to pass 4WD trucks stuck in the snow. It was what Mikko called the “Meadowlands Edition,” complete with the six body trunk (which could fit all of the Back Street Boys and still had enough room for most of Barney Frank). I put nearly 200k on it in 10 years at a total cost of gas, oil, tires, brakes, and about $800.00.  I had Vanity Plates that read “CRUZSHIP.” I miss that car. My very own “fat assed Caddy” as the NYPD called them, but that’s also another story. Anyway, today it’s all about the CTS; really nice car for the younger crowd. It has single handedly saved Caddy’s ass. The CTS-V was called the best American car ever by James May on Top Gear. It annihilates all its competition and can still conveniently dispose of the bodies. The new wagon version will be a killer, as will the new crossover SUV coming that’s based on it.

Escalade is yesterday’s bling. It’s dead, Jim. Lose it. It’s literally the 5000 lb gorilla in the room. Today, the Escalade says, “I gots lotsa muny from bein Gangsta and I gots a 5th grade edumakashun, and a chrome handgun,” or it says, “I sold subprime ARM’s to uneducated consumers.” What you DO need to do is create a new full-sized flagship car.New from the ground up, rear wheel drive, V8, full luxo boat, with the obligatory  $ 90k price tag. Please call it FLEETWOOD.  Make Mercedes and BMW look like so much useless Kraut technology. Real luxury can be FELT, as well as seen (like boobies). More toys do NOT necessarily equal true luxury (tassels come to mind).

One final note, Mr. WTF, please take note of the main problem facing Ford. Their problem? Well, unbeknownst to the Green police in the Government, the F150 TRUCK still outsells everything they got, as well as some Toyotas. With C.A.F.E going to 30+ MPG, it’s a problem brought on by our own Government, cause they tink dat we da peeps caint be trusted wif impowtant desishuns. We dead dinosaur lovers are not all dead yet. We just need representation, one with a very loud voice, and maybe, just maybe, a tight ass, and some perky boobies. I do believe just such a person has recently made herself available.

Goomis E. Kyaam

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