Discord Designates Cheney Enemy Combatant

Mick Zano

Washington, DC – Sometimes when you dismantle the rule of law and then give up the One Ring to another group, problems arise.  This is the case for former Vice President Dick Cheney.  Rooting for another attack against the homeland can easily find Cheney on the darkside of his own brand of politique. Our CIA director, Leon ‘Death Squad’ Panetta, feels that Dick Cheney wants to see another attack on the US, probably to assure that we stay sufficiently afraid, vigilant, and demented.

Panetta’s quote: “It’s almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it’s almost as if he’s wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point.”

It is hard to take advantage of lawlessness, but, in this case, what the hell? Based on this flimsy evidence, but clearly enough proof under Bush Law, the Daily Discord has decided to charge Cheney’s own secret death squads to bring the aged douchebag into custody.  Since he can easily be deemed an enemy combatant at this point, he is no longer available for legal council.  He will be picked up on US soil in the middle of the night, detained without due process, and shipped to Syria for some good old fashioned torture.  He will then be sent back to Gitmo for some good old fashioned nuanced torture: walling, stress positions, forced nudity, cold confinement, and waterboarding.  Er…in his case the prison guards have requested we go a little easy on the forced nudity.

Who knew that dismantling the rule of law could be so much fun?

Cheney is not alone.  There remains a disturbing ideology in this country.  Many real Americans, the twenty percent still locked into the neo-conservative bubble of non-reality, have made the easy transition to enemies of the state.  And here they said it was me.  They coroneted a king (which I tried to say at the time was a bad idea) and now they want to succeed when the next king is not to their liking.  If they haven’t reached the height of stupidity, they’re certainly scratching at stupidity’s whiskers.  The neo-cocoon was much more comfortable with Bush. You know, when the Constitution and the economy were being obliterated?  Sure Obama is following Cheney’s lead.  Halliburton?  Wuss. Obama’s going to purchase the automotive industry outright and all of our banks to boot (even the two solvent ones).  You should be excited about this. Obama is showing some testicular fortitude, the kind of stuff that makes real Americans start singing the National Anthem. 

This neo-cocoon disconnect remains a viable obstacle.  Reason has no place in the discourse (kind of like the libertards).

During a recent discussion with the Crank, I said, “Remember when Ron Paul relayed to the Republican Convention the reasons why Al-Qaeda attacked us and he was booed?  I can’t believe Guiliani didn’t even know any of the reasons Al-Qaeda attacked on 9/11. After all, it was his city that was attacked.”

The Crank said, “I don’t give a shit; they murdered three thousand people. Who cares about anything else?” 

You know what happens when you don’t care, don’t know, and don’t do your homework?  YOU INVADE THE WRONG COUNTRY!  But thanks for summarizing the Bush mindset in one extraordinarily short-sighted sentence.

Anger is boiling over for many staunch conservatives and there rhetoric, like Cheney’s, is disturbing. If you really hate Obama and his version of expanded executive power, then be a real American.  If you are rooting against America then take your own advice from a few short months ago.  You remember, right? When the shoe was on the other foot? Email cheneydeathsquads.com and turn yourself in.  Or, drive to your local law enforcement agency and ask for a one way ticket to Gitmo.  We’ll keep Gitmo open long enough to waterboard your sorry ass, because, it’s the right thing to do.

Here are some predictions: as aforementioned, we are heading toward an incredibly difficult period for the United States, which, when it ends, a multi-polar system will emerge (not just one superpower).  We will be struggling for many years economically, and foreign policy is going to become increasingly sucky as everything comes to a head.  Unless, of course, the Mayans are right and we go back to the Stone Age.  Now if Obama legalizes pot, which he just might, we can go back to the Stoned Age, which sounds preferable.

Furthermore, Obama will do very well with Israel and Palestine.  He is a shrewd customer and wants to appear neutral. The fully-on-Israel’s side thing has really been fun, but it doesn’t work horribly well if you want to mediate something.  Obama will skillfully handle a lot of the difficulties to come.  We have moved from a checker player to a chess player.  Of course, Obama is starting with no queen or knights, and the last rook is up to its own turret in Chinese debt, but it still should be fun to watch (from a distance, say, Mars).  He will play our last hand well, but make no mistake, it is our last hand.  And, no, that is not his fault.  So don’t get too rapped up in the particulars.  It’s all down hill from here, folks, but look on the bright side.  (See next article for the bright side, I’m going to need some time on that front.)

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.