New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg has received countless packages and envelopes containing everything from sugar, to Splenda, to other dangerous carcinogenic sweetners. The Department of Homeland Sugarity stated many letters were smeared with thicker substances like icing, fudge, and Boston cream. For Bloomberg the most disturbing incident involved a sweetacide bomber, who poured Mountain Dew into the Mayor’s morning coffee. As a result, the Mayor is starting an elite NCIS division (No Confection In State).

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters today, “People who are trying to get me hooked on high fructose corn syrup are going to jail. I am declaring a War on Sweetners. I believe a Jihadist sweetner cell may already be operating in the tri-state area. It’s a fat people fatwa. And if I find the bastard I’m going to suecrose them for every penny!” He then turned to a heckler and said, “Yeah, Fruc-u-tose, sir! And, for the last time, I am not going to Do the Dew, it’s not the Real Thing, and I am certainly not going to Obey My Thirst. Listen up, you roly poly junk food junkies: when you walk out of a Krispy Kreme, I’ll be there, when you smuggle a Big Gulp over the New Christy border, I’ll be there, and by gum…don’t even get me started on gum!”

Bangladesh—The site of the recent Rana Plaza collapse had a surprise visitor today. A distinguished figure, totting a bullhorn, scrambled atop the debris of the demised garment factory and gave a riveting speech. Former President George Bush received only blank stares, however, as the predominately Bengali-only speaking audience didn’t understand English, let alone Bush’s version.  

Undeterred, Bush announced to cleanup personnel and onlookers alike, “I can hear you! The rest of the world hears you! And the people—and the people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from Walmart real soon!”

The former president then started chanting U.S.A. repeatedly into the bullhorn before stumbling backward in the rubble, before disappearing into a sinkhole. All attempts to recover Mr. Bush were immediately called off due to a lack of interest.

Kidding, Bush can’t leave the country or he would immediately be arrested as a war criminal. But I’m sure he’s happily clearing brush somewhere…well, somewhere in the U.S.A! U.S.A!

Honduras—Three years ago the GOP outsourced scandal-creation to a company based out of a sex and organ-trafficking sweatshop in an area of Honduras known as the Badlands. The GOP is not happy with the quality of the scandals they’re receiving, nor the quantity. Yesterday the largest creator of imaginary scandals for republicans collapsed, killing 47 workers.

House majority leader John Boehner, saddened by the news, sprang into action, “We are in daily contact with the facility’s management and every step is being taken to shift production to a more suitable location.”

When asked about the deaths, Boehner said, “They’re not Americans; am I missing something? Look, creating these scandals so far south…let’s just say, we’ve made the most political hay possible with those received, but American made Obama scandals would be more ideal—and we need em’. Hell, we’re starting to look like idiots. I don’t even understand the Benghazi thing and we paid top dollar for that crap. Then they tried to make good by selling us the IRS scandal, which has no links to the White House. We’re returning that shit. And don’t even get me started on ACORN and that birth certificate thing. That was a twofer, F#@%king Hondurans.”

The GOP’s long term goal is to pass the Affordable Scandal Act while simultaneously lowering the minimum wage so that scandal-creating factories can be successful built right here in the United States.

Granbury, TX—In a flurry of meteorological wrath, God unleashed hail, lightening, and high winds this week on predominately Republican neighborhoods as he looked on with his patented indifference.

“I don’t like the bastards,” explained God. “They’re hypocrites. Don’t say you’re doing shit in my name when you’re doing the exact opposite.”

When God was asked about the potential for going all ‘Noah flood’ or ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’ on their asses, God replied, “Noah options are off the table.” He then laughed at his own joke, loudly. “Look, I’m not trying to be a dick about this, but I always target Tea Party and Republican neighborhoods. Square states are Darwin’s shooting range.”

When asked about ideological incompatibilities, God said, “I love Darwin, the monkey loving F&*K. But do not cut that Noah pun out, Winslow! I can still smite shit!”

When asked about the fairness of targeting entire towns for the poor behavior of a few, God said, “Sure you’re going to get some liberal collateral damage. There are known knowns, things we know that we know, known unknowns, Hah! Damn I miss Rumsfeld. Shame he’s heading south. Truth be told, I don’t really care for people in general. I believe I made that clear in the Old Testament.”

As an omnipotent being, God’s Rumsfeld quote makes little sense in the context of….Aaaaaaah!!

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama delivered a speech today republicans are calling a brand of Nixonian Marxism not seen since Jimmy Carter—which, granted, doesn’t make any sense. Obama swaggered up to the teleprompter with a martini in one hand and the Communist Manifesto in the other and sung the Canadian national anthem in Kenyan. That’s not what disturbed people; he wasn’t wearing any pants.

“For four years I’ve read about my imaginary scandals,” slurred Obama. “I read headline after MFing Drudge headline about atrocities I never got around to committing. I was well behaved, bitches! Since I’m not running again, shits about to get real. From here on out I’m going to wiretap shit, drone strike shit, and even drone strike shit while I’m wiretapping shit. Remember, this was all made possible by patriotic people such as yourselves.”

Obama laughed, “Oh, and It was my idea to have the IRS target Tea Baggers. They’re kind of douchey, so it seemed fitting. And as for Benghazi, yes, we’ve been trying to paint a very different picture of what happened there: a group of Libyans, who love America as much as anyone, accidentally overran our embassy and killed everybody with glitter and bunnies…glitter and MFing bunnies, people!” The President then threw up a little bit.

“Okay, I admit they don’t really like us much. But they have their reasons. I am the President of the United States after all, so I personally have to bang most countries economically up the ass every morning before breakfast. It’s on my agenda. As it turns out, they don’t always like that. Heh, heh. Your turn Americuh’. Ask not who you can screw for your country…oh, and I have a drea…I mean, a drone!”

The Obama Administration plans to start handing out KY Jelly with each tax form, which they feel will help “the process” in something they’re calling Operation Lubrinflation.

Washington, DC—The Neil Armstrong statue at Purdue University is being hauled away to be sold as scrap metal in an effort to “keep the lights on” claimed former astronaut and current NASA board member, Sally Ride.

“We tried a lot of other cost cutting measures first, scrapping the shuttle program, scrapping any future projects, and even closing our salad bar,” said Ride. “Hell, we don’t even get glossy pictures back from the Hubble anymore and soon we’re going black and white only.”

NASA’s brochure now reads, “Hey, most of space is black and white anyway, right?”

The Carl Sagan Memorial in Ithaca is also being targeted for some gold trim in the modest obelisk’s surface designs. “We wish there were more Sagan statues,” said Ride. “We’d need a billion of ‘em,” she said before laughing uncontrollably at her own joke.

As for their Rover Program, NASA is also cutting Opportunity loose. “It costs a lot of money to get messages back and forth from Mars every day and, frankly, we’ve used up all of our minutes this month anyway,” said Ride. “Maybe it can find what’s left of its counterpart, Spirit, and finally settle down in a nice crater somewhere. We’re not paying their pensions, though. Screw that shit.”

For the Discord’s really inappropriate rover coverage click here.

South Bend, IN—Eda Piersly made some very hot coffee one morning and, due to a combination of a wasp and a train whistle, spilled most of it onto her lap. Burned, angry, and American, she desperately needed someone to blame. Driven by vengeance and menopause, she turned to the Yellow Pages. Eda has yet to master The Google, although she is internet savvy enough to consider The Daily Discord a “liberal rag”.

She explained her situation to a local lawyer, Stephen Smith, and recounted to him her gruesome tale of 2nd degree thigh burns. Mr. Smith, not prepared to go to Washington, explained how her original idea to sue the wasp had no legal precedent, but due to the brand of coffee in question he had an idea. Mrs. Piersly is officially suing the fictional Columbian coffee farmer, Juan Valdez, and later added, “And his little F&^%ing donkey too!”

The National Federation of Coffee Growers in Columbia explained that, Conchita, is actually a mule and offered to settle out of court for one bag of 100% Columbian coffee and one baggie of 100% Columbian cocaine.

Mrs. Piersly responded by raising her pinkie to the side of her mouth and saying, “The letters from my lawyer will continue unless you pay me one bajillion dollars!” Her statement was then followed by some sinister Mwah hah hah-style laughing.

Longbeach Township, NJ—Governor Chris Christie explained to reporters his idea to build a 127-mile sand bar off the coast of New Jersey to act as a natural barrier to protect his state from the next superstorm. To appease Republicans he’s calling it the Liberty Sand Bar & Grill.

Many residents fear the dune will become a boardwalk. To these critics Christie said, “I have no interest in building anything other than a dune. I don’t want to build a road, I don’t want to build a shower, I don’t want to build a hut.” He then recited the second half of Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham, adlibbing at times with gems like, “I will not build it in a ditch, I will not build it on some bitch. I will not build a dock or tram, I’m not building shit, so F^&%ing scram!”

According to witnesses, the Governor then turned green, picked up the nearest vehicle, and hurled into an adjacent building.

After calming down, he recited part of Churchill’s speech, “We will fight storms on the beaches, and the landing grounds, yada yada.” He then later warned, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t vote for me when I’m angry.”

Manhasset, NY—Late last night, water crystallized in the freezer of one, Jack Stellar.

“It happened almost overnight,” said Stellar, “as if someone didn’t shut the freezer door properly.”

When asked, the 37 year old, live-alone bachelor had no idea who that someone might be.

The next morning the situation became so dire that closing the freezer door became next to impossible.  Stellar described his freezer as resembling an “arctic ice cave.” Mr. Stellar told reporters several food items are now hopelessly entombed in a fortress of frozen water.

“There’s a Ben & Jerry’s in there,” said Stellar.  “I’m not sure what’s going to happen to it.  No one is giving me any answers.  Luckily the ice cube trays were already empty, or this could have been much worse.” 

Stellar reports mounting several expeditions into the freezer today, but he only managed to bend several spoons, most irreparably.

When asked if he had learned anything from this mishap, Stellar said, “Yeah, don’t call 911. Even the fate of a perfectly good Cherry Garcia is apparently not deemed an emergency by crisis personnel.”

Matt Drudge and Fox News are already jumping on the incident and calling it yet another blow to the theory of Global Warming.   Al Gore was unavailable for comment.

Washington, DC—All five living presidents attended the opening of the George W. Bush library to what our 43rd President called his new “liberrasey”, which was so badly pronounced even after several attempts Microsoft Word remained suggestionless. 

Bush then added, “The whole liberry thing is mostly scratch-and-sniff and you can talk anywhere you want, even in the quiet sections, because of my ongoing dedication to freedom.”

The Library is complete with a Torture wing, an Unnecessary War wing, and a How to End the American Dream Wing. “And, no, I’m not sorry about anything,” added Bush. “Heck, that’s a wing too!”

An exact replica of Rodin’s The Thinker, only with Bush’s sculpted face, greets arriving visitors. These areas are all displayed to the stunning backdrop of larger-than-life size images of Bush “decid’n stuff” in the background. On the overhead speakers blares a breathtaking rendition of My Pet Goat, just as George Bush recited it to children on 9/11 as lower Manhattan and the Pentagon burned.

The Bush Library is already being sued by the ACLU for actions they consider “unbecoming of a library.” There are strict rules listed on the back of each library card warning visitors that any failure to return material could result in heavy fines, deportation, or even enhanced Dewey Decimal techniques banned by the Geneva Conventions.

“This is my shit,” said Bush. “Paid for by people just like you…well, of the dumb variety, heh, heh. Treat my shit with respect and enjoy the freedom all my decisioning made possible.”