You have to love the neocons. No really, it’s going to be a law soon. Sure Trump’s foreign policy is all over the map, but let’s hope his military aspirations won’t be. I’ve never been a huge fan of our neocons and it’s curious why a group without any clear victories since WWII remains so confident. Their ability to flourish minus any actual positive feedback is legendary. They are like the tardigrades of the political world, tiny mindless soldiers who can thrive even in the icy void of space. The more hawkish side of republicana represents the last gasp of the rightwing intelligentsia, for whatever that’s worth. Sure the Goldbergs, Kristols and Krauthammers always represented the conservative ‘adults in the room’, but it doesn’t make them any less dangerous. Bill Kristol, an affable well-spoken type, always had military interventions on speed dial. His Weekly Standard just tanked, but before his neoconservative rag joined the choir invisible he floated the idea of regime change in China. No joke. I guess when your ideology is heading for a big fall, you might as well go out with a nuclear winter. In their defense, we can’t just have the best military in the world hanging behind the 7-11, right? We’d need a bigger Gulp.
Beto O’Rourke has yet to announce his 2020 presidential bid, but he has officially released part of the results of a political ancestry test. Mr. O’Rourke is apparently 15% Elizabeth Warren. O’Rourke has remained silent on the rest of his genetic make up, calling it, “Mostly junk DNA.” This move is not polling well with likely voters, however, as one woman from El Paso said, “I have the right to know if he’s got a little Bernie in him. Sanders genes would share way too much genetic material with any old RNA. Candidates should not get to pick and choose; they should release their entire political heritage. On that note, I’m hoping Cory Booker is mostly Michael Bloomberg.” Mr. O’Rourke is unphased by the wave of criticism and plans to travel the country next month shaking hands and kissing babies. He hopes this will emphasize the stark contrast between himself and the current president, who prefers to shake babies and kiss MILFS.
Tweet Tower—The White House is viewing North Korean President Kim Jong Un’s recent present as a “positive diplomatic development”, despite the controversial nature of the gift itself. The Supreme Leader of NK sent the White House a Speak & Spell, which the president seems to “really be enjoying in lieu of any and all intelligence briefings and his usual presidential duties.”
A new pill is now on the marked designed to help memory, focus, and general cognitive function. Throw out your ginkoba and that shit made from jellyfish testicles, because there’s a new smart pill in town designed to make you the next Jeopardy champion on your block. Polls suggest that those who took the pill for thirty days straight saw a huge improvement in our view of them as people. It is also believed to markedly improve attention to detail and improve attention to detail. Most our customers have gone on to become quantum physicists, win the Nobel Peace prize, or win the Nobel Peace Prize in quantum physics while winning Jeopardy. The price tag for a mega-improved brain is not cheap and, due to dosage concerns, it’s out of reach for most Republican households.
Immigration reform is a problem that deserves a solution and one that keeps us safe and reflects our values at our border towns, brothels, and beyond—not to mention those bathroom stores. Here’s where I agree with my friend and blogvesary: a liberal plan for border security is empty if Dems aren’t serious about comprehensive immigration reform. Some of their hesitancy is, no doubt, tied to a lack of political will for fear of alienating voters. And this is where our agreement begins and ends. Everything else the right side of the aisle is the usual blend of bloviational hyperbole and methane (BHM). Amplifartcation? Lest we forget how Republican reform, not immigration reform, is the number one issue on the docket. But here’s a breakdown of the problem and the solution:
Flagstaff, AZ—On the heels of the Buzzfeed debacle and after a Limony Snickets level of bad reporting, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has turned his soulless eye toward the antics of the The Daily Discord. Despite the fact our own website’s wrongdoing remains clouded in the Special Counsel’s nebulous draconian secrecy, Rachel Maddow spent twenty five awkward minutes covering the story. For this feature, which arrived with next to no information, she danced entirely around two of the only three non-redacted words in the entire court document. She would not utter the words ‘midget porn’ or ‘with a melon’ on prime time television, so her entire segment focused on the words ‘beer pong’ and its tortured link to the Russia probe. Many, including this reporter, found her Maddowmandering, “even more excruciating than usual.” The piece was so annoying, three out of four Discord staffers are believed to have switched to Hannity’s America.
Chicagoland—The polar vortex is causing artic winds to dip into the heartland and further destroy the average Minnesotans chances of meeting someone this January. The President has declared his marriage a state of emergency and is using the excuse to shut the government down again, so he can head to Mar a Lago for some golf and hookers #NotInThatOrder.
Tweet Tower—The government shutdown may be over, but the battle for Capitol Hill over the State of the Union address is just beginning. The scheduled speech is approaching and a standoff between the president and the Speaker of the House looms large. Despite the Federal Government resuming its operations, Speaker Pelosi is maintaining her position that the White House should deliver SOTU somewhere else. Her office made several recommendation for a more appropriate venue such as Chucky Cheese’s, Motel 6, or DC’s labyrinth-like sewer system. President Trump has also ratcheted up is rhetoric on twitter: “Maybe I’ll just show up, Nancy. I have the military. I have the Secret Service. You’ve got, like, what, two dudes? We can take them out in, like, two seconds What are you going to do about it? #TakingTheHill!!” Speaker Pelosi has since reached out to the headmaster of Hogwarts Academy for Wizards for protection.
Tweet Tower—President Trump is pleased to announce his donation brick challenge is already netting some hard results, literally. Bricks from brick-heads all over the heartland are arriving at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the hopes of one day helping to keep dangerous murderers and rapists from entering the United States illegally. Recently the president reached directly to his concrete base to ask them to send him individually donated wall bricks with an emphasis on trying to get their Mexican neighbors to pay for them. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders told reports today, “The president couldn’t be happier with the Mexican bricks arriving in the mail. We are especially happy to receive any bricks not shipped via Amazon. The White House is also excited to announce Ivanka’s new “She’s a Brick House” women’s apparel line as well as Scott Baio’s new Jethro Tull collaboration, Thick as a Scott Baio.
Tweet Tower—After President Trump’s recent proposal to end the government shutdown failed to budge key Democrats, the president has called for an emergency meeting with all the best actors who have portrayed presidents in film. Our commander in chief understands the very real tension between himself and the majority of Hollywood, but in a presidential tweet he implored them to set aside their difference for the ‘greater great’. Trump asked each of them in the midst of this self-induced crisis to discuss the very real role he must play in the days and weeks to come. The president tweeted: I know some of you don’t get how great I am, but this is important!! And there’s still McDonald’s leftovers from that Clemson thing! #McLeftovers.