Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

After Rash Of Airport Incidents Skynet To Release Drone Terminating Drone

Tweet TowerThis year has seen a marked increase in the illegal drone presence at and around our airports. Many citizens are also upset by an expanding fleet of private drones that continue to encroach on our personal privacy at beaches, pools and naked Dungeons & Dragons marathons. Moved to Friday, gang! Shortly after the two day drone siege of London’s Gatwick airport, the White House is finally addressing this global problem. President Donald Trump has used his Art of the Deal prowess to finalize an agreement between Skynet and the Trump Organization. The Donald believes this arrangement is win win, and by ‘win win’ he means “for myself and my family.” The president told the press today, “I made a deal with the best people over at Skynet! The best people!! Illegal drones are history, HISTORY!! #Trumpinated.” Despite the benign sounding business agreement, The Discord has discovered the secret involvement of many other key global players in this endeavor, such as, but not limited to: Umbrella Corp, Soylent Corp, Koch Industries, Beelzebub Global, Monsanto, Rio Tinto, The Backstreet Boys, American Cyanimide, MomCorp, GeneCo, Multi-National United, Mordor LLC, Dante Laboratories, SCOTUS, LexCorp, Tyrell Corporation, Veidt Industries, The National Rifle Association, Blackwater, Abstergo Industries, The London Symphony Orchestra, KAOS, Chick Fil A, LexCorp, Biffco, Alternate Street Parking, Biffco again…

White House Offering New Staffers Choice Of Very Own Free Range Lawyer

Tweet Tower—The White House has remained woefully understaffed throughout President Trump’s first term and, since legal jeopardy is rising for cabinet and staff members alike, the president has proposed an innovative solution. Anyone who accepts a position with the administration will now get to hand select their own personal free-range attorney directly from the White House lawn. The Trump Administration hopes this new perk will increase the number of applicants, which have recently fallen to slightly below zero. In related news, the HR director is unavailable for comment and is facing significant jail time.

American Flags To Be Flown At Half-Staff As Default “To Save Time”

Tweet Tower—The White House announced that all flags in the U.S. are to be flown at half-staff as the default position until further notice. President Trump told the press today, “With all the constant illegal immigration activities, rats, shootings, rat shootings, witch hunts, and even rat shooting witch hunts, the flag will be flown at half-staff all the time. I only have half the normal staff to run this dump, so it’s fitting. The flag can be returned to the usual way up high position when I say so. This will be easier than all that up and down for every shooting, misstep, tragedy, or important guy kicking the bucket. Eventually I might have the flag raised or lowered based on my mood, you know, when I get laid, acquitted, whatever.”

The Discord Would Like To Apologize For The Following Discord Apology

Many of our readers are wondering how this website has gone from bad to worse over the years. I, as CEO, blame the inability of our marketing committee to raise enough funding for a functional Donate button. Next step, the creation of a Go Fund Me page to raise the money to create an on-site Donation button. More to come on that matter, but we are working diligently on this problem. Meanwhile, our recent article Where Is The Femdom Caucus Now? should have read ‘Freedom’ Caucus. We also apologize for the unfortunate direction our Photoshop team chose to take this misguided directive. We have removed the offensive image from the site and created an office dart board with it. Zano took a copy of it into the rest room for half an hour. I don’t know what’s up with that…OK, yes I do. Anyway, last week’s article Alien Ghost of Chiliean Found in Bowl in Mexico, should have been Ghost Chili Found in Mexican Illegal-Alien’s Bowl. This mistake caused a bit of panic south of the border—thankfully just the glorified gift shop in South Carolina, not the country.

Trump, Mexico, And The Hutts Mull Deal To Freeze Asylum Seekers In Carbonite

Tweet Tower—A senior staffer claims President Trump is exploring the idea of setting up carbonite storage facilities along the U.S.-Mexico border to deal with the current immigration problems. In this way asylum seekers can be frozen and stored until such a time as another president from the future, who might actually give a shit, can thaw them for final processing. Mexico is believed to be intrigued by the idea as well, but is pushing to have the facilitates located on the U.S. side of the border.

Dessert Choice At Brexit Summit Sparks Outrage

Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.

Black Friday Matters? Gunman Kills Two, Wounds Four, But Saves Hundreds On Samsung Flatscreen

Paramus, NJ—A man is in custody at this hour after being declared the winner of the Garden State Plaza Mall Shop-n-Shoot contest. After a rampage that cost two people their lives and injured several others, Gus Stahl of Maywood, NJ landed a great deal at Best Buy. He made several purchases that likely made gunmen shoppers across the country jealous. Dylan Klebold, of Columbine fame, said, “There were several other Black Friday incidents across the country yesterday, but this guy gets my vote, well, if I could vote. He was a professional. He got in, he got out, no fuss, no muss, and he saved a shit-ton of money. There’s a guy in Delaware who used way more bullets for some Beats. Seriously, dude? Headphones? You’re going to kill a bunch of people and save like, what, fifty bucks? You people make me sick.”

Quantum Psychologist Suggests Height Of CA Smoke Plume Topped Size Of Trump’s Ego

Paradise, CA—A controversial study was published today in The Lancet by Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Coin Op Laundry. Data from the self-proclaimed ‘quantum psychologist’ suggests the height of the smoke plumes from the recent devastating wildfires in California topped that of the average size of Donald Trump’s ego for a brief period of time between the hours of 7:15AM and 9:28AM PST Sunday, November, 17. The White House has thus far refused to comment on the controversial piece of peer reviewed research, which may only further the psychologist’s claim.

In Historic Reversal Turkey Pardons Trump!

Tweet Tower—One of the two presidentially pardoned turkeys is back in the news today. A day after their pardoning ceremony, one of the turkeys, Peas, sent a short and pointed note to the president. After the Feds determined the white powder on the envelope was only meth, the note was handed to President Trump. In a gesture of good faith, Peas is pardoning the president for his hair, his fam, and “that meaningless Trump U degree he received in 2007.” Peas would also like to give a big shout out to those tofurkey people!

Dolphin Shot Dead On CA Beach: Orca Wanted For Questioning

Manhattan Beach, CA—A dolphin is dead after being gunned down on a southern California beach earlier today. Witnesses of the incident claim that the dolphin was trying to avoid a pod of orcas by intentionally beaching itself when one of the orcas rose out of the water and fired a burst of shots at the flailing sea mammal. This opens a grim new chapter to the aquatic gun rights problem, as orcas can legally carry firearms in U.S. waters, just as anything else with fins, gills and feathers.