Tweet Tower—President Trump assured the country today that his rambly and often inappropriate executive tweets will continue, regardless of his condition. POTUS, along with several of his key aides, has successfully created a series of tweets ahead of time. These will be posted at random intervals should the president become incapacitated by his present illness. Vice President Mike Pence said, “Some of these tweets were created ahead of time by the president himself, but in an algorithm fashion so he can continue to comment regardless of who won the big match, or even the outcome of my upcoming vice presidential debate with Kamala Harris. There’s also a Halloween tweet that pokes fun at a Hillary Clinton mask, ha ha ha #LockHerUp. And, of course, there are some more Sleepy Joe tweets, and who could resist a few Pocahontas quips? Not this president. Even more exciting, new Twitter technologies made possible the creation of a Trump Tweet Generator that pieces together a hodgepodge of insults and capitalized words from existing tweets. These contain all the exclamation points, giant caps, and grammar mistakes that you’ve come to expect from this president. In this way, he can continue to tweet important messages directly to his follower for many years to come, regardless of his recovery or his condition #PostedDeadOrAlive.”

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Shortly into the first presidential debate between President Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, it became painfully clear the president had words scrawled across his right hand. Has the president taken a page from Sarah Palin’s similar hijinx in 2008? Is this more of her handiwork, pardon the pun? Palin was believed to have cheated herself in a similar manner during her own Vice Presidential debate back in 2008 …with the same person. I don’t believe in coincidences and neither does anyone in my family, which might just be a coincidence. Palin is denying claims she coached the president to use crib notes in tonight’s debate and is downplaying the timing of her odd challenge to primary Senator Lisa Murkowski in Alaska. Was this an intentional red herring? Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said, “This is a new low for Trump. Kidding. We would need digging equipment that has yet to be invented for that. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) added, “In Trump’s defense, the five words scrawled on his hands were all spelled correctly. He must have had help #Grammerly.”

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Tweet Tower—The Head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, Head HUDder Ben Carson told reporters today, “HUD vows to protect the president’s home and avoid any premature executiviction. No one wants to see the president homeless.  We’re calling this initiative our POTUS Eviction Prevention Program. It’s not just the president, his entire extended family uses this place like a cheap motel. Could you imagine if Eric and Don Jr. were left to their own devices? They’re simply not ready. The entire Trump clan must remain on that property, perhaps indefinitely. So we at HUD are doing our part by extending our moratorium on all real estate removals from the White House until 2028. We’re already colluding with Russia on this one as part of Operation Stay Putin.”

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Tweet Tower—The Department of Homeland Security in conjunction with the US Postal Service unveiled their plot to both suppress voting in key districts as well as to regain control of our city streets from liberal mobs. Over one hundred thousand confiscated postal boxes have thus far been refitted as weaponized peacekeepers and deployed to liberal cities currently protesting Black Lives Matter. The White House has dubbed this Operation Going Postal and the president is calling it “win win.” In an executive tweet, the president said, “These same postal boxes that lazy people use to vote, and they’re very lazy people, can now disperse those same liberals on those long lines at the polling stations in November.” The president claims to have gotten the idea from an old Dr. Who rerun. Trump said, “I was watching this show and thought to myself, I don’t like the Who, or any doctor at the Who, but I do like those crazy little things trying to kill him. And that’s when it hit me.”

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Nutley, NJ—Beloved Planters’ mascot, Mr. Peanut, is wanted at this hour after a wild rampage through downtown Nutley injured a number of maskless anti-peanut protestors. Investigators now fear that Mr. Peanut did not act alone and the intelligence community is exploring the existence of a number of ‘Planter Cells’ waiting to be spread across the country’s breadbasket. In an executive tweet, the president condemned the attack, “Peanuts could already be in our pantries, our cafeterias, and even in those little bowls at our local bars. But DON”T PANIC!! We’ll arrest them in a Jif! #SkippyTownNutjob.” One witness told The Discord, “They’ve always been nuts, so why didn’t anyone see this coming?”

[‘Stop pulling my legume’ joke removed by the editor.]

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Minneapolis, MN–Images of violent protesters not adhering to CDC-guidelines across the country has cast these arsonists and looters in an unnecessarily dark light. In an effort to both continue displaying their animosity toward local police and yet remain safe from COVID, the leaders of this nebulous mob have agreed to burn down only every other structure, a concession they feel is a suitable compromise “to burn and  break shit responsibly.“

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Tweet Tower–Second quarter employment numbers are expected to rise considerably after Twitter announced the hiring of 72K new employees to fact check the president in real time. Twitter is optimistic the new workforce, dedicated entirely to the president’s twitter account, can keep flagging falsehoods tweeted as they appear. The president is reportedly happy about unemployment numbers but outraged by the actions of the social media platform’s targeting of his own account. He vows to bring down “#you’re fired and fury” on the company, and warned, “Remember what happened to MySpace after they pissed me off? And that was when I was just a citizen crime boss, not a president crime boss.”

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