Washington, DC – After reviewing Bin Laden’s latest attempt at relevancy, September’s National Intelligence Estimate report concludes that he is “still an asshole”.  The NIE also warns America that Nancy Pelosi is a scary, scary woman up close.  Combine these two events in the same month and you have the first National Threat Level hike since Barney Frank’s You Tube Sex Tape release.

“Thankfully, this is not that serious,” said Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano, who, upon viewing the Frank tape, commented, “I will never be able to look at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man the same way again.”

When asked if the picture of Pelosi, depicted above, might reverse the President’s decision to gut missile defense in Eastern Europe, Napolitano responded, “Missile defense whatsas?” 

Washington, DC – President Obama has unveiled his decision to appoint 12-year old Carla Pedersen from Des Moines, IA, to the position of FEMA Czar.

“Janet Napolitano is going to have to share her power with an outstanding young adult, who I am honored to have aboard team Obama.”

Troop leader, Mrs. Nancy, had this to say, “Carla is a star pupil.  She aced everything from survival skills to knot tying, and, despite the recession, her cookie sales remain high.”

When Obama was asked if the Girl Scouts organization could really prepare someone for such a critical position, the President replied, “They’re doing a heck of job, Brownies.”

When no one laughed, Obama continued.  “Look, she couldn’t do any worse than Katrina.”

Katrina, an 11 year old from Ohio, chose this moment to breakdown in tears.

“Besides,” continued Obama, “adolescents have an unemployment rate over 25%.  This will help .0001 percent.  And this is hopefully the first of many such child czars.”

Obama dismissed his critics and claimed he would keep ‘Scouting’ for new talent.

“Besides,” added Obama, “old people didn’t vote for me, so fuck’em.  Now, if you will excuse me, it’s craft time.” 

Some are concerned about handing an integral section of our Homeland Security Department over to an unqualified child.  President Obama also seems oblivious to the inherent pressure child Czars face these days.  Conspiracy theorists believe Obama’s out-of-control Czaring practices begs a reinterpretation of the movie 2010 A Space Odyssey.  The phrase, if read correctly, becomes It’s all filled with Czars, which proves, at the very least, this Discord staffer needs to find a productive hobby.

Washington, DC – During President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday, South Carolina Republican congressman Joe Wilson blurted out “YOU LIE!”. The outburst, described by Wilson as “spontaneous”, was apparently in response to Obama’s announcement that the new nationalzed health care plan will not cover treatment for Tourettes syndrome. After the session, Wilson contacted the Whitehouse and apologized for what he called “innappropriate and regrettable” comments.

Wilson also added “Bitch! Whuuuuup! Chirp! Chirp! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

Faard, ID – Farmers in rural Idaho announced the discovery of the ultimate all-natural breast implants.

Local spokesperson, Knut Feelcopper, had this to say, “We have grown the perfect breasts, the Shroom Boobs.”

Feelcopper and his minions spent months testing these fungus-based boobies on several intern’s undisclosed locations.

“These breast augmentatas are perfectly safe and are known for their realistic feel and shape,” said Feelcopper. “Many worked late into the night, often to the chagrin of their wives, on these non-toxic nature titties.  Such fond mammarys. We call our growing area the ‘field of creams’, because the Shroom Boobs actually lactate and, er, I’d rather not say the other reason.”

Apparently, the longer they grow, the larger they get.  They come in sizes named after celebrities, ranging from the week-old Keira Knightly model to the six month old Pamela Anderson variety. Talk about a shroom with a view! 

Here’s the Feelcopper pitch: Instead of just being the perfect tit, for only $22 you can have the perfect tit.  But wait, there’s more!  If you order now, we’ll toss off the second Shroom Boob free!  For those more adventurous, try the Tripping Hippy Shroom Boob.  Just chew on our psychedelic nipples and knockers down those perky doors of perception.  Ask your plastic surgeon if Shroom Boobs are right for you.  If all else fails, they make a great soup (no milk necessary). 

Farmer Feelcopper wants you to be on the lookout for his upcoming Assparagus line, his Chia-Tits line, and his extremely controversial eggplant parmedongs, all coming soon to a produce section near you! 

Nowhere, AZ – Look, when Elvis died I understood all of the hoopla.  After all, he was The King.  In fact, he was more than that, he was the once and future King.  The guy destined to return when the land is in most need of sequins.  The Presley Priests remain in their traditional garb all across the Vegas strip in anticipation of the return of the King.  Elvis Presley deserved his following and he deserved the media frenzy associated with his tragic, but less than dignified, demise (but I think he should have killed Lancelot for what he did to Queen Priscilla of the Desert).  Now Jackson on the other hand… If I have to sit through one more Jacko, fashion is dead, freak-show hell-montage as the cable experts enlighten me on the latest developments…UGG.  It makes me want to shoot my face off.  I did it!  I killed him. I made him shotgun all those Big Jug Extra forties that night.  It was a drinking game!  Arrest me already, just please get back to the Michael Vick stuff.  When famous people die, there should be a separate channel for the aftermath.  We can have old commentators prerecord all of the sappy goodness about everyone famous and then only air it after they’re both dead.  They can call it the 24 hour a day Remember These Fuckers Channel (RTFC).  I don’t want this channel anywhere near any station that I might actually want to watch (like maybe up by Comedy Central).   The news coverage should entail about five minutes when they die and maybe another five minute follow-up when we find out who done it.  You don’t see the Daily Discord going on and on and on about…OK, bad example.  But how about limiting it to one day of coverage, so I can get back to the more traditional ‘Senator sleeps with horse’ stuff that usually constitutes my evening news.  Geez.

Kabul, Afghanistan – An estimated “shit load” of Afghans turned out for elections on August 19^th, despite the inherent dangers.  However, a growing number of locals are fed up with democracy and are looking back nostalgically at Taliban rule.

“Why vote for the next American puppet?” said Abiba Azizi, pictured above. “I miss the good old days of Sharia Law.  They used to chop the heads off of gay people right in the field before sporting events.  The Taliban used to kick some of these heads around the field like soccer balls.  Oh, how I miss their carefree hijinks.”

When asked why her finger was purple if she didn’t vote, Abiba said, “This is the way my finger always looks after my husband slams it repeatedly in the door.”

When concerns were raised about her current interview without her husband’s permission, she replied, “As long as I follow strict Sharia Law, the lashings usually aren’t too bad.”

At the close of the interview, Abiba was complimented on her burkha.  She replied, “Burkha?  I’m not wearing a Burkha. I’m just a little black and blue from my last affront to Allah.”

New York, NY – Disney isn’t the only amusement park struggling these days.  Six Flags headquarters has announced their plan to downsize all existing amusement parks by “at least two flags.”  Great Adventure, located in Jackson, NJ, will be losing over 65% of its rides and will be renamed Pretty Good Adventure.  Magic Mountain in California, having lost nearly all of its magic, will be renamed Muggle Mountain.  The name was inspired by the non-magical folk of Harry Potter fame.  Sadly, the R.K. Rowling lawsuit has forced the theme park into utter and complete bankruptcy.

“I knew we should have gone with Tragic Mountain,” said CEO of Six Flags, Jack Peters.

Peters went on to announce that Hurricane Harbor in Illinois will now be renamed Gale Force Wind World.

“You will still need to hold onto your hats, folks,” says Peters.  “Just not as tightly.”

Peters’ dream of being cryogenically frozen alongside Walt Disney is slipping away faster than, as he put it, “a grease monkey on a log flume.”  The distraught CEO is pleading for a bailout so that at least his own personal golden parachute ride might still function properly as he sails into early retirement.

Washington, DC – Police questioned Rahm Emanuel shortly after the death of conservative journalist, Robert Novak, and they are now calling him a ‘Sith of interest’. Emanuel’s interview with the police only further implicated Obama’s Chief of Staff.

“Look,” said Emanuel, “sure we put the dead horse’s head in his bed, but we only wanted to scare the bastard.”

When asked at a press conference why he and several Secret Service Officers were recently questioning Novak, Emanuel replied, “He could have told me who really outed CIA operative Valerie Plame. Armitage was a fall guy. I told Novak, Plame or Pain. He chose poorly, is all, but that doesn’t mean I killed him.”

Our own Bald Tony prodded Emanuel further by asking, “Isn’t it true that a Sith Lord can cause a brain tumor similar to the one that killed Novak by manipulating the dark side of the Force?”

Emanuel dismissed the question just as our own beloved reporter crumpled into a lifeless heap. Emanuel chose to end the press conference by saying, “Who’s the Prince of Darkness now, bitch? Oh and Ozzy, watch your ass.”

In Loving Memory of the Great Bald One 2008 – 2009

He’s not quite dead….

He’s getting better….