Washington—At the onset of Joe Biden’s victory speech, to the horror of onlookers, the president-elect suddenly tore his own face off revealing the visage of Hillary Clinton! The former Secretary of State cackled wildly before shouting, “I’ll get you, my deplorables, and your little Barr too!” She then vaulted a broomstick in a snazzy blue pantsuit and flew off into the night, presumably toward 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
My friend is still a little out of the loophole with regard to Trump’s ongoing crime spree, therefore, I must, as duty dictates, return to the trenches in an attempt to enlighten the floundering republican brain. And for this noble act you may call me a Bloghisattva. What? …too much? Here’s the thing, over on FB my friend asked me to name one thing that Trump did that can be considered a crime, which is tougher than it looks …to narrow down. He then pointed to the clear D crimes over the years, a list that included Bill Clinton’s speech wherein he charged Moscow his usually speaking engagement fees, Hillary’s missing emails, and Hunter Biden’s dubious paychecks from Keiv. I suppose in opposite world these are the worst things to have happened since Benghazi. While my friend is napping, what the rest of us have learned is twofold: first off, those of a certain tax bracket seem above the law entirely, especially with regard to the tax code. Second, there’s also a significant executive cushion that is further protecting our commander and chief from legal consequences. By using these two additional safety nets a con-man has exposed our country for the banana republic that it has become. So let’s just list the clear crimes, mainly because I have to make an appearance at work sometime next week.
My friend and blogvesary responded to my last post and for that I’m grateful, mostly. But it doesn’t change the fact he’s still knee-deep in Foxal matter, oblivious to what’s coming in November. “You’re not making any sense, Zano!” I’m afraid nothing this far down the rabid hole is going to make sense to you, my friend. I do still enjoy our exchanges, but only for the same reason I keep eating ice cream despite a lactose intolerance [‘Fifty shades of sorbet’ joke removed by Tom Carvel]. Even after decades of debate, my friend still can’t acknowledge that each and every one of his ‘scandals’ had its day in court and ended with some republican judge, senator, or special prosecutor finding no crimes. You may not be aware of these conclusions, because Fox News will repeat this crap for years on end before making a smooth transition to the scroller—the moving ticker just underneath the blonde newscaster—for those inconvenient court findings. No retraction, apology, or further explanation necessary. I’d like to shove all of Fox New’s supposed journalists face-first off Trump’s ego. Anchors Away? I think for Pokey’s crusades we stand at zero indictments and counting. This is a QA-non-starter for me, and yet my friend still demands payment in full. Seek and thou shalt still fine?
Hey, gang, it’s not just Spygate that’s taking an invesitigatorial shit today, both Burisma and unmasking are also Benghaziing, as it were. Barr found no wrongdoing by Obama officials on unmasking, and per the latest Burisma report, courtesy of the republican senate, Hunter Biden’s appointment on the Ukrainian energy company during his father’s veep gig was “awkward” and “problematic,” yet it never influenced policy. Spygate didn’t net anything either, not in time to save Trump, so our republican friends went with their old standby, aka Make.Shit.Up. Actually, as it turns out, the Kremiln made this last shit up and the rightwing media just perpetuated more Russian propaganda. The latest garbage involves Brennan-gate, which is a lousy scandal even by the standard Pizza-gate rating system (PRS). For those still not following the main theme, during an opportunity to remove a dangerously incompetent president from office via the impeachment process, the republican side of congress chose instead to ask a bunch of fictional questions that Sean Hannity and QAnon came up with after sniffing the Sharpies Glenn Beck copped from the Oval Office.
Tweet Tower—In an exclusive interview, a coronavirus spokesvirus sat down with that Two Ferns guy today to discuss his recent stint inside the President. “Yeah, it felt awful being inside The Donald,” said the virus. “I’ve never come across a more inhospitable host, period. We lost a lot of good viruses in there. The cause of death for most was a crushed spirit. I was in there for about 48-hours, but it felt like 48-years …the shit that guy eats could kill Al Bundy. Anyway, eventually I’m like, you know, I think I’m gonna go visit my aunt over in Hope Hicks. It was nice over there …like a tiptoe through the tulips comparatively. We’re thinking of getting a vacation home over there.”
In true 2020 fashion, today in Texas brain-eating amoebas were discovered in the water supply. The good news? Devoid of any food source, they probably won’t survive long in a republican district. And Flint, Michigan residents still can’t drink their water, but it’s a buyer’s real estate market now, right? We just need Detroit to build bigger Rams to haul the water …from Canada. Maybe the Keystone pipeline can be used for water and oil? And maybe some Molson, eh? Talk about a trade hat trick. We just have to clear it with Trudeau …and Putin. Now that’s some fine can-do American thinking. And, heck, Puerto Rico just has to wait for the next category 5 to get their water sloshing right into their house! The new American Standard? Please don’t Moen at that joke. The city of Flint is saying the water is safe in their district, but this is view is not shared by the majority of its residents, which brings us to our next problem: republicans should not be tasked with anything related to public safety. The real story? Flint is no longer an outlier, but rather a sneak peek at our new normal. We are being poisoned at the same time republican leadership—the same group with a Nugentesque Stranglehold on our courts—is stripping us of our healthcare. Hey, but any proof that republicans can do two things at once is truly mind-blowing (deadly amoebas sold separately). Is it wrong to root for the single-celled organisms at this point? Somebody get me a microscope, I wonder if all those little red nubs on those coronaviruses are tiny MAGA hats.
[‘Yeast of our problems’ joke removed by a pair a ‘meciums.]
Tweet Tower—President Trump assured the country today that his rambly and often inappropriate executive tweets will continue, regardless of his condition. POTUS, along with several of his key aides, has successfully created a series of tweets ahead of time. These will be posted at random intervals should the president become incapacitated by his present illness. Vice President Mike Pence said, “Some of these tweets were created ahead of time by the president himself, but in an algorithm fashion so he can continue to comment regardless of who won the big match, or even the outcome of my upcoming vice presidential debate with Kamala Harris. There’s also a Halloween tweet that pokes fun at a Hillary Clinton mask, ha ha ha #LockHerUp. And, of course, there are some more Sleepy Joe tweets, and who could resist a few Pocahontas quips? Not this president. Even more exciting, new Twitter technologies made possible the creation of a Trump Tweet Generator that pieces together a hodgepodge of insults and capitalized words from existing tweets. These contain all the exclamation points, giant caps, and grammar mistakes that you’ve come to expect from this president. In this way, he can continue to tweet important messages directly to his follower for many years to come, regardless of his recovery or his condition #PostedDeadOrAlive.”
Shortly into the first presidential debate between President Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, it became painfully clear the president had words scrawled across his right hand. Has the president taken a page from Sarah Palin’s similar hijinx in 2008? Is this more of her handiwork, pardon the pun? Palin was believed to have cheated herself in a similar manner during her own Vice Presidential debate back in 2008 …with the same person. I don’t believe in coincidences and neither does anyone in my family, which might just be a coincidence. Palin is denying claims she coached the president to use crib notes in tonight’s debate and is downplaying the timing of her odd challenge to primary Senator Lisa Murkowski in Alaska. Was this an intentional red herring? Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said, “This is a new low for Trump. Kidding. We would need digging equipment that has yet to be invented for that. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) added, “In Trump’s defense, the five words scrawled on his hands were all spelled correctly. He must have had help #Grammerly.”
Tweet Tower—The Head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, Head HUDder Ben Carson told reporters today, “HUD vows to protect the president’s home and avoid any premature executiviction. No one wants to see the president homeless. We’re calling this initiative our POTUS Eviction Prevention Program. It’s not just the president, his entire extended family uses this place like a cheap motel. Could you imagine if Eric and Don Jr. were left to their own devices? They’re simply not ready. The entire Trump clan must remain on that property, perhaps indefinitely. So we at HUD are doing our part by extending our moratorium on all real estate removals from the White House until 2028. We’re already colluding with Russia on this one as part of Operation Stay Putin.”
