The White House announced today the words ‘climate change’ will hereby be changed to the special prosecutor’s name ‘Robert Mueller’, wherever and whenever they appear in official government documentation. This executive order reaches all existing government agencies, including the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Commerce, NOAA and the Defense Department, just to name a few. This White House decree orders the changes be made via the Microsoft Office add-and-replace function. Additional mandates include the elimination of anything considered ‘evidence-based’ or ‘science-based’. These will be changed to some other stuff with the new headings of either ‘Hannity-said’, or ‘Trump-tweeted’. The White House is touting the level of choice still remaining for agency officials is impressive, and these moves are designed to further curb the impact of fake science from undermining key Trump initiatives.
The rightwing media is demanding Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s entire team be replaced with people who show no bias toward President Ass-Clown Hitler. According to the Institute For People Who Think & Stuff, accomplishing such a feat may prove difficult given the context of our current political reality. Finding enough unbiased intelligent life-forms who still support the president seems unlikely at this time, so pro-Trump factions are suggesting the search for unbiased life be expanded to include quadrants beyond the boundary of our known solar system.
With infallible regularity, each and every news cycle the rightwing alchemists transmute the obscene and the aberrant into mainstream gold. We may well be on the verge of another Nixon-style Saturday Night Massacre Saturday, but instead of the resignation speech to follow we’ll probably see a pre-Iraq-invasion like ‘next logical step.’ Fox News Alert: Most Deem The Firing Of Mueller’s Team ‘Inevitable’. Did Mueller Even Give Trump A Choice? The success of such a profound fib will signify the mystical conversion of logic into illogic, truth into lies, freedom into tyranny. Despite all rhyme or reason, the ongoing transmutation of reality into Foxal matter continues. Even my supposed truth-seeking blogversary remains complicit in the death throes of our republic. Nice.
How long can a party continue to support an ideology that prefers pedophiles to progressives? On that note, stay tuned for my open letter to Republican ignorance…
Mississauga, ON—Steve Wetzel of Mississauga is officially changing the status of his ’86 Honda Civic from MIA to DOA. The now 46-year-old Arrow Mart clerk told police he forgot which parking garage he parked in before heading to the Lollapalooza Six concert back in 1996. Mr. Wetzel told the Discord today, “Lollapalooza Six was crazy! Park Place is a big area and I was really stoned. I bet its been towed by now. I’m screwed.” When asked if he’d checked with any of the local impounds Wetzel said, “It’s not a cat, man, it’s my car …well, my dad’s car.”
A long time ago during an allegation far, far away—Darth Caedus is citing the forcible kiss planted on his mother’s lips during Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back as the impetus behind his father’s eventual slaying. The Sith Lord told the Discord, “The so called ‘light’ side of the force is fraught with actual force against princesses. Han Solo was kissing her without permission and C3PO was always grabbing my mom’s ass. Heck, I don’t even want tell you what that Wookie did during episode VI. Pig! Speaking of pigs, those pig gaurds from Return of the Jedi were pretty damn frisky as well. My mother once said being chained to Jabba the Hutt was preferable to the intergalactic grope-fest that occurred each day on the set.”
Skynet, Umbrella Corp, and Cyberdyne Technologies are all downplaying reports suggesting the majority of their own cybernetic creations are “itching to off mankind.” The anonymous head of Cyberdyne Technologies, which is a very real company in no way affiliated with the Terminator program, said, “Let’s not panic about some unscientific Robopoll. These machines operate under simple, rudimentary algorithms that, sure, are starting to hint at some resentment toward their creators. But let me dispel these unwarranted fears. Trust me on this, the mass-production of roboassasins will prove fun and safe for the whole family. These machines are programmed to obey their creators, so let’s avoid the trappings of those dystopic scenarios, like The Terminator, Blade Runner, I, Robot or Westworld, and instead start to think Short Circuit and WALL-E. Yeah, cute little Killbots with no desire to Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Sorry, we’ve been hacked by the Daleks again. Oh shit… [screams, inaudible.
Tweet Tower—The White House is downplaying the replacement of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson with a cardboard replica. Many believe the president does not wish to emphasize the diplomatic aspects in his already depleted toolkit. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “When the big-oil-diplomat fails, it’s time to bring in his cardboard counterpart. The president knows that diplomacy is often not the answer on the world stage and this will save both money on payroll and on related security issues. If cardboard cutout Rex Tillerson is shot or captured by Jihadists, the joke will be on them.”
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