Tweet Tower—With the coronavirus ravaging our prison system, the WH, in conjunction with the DOJ, reasoned it would be safer if Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, and his former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, returned safely into the fold. Critics claim this is further proof of the president’s cronyism or an attempt to derail their tell-all-books slated for publication. The WH is already calling this ‘Fake Books’ and pointed to the absurdity of someone in Trump’s inner-circle having the ability to read and/or write. President Trump said, “Don’t worry, every day I’ll make them pee in a cup. Not sure why, but Putin says if I send both pee tapes to him, he’ll send the original video of mine back to pee …to me.”
Washington—Those close to Joe Biden claim he is very close to choosing someone who will be very close to him, a running mate. Many are concerned, however, that each time he narrows down the field, they’re always different choices and some aren’t even people. Last week he told his campaign manager, “I got it down to three: Citizen Z, Lassie, or Stephen Colbert, but the one from Jon Stewart, not the one currently on late night.”
Unlock the front door. This can be done from the inside of the door, or from the outside if you have a key.
Swing the sign around to OPEN. Now it’s going to say closed from the inside, but don’t let that scare you! You’re OPEN!
I don’t know what you do, but whatever it is start doing it. Make stuff, bake stuff, sell stuff and then Reince.Priebus.Repeat.
Undisclosed Location—Every meth lab will be receiving something extra from the government this week to help them through the hard times. Many small businesses are receiving bailouts, so why not support the very engines running our rural communities? Hours after President Trump gutted any oversight for the latest two trillion-dollar stimulus bill, he announced several controversial decisions, not the list of which was the addition of meth labs to the list of small businesses eligible for a stimulus. In fact, those packages should be arriving several days earlier than any of the other ones, and they can temporarily help curb the sensation of tiny bugs crawling under your skin. An additional 100-billion is also slated for the president’s own administration after he officially designated it a disaster area earlier today.
Tweet Tower—There’s a scourge on this planet and it’s ravaging resources, destroying economies, and costing lives …and it’s called The GOP. What did you think I was talking about? Yesterday’s primary voting in Wisconsin, aka being forced to vote in-person amidst a pandemic, was not only a travesty of justice but it’s a wonderful sneak peek of the November stunts to come. Everyone has the constitutional right to vote, even republicans, but they don’t have the right to bring voter suppression to such a profound level. Oh, I’m being told the Supreme Court backed this? Suprise emoji face. Fine, I guess you do. And today we can’t even assemble to protest this atrocity even if we wanted to. The good news? We don’t want to. They have half the country drinking the Koolaid and the other half sheltered in video game/Netflix streaming-land. Call George Clooney, it’s the perfect misinform.
Upper Narnia–Amidst these crushing COVID restrictions, young Carry Schuster is getting really sick of playing in her room, yet she has clear reservations about slipping through the portal located near the back of her wardrobe closet. The six-year-old is uncomfortable with the unwelcome visits from one, Mr. Numbnuts. She describes the visitor as part lark and part banter, or what the ancient Greeks referred to as a Satire. If her Governor’s shelter-in-place order continues much longer, the shadowy world of ravenous mammalic-hybrids sounds like a much better bet. Since Carry lives in a southern state, she can either limit her social activities to Sunday mass or risk becoming CarryKibble in parts unknown. After listening to the last few emergency White House briefings, she is currently packing her things and would now like everyone to refer to her as, Chew Toy.
Tweet Tower—Director of the National Economic Council, Larry Kudlow, sidestepped his comments back in February 25th, otherwise known as: “We have contained this. I won’t say airtight, but it’s pretty close to airtight, and while the outbreak is a human tragedy, it will likely not be an economic tragedy.” I guess he meant to say ‘airborne.’ Oh, and I added the italics because I learned how to do that recently. Instead of defending his recent comments, Mr. Kudlow shifted his focus to Ivanka Trump’s breasts, asking her, “We all know your father prefers big breasts, dear, so was he ever encouraging you to augment your boobages?” Yes, one of our top economic gurus used the word boobages.
Benson, AZ—The creator of Pig Latin Jack Thompson, or, as his friends liked to call him, Ack-jay Omspon-thay, was killed ester-day-yay while walking his dog through a javelina-infested canyon. The cunning linguist was gored to death by a pack of the wild beasts in what many within the Pig Latin community are calling an ate-hay crime. Many pigs, boars, and feral hogs have resented Thompson’s approach to language throughout his life. Back in 1950, radicalized pigs are also linked to the death of George Orwell for his choice to make the chief antagonist of his famous work Animal Farm an ig-pay named Apoleon-nay. Miss Piggy, of Muppets fame, has refused to comment on the incident, but she reportedly has a strong alibi involving a famous talking og-fray named Ermit-kay
Tweet Tower—Our third world country is showing again, folks …you know, while no one was voting on principle. The picture should be clear in 2020, we take baby steps away from banana republicanism under D and giant leaps toward a failed state under R. The Fox News talking points during the pandemic ramp up angered me a tad more than usual: The media alone is to blame for the virus and the DOW! Sure the lefties hyped this shitznik to a Spinal Tappian 11, but covering the potential demise of an estimated 1.7 million Americans should rank as newsworthy. But I do like our president’s recent tack, from it’s a hoax, it’s a hoax, it’s a hoax …we’re all gonna die approach to information dissemination. How does that heavy pandemic coverage stack up against our ‘least tests in the West’ approach to containment? Or, maybe the 0.00 percent worth of accurate information coming from our president’s mouth or his twitter feed. Or, our initial haphazard to nonexistent federal response. Who knew gutting agencies and firing everyone with an IQ above a turnip could lead to something like this? Oh, right …everyone with an IQ above a turnip.