Flagstaff, AZ—Rick Gates, business partner to Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort, will likely plead guilty to charges this week brought by special prosecutor Robert Mueller and his team. Even prior to the pending guilty plea, The Discord is touting its wordsmithular prowess by coining the phrase “Gates-Gate”, one that will likely go down in the annals of Discord history as “meh”. Rick Gates likely knows everything Manafort does, so if he ‘flipped’ and there was any collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, this may well be, in the immortal words of Redd Foxx, “The big one, ‘lizabeth!” It is the belief of this writer that ultimately Gates-Gate will trigger the fall of this president. Look, Warren Zevon just went home with a waitress with Russian ties and that ended badly. Offhand, this seems much worse.”
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is responding to the massive outcry to the recent Florida school shooting with a novel idea. Yes! He wants to write a book about it! Once he learns to read, of course. His other idea involves giving bonuses to armed teachers. Additional cash can be earned for both type of weapon as well as confirmed on-campus kill shots. There’s the potential for extra vacation time for 2nd Amendmenting any member of a minority, and double points will be rewarded for those also registered as a Democrat. With this small tweak to our nation’s educational system, The Donald hopes to enrich the lives of those involved with one of our most crucial occupations. He’s talking about the NRA’s executive management, of course.
Critical thinking on the right side of the political spectrum is officially dead. Elvis has left the Trump rally. The reactionary factless responses that define today’s political landscape now permeate every corner of the Twiright Zone. Thankfully, real evidence of the problem is surfacing, as a recent Oxford study supports my shift from a ‘Deplorable’ designation to an ‘Unreachable’ one. Facts can no longer penetrate the Trump supporters’ noggins, period. Neuropolitical studies continue to support my rather harsh assessment of our conservative friends’ adverse relationship to the truth. Of course, they would reply Fake Science! According to this Fake Study, Trump supporters pass around twice as much nonsense, or Foxal Matter, on social media platforms than any other group on the planet. As a result, our staunch evangelical friends can now only engage in debates with themselves. Mass debaters? Yep, its Oxford University vs the Glenn Beck Chalk-Sniffing Choir. Good luck with that.
Flagstaff, AZ—Team Search Truth Quest (STQ) believes they obtained irrefutable evidence of the existence of a hominid-like primate living in the produce section of a local Safeway. According to DNA testing, via STQ member Alex Bone’s iPhone app, the scat contains both human and primate DNA. Captain of STQ, Mick Zano, said, “This is like finding the Holy Grail inside the Arc of the Covenant inside of Bigfoot. Our findings prove Sasquatch is at least as real as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.” The scat was found near the pre-made salads, which led the team to conclude Bigfoot is no longer chopping its own vegetables in the wild. The team of cryptid hunters told the Discord today that “this is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce.”
Washington—President Marco Rubio has flip-flopped on his decision to allow the Senate Intelligence Committee to pursue yet another Benghazi hearing. The president told the press today, “With new evidence tweeted to me from Donald Trump Jr. *cough* from prison, there are still a number of unanswered questions about the Benghazi embassy attack.” After some initial reservations, the president is now ordering the exhumation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from her current resting place at Memory Gardens Cemetery in Arkansas. Clinton’s final wish was to be buried right alongside Vince Foster, a friend and colleague who died under mysterious circumstances, so “they could save time by only having to dig one hole for their next bullshit investigation.”
Tent City—Under the new Trump budget, funding for the Department of Housing And Urban Development is being drastically cut. HUD Secretary Ben Carson told the press today, “We are still focusing on housing for the poor, but just not of the four-walls-one-roof variety. We will be moving toward a block grant model, which blocks the grants from poor people and shifts them to the rich. It’s all part of the president’s new Dooh Nibor initiative. Think about that one… But we are going to make sure the domicile-impaired get hooked up with some really good real estate people and financial advisors, for a fee of course. We want to help them sign onto a mortgage then our friends on Wall Street can step-in and work their repackaging magic. There’s also some concern about those folks who are homeless and suffer from addiction or mentally illness. I can assure you these folks will still be eligible for all the same supportive services, well, until the behavioral health cuts kick-in next month.”