Fukushima, Japan—The Tokyo Electric Power Co. (TEPCO) has realized, if shredded newspaper has failed to stop radioactive sea water from spilling into the Sea of Japan, it’s time to bring in the big guns.  There is one notorious nuclear power plant in the Midwestern Unites States that has seen more nuclear mishaps and meltdowns than any other.  Japan is seeking a representative from this plant to think outside the partially-exploded-and-seeping box.

A plaque on the desk of one Homer J. Simpson reads Chernobyl is for Beginners.  Simpson, a long time employee of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is believed to hold unique knowledge of meltdown situations.  The owner of the plant, C. Montgomery Burns, would like the exact location of the facility to remain secret.  Mr. Burns would also like to dispel any rumors of a connection between himself and Rupert Murdoch, the Koch Brothers, as well as the unidentified body that washed ashore at the Springfield reservoir yesterday.

Simpson was singled out by the Japanese for being either directly or indirectly involved with every major problem at the plant for the last twenty years.

“He has experiences in this area like no other,” said Akira Endo of TEPCO.  “He may hold the key.”

The initial teleconference with Mr. Simpson was riddled with technical difficulties as Simpson repeatedly hit the mute button while talking and then shouted “OVER!” before releasing said button.  Once these issues were resolved the meeting was initially soured by Simpson’s first suggestion, “Did you try shredded newspapers?”

Ultimately the engineers at TEPCO were happy with the outcome of the meeting.  While the content of the conversation remains classified, a reporter was able to obtain one sentence of the notes: “Employ bird shaped perpetual-motion device to keep pressing vent button.”  American nuclear scientists are puzzled by the suggestion and have no idea what it means.

Heaven—Isn’t the timing more than a little suspicious?  Think about it; Obama backs deep sea drilling and, boom, a few weeks later gazillions of gallons of crude oil spews into the Gulf of Mexico.  Obama then backs nuclear energy and boom, splash, Japan’s nuclear incident occurs at Fukushima. 

God told our own Cokie McGrath, “If Obama start promoting ‘clean’ coal, I already have that covered as well.”

God plans to burn the entire state of Kentucky by setting all its coal mines ablaze at once in something he is calling his ‘Shock and Ore’ campaign.

“In 2011, if you’re still talking only about the big three: nuclear, coal, and oil, it’s go time, bitches,” said God.

God also admitted to McGrath, global warming doesn’t pose a threat to human life anytime soon.

“But plans have changed,” added God. “Climate change wouldn’t have become deadly for another thousand years or so, but it’s time to turn this cosmic crockpot up notch.”

God then entered his 2010 Prius, with venti mocha macchiato frappe in hand, and may have either waved  goodbye out of the car window or flipped the press the bird.

“We’re sure it was one of the two,” said McGrath

Washington, DC—With the funds saved from no longer supporting National Public Radio, Republicans plan to bomb a number of, as yet to be determined, middle eastern countries.

“This is both doable and advisable,” said Fox News contributor Charles Krauthammer.

The right wing of the right wing is suggesting President Obama pay for U.S. involvement in Libya by ending funding for a program that feeds and houses homeless veterans.  For phase two of the project, Republicans hope to slash funds from NPR and bomb Syria, or some such Muslim country deemed a nuisance.

“He needs to start listening to the voice of fiscal reason,” said GOP nominee hopeful, Newt Gingrich.

When it was pointed out how defunding NPR and homeless veterans’ benefits would only account for less than 1% of the current war effort, still only in its second week, Gingrich countered with, “We have different graphs based on non-Euclidian geometry.”

When asked to explain what that meant, Gingrich, a graduate of the Michele Bachmann School of Spurious Statistics, invited America to see for themselves how wars don’t increase deficits.  This is accomplished through a powerful republican spawned pseudo-math (PRSPM).

Many on the right are enthusiastic about a return to an America on the offensive.

“Defunding NPR is win-win,” added former ambassador John Bolton.  “Less liberal slant and less Muslims, that’s two for two in my book.”

The Republicans master plan is to borrow more yen from Japan, oh shit, borrow more yuan from China…umm, their plan is to borrow more money from somebody and then bomb our way back to economic and military supremacy.

Los Angeles, CA—The arriving radioactive plume from Japan can be fun for all ages, but taking some precautions is necessary. Remember that black light you had in your room as a kid?  Well, it’s not going to be anything like that. The best place to enjoy the glow show this weekend is Southern California.  The optimum way to view the radioactive plume is to get far away from city lights, which in the case of L.A. is probably best anyway.  You might want to dress appropriately for the display, like in a radiation suit.  The World Health Organization is not sure if the dangerous fallout will create mutant hordes, some giant prehistoric fire breathing creature, or just enlarge insects of some variety or another.  Regardless, it’s best to be prepared—with a will.

There is a slight chance of growing an extra appendage or gills during the festivities. Although, gills might seem cool, don’t go in the water.  It’s probably not safe.  In the event of mutant hordes, keep in mind, they always return to their subterranean dwellings by dawn.  So you just have to stay alive until then. 

Upper winds are blowing the glowing plume right toward us, so all you need to do is grab your recliner and your iodine pills, kick back, and enjoy the show! 

Good night and good….ahahahHHaaHHAAA.  Giant crickets!!

North Pole—The White House is downplaying the possibility the notorious weather sprite, the Snow Miser, might be employed to help prevent three or more nuclear meltdowns in Japan.  The little remaining water is no longer keeping the nuclear rods in the cores contained at this time, so Obama believes a being with super cooling abilities could stave off a complete and utter disaster. 

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, embarked to the Snow Miser’s ice castle yesterday to formally request aid from the Christmas marionette and Clause antagonist.

“We came at it from the angle, my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s…er, we won’t get fooled again!” exclaimed Clinton, who went on to explain how several meltdowns would embolden the Snow Miser’s brother and arch nemesis, the Heat Miser.  “If any meltdown would occur, the Heat Miser could reclaim some of the winter months in areas of northern Japan for tens of thousands of years,” explained Clinton.

The Obama Administration remains uncertain as to whether or not the Snow Miser took the bait and neither Clinton nor her entourage have been seen or heard from since.  Obama remains unconcerned at this time.

“I happen to know Hillary and the Snow Miser intimately, and I would be more concerned about the Miser.”

Obama denies that, should Clinton fail, he plans to send Joe Biden to enlist the aid of Mr. Freeze of Batman fame.  Although Obama admits the prospect of permanently freezing Biden’s mouth shut has a certain appeal. 

Springfield, IL—Illinois Governor Pat Quinn has announced his intention to abolish the death penalty in his state this week. Newly elected Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, is in agreement with the decision and agrees to “knee cap shots only, from here on out.”

Whereas Democrats are united around this issue, Republicans are appalled by the decision. The move even triggered Texas Governor, Walker T. Justice, to call for Quinn to be put to death by lethal injection.

“He’s a Democrat,” barked Governor Justice, “which in my state can already carry with it a life sentence. But banning the death penalty? Time for another one of them there second Amendment solutions, if you follow.”

Governor Quinn is to be transported to the Texas State Penitentiary at Huntsville, where he will be given a lethal injection of Sweet & Tangy BBQ and cyanide. His corpse will then be dragged through the streets during an upcoming Tea Party rally. Critics of the move feel the action is “extreme” and “unjustified.”

“Look, we have a budgetary crisis in this country. It would save the taxpayers countless money if we started killing more, not less prisoners. Three hots and a cot are much, much more costly than three shots and a box. Trust me on this one,” said Justice.