Fukushima, Japan—The Tokyo Electric Power Co. (TEPCO) has realized, if shredded newspaper has failed to stop radioactive sea water from spilling into the Sea of Japan, it’s time to bring in the big guns.  There is one notorious nuclear power plant in the Midwestern Unites States that has seen more nuclear mishaps and meltdowns than any other.  Japan is seeking a representative from this plant to think outside the partially-exploded-and-seeping box.

A plaque on the desk of one Homer J. Simpson reads Chernobyl is for Beginners.  Simpson, a long time employee of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, is believed to hold unique knowledge of meltdown situations.  The owner of the plant, C. Montgomery Burns, would like the exact location of the facility to remain secret.  Mr. Burns would also like to dispel any rumors of a connection between himself and Rupert Murdoch, the Koch Brothers, as well as the unidentified body that washed ashore at the Springfield reservoir yesterday.

Simpson was singled out by the Japanese for being either directly or indirectly involved with every major problem at the plant for the last twenty years.

“He has experiences in this area like no other,” said Akira Endo of TEPCO.  “He may hold the key.”

The initial teleconference with Mr. Simpson was riddled with technical difficulties as Simpson repeatedly hit the mute button while talking and then shouted “OVER!” before releasing said button.  Once these issues were resolved the meeting was initially soured by Simpson’s first suggestion, “Did you try shredded newspapers?”

Ultimately the engineers at TEPCO were happy with the outcome of the meeting.  While the content of the conversation remains classified, a reporter was able to obtain one sentence of the notes: “Employ bird shaped perpetual-motion device to keep pressing vent button.”  American nuclear scientists are puzzled by the suggestion and have no idea what it means.