Crankin’ Up a Shutdown

The Crank

As we near the deadline for our children in Congress to play nice and pass a friggin’ budget, we hear repeated threats of a complete government shutdown (CGS). Oooh!  Noooh! Mr. Bill, stuck on Capitol Hill!  We can’t have that, now can we?  For the world will surely fold up and die, the sky will fall, plagues, locusts, and the elderly will have to eat the locusts!  And the Seventh Seal will start barking or something…

Now hold on a Capitol pickin’ minute. Yes, some entitlement checks won’t go out, and that’s going to be a problem, for sure. Oh wait, but I’m not “entitled” to a fucking thing. I am broke…of my own doing, so I live off of the good graces and compassion of the world’s best wife (who knocks off liquor stores on weekends). The ones with the guns still get paid, so we’re somewhat safe. I’m good there. Stores will still be open, so I can eat. That’s always good for me. Hospitals will still be open so if I do something stupid (alright, stupider), I can get put back together. No mail? Well, that means no bills! I’m good there. DirecTV still on, Suns still losing, Coyotes still winning, mostly. Hemi still starts. I’m good to go!

What we won’t have is sponges and meddlers. Sponges are the people whose only income is derived by stealing it from the taxpayers. Meddlers are convinced they have to protect their phony baloney jobs by appearing to “enact” shit. Shit they have no real business “enactin” in the first place.  Isn’t that commercial?  Tough actin enactin, or something.  Back east they would be more likely to say “enact dis.”  A comment traditionally accompanied by an inappropriate cupping gesture.

So, as I ponder this here catastrophe, and ponderin’ ain’t my best suit, I can think of no actual downside. Actually, it’s a win-win (and yes, even I am tired of that little ditty, Herr Zano). What I am feeling is, well, for lack of a better word, uh actually uh…free? Yes, I feel that the shutdown is freedom at its core. This should not be looked upon as frightening. Oh contraire, it’s the very foundation of FREEDOM.

So, I say when the day comes and they actually do a shutdown, lets all take to the streets! To protest? No. To revel in the feeling. I’ll be standing in front of my local Post Office with my hands in the air, a big smile on my face, and the glazed look of a born-again capitalist.

I will be shouting, FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE’RE ALL FREE AT LAST!

CRANK THAT.

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