Putin Determined to Butch-Up Olympics

Putin Determined To Butch-Up Olympics

Moscow—Vladimir Putin is drawing a line in the sandy Vaseline today. Gay people are not welcome in the upcoming Winter Olympics in Russia. “Any rainbows better be in the sky,” said Putin. “Sure my country is known as the great bear, but not that kind.”

Putin announced the freestyle skiing event will be changed to the KGB-style and Putin wants more gun fights during the biathlon. He then sited several James Bond movies for inspiration. “Oh, and I want to make it very clear, the biatholon pertains to combining guns and skiing; let me repeat that: guns and skiing.”

Many fear the male figure skaters will be under considerable scrutiny in 2014 as Putin added, “We are going to assume those guys have a little sugar in them.”

Putin also feels curling is gay and warned anyone caught curling will be subject to possible arrest. “I’m not too worried about the ice hockey teams, hell, I might even start for team Russia,” said Putin. “The male bobsleigh team, however, needs to remain at least three inches apart from one another at all times. If anyone looks aroused during their descent I will shoot them myself. Bunch of lugers. Hey, that’s pretty good.”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.