The Pentagon—Our nation’s Defense Department is in peril after an ordering glitch has left hundreds of key desktop and laptop computers vulnerable to cyber attack. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta is also concerned about potentially damaging malware and spyware. Norton Internet Security 2012 apparently changed the amount of times the critical software can be downloaded per purchase. Panetta maintains Norton failed to notify the Pentagon of these important changes.

During a joint press briefing, Panetta said, “Our situation is dire. We thought we purchased enough antivirus for all of our computers, but our calculations fell well short of the mark. We also had at least forty instances of people not writing down the registration code on the disc itself. We have procedures to keep this from happening, but they were ignored. It’s why we give everyone in the Defense Department a Sharpie. It’s not so they can sit at their desk and sniff ‘em. This isn’t the F-ing State Department for f^&%’s sake!”

Panetta believes the amount of porn he personally downloads each day opens the doors wide open for the potential hacking of a number of sensitive files.

“I didn’t sign onto this job to give up midget porn,” said Panetta. “Midget porn first, country second. I don’t think that makes me unpatriotic. And don’t even get me started on lesbians. Really, I wouldn’t do that.”

Washington, DC—As part of a long standing White House tradition, President Barack Obama pardoned two turkeys earlier this week, but this year the story triggered a chain of convoluted events. The turkey pardoned last year was euthanized only a few days ago, which many are calling “suspicious”. Now, no one knows the whereabouts of this year’s pardoned turkeys.

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta said, “We know one bird is dead and the other two absconded. There is thus far no known link between these events. The missing pair did not ‘pop a cap in the ass’ of the other bird, and they are not terrorists. The dead bird was named Peace. I have never ordered a drone strike on someone named Peace, or Joy, or Paradise.”

Panetta would not discuss the other missing birds, which has led some scandal-happy republicans to extrapolate. Radio anti-personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, “These turkeys should not have been pardoned. Look, if someone kills and eats everyone else in your family, are you going to be friendly to that country? What was Obama thinking?”

Congressman Trent Franks (R-AZ) said, “These turkeys are obviously Muslims and follow Sharia Law. Just look at the picture! That bird is obviously wearing some type of veil. I can’t even see its beak. I believe we’re facing an avian threat greater than H1N1, and Obama has unleashed its wrath on America!”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann added, “Do you think it’s a coincidence Obama allowed a breeding pair of Muslim extremists to just waddle out of the White House? This is an intelligence failure on par with…what was that other shit we made up last week?”

Other theories from the Republican Senate involve the Muslim Butterballhood, a group of alien human hybirds, as well as, our personal favorite, the allegation that one turkey sexted the other, less talked about twin from the Petreaus scandal.

President Obama assured the press, “If those turkeys do anything to harm anyone, the cluck stops here.”

Grand Forks, ND—Dan Frakkes was frantic after Hostess announced its pending bankruptcy. The future of such snack favorites as the Twinkie and the Ding Dong remains uncertain at this time. In desperation, Frakkes cashed in his 401K and used all of his funds in the hopes of distributing enough Twinkies into the wild to survive the winter. He has dispersed his tiny sponge cake legion throughout the badlands of North Dakota.

The Discord’s Crank added, “I don’t exactly know what this guy is doing, but I applaud his efforts.”

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Realty, said, “The DNA diversity is going to be an issue. How are these creatures going to maintain a viable breeding stock? First of all, they should have been tagged, second, the badlands are the last place I would have chosen for the release and, finally, Frakkes admitted to devouring more than he is releasing.”

Dr. Hogbein also believes he should have released them all in one place. “Twinkies are likely herd animals,” said Hogbein. “There are also questions as to what natural prey awaits the Twinkie. Who can guess whether Twinkies will be immediately devoured or if they will survive, mutate, and one day dominate the world itself! Indeed, if they die out we may lose an incredibly tasty snack food, but, if such treats can survive in the wild, we may be witnessing the beginning of the Entenmanns!”

Washington, DC—For his 2^nd term, President Barack Obama has decided to just piss off Republicans. He doesn’t feel our system is horribly functional right now, so annoying the GOP is his highest priority. He started by bowing to Admiral General Aladeen, the Tyrant of Wadiya, earlier today. Obama plans to spend lots of taxpayer money while bowing to other world leaders across the globe.

Obama told reporters, “Look, instead of helping to fix the damage they caused, the GOP made its primary mission to make me a one term president, so screw ‘em.”

Vice President Joe Biden plans to create an actual death panel for the Affordable Care Act. They will have the power to, not only deny treatment for certain conditions, but they will have the authority to eliminate targeted healthy people as well.

The President plans to go on a nonstop world vacation in the guise of a business trip. “Not only am I going to bow to everyone and anyone,” said Obama, “I may do some oral sex photo simulations as well. And this term we’re really going to focus on hindering small businesses. Enough of this tax breaks and helping them shit. I may even park my motorcade in front of some to block traffic. The best part is, we’ve designed a machine that allows food stamps to literally fall out of my ass while I walk. Heh, heh.”

When asked what he would be apologizing for this round, the President said, “Biden.” He then added the word, “Duh.”

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration admitted they are already giving up. President Obama told the press today, “Congress has seized like an ‘87 Yugo engine coming down from benzos and alcohol. Since there is no chance of reaching a deal with these crazy people, I have 18 holes of golf scheduled for the first 90 days of my 2^nd term.”

President Obama added, “At the 18^th hole there’s this Tavern on the Green, where I will transition to my evening schedule, which involves doing the people’s work.”

Press Secretary Joseph Gibbs later explained the expression is a euphemism for “drinking heavily”.

“There’s nothing I can do without a supermajority,” continued President Obama. “They are going to block my proposals, my Judge nominations, my mojo, so I’m getting drunk! Then, after the first and only action of my 2^nd term, I’m getting stoned!”

Obama admits he feels helpless to stop the fiscal cliff nuggie, the double-dip wedgie, but is even more concerned about this “Greenspan swirly thing” he heard about over on The Discord.

“Can I call a mulligan?” said Obama. “Hell, I’m already at McMulligan’s, so we can call it a theme day? Four!”

As for the President’s comments on a double dip, George Costanza was unavailable for comment.

Arkham, MA—Karl Rove was committed earlier today to the care of the Arkham Asylum, home for the criminally insane. On election night 126 people were injured after witnesses claim a line of limousines, one with an Olympic dressage horse strapped to the roof, went on a rampage. Karl Rove was seen driving one of the limos wildly through the streets of Miami in a murderous rage. The vehicles dispersed several long voting lines and ran over countless registered voters, including two Black Panthers wanted for voter intimidation. Mitt Romney is still being held for questioning and Miami Police report he has changed his statement “several hundred times”.

Witnesses claim Rove would yell, “Have you voted yet?!” and then, depending on the answer, would hit the accelerator. After dispersing the crowd at a Miami Dade polling station, Karl Rove jumped out of the car and said, “You’re out of line! You can’t vote! Where are your voter IDs! Voting is a felony!”

Mick Zano of The Daily Discord commented, “I think that’s why Romney’s concession speech was so thoughtful. He knew his people back in the car elevator were still picking some urbanites out of the grill.”

Despite being wrestled out of the limo by Miami Police, Karl Rove maintains he was on cable television during the entire election.

“I was on Fox News torturing interns and firing random staffers,” said Rove. “You think I cloned another me just so I could go on some type of swing state killing spree? You’re out of line! You can’t vote! I want a recount! MwhHahahahah!”

Rove abruptly ended the interview and said he needed to get a message to a couple of other inmates, who he called “Joker and Two-Face”, which we can only assume meant Ryan and Romney.