Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

These Are Not the Drones You Are Looking For

Most Americans don’t approve of drone strikes. In fact, they’re less popular than Congress. Kidding, nothing is less popular than Congress, unless the poll asked: would you approve of a drone strike on your current location, right now? But even then it’s still within the statistical margin of error. I have supported drone strikes here on The Discord but only because Mr. Winslow keeps denying my “business” expenses.

Too Big to Debate: Pokey V Zano V Mayweather

The following is an email exchange between two Discord contributors, Pokey McDooris and yours truly, Mick Zano. I admit I added the conclusion after the email exchange, because I’m a terrible person. Life isn’t fair,
Pokey.

Pokey: I’ve been thinking about it, Zano. What’s the difference between Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders?

Zano: Benghazi?

Pokey: No, the answer is honesty.

Zano: Honesty? So it’s true what Billy Joel said, it is a lonely word?

I Got Another Letter From Bozell the Clown

Brent Bozell is both a Fox News Contributor and the head of the Media Research Center. Last year, against my better judgment, I joined his merry little band of memes. His website helps the politically insane keep up with all the horrible atrocities liberals are perpetrating on good, decent Americans. You know like smoking pot, drinking beer, and graduating colleges, often simultaneously. Multi-flasking?

All Your Marijuana Predictions Are Going to Pot

Mick Zano

The War on Drugs is ending but not fast enough. Why does it take so long to end republican policies? …uh, maybe because we keep voting for these jokers. Sorry Matt Drudge, but highlighting every pot-related incident from Legalandia will not change the overall trends, namely that the economies of those states are improving as overall crime levels and use-rates plateau. On a related note, why is the half-life of all of our right-wing bullshit greater than Plutonium? AM Radio Isodopes?

Here’s another issue wherein logic seems to elude our conservative friends. Former drug czar Bill Bennett is certainly one of the reasons for these Lingering Drug Misnomers (LDMs). I listened to his whole horrible interview the other day. Oh, and with both LSD and LDMs give yourself about 12 hours to recover. And ask your doctor if living in an alternate reality without hallucinogens is right for you.

Promoting decriminalization doesn’t necessarily mean you condone use; it means you’re simply not as clueless as our republican friends. Many progressives understand the basic premise that education, prevention and treatment are much more effective than this whole knocking-down-doors-fascist approach. Four dead by Ar-pai-o. How many more! Sorry.

What shocked me is how this supposed expert talked for nearly an hour without even accidentally making a valid point. Bennett got his name right, but he really should have stopped there. It was a shocking interview for anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of addiction. And this guy was a drug czar for nearly a decade! What next, Ted Cruz heading NASA? Oh…

Bennett was basically going on about how under his draconian policies in the 80s drug use decreased. And how we can have ongoing success with the War on Drugs, one home invasion at a time. I think the estimated cost of breaking into every house with a pot seed would likely surpass the price tag on Ted Cruz’s ‘Space Fence’, here. Yeah, I don’t remember anyone using drugs in the 80s. Strong work, Elliot Mess.

During the interview his major points were A. Everything must remain illegal or all children will become hooked, B. Pot is very dangerous, and C. Pot is a gateway drug. Who still believes these fairytales? The Brothers Dim? Here’s what happened after the decriminalization of pot in California in 2010:

“Since the law passed in 2010, the rate of both high school dropouts and youth drug overdoses are down by 20 percent, according to a new research report from the Center on Juvenile and Criminal Justice. Non–marijuana drug arrests for California youth, meanwhile, are also down 23 percent – fully debunking the gateway theory.”

Tim Dickinson, Rolling Stone

It harkens back to one of my major themes on The Discord, whatever republicans think will happen, you can bank on the opposite. It works every time. Bennett also talked about pot-related IQ loss, which is also totally unsubstantiated. The last thing someone on the right should be even discussing is IQ loss as Fox News probably does far more damage to the brain than any illicit substance.

Bennett perseverated on the dangerousness of marijuana and avoided the only accurate fact that it may well be harmful to children. He then talked about the potency being so much stronger these days, which for me evokes a hardy so what? Grain alcohol exists, I prefer beer. We are growing better marijuana, but people will use what they need to get the desired effect. Duh. The biggest bout of denial came in the form of this paraphrased bit:

“How could anyone want this dangerous substance more available in our communities and more of it in the hands of our children!”

—Bill Bennett

Nobody wants that, Bill. It doesn’t change the fact that if we shift our efforts to prevention and treatment there would be less use in the long run. But why wait until that happens? One legalized state is seeing a drop in teen use already, here.

Republicans like Bennett always act as if the War on Drugs has been effective, which is a belief that rivals, well, any of their other false beliefs.

 “The ‘war on drugs’ has been an abject failure and a shameful and scandalous waste of public money. Indeed it is well known, and not disputed, that the very societies that attempt most vigorously to suppress illegal drugs, and in which users are subject to the most stringent penalties, have seen a vast and continuous increase in the per capita consumption of these drugs.”

—Graham Hancock

How do they avoid all of the facts, every flippin’ time, on every flippin’ issue?! If increasing use and availability were the goals of the War on Drugs, then it was a resounding success. I am not advocating for pot use, nor am I a user, but nothing the right preaches about drug addiction has any relevance to this dimensional plane of existence. How long will this bigotry and ignorance rule the day? Sadly, I believe these lingering falsehoods will continue to cloud this topic for years to come. Cough.

The GOP: Insight Out

Mick Zano

Have you noticed how our republican friends feel increasingly vindicated lately? No matter what each news cycle brings, it will only confirm their suspicions. Instead of countering all of their “points”, it might be easier to just watch Fox News backwards. Barack Sabbath? Kidding, watching Fox backwards spells !izahgneB.

Their constant barrage of unhinged Told Ya Sos bear further scrutiny as do most of the false assumptions that conservatives built an entire political party on:

GOP Assumption #1: Obamacare will destroy America!

Fact: It’s doing better than expected on all major indicators, here. And yet latest polls show only 8% of Americans understand how the ACA’s price tag is currently under estimated costs, here. Fox News must have eaten its Wheaties this morning. Over-deceiving?

Keeping premiums down will be an ongoing challenge, however, especially when half our politicians and judges are actively trying to derail the thing.  Loco-Motive Breath?

GOP Assumption #2: Obama is the worst president ever!

Fact: The jury isn’t out yet, but Obama will likely rank somewhere around Lord Reagan. I have some criticism myself, but as for the worst you’re thinking of Bush. Kidding! The worst will be the next idiot you elect. That’s a prediction you can bank on. Wait, I’m being told those will collapse (much like my ratings after using that joke again).

GOP Assumption #3: Obama failed our economy! We could be doing much better!

Fact: Since 2008 the U.S. has had the strongest recovery in the West and, per Forbes, Obama surpassed Reagan on every major economic indicator known to man. So maybe he should be ranked higher, eh? I mean, Reagan did sell arms to Iran illegally and now our generals believe Shiite groups are our biggest long term problem, here. Benedict Ronald?

Fun Fact: The folks primarily responsible for those lost wars, those economic collapses, and our environmental woes have all the guns and the bunkers. Maybe there is a method to their ineptness.

GOP Assumption #4: Obama lost the Middle East!

Fact: It’s been a shit-show for a 1,000 plus years and it will likely be a shit-show for another 1,000—much like The GOP. Where are the viable solutions, save bombing and proselytizing? We’ve tried those for a long time, Pokey. How about we just arm Bibles with nuclear warheads? The Gospel of Nuke: Chapter Boom? Blessed are the mutants.

GOP Assumption #5: No bargaining with Iran!

Fact: Could Netanyahu’s warning be accurate? Any course we choose is fraught with risk and danger. It’s simply not insightful to say that bad things might happen and not offer any viable alternatives. The blithering obvious is not insightful. If the international community can ensure that no enriched uranium can be smuggled out and no bombs can be made, this could yet be an historic agreement—as opposed to republican interventions which are historically catastrophic. My solution to Iran’s nuclear program is awesome, here.

That’s all I can fit today. I can’t fit Trickle Down economics or a flat tax—like total particle reversal, those sound pretty cool until implemented. I see little to no insight on the right side of the aisle.

Or:

Meanwhile, of the ten major concerns our country and our species face, republicans are only permitted to discuss these two:

1. Our Staggeringly High Deficit:

The largest long term bill from the collapse of 2008 was not the housing market, it was putting two wars on the credit card while cutting taxes to the rich. Essentially we borrowed 6-trillion from China to create ISIS. Winning!

2. Muslim Terrorism:

Republicans fomented extremism through losing two wars …cutting taxes, well, you get the idea. Oh wait, you don’t. Anyone want to start a war with Iran for the low low price of 8-trillion? Hey, maybe by destabilizing Iran we can create another Shiite radical group to fight ISIS. Operation Christ Hammer?

Sure it will be bloody awful, Pokey, but I’m hoping this Muslim Spring will eventually lead to a Muslim Reformation. You are banking on a Holy War that will eventually lead to a nuclear winter.

It’s shocking what passes for conservative insight these days:

Black people sometimes commit crimes!

White guys are reverse-discriminated against too…albeit occasionally!

Radical Muslims are prone to blow shit up!

Government programs can be overly bureaucratic and costly!

Impressive list. Sure we have problems, but stop hastening them in the name of your profit and your prophet, and try to understand your part in our collective demise. What the hell has Jesus got to do with the Republican Party anyway? Good Black Friday? Like it or not, as resources become scarcer on this planet a society solely driven by consumerism will become increasingly absurd. That doesn’t mean I hate capitalism, it means I like to breathe. I don’t have it out for entrepreneurs, I just don’t have your aversion to facts.

Republicans don’t understand the vast majority of the issues of our time and the two they do acknowledge they either caused or exacerbated.