India’s North Sentinel Island—The Sentinelese tribesmen responsible for the recent death of an American missionary man on a remote island off the coast of India are finally speaking out today about the slaying. In an exclusive interview, tribal spokesman, Bob the Elder, told The Discord, “Yeah, we have some pretty tough immigration laws here on Stay The F’ Off Our Island. We’re closely watching what’s happening along the U.S.’s southern border and we really don’t want any of that shit here. A caravan of kayakers paddling over from Honduras is not our idea of good time. Hey, but at least we don’t snatch children from their families and detain them on separate sandbars. That’s some crazy Sheriff Joe like shit. We are satisfied with our current process for asylum seekers. We, the inhabitants of Stay The F’ Off Our Island, will continue to carefully review each and every application, *cough* between arrow volleys.”

The Sentinelese tribal Board of Directors added, “The actions we took against that Christian fella last month is clearly consistent with our established bylaws, existing paddle your ground laws, as well as our current accrediting body: the Maritime Arrow’s Upon Arrival Association (MAUAA). We are thinking of building a Visitor’s Center next year, complete with several bulls eyes as well as numbered and scored target areas. We already printed up a brochure, but it’s really short …for obvious reasons.”

The inhabitants of Stay The F’ Off Our Island is a subsidiary company of the original island’s parent company, No Really Keep Fucking Paddling Island.

*Hat tip Pokey, who sent me the title. Kudos, my friend!