Tweet Tower—The White House has remained woefully understaffed throughout President Trump’s first term and, since legal jeopardy is rising for cabinet and staff members alike, the president has proposed an innovative solution. Anyone who accepts a position with the administration will now get to hand select their own personal free-range attorney directly from the White House lawn. The Trump Administration hopes this new perk will increase the number of applicants, which have recently fallen to slightly below zero. In related news, the HR director is unavailable for comment and is facing significant jail time.
This initiative is already yet another focus of the Mueller investigation as this new legal team appear to have been paid for with a combination of campaign finance dollars, charity funds, lunch money, and large unmarked bills dug out of the freezer. In a rare public statement, Mr. Mueller told the press, “Typically when we start investigating someone they stop committing crimes. I am 74 years old, but I am confident my great grand children will be able to wrap up all these various areas under investigation. Or not.”
Vice President Mike Pence added, “As the VP I was able to pick two lawyers, which should supplement my other five nicely.”
Rudy Giuliani said, “These are all grass fed, free range 100% U.S. attorneys. Nothing imported whatsoever, although, we did find some empty bottles of Heineken on the south lawn.”