Only one year into this cocky horror picture show and our Republican friends are already circling the old wagons. Much uncertainty clouds the onset of year two of the Greatest Administration on Earth, so it’s time for some more prognostic magic. As for the Russia-probe, the surprising effectiveness of the Hannity-led attacks on the FBI and Mueller’s team is muddying the waters. No matter how wrong Republicans get, doubling down with mindless distractions seems to serve them well. The difference with this round? The rule of law itself hangs in the balance. We are now faced with two terrible choices: Jeff Sessions remains the Attorney General and further militarizes the police, re-ignites the failed war on drugs, tramples state-laws, destroys a ton of new businesses, all while stuffing our prisons to the brim with more non-violent offenders, or choice two: Sessions is sent packing in the next couple of weeks or months in favor of a new AG who, before taking the job, agrees to reign-in the Mueller investigation. For this scenario there is clearly the potential for a more successful Saturday Night Massacre, one that allows an indictable ass-clown to remain in office. Archibald Cox sucker? But fear not, I know how this all ends! (Hint: think Rogue One meets Bambi’s mother over at The Green Mile.)
Washington—The intelligence community has continued to work diligently to determine the origin of the “voices” plaguing the president’s age-addled brain. FBI Director James Comey met with the head of the American Psychological Association yesterday and then promptly contacted a FISA judge for a warrant. Mr. Comey told the Discord today, “We need to determine if these messages are the result of a psychotic disorder, or if a foreign government has successfully hacked into the president’s brain. Therefore, I have obtained a FISA warrant to listen to the president’s thoughts. Not me personally, of course, but an appointee. I mean, F-that shit.” Mr. Trump was then informed he would need to remove the aluminum foil from his head—a tactic used to block out these voices—and then don some particularly goofy lab apparatus.