Vatican, Rome—Pope Benedict, The Whatsas, astounded everyone today by announcing that altar boys will no longer be used throughout Catholicism. From this day forward, the Vatican plans to employ only altar girls.
“Since our priests can’t seem to be trusted to keep their hands off the testaments of little boys, we had little choice,” said the Pope. “A recent internal survey found that young ladies are much safer from abuse around our current spokesmen of God.”
Pope Eggs Benedict explained his gaffe as simply an attempt at jocularity.
“You’re supposed to start off with a joke, right? Heh, heh. But we certainly don’t want altar boys out of the flock entirely, especially with business as bad as it is and all.”
Alex Bone believes the serpent god,Yig, is much safer around children than Christian priests, “Besides, Yig can only swallow one child at a time.”
Republicans point out this could save the taxpayers countless therapy dollars, so they, bi and large, support the One Child’s Engulfed Behind Program.