News & Politics

News & Politics

Discord Editors Indicted on Error Charges

Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA – CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious with his editing staff.

“Exxon/Mobile? Really, people? Mobile? That was a headline!” yelled Winslow. “I am not responsible for the editing, censoring, and content butchery that you, our faithful readers, have come to expect from this less than stellar e-zine.”

Winslow’s plan to correct the ongoing proofing fiasco is to outsource the Discord’s editing needs overseas.

“Each article and cartoon is now going to be sent to an editing group from India, where they will undergo an intensive editing process before the material is returned to Philadelphia via carrier pigeon.”

When asked about keeping jobs in America, Winslow said, “Look, I tried using my contributors. They lose shit and, frankly, they’re incompetent. They have no artistic ability, no Photoshop skills, and English is almost a second language to them…and not because they know another language!”

The Daily Discord’s CEO intends to ramp up his War-on-Error and put an end to all radical exciseism by contracting out with the MOFLE Group—a band of Mercenary Overseas Free Lance Editors (MOFLEs).

“Besides, they’ll help me get rid of these lousy acronym jokes once and for all,” added Winslow. “The regular contributors are next,” warned Winslow. “It’s all part of the third stage in my India outsourcing plan. Don’t worry. I think you will all enjoy catching up on the latest Bollywood gossip. Did you hear Aishwarya Rai is pregnant with Apu of the Simpsons’ love child? Well, of course you didn’t, but that all ends today…that is, when the pigeon gets here.”

Putin Blames Russia’s Poor Olympic Performance on Global Warming

Putin Blames Russia’s Poor Olympic Performance on Global Warming

Moscow, RU—Instead of discussing the recent terrorist attack in his country, Vladimir Putin remained fixated throughout his speech today on Russia’s poor Olympic performance. Putin blamed his country’s gross underachieving on global warming.

“Climate change is real, and it’s real bad for the Winter Olympics,” said Putin.

The Russian President went on to explain how the warmer weather riddled Team Russia with obstacles.

“Except those event-specific obstacles one would expect,” clarified Putin. “Coaches reported how each time the figure skaters or hockey players practiced, the slush on the ice was almost ankle high. And don’t even get me started on curling,” added Putin.

While trying to maintain the ice, Zamboni drivers drowned almost daily.

“How many more Zamboni drivers must die before the world wakes up to the dangers we all face?!” yelled a weepy Putin. (Incidentally, if you Google ‘yelled a weepy putin’ you get a tree indigenous to Narnia.)

Russia’s utter embarrassment has drastically shifted the country’s perception of climate change. To drill that point home, Putin ended his speech with a plea to Al Gore, “If Mr. Gore would come out of hiding, Russia would like to commission him to direct our own climate change awareness film, It Could Happen To Moscow.”

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Nashville, TN—Former Vice President Al Gore is downplaying his retreat into seclusion since the recent global warming scandal surfaced.

“I was not hiding for that!” insisted Gore.  “I was getting up the courage to tell the American people my real inconvenient truth.”

Gore revealed to a stunned audience that he enjoys dressing like a woman, “even more than Rudy Giuliani.”

Gore admitted to reporters that the real motivation behind his “green” activism was the fear that “if the world became too hot, people would notice my fishnet stockings.”  Gore added, “Now that my secret is out, I plan to strut my stuff whenever and wherever possible.”

Gore ended the press conference by pulling off his suit pants, revealing a pair of silky nylons, to the backdrop of Tim Curry’s version of Sweet Transvestite.

He then attempted to climb a nearby flag pole, yelling, “I am woman, hear me Gore!” before being dragged out of the room by security.  

Dear Sir,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the above faux article about the “green” activist who wears women’s clothes. Many of my best friends are eco-activists and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours faithfully,

Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.)

PS — I have never kissed the editor of the Daily Discord.

Long-Term Cannabis Use Linked to Partying in Lab Rats

Long-Time Cannabis Use Linked to Partying in Lab Rats

State College, PA—In another complete waste of the tax payer’s dime, two Daily Discord contributors used stimulus funds to conduct research on as many young coeds as they could get their hands on.

“The research was not without its challenges,” admitted head researcher, Dave Atsals. “It’s getting harder to get women to let us into their dorm rooms, because we’re older and creepier now.”

Fellow researcher, Mick Zano, could not disagree more.  “We were always creepy, Dave.” 

The two conducted a study that suggests a robust and perky correlation between marijuana use and college shindiggery.  The journal article, entitled, Dorms, Bongs, and Misdemeanors: A Quaaludeatative Study on Wine, Women, and Weed, is due to post in Lancet, if Winslow can hack into their database when no one is looking. 

The study has survived the rigorous beer-review process and was passed around in a circle along with some choice hydroponic bud.

When asked why the two researchers chose young college women as their test subjects instead of lab rats, they both replied in unison, “You’re kidding, right?”

Actually, there was a long pause before their, back-of-the-throat type, gaspy answer.  The researchers both followed up the question with a long stream of greasy smoke and several STDs.

Regional Envoy for Crash Test Union Mannequins Calls for Strike

Regional Envoy for Crash Test Union Mannequins Calls for Strike

San Jose, CA—President of the Regional Envoy for Crash Test Union Mannequins (R.E.C.T.U.M.), Bob Blankstare, stated at a press conference today that no more tests of Toyota automobiles will be manned by union dummies.

“Until Toyota shows us proof that they have fixed all the problems on their 2010 models, not one of our Dummies will go anywhere near a Toyota,” said Blankstare.  “We may be dummies, but we’re not idiots.”

Blankstare believes several Toyota models were responsible for at least one incident, during which a vehicle careened into a brick wall at high speeds.

When asked, “But wasn’t the vehicle supposed to careen into a wall at high speed?”

Blankstare replied, “Yeah, of course, but at a predetermined high speed, is my point.”

Blankstare also had a stern warning for those dummies planning to break ranks with the union and continue to work.

“Those who cross picket lines to climb into one of these death traps will earn the name scab,” said Blankstare, slamming a balled plastic fist into his other hand. “Frankly, our jobs are hard enough without any additional dangerous problems. You couldn’t pay me enough right now to get behind the wheel of a Corolla.  So we plan to sit this one out, folks.”

Regional Envoy for Crash Test Union Mannequins Calls for Strike

Fledgling Discord Freelancers Felled by Unfriendly Fusillade

Pierce Winslow shoots down another contributor

Philadelphia, PA – Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

“The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin’ me?” said Winslow. “We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you’re good, maybe you’ll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils.”

“Yeah, cash, what’s that?” stated Dave Atsals. “I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?”

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: “It’s for fame and glory purposes only.”

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

“Then he typically loses the file,” said Zano, “or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, ‘What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels’ and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking.”

“It’s better than how the process used to work,” added Atsals.

Dr. Obamacare: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Healthcare Bill

Mick Zano

Mr. Pernick, Obama is simply preparing you for something Republicans have put off thinking about for a long time…something called the future.  Your view of reality is as short-lived as that new Facebook group, Mohammed Caricature Artists of Damascus (has the meeting been moved to Wed., Abdullah?).  In the immortal words of Dan Akroyd, “Do you want to see something really scary?”  Try reading the UK’s defense plan for the next twenty-five years.  I have.  Soylent Green, it’s Brit folk.  I think sending them all that SPAM during the war has changed their DNA.   Now if we could only find a more eco-friendly way to upgrade yours…

The U.S. doesn’t release such defense documents, because our democracy died somewhere back on 03’.  Gee, who was in charge then?  The numbers and the supplies just don’t add up.  Unless, of course, you are more of a non-Euclidian geometry, Yig-loving, Alex Bone type.  The neococoon hasn’t figured out yet that we’re heading for some troubled waters.  Unfortunately, many in the heartland just plan to drive their Hemi’s to the ‘Seared Meat Barn’ until the bitter end, and future generations be damned.  I understand your dilemma.  You’ve lived your whole lives encased in some seventies’ John Travolta movie.  Example, your defense of our current healthcare system is great for the Mr. Burnses of the world—who are planning to have their heads transferred into Futuramaesque glass stabilization jars—but it’s not so good for the rest of us.  You see, most of us are not going to enter the hospital via the private heliport.  In my state, AZ, in a few weeks, you won’t be able to get to the doctors at the ED through the masses of mentally ill folks swarming like lithium free locusts (LFL).  Oh, and if you saw that last lousy acronym joke (LLAJ), Winslow is asleep on the job (WAJ). 

I know Republicans like to hit the snooze button a lot.  If only they’d sleep through some votes.  The worst aspects of both R and D want to invariably crawl back into some simpler time—but look what it did to those 3D-blue people on Pandora! 

No, Mr. Pernick, I have not read Your Life, Your Choices (AKA, the government’s end of life “So You’re Fucked” handbook), but you do realize the Republican version will be Your Denial, Our Choice.  What’s so wrong about sending out a government-issue “So, You’re Fucked” handbook?  It’s wake up time, peeps.  People should know their end of life options.  I don’t know about you, but I plan on dying at some point, granted, it’s last on my list, but at least it’s on my list.  When the baby boomers retire and the once viable U.S. economy is finally diagnosed properly, the real shit storm will begin.  Big Brother is just trying to warm us up slowly to the impending suckage.  When you have no money, or at least not enough for the Heliport Access Healthcare (HAH!), wouldn’t you rather have the comfort of a “So You’re Fucked” handbook?  I have my own “So You’re Fucked” handbook, it’s called the Bartender’s Black Book.  Plan B is the healthcare bill stack of medical marijuana scripts in my dresser.  Plan C is my Tinfoil Friendly-Hydroponic closet (TFH-THC).  Man, Winslow’s napping. 

You, Mr. Pernick, don’t have a plan at all, do you?  Oh, that’s right, you watch Fox Snooze.

There are other end-of-life views than your more fundamentalist version.  At least atheists and integralists have that in common.  I don’t believe you go to hell if, at ninety-something, you decide to jump into the Grand Canyon rather than face one more day of Nurse Rachett.  I like actor Brian Kieth’s view, “When someone calls you an asshole and you can’t kick the shit out of them, what’s the point?” or some such.

I don’t think it’s worth digging deeply into my children’s inheritance to keep my ticker ticking for six more minutes.  Unless, of course, Nurse Rachett accommodates some last requests.  Then all bets are off.  On that point, I want to go to a “happy ending” nursing home.   I’m sure Vegas will have some by then.   (Start looking for a good one for us now, Tony.  Start in Chinatown.)  Here’s the problem, this book Your Life, Your Choices probably doesn’t contain the same level of denial to which you are accustomed.  Sorry, but for most of us, it makes no sense at ninety something to spend a gazillion dollars to keep us alive for an extra week or two—just ask my family.  But, I agree, it should be an individual’s choice.  If you have the money, go for it.  I am not prepared to blockade the heliport (at least not yet).  Someone may choose tons of late procedures for fear of God’s wrath, fear of death, or a whole lot of other fear paradigms in which Republicans tend to excel.  That’s fine, but the fundamentalist thinkers of the world need to understand that other people have decidedly more pragmatic approaches, involving hookers, or nurses dressed like hookers, or hookers dressed like nurses (again it’s about individual choice and, in some cases, leather).  Some other end of life books, are in there own way, quite spiritual (see: leather).  Take the Tibetan Book of the Dead, for example.  Some embrace the end as a necessary shift that builds each soul toward the next spiritual plane.  Others, driven by spirituality, fly planes into buildings.  Heck, on that note, I may even spring for the two-nurse Buddha booty bye bye.  Sorry about the bill, kids…community college won’t be so bad.

I do agree with your assessment of late term abortions and you are also correct about how curbing populations are a prime governmental focus for the future.  If you read the, er, “techniques” the UK will be employing soon, they are far more extreme.  Well, it’s no more extreme, really, it’s just Brits are more honest about the future.  Another part of this equation is fear.  What you fear, Mr. Pernick, is the shift from fundamentalist thinking (blue) to more scientific/entrepreneurial thinking (orange) to really scary liberal thinking (green).  You are right to fear such societal shifts.  They are no easy trick.  According to Ken Wilber, we can’t forget to pack the important pieces from each level without risking potentially disastrous consequences.  Today’s world is fraught with people insisting we tear down everything that came before it.  Even the new age movement, which I harbor some clear sympathy towards, have whole factions who want to nuke society and climb back into the nearest tree.  This return to Eden shit is for the birds…apparently, they will be living in the branches next to them. 

I have been saying for years that each level needs better and smarter spokespeople. I agree with some things Fox stands for, but the presentation sucks (No, Crank, I am not talking about Megan Kelly—her tits are real fine.  I’m talking about the content.  No, Crank, not the size; they’re perfectly perky Geez, would you let me write here?).  Wilber’s ‘Levels’ are not an indicator of intelligence.  Hitler and Bin Laden are clear examples of super intelligent, morally bankrupt individuals.  I, therefore, have tried to champion and encourage the best from each perspective. AKA, fundamentalism blue level needs better spokes people than Pat Robertson, entrepreneurial orange needs better spokesmen than Bill Krystol and green needs better spokesmen than Michael Moore.  Each, in their own way, are very rigid and will not allow for a progressive growth or shift into the next perspective.  Sometimes I do attack and demean as bad as the Crank, which is hardly integral, but I try to limit my transgression to those worst aspects of each level.  Example, Osama Bin Laden is about the worst version of fundamentalist thinking and John Paul the II may represent the best.  We have much to learn from John Paul, and we need to string the other guy up.  

If our countries’ leaders adopted a more integral approach, the next transition would be a smoother, less violent. I am waiting patiently for Wilber’s Integral Politics for the blueprints.  I am also waiting patiently for Obama to wake up and smell the integral coffee.  Nine states are talking about seceding, which is astounding because these are, for the most part, Bushies and Tea Partiers—those who backed the dismantling of our land our laws and our future.  But let’s let bygones, be bygones. I’ll get over it…someday. I want a real leader to emerge in that Tea Party movement.  Ron Paul may be such a leader.  Whereas I don’t agree with him on a lot of issues, he’s the best they’ve got.  Oh, and Sarah Palin represents about the worst they’ve got.  Fox infuriates me because they always champion the worst of the worst…”the people of the land, the common clay of the new west…you know, morons.” (What movie?)

Jesus Tells Obama to “Grow a Pair”

Jesus Tells Obama to "Grow a Pair"

In an exclusive interview, the Son of God interviewed Barak “Messiah” Obama.  Christ almost immediately called Obama a “whiner” and said today’s political climate was “child’s play” compared to his own experiences.

“You try transitioning mankind from the Old Testament to the New Testament some time,” said Jesus.  “Now that’s change you can believe in.  When I came into power people were stoning gays to death, and God was smiting this and smiting that.  He was taking out whole towns, for My sake.”

When Obama questioned how he handled economic issues, Jesus said, “I, quite literally, turned the tables on the economic gurus of the time.”

But Jesus admitted he was out of control that day, which he attributes to consuming too much “Blood of Me.”  Jesus has never been able to forgive himself for his actions, because “Forgiveness is not my scene, man.”

“Look,” said Jesus, “they can’t do anything worse to you than they did to me.”

When Obama asked him to recount his final moments, Jesus said, “Well, it was a lot better than Mel Gibson’s portrayal in the Passion of the Christ but it was a lot worse than Monty Python’s version in Life of Brian.”

Jesus also admitted the Shroud of Turin was a fake, but that the grilled cheese image from Carolina was legit.

“I just happened to be in town and thought, fry not?” 

The Death Book Resurrection by Messiah Obama

Rick Right Pernick

A couple weeks ago the Wall Street Journal published an article on Your Life, Your Choices and this was not directed at 15 year-old cheerleader with an enlarged stomach.  This 53 page booklet, first published during the Clinton Administration, was promoted, by The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) as a source of information on how to develop a living will.   Bush’s White House was smart enough to realize the contents of the book advocated the perverse benefit of ending one’s own life and nixed the distribution of “The Death Book,” also known as the “Tibetan Book of the Discord.”

I read through this death book and was appalled by the content, not in a dissimilar manner to perusing this website. In virtually every example of disease or disability, the book is designed to project a feeling that perhaps it’s better to die than to live, saving your family and society from the burden of having to take care of you.  There is an exercise in the death book that asks “What makes your life worth living?”  There are four responses you can choose:

  • Life like this would be difficult but acceptable (and it’s illegal to kill the kids)
  • Life like this would be worth living, but just barely (and it’s illegal to kill the wife)
  • Life like this would be not worth living (unless I upgrade to a skinny chick)
  • Life like this would be…can’t answer now

The most positive outlook emphasizes the difficulty of life with the conditions described.  The death book focuses on the discomfort associated with life-sustaining care, and is life really worth living if you have to live in discomfort?  I am an individual with a disability (only part mental), I live in discomfort every day of my life (I write for the Daily Discord), but I’d rather be living than the alternative (say, a lengthy stay at the Ghetto Shaman’s Warrior Nursing Home Retreat). 

Another example deals with the pain one has from undergoing CPR if cardiac arrest occurs, describing the pain one experiences from chest compression and how a collapsed lung may occur for those who survive such compressions.  One is asked to contemplate if they prefer to experience this “pain”, or simply die and be comfortable.  They are encouraging whole factions of our fellow Americans to take the ‘societal big sleep,’ as it were.

Obama, democrats, and the culture of death and discord

As with most democrats, Obama surrounds himself with the culture of death.  He is pro-abortion, including the barbaric act of partial birth abortion, a horrific procedure where the newborn has exited the birth canal more than 50%, and then the baby is murdered, often after he or she has started crying.  (I apologize if the description of this procedure bothered anyone, but people need to understand that abortion does indeed destroy LIFE.)  Obama is pro-infanticide, as a State Senator he voted to prevent health care to babies who survived abortion procedures, allowing healthy babies to die from malnutrition or any other means since this PERSON wasn’t supposed to be permitted to live prior to exiting the womb.  I understand the flipside of this argument as it pertains to most of the Discord’s contributors (but these are the exceptions to the rule).

Now Obama advocates universal health care, but how universal is it?  HR3200 provides coverage to all women seeking abortion.  Since Obama is pro-infanticide, at what age before or after birth can one’s own child be terminated if the mother chooses to do so.  The government will pay to kill a life, but has no interest in providing the health care to sustain the baby’s life.

Obama and HR3200 provides mandatory “end-of-life” every five years for seniors or anyone else who suffers a potential life threatening disease or disorder.  Much of what’s in Obamacare for end of life “coverage” actually promotes death much like the death book.  In fact, While Sarah Palin is taking a beating for her open and honest assessment of Obamacare’s “death panels”, she is correct.  Government through Obama’s so-called stimulus bill provided the administration funding for such a panel to determine who should be provided “funding” based on their financial worth to society.  Obama has said it himself, and I quote “maybe instead of having surgery, it would be better to take a painkiller or see the Ghetto Shaman”.  What he is actually saying is “maybe instead of having LIFE-SUSTAINING surgery, it would be better to take a painkiller UNTIL YOU DIE.”  Everyone knows what Obama means, few other that Rush, Sarah, and I have the courage to communicate it.

A Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Engineer Exposed as Al-Qaeda Operative!

A Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Engineer Exposed as Al-Qaeda Operative!

Springfield, (classified)—A Springfield man is in custody after the discovery that Al-Qaeda operatives have infiltrated several U.S. nuclear power plants.  Springfield’s Mayor, Joe Quimby, wants answers—and not the “Yes” ones that he usually requires of his staff.  Since the plant’s debut in 1989, Mr. Simpson has been involved in several near melt downs while manning the facility’s T-437 Safety Console.  Shockingly, none have resulted in his dismissal.  The owner of the Springfield plant, C. Montgomery Burns, is adamantly denying Simpson’s ties to terrorism.

“If this walking garbage-disposal of a man is Al-Qaeda then I’m Sandra Bullock.”

Neighbors describe Simpson as, “Oakily Doakily.”  However, Homer Simpson is well known to the local police department.

Chief Clancy Wiggum had this to say, “Simpson’s a menace.  I deal with him and his family almost weekly, usually Sundays 8:00-8:30PM on Fox.”

Thus far Simpson’s request to be “Yoo-Hoo boarded” has been denied.  Bush Attorney John Yoo defends the practice of Yoo-Hoo boarding on purely phonetical grounds.

“Besides, how could something so creamy and chocolaty be torture?” said Yoo.

“Mmmm, chocolaty,” said Simpson.