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The Heimlich Manuever Spews And Don’ts

by Alex Bone • December 6, 2016

Collapsing Motel, Arizona—Either I care about your health and safety, dear reader, or I hope this will get someone to hire me for my mad CPR training skills. Hopefully before I get thrown out of the decency-impaired motel I’m staying in. I’ve been teaching people CPR all over this beautiful state for almost 18 years now and I’ve learned a few things, most of which revolve around how little I would trust the average person to preform CPR on me. The Heimlich Maneuver, that’s another story. If CPR is the horror show, then the Heimlich is the keg party with the wet t-shirt contest. Don’t worry, I’ve never said that in my trainings, except for the drink-friendly versions.

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by Mick Zano • November 28, 2016

This isn’t about healing anymore, it’s about collapsing. I’m afraid that’s the only trick left in the republican bag of tricks. Speaking of bags, why not stuff your political party into one, light it on fire, and leave it in on someone’s porch? I would say ‘wake up’, but it’s probably best to stay asleep at this point. Trumptophan? In 2017 why bother having a political opinion at all? Our political fortunes are akin to Sartre and Camus collaborating on a country western song during a Walking Dead episode. So let’s focus on what matters now, hoarding Ramen. If you’ve read some Zano, my political posts are essentially a funny, yet damning indictment of the party that will eventually be our undoing. Despite my 11 followers, the political right has grown into the strong, delusional force that we see today. It’s not histrionics to say we’re history. Them’s the facts. Now that the republicans have a super majority, let’s channel some Zevon as our ride is here. So I propose a toast, to being toast!

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by Mick Zano • November 3, 2016

How is a Trump Administration still a thing in November 2016? Extinction is fine, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing. Why are patriotic people so bent on our destruction? Some of you are saying, “It’s all of the Hillary scandals!” You are correct, you simply neglected to add the word ‘bullshit’ before the word scandals. The Hillary witch hunt is perhaps the greatest affront to reason in the 21st century, and that’s saying something when republican’s comment on stuff everyday. I find myself in the strange position of defending the Great White Pantsuit. A summary of her scandals range from no wrong doing, all the way to very little wrongdoing. Wow. You do know she’s a politician, right? Can we at least agree on that much? There’s no way anyone in history could withstand this kind of decade-after-decade scrutiny, yet she remains strong. Let’s compare her with the best R president in the last fifty years, who illegally funded the Iran Contras and helped create Al-Qaeda. Out of respect, I left out his questionable performance in Bedtime For Bonzo. Hillary would have created Al-Qaeda, but she was too busy creating ISIS.

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by Mick Zano • October 25, 2016

constitutionzanonML We do need a counterbalance to liberal excesses, but who’s that going to be exactly? How did you end up on the wrong side of this thing, Pokey? Do you no longer have access to information, or can you no longer process it effectively? Here’s my summary of your last post: you have 1862 and back through history down to a science, so just start embracing post 1862 science. You returned to a time when Roscoe was still chasing you, me, and Dave Pa all around Hazzard County. How are Republican types still laboring with the misapprehension that they have a point about anything? Start there, Pokey, and the world will be your oyster. Granted it will be an oyster with Hep C, but an oyster nevertheless.

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by Pokey McDooris • October 23, 2016

How can I, a limited government constitutionalist, support Donald Trump? Especially when at times he seems akin to an unlimited government Mussolinist? Fair question. Lets first recall my political philosophy and contrast that with the political philosophy of Progressivism. As Zano would say, don’t worry, with jokes! Let’s start with my view that the Constitution is a simple document with a simple message, namely, all individuals are granted certain rights and those individuals set up limited government to protect those rights. Thus the Bill of Rights (for individuals) begins the Constitution, and the 10th Amendment clarifies how powers not specifically granted to the federal government shall fall to the state government, local government, and individuals. There is a beautiful simplicity in this constitutional philosophy. But progressives don’t dig simplicity, do they? Libs are constantly telling us how complicated the issues are, and therefore we simple folk must relinquish our simple rights to the evolved expert elites in order to solve the very complicated issues of our day.

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by Mick Zano • September 19, 2016

Kidding, I want a competency evaluation for the entire Republican establishment. Kidding, there is no longer a Republican establishment. Kidding, it’s established but need not be. Let me start again: our VP candidate, Mike Pence, is apparently a huge Dick ….Cheney fan. Some of you may remember Cheney as the guy touting a 13% approval rating at the end of his tenor. The man who is still giving Obama foreign policy advice despite a scathing intelligence report released this friggin’ week. Essentially this latest report identifies the invasion of Iraq as the event that ultimately threw a lifeline to jihadism and helped spread terrorism globally. It was the single worst foreign policy decision since Nam, but it will have much longer global ramifications. The world has still not recovered from Cheney’s recklessness and may never. He should not be venerated. In fact, if you still believe in the rule of law he should be hung. Maybe Pence is also hung and, if frequently aroused, this could impact blood flow to the brain. [Dick Brainy joke removed by the editor.]

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by Mick Zano • August 22, 2016

Here’s a homework assignment for those disenfranchised Sanders supporters among us. Besides learning how to count delegates correctly, I want you all to direct your youthful angst toward a certain government agency. It’s called the Drug Enforcement Agency. They are the ones shooting your dog and arresting your loved ones for harmless substances. Crack lives matter! Look, even I do retractions and I am just a spoof news satirist, which I believe means I worship Clown Satan (sorry, I never studied). So who is the 2016 Gold Medal winner for lack of retractions? You guessed it, the DEA. After five years of legal proceedings, marijuana will remain a Schedule 1 substance. Ballistic does not begin to capture the adjectives swirling around my head right now, so let’s add the DEA to the coveted Hall Of Things That No Longer Serve A Purpose. Recap: you lost the War on Drugs, badly, and now let’s add your stunning loss to the War on Reason. They should be part of John Oliver’s How Is This Still A Thing?

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by Mick Zano • August 14, 2016

Sorry Republicans, but the DNC was a fairly impressive display. It delivered what the RNC never could, complete sentences. It was a shame how Putin and friends stole the libs mojo right before Act 1. Cossack Thunder? Oh, and I saw my first Hillary bumper sticker the other day! It was on the back of a limo, followed by a fleet of other limos …in Philadelphia …during the convention. Well, at least Hillary is ready for Hillary. One down, 57 million to go! I’d say she has two votes in the bag, but Bill always cheats when you leave him alone for five minutes. Proposition 69? If The GOP continues to get worse at math, maybe she can win the presidency with fewer electoral college votes. We’ll just tell Donald it’s like golf, the lowest score wins. No matter what happens in November, I remain proud of our current President. I know a lot of folks will be glad to see the Obamas go, but eventually you will come to realize how the highest office in the land demands a thoughtful/intelligent person. Kidding, Republicans are to realization as Cthulhu is to mindfulness.

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by Mick Zano • August 6, 2016

Let’s downgrade all Republican cognitive thought distortions to simply distortions as cognition has little to do with it. Today’s GOP is so far from the truth even Fox Mulder is like, “Damn, that’s some crazy conspiracy shit.” The closest they ever get to reality is the coveted half-truth. The half-truth is out there? The nonsense espoused at the recent RNC is proof that logic no longer has a place amidst this Angry Mob of Misinformed ‘Muricans. AMMM radio?

Sure the GOP would argue its relevance, but if you are still processing information accurately then how come you’re always wrong? ….or, more accurately, wronger? Vote for the tyrant for freedom! End taxes to pay down the deficit! No safety net for wellbeing! No unions for the worker! Unnecessary wars to victory! No regs for the rapture! With this approach to reality, how are we ever going to pay for Herr Trump’s annexation of Canada? Wait… I think what the GOP is doing might actually be a form of thought, just the opposite. Noruens? How about contra-cognitions? …no? Reverse politistalsis?

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by Mick Zano • July 17, 2016

I’ve been predicting the demise of the GOP for years, but is it inevitable? How do we shift toward more meaningful discourse? How do we bring the marginalized back into the conversation, you know, before they form the Christian Republican State In the South (CRSIS)? …with CRSIS comes opportunity? These racial divisions are symptoms of a greater illness. The paranoia and neurotic nationalism gripping our planet is the growing pangs of the inevitable shift toward globalization. Fear and bigotry are fueling this Brexitesque romanticism. We have one group struggling to muddle forward and the other scratching and clawing their way back into some cave. How do we embrace the future with nearly half our country is still swinging from the trees and thumping their chest at trespassers? Republicans in the Mist?

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