Articles

features

Negativity Bias, Interpersonal Circumplexes, and Other Political Psychobabble

by Mick Zano • August 6, 2014

Today we cover more of the psychological dysfunction behind modern day republicanism. Granted, today’s liberals aren’t particularly healthy, but the bigger story remains the GOP’s mega cognitive dissonance (MCD). It’s so thick you can cut it with a knife, but I wouldn’t try that! Remember those stand-your-ground laws? The Discord’s chief psychologist, Dr. Kwela Juluka, will be weighing in so to borrow a line from Fareed, let’s get smarted.

Yes…I keep covering The GOP’s nosedive into a delusional personality disorder, because it’s a big deal. This is a condition with a very poor prognosis, both for those afflicted and their nursing home roommates. I have always felt President Clinton’s impeachment marked the moment when this extremist movement first reared its ugly talking head—a moment in time when one party turned on that fateful Batshit signal, a beacon of wrongness that has shone brightly ever since. The Issa’s of that time, not only doggedly pursued the Lewinsky scandal, but they even tried to implicate the Clintons in the death of Vince Foster. Remember that? Twenty years later and this is their norm. Coincidentally, this is also when Matt Drudge entered the scene:

“Since Matt Drudge launched his website (1997) thousands of news sites have appeared to challenge the official globalist dominated political orthodoxy, its censorship and omissions, and offer humanity a truly more balanced and less bias examination of the world.”

—Infowars.com, 7/14

Yes, Infowars, who would put their actual name next to that pile of shit? My assessment of Matt is a tad different:

“Matt Drudge birthed and fomented a sociopathic alternate political reality, the likes of which this country has never seen, and the benefits of which remain as elusive as its contribution to our political discourse.”

—Mick (not my real name) Zano

Chris Mooney over on Slate reviewed a recent John Hibbing et al (University of Nebraska) study on the link between negative bias and conservatism. Essentially this study suggests republicans can hone in on any negative tidbit and incorporate it into their worldview faster than the Flash after a case of Jolt Cola.

So where was this ‘advanced super fear’ (ASF) during the administration that brought us to the brink of ruin? ….you know, when it might have been helpful.

“The conservative ideology, and especially one of its major facets—centered on a strong military, tough law enforcement, resistance to immigration, widespread availability of guns—would seem well tailored for an underlying, threat-oriented biology.”

—Chris Mooney on Hibbing et al.

So even though everything collapsed under W, conservative types felt safer with the actions of that administration, however wrong or ill-conceived, because it was more in tune with their faulty wiring (see: Netanyahu’s actions 2014 Gaza). Hibbing’s study suggests republicans have a heightened awareness for only certain types of bad news. They have the ability to immediately hone in on that one tidbit of any given report, poll, trend, policy that supports their ideology, or can easily be twisted into such. Rightwing media coverage also panders to their fear-based mentality and their need to lash out at anything deemed foreign.

Fox News (FP4F)

Fear Porn 4 Scared Fucks

These traits worked wonderfully in the Pleistocene Era when republicans could deport saber-tooth tigers from their tribal regions with impunity (panther-way to amnesty?). Sorry.

Make no mistake, 2014 is chock full of concerning shit, but none of the real problems are even covered on Fox News. I also believe liberal bloggers are at least capable of discussing an entire concept. They report a number of facts, pro and con, on any given topic. Sure they highlight the parts that put their views and beliefs in a good light, we all do, but good liberal blogs tend to be data heavy. Take Andrew Sullivan, Jonathon Chait, Paul Waldman, Juan Cole, Kevin Drum, CNN’s Fareed Zakaria and dozens more. The republicans have nothing like them, nothing…well, they had Sullivan (why he moved left, here).

“Paris Hilton has more depth after huffing paint thinner than today’s republicans.”

—Mick Zano (today)

Their ability to shift everything into their worldview (see: Coulterian Flip) is an important part of their confirmation bias, luckily you can reuse such distortions or they would have broken them all by now. There is some good news, with the GOP’s recent mastery of confirmation bias, normalcy bias, media bias and now negativity bias, they’re well on their way to earning a 10th cognitive distortion free!

This is a hell of a time to check out of the dialogue—or, worse yet, invent a parallel one—when so much is riding on the choices our country now faces. These windows wherein we can effect real change are closing. Who am I kidding? We’ve missed more fucking windows than Stevie Wonder in Amsterdam’s red light district.

On that note, I asked Dr. Kwela to weigh in:

Timothy Leary, long recognized as an LSD guru, was previous to that honor known for his work in Interpersonal Psychology (IP). In IP, a relationship does not exist within either of any of the parties involved, but rather exists as a separate entity, in essence hovering in the space, or interpersonal circumplex, between the dyad or within the group. In other words, it takes two to Tango, and if you change partners, you may find yourself shifting instantaneously and unconsciously from the Tango into doing the Rhumba, possibly Break-dancing, participating in a threesome, or even mud wrestling. The circumplex is mapped on bipolar axes: A) power, control, status; and 2) warmth, friendliness, solidarity. If two people find themselves at the junction of the axes, the dance is likely to move to the bedroom (metaphorically speaking); however, if the positions of the parties move significantly away from one another, and especially toward the opposing far corners of the graph paper, bullets may fly (literally).

My take on this, when applied to politics – and particularly conservative politics – is that the right wing has carved out its niche at (or better yet, painted itself into) a corner of the circumplex that we might generously describe as faux dominant truculence. A dog trainer with such a disposition would have no work and no dog. A cashier, no cash. A poll dancer, no grasp. Those on the right have ignored Kant’s suggestion that we should act as if the principle of our action should be made universal law. They have scorned Schopenhauer’s observation that compassion is the basis of morality. They have forgotten (or never learned) the important concepts from the Enlightenment, from which the motivation to write the Declaration of Independence blossomed. Rather, they have adopted the most primitive linguistic structure imaginable built on a bizarre collection of frothy arcane blips issued by Ronald Reagan, Ayn Rand, and the Taliban.

I must go belch now.

Dr. Kwela juluka

I suffered from a bout of faux dominant truculence myself, but a gastroenterologist really helped. Actually, I think Sullivan refers to this as Chicken Hawk conservatism a phenomenon only deepening with the unchecked support of Israel’s actions in Gaza. And I immediately thought of the border crisis when you mentioned Schopenhauer’s compassion. What are the deaths of children on our border if such deaths can be turned to political advantage? Republicans believe some Machiavellian return to power would be its own reward, but what are they basing this on? Certainly not recent history.

Oh, and I thought the term integral psychology was coined by Ken Wilber. Shows what I know. An overview of some other GOP thought distortions, here, and my diagnosing of the Grand Old Party here.

With so few successes, why is the Fox Nation still relevant?

Good question. There remains a strong, albeit misguided, tenacity on the right. Republicans are united in their hatred for liberal causes, which gives them strength. However, their inability at course corrections is a huge detriment and is, at least in part, why I don’t think the GOP will win the senate in the midterms, even though the odds are currently greatly stacked in their favor.

Cognitive dissonance used to be limited to their inability to accurately predict outcomes, but now there’s mounting dissonance within their own party. How do they absorb all of this? The GOP’s candidates are all over the map, yet somehow they remain one Fox Nation. There’s a marked difference between establishment RINOs v. Tea Partiers on economic issues and a monster disparity between neocons v. isolationists on foreign policy, yet, even when republicans are more splintered than Pinocchio’s call-girl, they still manage to hold onto a stronger base than liberals. See, you lazy hipsters! This is why we can’t have nice things! The only thing you Pabst drinking Portlandians can Occupy is, well, this said it best:

We are Discord!

We occupy space

The right’s successful use of cognitive distortions are clearly part of their ‘strategery’. I would back a Rand Paul over a neocon any day, but it’s a moot point; he won’t be their nominee. He doesn’t fit into either the wrong or wronger part of The GOP. He’s a bit of an anomaly.

“One part Rand, one part fiction, they’re a voting contradiction.”

—Aynrandonmous

If Paul somehow does win the nomination in 2016, the republicans will have made a seamless 180˚ transition from Hannibal to Neville Chamberlain, without missing a single victorious news cycle. It’s all part of my Zen Wrongness theory (post soon). But a Rand Paul nomination would signal a huge rebuke to the neocon wing of the party, but it would be a quiet coup, devoid of any recognition of past ills. Fox is never having to say you’re Stossel. Sorry.

As I’ve mentioned before, you can run a story every day for a decade highlighting every person displeased with their Obamacare coverage, but it doesn’t change the fact twice as many people are happier with their coverage, here, and ten million more are covered, here, and it’s bringing down overall healthcare costs, here and here. You know, the polar opposite of everything republican’s predicted. This can be broken down similarly for every issue. For instance, a judge just recently ruled that, outside of human error, there’s no widespread voter fraud in the U.S., here, but that won’t stop the GOP from covering each of our estimated .01 instances of voter fraud. It won’t change the final number, but it will dupe some dopes.

I will not deny Fox News is having a real impact on reality. Winning! The Sean Hannitys and the Matt Drudges of the world have successfully wrestled the microphones away from the Cronkites and—

[Megaphony joke omitted by the editor]

You can’t omit my last joke, Winslow!

Dear Mick Zano,

Yes, yes I can.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO

P.S. And the word ‘joke’ is a bit of a stretch.

by Pokey McDooris • August 2, 2014

Data collected from a recent questionnaire given to freshmen college students suggests the self-esteem of our nation’s young people is rising, while their merits and achievements are steadily declining. Consider the implications: increased self-esteem accompanied by decreased test scores and marketable skills equals…well, just peruse the better part of the Daily Discord contributor list.

Let’s consider a case study of our own Little Johnny, a normal all-American child with an idyllic upbringing. Johnny’s parents taught him that he was a very special child. Under the guidance of social workers, his parents made their whole world revolve around Johnny. He was very well provided for–whatever Johnny wanted, Johnny got.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s psychologist told his parents and teachers that Johnny’s anxiety and anger were triggered by unusually harsh demands being placed on him and by being told “no”, the other “n” word as Johnny’s parents now refer to it. Johnny’s school stopped imposing consequences on Johnny for his aggressive outbursts; instead his teachers now give him stickers, prizes, and toys, whenever Johnny goes an hour without assaulting anyone.

Good job, Johnny.

The school no longer uses the word ‘teacher’ when describing their relationship with Johnny. You see, the word ‘teacher’ implies that this person is hierarchically ‘better’ than Johnny. This phrasing could hurt Johnny’s feelings by making him feel inferior. In order to best bolster Johnny’s self-esteem, whenever we document or discuss our interactions with Johnny we will now be replacing the phrase ‘Johnny refused to follow his teacher’s directions’ with ‘Johnny chose to reconsider his associate’s suggestions.’

Good job, Johnny.

Other refined words and phrases:

Old School	New School
Johnny broke the rules	Johnny chose to explore alternative options
Johnny lied	Johnny spoke words inconsistent with reality
Johnny punched a peer	Johnny coordinated his motions in such a way as to interfere with another’s comfort
Johnny threatened a peer	Johnny spoke words foreshadowing an ill-fated future for another
Johnny told the teacher “fuck you”	Johnny expressed a desire to develop a deeper intimacy with his associate

Johnny’s school doesn’t believe in failure, or the “f” word as his teachers now refer to it, so Johnny will be graduating high school with honors even though he can’t construct a grammatically correct sentence or add without using a calculator.

Good job, Johnny.

And Johnny’s a great athlete. He sits on his bean bag chair for hours playing football, boxing, baseball, and hockey. He’s destined for greatness. Johnny’s also a Navy Seal, a Ninja, a Supreme Allied Commander, and sometimes even a grand auto thief.

Good job, Johnny.

On Facebook Johnny is the producer, director, and star of his very own personal reality TV show called ‘Everybody Loves Johnny.’ He’s very popular. He has thousands of friends.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s extraordinary talents don’t translate well into the normal workforce. A person of Johnny’s caliber doesn’t perform well when other people tell him what to do. Good thing that Johnny can make more money by not working. Johnny’s caseworker is helping him obtain social service benefits, medical assistance, behavioral health coverage and welfare. Johnny might even find a scholarship for college. I think that Johnny will be very successful.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s story should inspire us all. No longer do we need to be burdened over stressful standards of achievement and personal responsibility. Just like Johnny, we’re entitled to access all the glories of greatness without ever having to leave the comforts of our government subsidized home.

Good job, society.

by Alex Bone • July 29, 2014

The Forces of Yig Gain Major Foothold in the Crawdad Apocalypse War

Lilly Ponds, AZ—The crawdad menace is finally subsiding. For the first time in six years the delightful chorus of frogs can be heard echoing up from the Lilly Ponds, an area near the top of Sycamore Canyon—well, as long as you kick a few people to keep their snoring down.

The High Priest of Yig had this to say, “Ever since the Migo introduced crawdads into the Lilly Ponds, Yig’s loyal followers have done everything in their power to eradicate this invasive species and also win as many horseshoe games as possible. Now, after six years of struggle and hundreds of man hours, the frogs have begun to return to this beloved paradise. I…” The big Viking of Yig paused and then burst into girlish tears, “I really (gulp) love those frogs, man.”

The crayfish spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad, was less pleased with recent developments. “This is a travesty! Why should ingenious life be handicapped like this? It’s survival of the Crawiest out here. We deserve to eat whatever the hell we please, even if we wipe entire species. This is ‘Merica, damnit! Besides, we promote life too. With frog populations dwindling, mosquitoes and black flies have never been more abundant.”

There are increasing reports of giant crawdads as well, which has alarmed local rangers. “When a crawdad is taking out some of our sheep, we have problem,” said Ranger Pete. “Though we haven’t exactly confirmed crawdads are responsible, it still makes the most sense. We hired the Discord’s Search Truth Quest team, but they’re theory involves alien Bigfoots…yeah, and that was the part that made sense. I think we wasted good tax payer money employing those hippy assholes.”

Mad scientist and crawdad sympathizer, William Lynn, said, “Do you know how hard it is to dump crawdads into every body of water and stream in a whole state? Importing fish from Louisiana helps, but we mostly use the flying fungi of Yuggoth. First, I have to open a portal to another planet, coax them through with honey, eggnog, glow sticks, and naked pictures of Diane Sawyer. After all that, most of them eat each other before we can deliver them. I’ve ordered one hundred thousand tiny rubber bands to address that problem.”

Saint Poncho had this to say, “All life is sacred, except those damn Palo Verde beetles.” After a ten minute discussion, he was redirected back to the topic of crawdads. “Killing is always wrong, unless it is something you don’t like, such as crawdads, or lawyers, or the Cleveland Browns, or Palestinians. Oh, and did you know that if a crawdad pinches you, you become a zombie? The disease has a very slow onset so most people aren’t even aware this is happening. My studies suggest it’s all part of the couch potato epidemic occurring in our county. In a couple of decades we may lose an entire generation to zombieitis.”

Reports suggest the servants of Yig have a long way to go before the ponds and streams are cleared of this invasive menace.

“We have calculated the beer and ice runs alone could run into the thousands,” said Search Truth Quest Captain, Mick Zano, who preferred to remain anonymous.

Still this is a good day for the frog. The outlook is less grim for the children of Yig. Soon the lands may return to their natural state of beer, babes, Frisbee golf, and huge clouds of marijuana smoke drifting through the pines…oh yeah, and frogs.

by Mick Zano • July 24, 2014

Mizpah Hotel in Tonopah: Ghost Adventures V Ghost Blunders

This time the Discord’s Search Truth Quest team batted cleanup for those Ghost Adventure goons. Apparently they missed more evidence during their investigation than the Keystone Cops on shrooms. I’m sick of cleaning up after your messes, Zack! The Case of the Mizpah Hotel would challenge both my understanding of the para-abnormal as well as my understanding of valet parking. Click on Full Story for some of our ghostly evidence and cool video!

Vegas Great Bald Tony and I checked into the Mizpah Hotel in downtown Tonopah on May 5th. This south central Nevada town is chock full of pleasantness. Everyone seems to smile and say, “How are you doing?” As a native New Yorker, I was perplexed by this behavior and remained unsure how to gesticulate an appropriate response.

The Mizpah featured ghost miners haunting the third floor, ghost children on the fourth floor, and the Lady in Red haunting the fifth floor. We actually tried to book the ‘death room’, as it were, but they said it’s too small for a rollaway and I’m not sharing a bed with Bald Tony, ghost or no ghosts. My desire to find the truth has its limits.

I should also mention the first floor is said to be haunted by the group from Ghost Adventures, whose ratings apparently slipped horribly after their shoot here. Yeah, we handed them their asses on this one. The usual. I know, I know, it’s what you’ve come to expect from spoof ghost investigators (SGI). But the only part of this place not haunted seemed to be the bar area, which pulls the sheets out from under my ectopilsner ghost theory (pardon the paranormal pun). We are not accustomed to investigations so far away from the place where fine ale is served. We were clearly out of our element and, as we would soon discover, trying to lure the ghost children back to our room, not only proved difficult but is clearly the wrong kind of creepy. In fact, it may even be a felony in certain astral planes.

Everyone we talked to had a tale to tell so many of the hotel staff are becoming junior ghost investigators themselves. We talked to Michael Payne on the restaurant side, who shared his own link: Paranormal Adventures Ep 1. While alone in the basement one time, he claims to have heard someone whisper, “Hey you”. This phrase surfaced time and time again as the spirits of the Mizpah are apparently huge Floyd fans.

The manager, Tracy McCormick, had a number of stories to tell and she and her husband only acquired the place last September. She gave us a private tour of the basement, where two miners were killed by a third who then proceeded to seal them into a back room. Edgar Allen Poe would be proud. Here’s what showed up in the vault.

For the love God, Montresor!

For those of you who would say, just clean the lens, we never clean our lenses, ahh, point taken. But let me say this for the record, Vegas not-so-Great Bald Tony only took FOUR pictures during the ENTIRE ghost investigation and yet he managed to capture two of the most intriguing images. His excuse was actually, “Uh, the ghosts keep draining my batteries and I still want to take some pictures of Death Valley.” Really, dude?! You stopped taking pictures because you were getting too much action? On that note:

Cost for one night at the Mizpah $110.<br />Cost of two Double-A batteries $2.<br />Cost of a competent junior ghost investigator: priceless” /></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td id=

Cost for one night at the Mizpah $110.
Cost of two Double-A batteries $2.
Cost of a competent junior ghost investigator: priceless

Although neither of us felt anything strange during our stay on the most haunted floor of the hotel, we finally got to experience some ghost-related-equipment-malfunctions (GREM). Tony’s camera only worked outside of the vault and we captured this phenomenon in real time on our video segment at the end of this feature. The camera worked before and after he left the vault, but Tony reports similar problems with women. Coincidence?

One of the downstairs ghosts apparently wanted to get into a pillow fight. As I walked into a room near the vault in the basement a pillow fell onto the floor behind me. The pillow wasn’t there when we entered this area. Tracy, the manager, was actually the first to notice. No one saw the pillow fall to the ground, but I don’t think I was ever particularly close to the thing. If you look at the video, the area is in a bit of an alcove. I walked down the center of the room and the pillow landed several feet behind me. I certainly didn’t bump it. This part is also captured on our video segment.

Wow, I just Googled Tonopah Vault and the miners here are apparently prone to playing tricks on visitors. Story here.

Tracy encouraged us to talk to Gail, the fifth floor housekeeper, and she was amazing! She puts both the Ghost Adventures and STQ to shame. The images she captured on her cellphone over the years and the stories she told were both disturbing and astounding. She could have handed the Ghost Adventure gang her evidence (she was present for the shoot), but she chose not to. One of the images Gail captured shows a blood drenched Lady in Red. It’s a shocking photo. The woman was allegedly beaten and stabbed to death outside of room 502. This lady continues to prank Gail while she’s cleaning. We did some of that too, but only because we’re idiots. Sorry Gail!

Gail is a fan of the Lady in Red but swears she will never spend a night at the hotel. She found a ghostly message written on a mirror once that said, “Help me.” The Lady also gave her a pearl once (there are others who claim to have received such a gift). Gail’s, however, spun and rolled around uncontrollably soon after she found it. If Gail’s image is the real McCoy, the lady isn’t wearing red, she’s simply drenched in her own blood. Yikes. If there’s a medium available to help this lady crossover, I believe—as far as I believe—it would be a worthy endeavor. Before I was even shown the stunning apparition, I had a little luck in that spot. These three photos were taken right where she died and right where the apparition appears in Gail’s photo.

Outside Room 502

Either the Lady in Red died here or she reaaaally needs a coffee.

Why do we keep getting these ‘dust orbs’ where people died? I do take more pictures in these old hotels, which is one explanation. Then, again, only two miners died in the vault and we captured dozens of orbs in one of Bald Tony’s shots. Maybe the miners were having a party. I don’t advocate inviting minors to any party (see: Havoc House incident 1989).

There are simply too many stories to recount them all, but there’s kids running around the hallways bothering the guests, there are prankster miners popping up all over the place, and there’s even one ghost who seems to frequent the hotel bathrooms as he is apparently still constipated in the hereafter.

[Deadamucil joke omitted by the editor].

Meanwhile, Zach and the Ghost Adventurers didn’t get as much help from the staff because, apparently…well, how do I say this judiciously?

Zano = charming

Zach = douchey

Sorry Zach, but the truth is out there. Meanwhile, I caught so many orbs with my camera I’m not posting all of them. Here’s a couple of the cooler ones:

Probably just the kids playing on the stairs again

Tony’s bald orb attracting others

Adjacent to the vault where the miners died

And here’s our investigative grand finale…er, of sorts.

The Discord gang has never conducted a second ghost investigation of the same place, but this hotel has so many unanswered questions: were we really pranked by ghost miners in the basement? What were those hidden charges on our room bill? And what damage to the room? Kidding! We loved the place, the staff rocked and like Douglas MacArthur in Terminator 4, “I shall be back!” I also want to assure all of you that our desire to return to this wonderful old western hotel has nothing to do with the upcoming grand opening of their microbrewery. Nothing. But if my theory is correct, and ghosts manifest from ectopilsner, this brewery addition will only spice things up at an already very active para-abnormal hotspot.

I want to thank Gail, Tracy, Michael and the rest of the Mizpah staff for a great ghost adventure…wait, the Ghost Adventure guys suck… a great Search Truth Quest.

See you next time!

by Mick Zano • July 21, 2014

Arguing with you is fun, Pokey, but occasionally has a banging-your-head-against-the-wall feel to it. We find ourselves in two different camps these days. I used to think I was slightly left and you were slightly right so our arguments were hashing out some important middle ground. Alas, today it seems like there is a universe between us. Bridging that widening gap is possible, we just need to find a way to…oh, wait, I’m being told Congress has blocked funding for any Gaps or any bridges…uh, yeah, we’re screwed.

Point 1: The government spends tax money on activities that may well conflict with one’s conscience:

This first point is its own debate. I hope to coordinate with you soon about this. Suffice to say, you’re wrong. So for now everyone kindly allocate one point to me and let’s move on.org.

Point 2: The IRS Targeted Republican Groups: (All Pokey quotes snatched from his last post, here)

Pokey: You flippantly justified IRS agents targeting conservative groups by writing, “Its group wanted to shut down the agency that I work for and they were looking for a tax break to do it, ‘Uh, oops what happened to that application?” The same thing probably happened to those emails. This statement of yours, Zano, shows your argument’s flaw and the essential the flaw in your evaluation of the Obama administration.

Zano: Um, no. I have said all along this is a very real scandal….for the IRS. I am dismissive of this as an Obama scandal, because last time I checked the IRS is not part of the Obama Administration. I have no problem holding these people accountable, or my quote:

“Am I excusing the IRS’s behavior? Certainly not—heads should roll and will,” 5/13

My hypothetical IRS worker self should be fired, but keep in mind most people despise the tea party. The extreme right will find an uphill battle for all of their battles, because they’re starting in an ideological valley, which is more of a pit dug out from under an outhouse.

[Patrioturd comment flushed by the editor]

I kid out of love.

I think it will be a tough conviction even for the IRS, because the law is too vague. Again, that’s not to say Congress won’t endlessly try for some convictions—what else do they have to do?—but the law itself allowed for these shenanigans. This is no small point. It’s probably another unwritten fringe benefit to holding the presidency. Obama tried to tighten that law. On that note, I have a rare retraction. Whereas I predicted Obama would tighten this law, he only proposed to, but republicans blocked it in Congress.

Shock poll: no one shocked by this.

Whereas Fox News is always wrong and doesn’t bother with retractions, I do retractions even when I guess something wrong. Spoof is King!

The GOP doesn’t want to stop this practice; they don’t want to govern. They’re only interested in making political hay from this political horseshit. They are solely motivated to impeach Barack Obama for reasons they can’t quite articulate. Besides, Obama will not be linked to this scandal, because:

A.) There really is no direct or even indirect connection to The White House or:

B.) Obama is smarter than anyone trying to catch him (Meep, meep).

Calling it a scandal before proving any wrongdoing is:

Fox News: Fair Balanced and Unafraid

Fairly Unbalanced and Making You Afraid

Pokey: The Tea Party didn’t just want to shut down the IRS, it wanted to shut down the Obama Presidency as a whole. So by your very “reasoning” (quotes added to incite annoyance), you would look the other way (which you are obviously doing). There is real wrongdoing if the Obama Administration gave the signal to its thugs to target his political adversaries.

Zano: Okay, so even if Obama had a *good motive* (asterisk added to give the illusion of grammatical prowess), it doesn’t imply guilt. Again, when we discuss presidential scandals the operative word is “presidential*.

(Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this!)

So I ask again, why did Bush do this? Why is solid evidence surfacing that this practice has gone on for decades, here? Republicans refuse to discuss anything meaningful, because they are too busy blocking any real reform. Besides, their propaganda business is percolating. I realize covering only the truth would be a tough transition for Fox News, I mean, what would they do with the other 23 hours? Back in the day, when I covered Bush scandals, I didn’t have to guesstrapolate with Sean Insanity. I don’t remember Keith Olbermann going, “Where was Monica Lewinsky during the Bush years? Hmmm. Our president is a male, so he had the motive….oh, there’s no evidence? Well, just add this to Bush’s scandal list anyway. I’m sure W was blowing some Dick in the Oval Office.”

[Cheney joke omitted by the editor]

Point 3: Let’s Placate the Terrorists:

Pokey: My point was not to complain about Obama’s refusal to call a “terrorist” a “terrorist”. I complained that by blaming the terrorist attack on a video, the administration emboldened our enemies, which we have obviously been doing throughout the Obama Presidency.

Zano: So terrorists weren’t emboldened when they flew planes into our buildings, but they’re emboldened now because of a successful strike against an outpost in Libya during a power vacuum? Okay.

I don’t think a drone landing on a terrorists’ head and then exploding is within the spirit and meaning of the word placate. I assume you prefer the Cheney model for battling terror, aka, attack the wrong country for the purpose of shady contract kickbacks (trickle-drone economics?).

Pokey: The Obama Administration was directed to blame the attack on the video rather than the people who did the attacking. The video was “hateful and offensive” (Susan Rice), “reprehensible and disgusting” (Jay Carney), “disgusting and reprehensible” (Hillary Clinton, who should have used a thesaurus), and “two thumbs down” (Siskel and Ebert). And these are just the responses to your last post, Zano (ba dum bump).

Zano: Okay, there is mounting evidence the person who organized the attacks cited the video as a reason to move up the attack date. But, hey, let’s ignore what the guy who planned the attack said and, instead, focus on republican theories (hint: those who dated the apocalypse as occurring pre-2014, have a better record at prognosticating).

Pokey: The administration should never have mentioned the video as being a fault in the attack. That’s making an excuse. What was the cause of the Benghazi attack? Plain and simple, it was Islamic fascists. I don’t care how they justify their violence.

Zano: The master planner of the embassy attack is in custody. A republican president would have let the guy slip away and then invaded Jordan. You are mistaking couth with weakness. We used to talk all the time about how the Bush/Cheney—and now Netanyahu—model only foments hatred, violence and terror. Obama’s approach is being touted by moderate Muslim and Middle East experts as the way to go. He is trying to win the long game, not each bullshit news cycle. This is an incoherent approach to republicans, which is your first clue it’s the best course of action.

Pokey: I have speculated that the Obama Administration has embraced the “reprehensible movie” narrative for its own self-serving reasons. I realize that this is just speculation, but it makes the most sense to me. Leading up to the 2012 elections, President Obama was promoting his “we’ve greatly weakened terrorism throughout the world” theme as a prime selling point for his upcoming election. A terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11 didn’t fit his PR campaign so he got everybody on board to blame the attack on the video rather than the terrorists. That’s the point Zano, and you’re refusal to accept this point makes you a “denier.”

Zano: I strongly deny that allegation! You are absolutely right, in that Obama didn’t come out and say how this attack epitomizes his failed foreign policy, because it’s:

A. Ridiculous.

B. No politician ever puts things into the worst possible light, ever (see: politicians).

Remember, Bush won the Iraq War in 2003, which is a bit more of a stretch. Frankly, this is semantics. Look, if only four people died on any given day during the Bush Administration, they would have thrown a party. Obama is simply doing what I suggested years ago, utilizing a different and a more targeted approach, which includes cooperating with other governments and using only limited military interventions as a last resort. Capture or kill our enemies without inciting unnecessary violence and recruitment. Is any of this coming back to you? Ultimately the Middle East will be decided by people who live in the Middle East. Nation building and large military campaigns are a joke, not unlike every other solution the GOP supports…uh, on any given topic.

Okay, I usually try to end with a joke…umm, I got nothing. Wait, here’s one, Pokey’s full feature.

I kid out of love…really.

by Pokey McDooris • July 19, 2014

All right Zano, it’s been a while since I responded to your political musings, but it’s taken me nearly a week to get that last bad post of yours out of my mouth. Thank you, Tums! So if the government uses tax money to engage in activities that conflict with a tax payer’s conscience, they should be legally compelled to give birth control to employees? …or bake cakes for gay weddings? …or purchase health insurance? Really? And to make matters worse, all these things happened last weekend at your hacienda of hedonism! I’m sure my lack of an invitation was an oversight on your part. But I see you invited my sister, dick.

You also argue that the IRS violated no laws in targeting conservative groups. You said they should have expected such treatment since ‘teaparty’ groups sought to shut down the IRS. So you say that it doesn’t matter what the administration calls “terrorists” just so long as they kill them? I had another point about your Walmart midget comment, but I will save that for another post. Onward to the main three!

Point 1: The government spends tax money on activities that may well conflict with one’s conscience.

Take the Iraq War, for instance…no really, take it. We must expect that the government can legally force a person to violate their conscience. I’m glad you brought this point up, because it requires clarification. The government cannot force a person to directly violate their conscience. It can take tax money from me to be used to wage a war that I find immoral, but the government cannot force me to directly engage in the fighting of this war. They may draft me and force me to help in the efforts, say as a medic or a chaplain, and the same thing goes for birth control. Although I would not agree with this policy, it would not be unconstitutional to collect taxes and use that money to pay for birth control and abortions; however, the government does not have the right to force me to directly pay for birth control or abortions. They do not have the right to force me to directly contribute to a gay wedding through cake baking, musical performance, or catering. And although this point is slightly different, I would argue the government has a constitutional right to collect tax money to pay for health insurance for people, but they do not have the right to force me to directly purchase health insurance under the threat of penalty of law. If you recall, the Obama administration bent over backward to assure us that the “penalty” was not a “tax”, even though the IRS collects the penalty.

Point 2: The IRS Targeted Republican Groups:

Speaking of the IRS, you flippantly justified their agents targeting conservative groups by writing, “It’s group wanted to shut down the agency that I work for and they were looking for a tax break to do it, ‘Uh, oops what happened to that application?”

The same thing probably happened to those emails. This statement of yours, Zano, shows your argument’s flaw and the essential the flaw in your evaluation of the Obama administration. The Tea Party didn’t just want to shut down the IRS, it wanted to shut down the Obama Presidency as a whole. So by your very “reasoning” (quotes added to incite annoyance), you would look the other way (which you are obviously doing). There is real wrongdoing if the Obama Administration gave the signal to its thugs to target his political adversaries, since they were looking to shut him down.

Point 3: Let’s Placate the Terrorists

My point was not to complain about Obama’s refusal to call a “terrorist” a “terrorist”, although that is an issue, it’s not my issue; and you, by making it my issue have sidetracked my point. I complained that by blaming the terrorist attack on a video, the administration emboldened our enemies, which we have obviously been doing throughout the Obama Presidency. The Obama Administration was directed to blame the attack on the video rather than the people who did the attacking. The video was “hateful and offensive” (Susan Rice), “reprehensible and disgusting” (Jay Carney), “disgusting and reprehensible” (Hillary Clinton, who should have used a thesaurus), and “two thumbs down” (Siskel and Ebert). And these are just the responses to your last post, Zano (ba dum bump).

The administration should not have ever mentioned the video as being a fault in the attack. That’s making an excuse. What was the cause of the Benghazi attack? Plain and simple, it was Islamic fascists. I don’t care how they justify their violence–Israeli apartheid, the great Satan’s U.S. foreign policy, a reprehensible novel, an offensive cartoon maker, or even the Ghetto Shaman’s The Tao of Skullfucking (although I stand by parts of chapter four). It’s all just an excuse, perpetuated by our leaders who are pushing this narrative that ultimately emboldens terrorism.

I have speculated that the Obama Administration has embraced the “reprehensible movie” narrative for its own self-serving reasons. I realize that this is just speculation, but it makes the most sense to me. Leading up to the 2012 elections, President Obama was promoting his “we’ve greatly weakened terrorism throughout the world” theme as a prime selling point for his upcoming election. A terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11 didn’t fit his PR campaign so he got everybody on board to blame the attack on the video rather than the terrorists. That’s the point Zano, and you’re refusal to accept this point makes you a “denier.”

More importantly, my sister is not going to your next party unless I am invited. Her words, not mine.

by Mick Zano • July 15, 2014

The following rant was initially submitted to the Arizona Daily Sun by Dr. Kwela Juluka. It was rejected for its edgy harshness and, perhaps, because it was caked in a mysterious layer of white power. So he sent it our way because he knows this rag fosters such bouts of edgy harshness…and he also knows we snort anything. I have since asked Dr. J to consider becoming a regular contributor here at The Discord, as this remains one of the best places to foment such edgy harshness as to allow such rants to eventually encompass all the remaining synonyms for harsh and edgy….uh, hedgy?

Here’s the submission:

Having lived through the past dozen years with my ears pummeled by the increasingly brutal cacophony of modern politics, I can say in all certainty that I am nauseated with the nonsense that rings in the media about the present crisis in Iraq: seeping from the mouths of those such as Sen John McCain, who glorify war.

A casual reading of any historical summary of Iraq will convince even the most partisan hacks among us that the country is, at the very least, a seething cesspool chock full of the worst elements of the crusades, Mexican cartels, the 19th century US Calvary, and Ebola. For 1400 years, the factions in that region have been beheading one another over the rightful heir(s) to the second coming of Jesus, a fiction that, for instance, commands a father to stone his child to death for being logical. Following the only major terrorist attack on US soil in the past 20 years due to our leadership’s failure to pay attention to real intelligence information, the Bush administration deliberately fabricated new intelligence, with most of us then, blinded by self-righteous vindictiveness, were suckered by snake oil.

But soon, some of us regained our senses, only to become dehumanized as unpatriotic leftist extremists while “victory” was declared. Now we have the McCains, Rumsfelds, Cheneys, and other ophidians that disturbed the bees (and in the process destroyed our economy), insisting we slither into the hive again. These lethal pretenders to leadership should have their mouths washed with bleach and sewn forever closed on matters of war. Their venom should never again pollute our sensibilities.

Dr. Kwela Juluka

Tell us how you really feel Doc? As ISIS captured city after Iraqi city, Dr. J was obviously deeply troubled with the recent charade on Fox. Frankly, I was never angrier after their coverage. And when I use adverbs frankly Mr. Winslow is never angrier. Maybe they should change their logo to:

Fox News:

Let’s keep asking what idiots think.

But kudos to Megyn Kelly for calling out Dick Cheney on his Horseshit. She was the only bright spot last week. Her station, meanwhile, chose to just show 2007 Surge justification quotes (SJQ) in the guise of insight (my take here). In some ways this particular brand of their revisionist history is the most offensive yet. Hopefully it will only act to further expose their master plan. Regardless of the facts on the ground, they will continue to try to shift everything, even their greatest blunders, into another flight suit moment beneath some metaphorical Mission Accomplished banner. The Republican Party is an utter farce and the more people who realize this the better. It’s not just that some of the stuff they peddle is bullshit, it’s that everything is either outright lies, trivial, meaningless or some combination thereof.

I’ll end with a marvelous quote about this constant pile of “bullpuckey” being pushed by the right wing media:

“They are happy to tell each other, for years, that this stuff is news, and not just stuff that they made up, while the real media—and frankly the politicians who have to swim in that sewer—have to worry about this parallel track of paranoid fake information that traffics as news on the American political right, but that is disproven everywhere else outside their echo chamber.”

—Rachel Maddow, 7/8/14

Rachel Maddow’s rant on July 8^th was marvelous. She covered how the right wing media convinced a huge faction of our society to question our real news and instead believe this new conservative brand of crapolla. She then ended the segment by explaining how this has a direct correlation to the sad, sad place our country now finds itself. For years, I have called this the story within the story of our time, but frankly Mr. Winslow that last frankly was from Rachel. Notice the quotes, sir! So, frankly, you can’t hold that one against me.

by Mick Zano • July 13, 2014

Have you heard about this Quinnipiac poll? Thirty three percent of those polled claim Obama is the worst president in history. It’s damning, unless you have a basic understanding of today’s society. Everyone is ignoring the irre-elephant in the room. The numbers are entirely predictable. Nearly 40% of our country are Foxeteers and they keep polling themselves to remind us of how strongly and wrongly they all agree. But where is the other 7%? Should we send out a search party? Should I turn on the Batshit signal again?

This poll is more of a collective case study for a dysfunctional ideology than anything else—the Scheissgeist, as it were, which I believe is German for Vote Hillary 2016. As for our current State of the Union, history will clearly say something more pythonesque, aka, something completely different. Scholars and historians have a way of being scholarly and historical. Funny how that works.

Here’s a more realistic summary of Obama’s final judgment.

Barack Obama: Descent President, Horrible Congress

The Foxteers need to understand, even with their current War on Math, how a 7% approval rating is worse than 40%. And much of Obama’s 40% approval rating can be attributed to that same not-so-magnificent seven. Seven is the lowest in the history of polling, Rasmussen.

Also, when judging Obama we need to keep in mind most of the criticism on the right is entirely fictitious. Quick scandal review:

1. Damning and impeachable but not linked to Obama (The IRS).

Fun Fact: Bush targeted liberals, here, and no one cared. Republicans want to impeach Obama for the same reason, but can’t actually prove any link to the White House. Hey, why not just try to impeach Obama for breaking into the Watergate Hotel?

2. Doesn’t make any sense whatsoever (Benghazi).

My latest coverage here. If this scandal does make sense to you, ask your doctor if an injectable anti-psychotic is right for you.

3. A real genuine scandal (NSA).

Hint: most real shit can directly be attributed to republican policies.

(Fun Fact: it’s harder to impeach someone after you make it legal.)

Fox knows this fact, which is why their always forced to refocus their energies on bullshit.

Meanwhile, Obama’s biggest mistake was thinking he could work with these people. The rest of us have watched as the GOP splintered into a hodgepodge of dangerously misguided ideologies. The splintering of conservative groups into two camps, let’s call them Jeff Daniels and Jim Carey, will only hurt them in future elections. That’s good news for people who like to eat and live and stuff.

More are taking notice of their descent into madness:

“The sense that you could stick it to the liberals by being utterly indifferent to reality actually grew worse on the right after Bush left office, starting with the adoption of Sarah Palin as a right-wing hero. Palin represents this new era of treating the truth like it’s a horrible force of oppression trying to squelch conservative America.”

—Amanda Marcotte, Why does the Right Embrace Ignorance as a Virtue?

At this point this is not a treatable condition. As I’ve said before, we are watching a faction of our society de-evolve before our very eyes. This is causing a predictable backlash of poorly behaving liberals. I’m afraid we passed the polarization point of no return, but ultimately it comes down to this:

“Bad behaviors are now rampant on both sides of the political aisle, but liberals have one thing republicans don’t, valid points.”

—Mick Zano (today)

Well, Mr. Zano, then how should Obama be rated?

Good question, imaginary person. In 2008, I said I would rate his presidency on two things.

1. Domestically

His ability to avoid a double dip recession (essentially a 2nd game-ending global economic collapse).

So far CHECK

2. Foreign Policy

His ability to end wars and avoid new ones, especially of the WWIII variety—if you recall, things were ramping up between Iran and the U.S. at the end of the Bush years.

So far CHECK

Sounds easy? A republican would fail both.

“My prediction on inauguration day was this: Obama would do poorly on the economic front and well on foreign policy. He has done a little better on the economic front than anticipated.”

Full Zano feature here.

I always thought Obama would have a much tougher time domestically, but he’s been a bit of an overachiever in this area and, as for his foreign policy, he is doing much better than people give him credit. Many on the right blame Obama for everything going wrong in the world today, but I knew the Middle East would get worse before it got shittier. Thankfully, so did Obama. As an important bullshit journalist, I stand by my foreign policy coverage and predictions. I even went out onto some rickety limbs, like on Syria, yet I’m still hanging on.

If you look at Obama’s top 25 campaign promises, he’s done pretty well. Here’s the PolitiFact score card. The only three issues that there’s been little movement on is:

1. Closing Guantanamo:

He tried, I blame Congress.

2. Creating a foreclosure prevention fund for homeowners:

There’s no excuse. Please bailout the people not just the banks, sir.

3. Reeling in lobbyists:

Fun Fact: no one will accomplish this EVER, at least under our current system of government.

He’s either accomplished the rest, or he’s making some progress—another exception might be Immigration Reform—but he does have a better PoltiFact score than his predecessor, here. And, hell, he aint done yet. Can you say “executive orders”? I knew you could.

Domestically, all economic indicators have shifted positively over the course of his tenor, admittedly not as robustly as many would like but in my opinion it was the best we could hope for under the circumstances. Europe and the rest of the world is actually recovering more slowly from Bush, but we’re all on borrowed time at this point. Meanwhile, Despite Republican opposition, Obamacare has started to bring down healthcare costs across the board, so more people are insured for less money. Republican translation = America died.

Also, Obama is the only president in recent history to avoid any major scandal. Admittedly, his pile of imaginary ones have had a real effect on this approval numbers. Fox News’ fuck reality approach has had a clear impact on this man’s legacy. This sounds absurd, but I don’t think Obama can afford another imaginary scandal. And you just know several more are in the works, or: GOP Scandal Factory in Honduras Collapses, Killing 47.

As predicted on inauguration day, Obama will end up ranked somewhere in the middle. Bush is near the bottom and will likely drop further as people come to terms with the irreparable damage he has caused. But there is some good news W., you don’t have far to drop. Sorry, GOP but all of the Foxian bat guano in the world isn’t going to change this eventuality. I maintain that stepping into what Obama did and ranking somewhere in the middle is still an impressive feat, at least for those of us who understood the time period and the historical context involved. Republicans obviously don’t. For a current example, go to Fox News or The Drudge Report, right now, and read a headline, any headline. Then you can laugh a little and cry little, but whatever you do don’t believe any of it. The country you save may be your own.

by Mick Zano • July 9, 2014

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine…uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.

This week German Chancellor Angela Merkel laid the Krauthammer down, so to speak, and helped broker a real and hopefully lasting ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. The Discord has exclusive information on what transpired during this historic phone conversation:

Merkel: Vladimir, darling, it’s time for you to take your little guns and tanks and go home.

Putin: But can’t I play just a little longer?

Merkel: Certainly, as long as you don’t mind a much lower allowance.

Putin: Yes, ma’am.

Obama: Hot dang, you go girlfriend!

Merkel: Barack Hussein Obama, hang up this phone immediately! I thought we already talked about this!

Obama: Yes ma’am.

(click)

This conversation, in turn, caused Putin to send Obama some high-end vodka and a little Thinking of You card this week, full story here. I want to state again for the record, I’m not trying play the I told you so card, but I am trying to play the I’m sure the WWIII thing would have worked out well for a President McCain or a President Romney card.

Key Point: any 21^st century election of a republican president—with absolutely no ties left to something called reality—would spell disaster for this planet. They would spell it wrong, of course.

So a spoof news blogger has more insight than an entire political party? That should be a kick in the teeth…um, if their base had any. Sorry, gotta have some fun. Thankfully, Medicaid Expansion is fixing some of their teeth, here, so maybe I’ll have my chance yet.

I admit this Ukraine scenario started off weird. Republicans say all kinds of dumb shit, every day, incessantly in fact, but typically nothing pans out. It’s like reverse magic, but the invasion of Crimea and Russia’s threatening posture toward Ukraine was predicted by folks like Romney and Palin. In fact, Palin said she could actually see this all unfold from her house. I don’t think anyone could have foreseen the shaky situation in the Ukraine and the co-occuring mess in Moscow that made all of this possible. Never the less, the GOP predicted something that actually happened, on Earth, in this dimension, which is almost unprecedented in the 21st century.

However, as things started to ramp up my message to the republicans was don’t pop your champagne bottles just yet. Remember, even when it looks like that one in ten shot is coming through for them, never underestimate the ability of the GOP to get it wrong.

Coming from a conservative perspective, here is what fellow Discord contributor Pokey McDooris had to say on the matter:

“Remember when President Obama boldly drew that red line in the sand with Syria over the use of chemical weapons only to have Daddy Vladdy step in and take over for Baby Bama? I would suggest to you that Vladimir Putin encouraged Syria to step passed that red line and to call Obama’s bluff. I would also suggest to you that Vladimir Putin has been encouraging Iran to develop a nuclear bomb.”

—Pokey McDooris

(Hint of the Day: coming from a conservative perspective is synonymous with dead wrong):

Remember, they can’t discern chess from checkers or see the forest for the Kievs. Here’s my only retort for that deductive gem:

Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition

The Discord got this one right and…uh…that’s about it.

Here was my rebuttal quote at the time:

“Putin’s options suck, especially if he goes one step further. You see, the world runs on something called money—a fact your side insists upon—so the projected long term benefits for Russia, post this little annexation exercise, looks grim. He can’t occupy the Ukraine, easily, and all the other former Soviet borderlands are already sending Angela Merkel flowers and chocolate. It was a fool move, thus the right’s ability to predict it. Republicans have fool moves down to a…oh wait, they don’t believe in science.”

—Mick Zano, Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing

Post the invasion and annexation of Crimea, republicans were convinced a weak Obama had allowed Russia to creep back into a position of power. Of course, nothing could be further from truth (hint: republicans can never be farther from the truth, which is also covered in my Quandumb Mechanics theory and the Zanoberg Principle.

I said, from the beginning, this was a move made from desperation that would ultimately backfire. Putin was never going to come out of this smelling like roses. He did have an opportunity to crash the global economy, for sure, but that was the extent of this “power move”.

Since then—and at least in part because of the annexation of Crimea and the subsequent sanctions—Russia is on the verge of another recession and Putin is receiving the economic message from the rest of world, loud and clear.

I encourage everyone to just take a moment to really absorb each news cycle. Look at each conservative prediction, on any given topic, and then do something they refuse to do, look at what ultimately happened a few weeks or months later. It’s uncanny. If I end up wrong on a major issue, it’s probably going to come when I ignore my instincts and say to myself, naaah, they have to be wrong again. This is very dangerous and may well be by design, but whose? This has been my fear all along, republicans will cover an important truth in a pile of their usual Foxel matter.

…perhaps, but not today.

I believe 21st century Republicans have invented their own reality. The consequences of this can be minimized if we continue to keep them out of office. Don’t boycott businesses for someone’s religious beliefs! Don’t come down to their level. What you need to do is vote in the mother-blanking midterms, you mooching, socialist hipsters before I slap that PBR out of your hand.

by Alex Bone • July 7, 2014

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This week, quiet unexpectedly, Alex Bone called for a press conference at the Discord Tower and almost four people showed up, well, if you count Ballz and Zano. Once they had settled into Mr. Winslow’s bean bag bunny chairs, Boneman cleared his throat and addressed the historic assemblage:

“I am announcing today that I have been infected with an Alien Chest-buster,” said Bone. “As you may know, these beings typically gnaw their way through a person’s chest in a matter of hours. I, however, have survived with this one living inside me for over three weeks now!”

He raised a finger, as if to emphasize a point, but then quickly lowered it and raised a bottle of IPA instead. “How have I done this, you ask? How have I succeeded where others have just burst apart by now? (Burp.) It’s simple, it involves eating the right combination of beer and hamburgers. I’ve found that as long as I drink about forty beers a day and eat ten hamburgers an hour, the little guy seems content enough. In fact, I have named him Snookie-wookie.”

He stopped to rub his tummy, slammed down a hamburger in three bites, and then chugged two beers. His eyes then misted over a little. “The rest of you men have no idea what it’s like to feel a life growing inside of you. It is a magical… oh, we have a question. Yes, Zano.”

“Is this why all the communal beer has gone missing this week?”

Bone mumbled something, before saying, “Next question.”

When no one asked him anything, he looked at Ballz and said, “You had a question?”

“No I didn’t.”

“No, I think you did.”

After an awkward pause, Ballz said, “Don’t the aliens grow pretty quickly after they burst out of their victims? Why hasn’t this one just grown through you?”

“A very good question… I have no idea. Maybe it loves its new mommy.”

“And my beer,” added Zano.

After Bone kept his audience from wandering away with a promise of sharing his cheeseburger stash, he said, “So I’m sure all of you are wondering what’s next from here.”

“Were you?” Zano asked Ballz.

“Not really.”

Bone hurried down another hamburger and then chugged an IPA, before he held up a glossy covered book that read An Alien Inside: Skip the Beer and Stand Clear.

“We are going to have a book signing tour!” said Bone. “After the talk show circuit I plan to… Hey, come back, I’m not done yet. Maybe you guys could try to dress up like Aliens when I open my new hamburger chain. Can you guys sing Ragtime Gal, by chance? I’m calling it Buster Burgers and each burger comes with a side of a highly corrosive acid for a dipping sauce. Get it? And you should see what we’re using instead of fries. Guys… guys? Oh, can someone run down to Diablo Burger and the Pay-n-Take? It’s kind of an emergency.