Lilly Ponds, AZ—The crawdad menace is finally subsiding. For the first time in six years the delightful chorus of frogs can be heard echoing up from the Lilly Ponds, an area near the top of Sycamore Canyon—well, as long as you kick a few people to keep their snoring down.
The High Priest of Yig had this to say, “Ever since the Migo introduced crawdads into the Lilly Ponds, Yig’s loyal followers have done everything in their power to eradicate this invasive species and also win as many horseshoe games as possible. Now, after six years of struggle and hundreds of man hours, the frogs have begun to return to this beloved paradise. I…” The big Viking of Yig paused and then burst into girlish tears, “I really (gulp) love those frogs, man.”
The crayfish spokesman, Kenny the Crawdad, was less pleased with recent developments. “This is a travesty! Why should ingenious life be handicapped like this? It’s survival of the Crawiest out here. We deserve to eat whatever the hell we please, even if we wipe entire species. This is ‘Merica, damnit! Besides, we promote life too. With frog populations dwindling, mosquitoes and black flies have never been more abundant.”
There are increasing reports of giant crawdads as well, which has alarmed local rangers. “When a crawdad is taking out some of our sheep, we have problem,” said Ranger Pete. “Though we haven’t exactly confirmed crawdads are responsible, it still makes the most sense. We hired the Discord’s Search Truth Quest team, but they’re theory involves alien Bigfoots…yeah, and that was the part that made sense. I think we wasted good tax payer money employing those hippy assholes.”
Mad scientist and crawdad sympathizer, William Lynn, said, “Do you know how hard it is to dump crawdads into every body of water and stream in a whole state? Importing fish from Louisiana helps, but we mostly use the flying fungi of Yuggoth. First, I have to open a portal to another planet, coax them through with honey, eggnog, glow sticks, and naked pictures of Diane Sawyer. After all that, most of them eat each other before we can deliver them. I’ve ordered one hundred thousand tiny rubber bands to address that problem.”
Saint Poncho had this to say, “All life is sacred, except those damn Palo Verde beetles.” After a ten minute discussion, he was redirected back to the topic of crawdads. “Killing is always wrong, unless it is something you don’t like, such as crawdads, or lawyers, or the Cleveland Browns, or Palestinians. Oh, and did you know that if a crawdad pinches you, you become a zombie? The disease has a very slow onset so most people aren’t even aware this is happening. My studies suggest it’s all part of the couch potato epidemic occurring in our county. In a couple of decades we may lose an entire generation to zombieitis.”
Reports suggest the servants of Yig have a long way to go before the ponds and streams are cleared of this invasive menace.
“We have calculated the beer and ice runs alone could run into the thousands,” said Search Truth Quest Captain, Mick Zano, who preferred to remain anonymous.
Still this is a good day for the frog. The outlook is less grim for the children of Yig. Soon the lands may return to their natural state of beer, babes, Frisbee golf, and huge clouds of marijuana smoke drifting through the pines…oh yeah, and frogs.
