Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21^st turned out so lame. “We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris,” said Winslow.

The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. “It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality,” said Winslow.

Contributor Alex Bone said, “The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit.”

Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. “The well is dry,” said Winlsow. “We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah.”

The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, “It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp.”

McGrath went on to explain, “Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year.”

Los Angeles, CA—Oscar the Grouch of Sesame Street fame flipped open his garbage can and spent nearly 90-minutes blathering on about Jack Klugman’s prestigious and trash-filled career. The shabby green Muppet explained to the grievers how Klugman’s role on The Odd Couple had inspired him to live in abject squalor.

The Grouch then announced, “It was the best of grimes, it was the worst of grimes” before reciting several other quotes, including: wise is he who collects the refuse of others, and Mother died today, or was it Klugman? Then he blew his nose into a something that might have once been a handkerchief and sobbed, “There wouldn’t have been an Oscar the Grouch without an Oscar the Madison.”

Due to the length of his speech, fellow Sesame Streeter, The Count von Count, kept heckling things like, “One, two, three…three bad analogies, mwah, hah, hah!”

Klugman’s wife, Peggy Crosby, left muttering, “I know he’s having problems with Grundgetta, but if he shows up at my place with a frying pan, I’m going to brain him with it!”

The Grouch ended his outrageously long eulogy with a variation of the Most Interesting Man in the World commercials. “When the garbage man comes by, I collect him,” said Oscar. “So when you think about garbage, think Dos Oscars and stay filthy, my friends.”

Scratch and sniff copies of the eulogy are now available for those with strong constitutions.

Cairo, Egypt—Twenty people including six Americans are dead after coordinating an ill-conceived “flash mob” number in the heart of Cairo’s Tahrir Square. Amidst the ongoing protests of Mohamed Morsi’s power grab, a group of twenty entertainers sprung into motion. Interspersed amidst the protestors, they started dancing in sink at a pre-designated time, which immediately drew fire from dozens of startled onlookers.

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, “I think the song they started singing O Little Town of Bethlehem probably wasn’t the best choice for that crowd either.”

One wounded flash mob survivor, Theresa Perkins of Peoria, said, “As one the organizers I feel terrible about what happened. None of us made it through the first verse without multiple gunshot wounds. It was worse than our Shakespeare in the Park attempt in Oakland. We just wanted to bring a little holiday cheer and entertainment to a side of the world we thought could use a smile. In retrospect, I think this region of the world is probably not ready for flash mobs, or bright lights, or sudden moves, or unannounced sneezes.”

North Pole—Old St. Nick is up to no good again this holiday season after he effectively ended all collective bargaining rights for the elves who work in his toy factory. The toy makers are complaining about the cold working conditions, the lack of healthcare, and how they are forced to work 364 days a year compared to their “fat CEO who only works one bloody overnight!”

Santa told the press, “If they want healthcare the little bastards need to stop living so long. Raise the Medicare eligibility age to four-hundred and you won’t faze one of those little shits.”

Santa is apparently still in a Yule-time rage over the election results. When asked if he was concerned about his jolly old image, Santa said, “I deliver more toys to rich kids, always have. Christmas is big business! Besides, Democrats have always been behind the War on Christmas and those damn Occupiers were here last year. They kept calling me Dumbledore, the pagan little shits. The bastards all kept going on about Climate Change, like I’m going to complain if it goes from -10° Fahrenheit to -8°. Wankers! You just need to get the Snow Miser off the booze and we’ll balance the weather all right.”

When asked how he got rid of the Occupy encampments, Santa replied, “As it turns out Bumbles apparently do bounce, at least they do down at Christmas Town’s red and green light district. Ho ho ho bags. You should have seen the looks on those barely employable liberal faces. And if any of you hippie bastards try that shit again I’ll have the Winter Warlock freeze your beards to my sleigh runners!”

He then ended the interview with a joke, “What’s the difference between Santa Claus and an Occupy Wall Streeter? Santa at least works one day a year. Ho ho ho!”

He actually said two jokes but the other one isn’t really appropriate for this publication.

Sierra Vista, AZ—Drug mule Manuel Garcia is dead, the drugs he was smuggling into the U.S. have been burned, and, perhaps even more disturbing, the weapon used to gun down Mr. Garcia was issued by the U.S. Government. Friends and neighbors describe Garcia as a competent drug runner, who was a good neighbor and family man, except during shootouts.

One neighbor claims shoot outs were rare. “He usually tried to keep any gun fights before 11PM. He was that kind of guy.”

Attorney General Eric Holder said, “I don’t know how this could have happened, because I don’t know a lot of stuff about things, which is why I am so shocked every time I watch the news.”

The Discord’s Cokie McGrath had this to say, “Every day we hand thousands of guns to people who continue to shoot at other people. Border agents, cops, even some glorified mall cops are packing serious heat. When is the madness going to stop? Besides, there were people counting on that methamphetamine. What are they supposed to do now, make it in their basement? Yeah, like that’s going make our neighborhoods safer.”

Newark, NJ—Jersey Mayor Cory Booker told his constituents he would like to try to subsist on food stamps alone as part of an ill-conceived publicity stunt designed to endear him to certain voting blocks in the greater Newark area. Within three days, however, the elected official resorted to selling crack and methamphetamine on the streets of his city.

Mayor Booker held a press conference holding a cardboard sign that read Will Legislate 4 Food. He reported being so hungry that he had to do something. “This has forever changed my opinion about government subsidies,” said Bolden. “Did you know you can’t buy beer or cigarettes with food stamps? WTF?!”

The Mayor is denying allegations he recently provided a series of blow jobs to a line of men at the truck stop just off of Route 17. “That is utterly ridiculous,” said Booker. “I can’t see myself resorting to that kind of thing until sometime next week…hopefully, late next week. Can you spare some change? Anything…for God’s sake have a heart! Hey, we can always meet over at the truck stop.”

Paulsboro, NJ—A train full of vinyl chloride derailed on Friday outside the industrial town of Paulsboro. This freight train fell off a bridge and into a river, but the incident has at least one hazmat team wondering was this really such a bad thing?

Hazmat’s site coordinator, Kent Furrows, said, “I‘m not saying I’d want a picnic lunch here any time soon, but this corrosive material burned through a lot of the dead bodies and toxic debris that was already here. It’s kind of like sticking some Drano down the sink. In essence, it got rid of a lot of industrial hair balls.”

The hazmat team is not alone. Using a level of spin not seen since last night’s Hannity’s America, the National Transportation Safety Board is hailing this environmental catastrophe as a major environmental victory.

Board chairman, Willy Spiller, said, “Before this incident, there were all kinds of dangerous things sticking out of the surface of that river. Now it’s burned away, finally making yachting, boating, canoeing, and even water skiing possible. But I wouldn’t water ski just yet, folks, unless you’re willing to wear a gas mask and coat the bottom of your water skis with at least three millimeters of epoxy phenolic. Yeah, a good three millimeters.”

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to water ski in industrial waste.

Cape Kennedy, FL—Fictional character, Anthony Nelson, has died today after a long bout of reruns finally ended on cable television. Nelson, the lead man in the wildly popular late 60s television series I Dream of Jeannie, spent 42-years working as an astronaut out of Cape Canaveral, Florida. His claim to fame was finding a Jeanie in a bottle after which he not only failed to take advantage of any wishes, but he never really got any djinn-nookie from the attractive 2,000-year old cougar, played by actress Barbara Eden.

A neighbor and colleague, Major Roger Healy, added, “I don’t get it. She was hot. Not only didn’t he tap that shit, he cocked blocked me for years.” Healy’s reaction is understandable, especially when one considers that in the late 60s everyone was nailing anything that moved, 2,000-years old or not.

Yesterday, after what many describe as a great run, Major Nelson succumbed to congestive ratings failure after WVPX in Cleveland finally stopped airing the show. The new head of NBC Universal added, “Apparently, we still get tons of letters each year addressed to Anthony Nelson. What the fuck is wrong with people?!”

Barbara Eden spoke highly of Nelson, remembering him as a man of character and integrity, but later admitted Hagman was kind of a dick.

The Pentagon—Our nation’s Defense Department is in peril after an ordering glitch has left hundreds of key desktop and laptop computers vulnerable to cyber attack. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta is also concerned about potentially damaging malware and spyware. Norton Internet Security 2012 apparently changed the amount of times the critical software can be downloaded per purchase. Panetta maintains Norton failed to notify the Pentagon of these important changes.

During a joint press briefing, Panetta said, “Our situation is dire. We thought we purchased enough antivirus for all of our computers, but our calculations fell well short of the mark. We also had at least forty instances of people not writing down the registration code on the disc itself. We have procedures to keep this from happening, but they were ignored. It’s why we give everyone in the Defense Department a Sharpie. It’s not so they can sit at their desk and sniff ‘em. This isn’t the F-ing State Department for f^&%’s sake!”

Panetta believes the amount of porn he personally downloads each day opens the doors wide open for the potential hacking of a number of sensitive files.

“I didn’t sign onto this job to give up midget porn,” said Panetta. “Midget porn first, country second. I don’t think that makes me unpatriotic. And don’t even get me started on lesbians. Really, I wouldn’t do that.”